He needs to keep it together. He needs to lead. Needs to be strong, show that he is strong enough to lead. He's holding their group together but he's falling apart inside. The walls within him are cracking and crumbling to dust.

He feels lost but he can't afford to feel that way. The word 'leader' weighs down hard on him. He's sinking. There's an invisible weight dragging him down. It's slow. The torture it puts him through—slow and painful.

He clenches his hands into fists, rubs the tears away harshly, splashes water over his face. He holds the sink, bloodshot eyes staring back at his reflection.

Keep it together, he tells himself.

Keep it together. You're a leader.

He takes a shaky breath, wipes his face, and heads out. The members are seated together outside when he joins them. They look exhausted. They look dejected. He knows why.

They worked so hard and maybe they held onto the hope that they'd win the award. Although they expected it, the loss of the grammy hit them hard. Their reactions were calculated, measured as they faced and spoke to army to make sure they provided comfort.

But they were devastated, Namjoon knew. The minute the cameras turned off, they slumped in their seats dejectedly. Namjoon himself was devastated. Maybe it was due to his lack of sleep, or maybe it was due to over exertion, but he had a hard time keeping his emotions in check.

So he excused himself to the bathroom saying he'd been holding it for too long. That had managed to crack a smile on the rest of the members faces as they lightly teased him. Only when he was out of their sight and in the privacy of the little bathroom did he cry.

He was exhausted.

For some reason, it was as though everything he'd suppressed for so long came up along with what he felt right then and he began questioning everything. His capabilities as a leader. His importance in the group. His value as a member of bts.

Provide comfort. You're their leader. Tell them it's alright.

He clears his throat. That gains their attention. They shift their heads in his direction.

"We may not have won a grammy but to army, we're winners in their eyes. We don't need a trophy to display and call ourselves winners. We put in our efforts and the love army provides us is the biggest award we can receive."

Everyone nods in agreement.

Namjoon can tell it's what they needed to hear. There are smiles on their faces.

"Namjoon's right," says Seokjin.

"So then what are we doing? Let's celebrate for real," Jimin suggests, smiling widely when Yoongi immediately gets s bottle of champagne.

"Victory isn't defined by a grammy," Namjoon says, "It's defined by efforts, by improvement, by attitudes."

"And we're winners today," Taehyung finishes and there's a clink of glasses before they down their champagne.

Namjoon suppresses his desires for some comforting touch. He needs to provide it, not receive it, he tells himself. A leader. Needs to lead, to guide.  He pats Jungkook's head and makes sure to compliment each of them to let them know just how good they did.

---

He's exhausted.

He's drained.

Everything feels so heavy.

He cannot break down. Needs to keep it together for the sake of his group. They look up to him. He needs to be strong. The voices in his head mock him, louder than ever.

He tries the step, he fails.

He tries again.

He fails again.

Keep it together, he screams at himself.

The choreographer scolds him.

"Again, from the top," he shouts.

There are groans that ring from the other members. They've been on it for an hour now.

Namjoon needs a break.

He wants one.

He's falling apart.

Can feel himself crumbling under pressure.

Be a good leader.

A good leader.

He's supposed to keep it together.

Be a leader.

He misses the step.

He crashes to the ground, knees hitting the solid floor hard. He's breathing hard. Hands clutching his chest as he wheezes.

Hold it together.

Fucking hold it together.

"Namjoon, Namjoon," he hears a distant call pierce through his intrusive thoughts.

There are hands on him.

"Joonie hyung."

"Namjoon, it's Yoongi. I need you to focus on me. Can you do that?"

He feels himself nod.

When did breathing get so hard?

Is he crying?

Fuck, he's crying.

He's a mess.

"Joon, I need you to breathe. Focus on me," he hears Yoongi say.

His hand feels someone's chest. He can feel the heartbeat. Can feel the rise and fall of someone's chest.

"Copy me," says the man, chest rumbling and Namjoon feels it.

He does so to the best of his ability.

Finally, he's breathing again. He collapses against the man's chest, crying silently.

He's so tired.

Too tired to hold those tears back any longer.

Too tired of suppressing them any further.

"Shh, you're okay," he hears Seokjin say as he buries his face in who he thinks is Yoongi's chest.

He failed.

He failed to keep it together and was bawling like a fucking child. He was their leader.

Their leader.

A grown ass adult.

"Namjoon," Hoseok's voice snaps him back to reality.

"Do you really think that?" Seokjin asks and Namjoon realises he said it out loud.

"Yes," he admits in a whisper.

There's a sharp intake of breath.

"That's bullshit," Taehyung snaps and Jimin is quick to knock his head.

"Ow, let me finish at least," Taehyung growls before he looks back at Namjoon.

"So what if you're our leader? You're still a human."

"I know," Namjoon whispers but that is no excuse.

They trusted him to be a leader. To be strong enough to lead his team.

"Namjoon-hyung, you're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to make mistakes. You're allowed to feel like you're falling apart," Jungkook says and Jimin nods.

"Being a leader isn't about holding your group together by putting on a strong face, Joon. It's about leading through example and motivating through actions. Allow yourself to be vulnerable the way you allow us to be vulnerable to you. Allow us to hold you the way you allow us to be held by you. Allow yourself to be human the way you allow us to feel human around you," Jimin pleads, tears brimming in his eyes.

"You're a great leader to BTS, Namjoon. But more than that, you're family to each and every one of us. You're human like each and every one of us. None of us expect you to be the man to hold the group together. None of us expect you to be the man that always comforts, always provides a shoulder for us to lean on. But each of us expect you to expect the same from us," Seokjin explains.

Somewhere between this heartfelt conversation, their choreographer leaves giving the family some much required time together.

"Exactly, Joon," says Hoseok, "Cry when you feel like the dam can't hold back tears anymore. Scream when you feel like your lungs need it. Because it's okay. It's okay not to be okay regardless of the title you hold. Whoever you may be. A friend, a brother, a son, a leader. You're still human at the end of the day. We're your family. We're more than just BTS, more than just a band. You're more than just leader of BTS."

Namjoon's crying.

No, sobbing.

Their words douse every fear, every intrusive thought that sneaked in uninvited. Their words brought the comfort he longed for. Eventually the boys wrap him in a group hug and he soaks up the comfort. It's what he needed and they knew it and were willing to provide it for him.

He'd be okay, he knew.

"I didn't know what it meant to be a good leader. I thought I had to be strong for everyone else and mask my vunerabilities. Until I realised a good leader is one that shows his every side. Shows them his strengths, his fears, his weaknesses, his insecurities, his vulnerabilities. A good leader is one assures that no one is perfect, no one is flawless but everyone is human and allowed to be vulnerable, and that's okay."

The end