Dear Journal,
Sorry I've missed so many entries. It's hard to explain. So much is going on, yet so little has happened. Anyway, I'm on school holidays now (2 weeks) for the Easter break, so hopefully that will go well. I guess today I'll explain partly how I feel, over what's happened, cause as I said, not much really has happened.

I hate it when my class is loud at school. Like, when we're in class, and I'm trying to listen to the teacher, or work on whatever task they've set for the lesson (cause, you know, I actually care about my grades unlike some people in my year level, who only care if they get below a C- {the lowest passimg grade, anything below that is a fail}, and even then a couple of people in my year level don't seem to care, unlike me as I'm probably too hard on myself, but that's expected when my dad gets disappointed in me for getting anything below a B). But anyway, I hate it when people are being loud when I'm trying to work on something, whatever it may be (school-related or not), as it ruins my concentration. So it's times like that, when I actually enjoy the peace and quiet.
When I'm not working on anything, however, that can get scary. Say I'm alone and not doing anything, and therefore extrememly bored. I hate that. I hate it so much, cause I can't cope. When I'm left alone someplace really quiet and don't feel like doing anything, it scares me. Because when it's quiet, it's loud.
Now, this is the part where some people probably won't understand what I mean. And to some, I may sound crazy or depressed (which I swear I'm not crazy, although, come to think of it, there probably is a possibility I'm depressed). Now if any one who may be reading this is planning on posting hate comments or messages, or anything like that and harass me after reading this, kindly leave now. The exit is right over there (*points to door*). If you don't wish to know what goes on in my life, then pardon me if this sounds rude, but why are you reading this in the first place? So once again, to anyone who is reading my journal purely to spread hate afterwards, please leave now. And if I do end up with hate comments, I'll be recording the usernames down in a safe place, deleting the comments, and if those same people persist, they will be blocked. Thank you. I will now continue.

So basically, when it's really quiet while I'm not doing anything, it ends up loud for me. There's just this loud noise going on inside my head that I can't stop, and I guess it feels like multiple people talking at once saying how horrible I am. And if it's not that, it's memories. All sorts of memories that I don't want to recall, but it happens anyway. And from the memories, it leads on to voices. And I don't mean as in when people hear voices in their head for whatever medical reason, I mean my own voice, like when I'm thinking or something. Just talking crap about myself, saying all this horrible stuff and how much of a disgusting human being I am. And then I imagine the people I love and care about saying similar things about me behind my back, and then I go into panic mode and start stressing. Because what if it's true? What if they're all pretending to like me because they just feel sorry for me, but they actually don't like me at all? And it terrifies me. There's no way I can possibly know if they do hate me or not, because I'm not a mind reader! I don't know what they're thinking! And I can't just go up to them and ask me if they really do care about me or not, because, seriously, who does that? I'll just be putting myself in a really awkward situation by doing that, and probably them too. And I don't want that, cause either way, I still love and care about them.
So I just deal with it all. I deal with the noise, the memories, the voices, the thoughts and doubts, the stress and anxiety. I don't tell anyone, cause I don't want to make them feel awkward, or to worry about me. So I try handle it by myself, and it slowly eats me away. But I deal with it anyway. And no matter how many times this happens, or how broken I feel, I deal with it. Alone. Cause I know that if no one really cares like I stress about, telling them how I feel will just make me become a burden to them.

With love,
🌹Rose🌹