- Chapter 19 -

Lose Yourself

"T'was nothing special, un. Just a simple take-and-leave mission."

Deidara took another mouthful of baby carrots as he spoke, the smashed bits of them showing clearly as he opened his mouth. Akira, who was raised in a house of strict manners and continuous supervision, cringed at the way he ate but kept to herself. What she had to focus on was the information he was about to blurt out.

"Sasori was a real douche as always, though. Wanted to kill Han but I didn't let him," he mumbled, pausing to swallow the crunched food in his mouth. "Not that I pitied the man, I just didn't want Sasori to have all the fun, y'know?"

Akira found herself perplexed at the sayings of her friend, mainly because his words didn't match the expression he wore. Deidara seemed repulsed by the idea of killing someone and even though Akira had been warned from her father that the Akatsuki members were ruthless, bloodthirsty monsters, the blonde male in front of her looked like anything but a killer. 

Despite her inner analyzing, the girl nodded and patted his shoulder, "Yeah, Sasori seems like the kind of asshole to do that. But it seems kind of extreme to me - killing people? The man we were assigned to kill . . . He seemed non-threatening. Why do all of this?"

Deidara had stopped eating his carrots and had turned to look intensively at his friend, his spoon even so lightly tapping the bowl he was holding in one hand. 

"Look . . . " he trailed off as he leaned closer to her. "I'm not supposed to be telling you this, but . . . I'm supposed to make money out of this. Big, big money, un. I don't know how that will benefit our organization but," he leaned back on the couch they were sitting on, propping one hand on the back of the couch, "I'm getting paid, so."

Akira felt like the information known to him stopped there, thus she leaned back on the couch as well, turning her eyes up on the ceiling. 

"What will you do with the money, anyways?"

Deidara snorted. "Get out of this hellhole. Probably open up a ceramic shop back in Iwa."

"Nice."

The ginger girl liked the silence that followed their conversation. Mainly because she had time to think; think about the way she deflected her father's team, think about her next objective which was to find more about the mysterious Jinchuuriki and why her deceased mother was caught up in all of this.

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She never really disliked talking to people, nor spending time with them. She didn't particularly strive to communicate with anyone, except Pein. Maybe that was why Konan was surprised when Akira knocked on her bedroom door and asked for permission to come in.

The girl closed the book that was resting in her hands and sat up on her bed.

"Come in."

The ginger-head entered the room and closed the door behind her carefully, as if a dragon was sleeping in the room and she was scared she would wake it up. Akira stood in the room awkwardly and fiddled with her fingers, action which made Konan raise questions in her head.

"Would you like something, Fukui?"

"Oh! Uh . . ." Akira looked as if she was ready to blow up from embarrassment. "I actually wanted to cut my hair short and Deidara told me you'd cut his hair once and, uh . . . Can you cut my hair?"

Konan stared at Akira, at the injuries covering her face and the bandages which were wrapped around her small frame. "Sure. Sit."

The purple-haired female stood up and didn't even bother to pull down her pajama shorts which were revealing her pale legs. She motioned to Akira to sit on the chair she had pulled in the middle of the room and searched through her closet for some towels and a good pair of scissors.

Meanhile, Akira let her gaze trail on the small details of the room. Like how there wasn't another bed, meaning that Pein had his own room, the organized CD disks under the desk and the tower of books about meditation and wiccans. She didn't fail to follow the swift movements of Konan's hips as the woman searched in her closet and the way her hair caressed her well-built shoulders. Sometimes, she wondered if she was gay. But then, she would remember the time she had admired Gaara's body as he had shamelessly undressed in front of her. Bisexuality seemed more compatible.

"How do you want them?" Konan asked as she wrapped a towel around the ginger's shoulders.

"Short. Sasori's length."

"Alright then."

The clipping sounds occupied the emptiness of the room and Akira focused on the door of Konan's room which seemed unscathed from the activities of the house.

"How does it feel to be the only girl in the Akatsuki?"

Konan chuckled. "Is this an interview?"

"Sorry." Akira resisted the urge to duck her head in shame.

"No worries, just messing around," Konan mused and squinted her eyes as she worked on the hair. "It doesn't feel unpleasant, if that's what you mean. There are always fights and disagreements but they are my family in some way."

