September 26, 11:48 pm

nam seolhee.

It's been a week since I had started avoiding Jungkook after finding out what he did to Jinshil. Nowadays I would see Jinshil walking alone with a crestfallen look on her face, and it seems to me that she may have forgotten who she was anymore. I've tried talking to her many times the past few days but she would give me a fake smile instead and ask me if I was fine.

How and why would I be?

Jaeyong, on the other hand, still talks to me as much as he used to and he always promises to back me up in case something happens. I know that he's outgoing and charismatic but why is that I still feel so empty when I'm with him?

Why do I feel like I needed someone else there with me?

I heaved a sigh as my gaze dropped on the woman who's sleeping soundly on the couch. I slowlg kneeled down on the ground and just observed her as she sleeps, careful not to make a sound. And from there, I realized how different she looks from the outside.

How could she look this innocent while asleep? Why doesn't it seem like she sleeps with guys all the time? Why doesn't she look like the reason behind my scars? Why does she look like a mother right now?

I suddenly remembered when my late aunt told me about how beautiful and pure my mom was when they were little.

Why do I feel like I'm not someone who she wishes me to be?

My vision started to blur as my eyes started to be filled with tears. I slowly brought my trembling hand up and hesitantly touched her hair, carressing it a little and locking a few strands behind her ear.

My lips started to quiver at the thought of the possible consequence of what I'm doing right now if she ever wakes up.

But what can I do?

I'm glad at the fact that I could hold her, and even if she's asleep I could at least feel as if she was actually a mother to me, accepting me as her daughter and as a member of her family. I hate my stupid fantasies about ever feeling loved by her side of the family, but I'm probably this excited because I never got the chance to get this close to my mother without getting beaten up.

That's when I came to the realization that after if I ever kill myself tonight, I'll never get the chance to feel the warmth of the embrace of a real mother.

Maybe it was because of her that I never found out what caring means. Maybe it's because of her that I never found out what love means, either.

I quickly wiped the tears away from my eyes and chuckled a little, I'm so stupid.

But I couldn't help but think that if she ever looks at me the way I wanted her to, I would want her to teach me. I want her to teach me how to love myself, to care for others, to treasure the people who enter my life, to treasure the things that make me happy, and most of all, to treasure what's worth living.

If only that could happen. If only I knew more things about life other than being despised by her family, trying to survive school everyday, meeting people who distract me from my troubled thoughts and throwing rocks to No One who apparently is someone, of course.

Shit.

I heaved another sigh and silently stood up in a careful motion because I knew that I couldn't keep staring at my own mother. If she ever opens her eyes and catches me sitting in front of her, I don't know what will happen to me after that.

When I finally stood up, I suddenly felt a hand latched around my wrist in surprise.

"Seolhee?" I suddenly heard my mom call me. I stood frozen and aghast at the sound of my name coming from her mouth.

I slowly turned around to see me mom looking up at me with one eye closed, "What time is it? Why aren't you asleep yet, huh?" She asked, accompanied by a groan.

"I just thought that I needed to get something." I lied, gulping silently.

"Go to sleep. You have school tomorrow." She blunted apathetically, her hand still around mine.

Thank God.

"I-I will." I stuttered and slowly released my arm away from her. She didn't reply and shifted from her position on the couch to a completely different side. I sighed in relief and stayed in place, waiting for her to sleep again.

After I realized that she fell asleep again, I quickly grabbed a pencil from the table and snook out of the house through the backdoor.

I stepped out of the door barefooted and closed the back door without making a sound. I look down and wiggled my toes in excitement as I felt the cold ground beneath my feet. I love walking barefooted, it makes me feel freedom.

Who cares about how late it is? Serenity filled the air, faint chirping of crickets was heard, no rustling noise coming of trees, and the outside temperature was mediocre. It wasn't that cold nor was it hot, just like my kind of day.

