Dear March,

I'm scared. It finally hit me yesterday that I may never gain live and acceptance for all of who I am from any of my family.

I'm almost ready to start making decisions by myself. The time will come when I chop off my hair on my own. The time will come when I come out to my brother in every aspect. The time will come when I can completely transition in all social aspects, even if not medically for several years or ever. And the time will come when I move out.

And I'm not ready for any of that. I'm not ready to face to negative consequences of my decisions yet. I've been pushing myself too far. I remember last school year when I came out and not long after someone asked about my name change. He was polite and he's known me for years so it was curiosity. I told him for a legal name change I needed parent support. He seemed to understand and thought "so next year?" made sense because he didn't know how my family actually felt. Feels. This area is liberal and people expect my family to be too. But they're not. I've watched friends come out and transition with family support and it hurts. I just want to be myself. 

March, I'm waiting for you. Take me away. Take me home. I just need a break from all of this. Even if not for long.

I need to sleep and I don't want to wake up. I'm sad and frustrated.

But I have placed to be and people to see and a life to go on with.

I need a break. Take me away, March. In sleep or in books or in movies. Just away from here.

Love,
C