I took my time walking towards the cliff in glee, collecting some rocks on my way like I always did. I love the cliff because it's the closest place to the sea, the place where I could throw my rocks off to.

I didn't hesitate to sit on the edge on the cliff, my feet dangling down the edge, directed towards the abyss below me but I didn't care.

(A/N: excuse the obsession again there will be more cliffs here than all my other stories combined i swear ¡!!¡!¡)

I smiled as I gathered all the rocks I've collected in a small pile and quickly picked out one to write on to. I don't know why I felt happy tonight, it's probably because tonight is one of those few nights when my mom didn't bother me at all.

Dear No One,

Can you believe it? I survived another night without trying.

- SH

After writing, I quickly gathered up the force in my body, raised my hand in the air and was about to throw it as far as I can until I felt someone's hand strongly grab my wrist, surprising me a little.

What?

"Seolhee." I heard a familiar male's voice call me from behind, "Don't you think it's too dangerous to be sitting at the edge of the cliff?" He continued, making me flinch after hearing him talk to me for the first time after a while.

I groaned and forcefully swatted my hand away from him.

"Leave me alone, Jungkook. How did you even find me here?" I hissed, I'm still angry at him and I just don't want to see him right now. Actually, never.

Just when I'm finally becoming a little happy today, that's when he appears and wrecks everything.

"Why are you like this to me? Please, stand up and stay away from there, you're making me feel nervous." Jungkook said in a worried tone. I rolled my eyes and jumped up to stand up in front of him, finally facing him face to face.

I didn't hesistate and pushed him on the chest using both of my hands.

"What do you fucking think? It's like wringing someone's neck and asking why are they suffocating. I don't know how you can still have the guts to show up right now in front of me." I commanded him one more time, extending my arm and pointed to a space completely away from me, in the verge of getting fulling pissed at him.

"Look, Seolhee, I'm sorry okay? I never wanted to hurt anyone from the very beginning—"

"First," I counted, cutting him off with no regret, making him refrain from talking for a moment, "I didn't know you had Jinshil, you never told me. I was supposed to be happy for you two since Jinshil has always been good to me and you were too, but instead I'm mad at you. When did you plan to tell me anyway?"

He opened his mouth to talk but I quickly pressed a finger against my lips, hushing him in a second while I raised two fingers from my other hand to form two.

"Two," I counted next, "What am I to you anyway? Don't you know how affected she is by your actions? I couldn't get you, why are you doing me these favors I don't even need? I'm never beautiful. I don't need to cry to show how ugly I am and to show shitty this life is. Maybe if I didn't let you help me at all, things won't lead to this."

His face showed some kind of defeated expression but he still watched my fingers count up.

"Third," I sighed, "You hurt Jinshil. Out of all the people I've met in my life, don't you know that I found out that she's the one I could count on the most? Everytime I see her cry, I couldn't but notice how you meant a lot to her. And to think you were the reason why she's like this and I'm somewhat dragged into this, you made me despise you so much." I told him and heaved a sigh.

"I'm sorry." He shortly said, bowed his head low, walking to me but I immediately stepped back and shook my head.

"Saying sorry is the most pathetic thing you could do right now. What does that prove about you? Is that how simple-minded you are? Stop with the sorry bullshit and fix this right now." I ordered and he just bowed his head down low.

"I want you to make up for the things you have done to Jinshil, please, she love you, doesn't she? She needs you there with her. Not only that, but one more thing."

I paused after seeing his pained expression.

"W...What is it?" He asked wearily.

"Stop throwing rocks back at me, Jungkook."

"What? How did you know?" He asked in a surprised tone.

"Can't you be more obvious?" I asked, "They don't help me at all. You're a somebody, you're not no one. Those rocks you send make me feel worse about myself. They make me feel as if I'm capable of shattering someone's heart into pieces. And yes, I am. Fuck."

It's true, Jeon Jungkook.

Everything started with you.

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A/N: dedicated to amenramen my number one inspiration, lol, thanks for reading ❤️