"A huge, malfunctioning family," Akira agreed, grinning momentarily.

Konan nodded and gathered Akira's hair in a ponytail, slowly driving the scissors through them afterwards. With a final clip, the ponytail was cut off and set to the side, leaving behind it a sloppy mop of short hair.

The beauty placed her hands on Akira's shoulders. "Don't move just yet, we have to style this mess."

"Okie dokie," she replied, realizing only a moment later how tired she had sounded. She cursed inwardly for letting her guard down.

Konan seemed to be catching up quickly. "What exactly is troubling you, Akira-kun?"

It wasn't that Konan had taken a sudden liking in the small, ginger boy. But somehow, even though Akira was the one who had opened up more easily upon entering the gang, she seemed to be the one hiding the most of them all. And Konan - she was determined to find out what that was. She wasn't going to let this gang, her family, to be teared down from the inside.

Akira debated for a moment whether to hide her troubled emotions but decided against it; besides, talking to Konan could help her gather more information about the Jinchuuriki.

"I feel weird. Ever since my mission with Tobi. It feels . . . " Unsettling. Like I want to vomit. " . . . disturbing."

"So I heard," Konna started. "It's unfortunate that Utakata had to be exterminated."

Akira bit down on her lip. "I didn't . . . I never thought we'd have to kill someone. I don't want to kill anyone. Ever." Instinctively, she started scratching her hand. "I don't even know why I was forced to do this, to participate in something like this. Why did we have to kill that innocent man?"

Konan paused her hand motions and stared at the bruised skin of Akira's neck. Innocent man, innocent man, innocent. Something flashed in her yellow irises, maybe sorrow and remorse, memories that had resurfaced despite her awfully exhausting efforts to delete them from her inner world. 

"Okay, we're done."

Akira stood up and ran her hand through her hair, the unfamiliar shortness of it spiking up the vomiting feeling even more in her stomach.

"Thank you, Konan-san."

The ginger-head opened the door and stood outside of Konan's room, her desperate gaze falling on the motionless girl.

"Your hair is special for you, holds an important meaning. What should bother you is the reason why you decided to cut them short." Konan pursued her lips. "I won't be able to help you."

The door closed, leaving Akira alone in the silent corridor. While other times she would find comfort in its silence, her head was full of questions and rushed emotions.

Training. Right, I shouldn't let myself flop, she voiced in her head and wandered of, trying to remember where the training room was.

She knew why she had cut her hair short. It was her own, personal rebellion against everything she had put up with all these years. But, at the same time, it was a cry for help, a desperate wail for the physical and mental pain she had endured the past days. The week that had followed after her mission was dreadful - her best friend was the toilet every time an image of a blood soaked Utakata appeared in her mind.

Once  she reached the gym, she instantly snaked in the space and let herself drop on the ground. She buried her scrunched up face in her knees and slapped the sides of her head.

"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up."

Akira exhaled and stood up once more, staggering slightly. As she moved in the center of the training room, she noticed the huffing and puffing which was coming from one corner of the space. With her eyes fixed on the silhouette, she was soon able to recognize the only other ginger Akatsuki member.

"Ah, Leader."

The man let the weight bar down and sat up, his face coming under the light as he did so. He was sweating heavily, the droplets running down his trained arms and in his tank top.

"Fukui," he stated as he grabbed a towel and wiped his forehead. "Do you need something?"

"Actually, I do. Some explanations."

Pein didn't move an inch as Akira moved closer to him. She stood in a safe distance from him. She always felt intimidated by the leader, in all of their encounters.

"Why are we after innocent people?"

"Oh, I can see where this is going," Pein interrupted. He stood up from the stool and reached for his crumpled jacket on the floor. "Not that I didn't expect you to ask."

"Then, tell me."

Pein wore his jacket and leaned back on the wall, hands crossed in front of his abdomen. "Once you're in, you can't get out."

Akira clicked her tongue. "I'm an accomplice to a murder. I don't think it can get any more serious than that."

"Akira," he started; the girl was surprised from the sudden use of her first name. "Everyone you love will be in danger if I tell you."

She brought Itachi in her mind, cutting off ties with his family, Sasuke keeping to himself and letting the isolation drown him. "I have no one."

"Your father."

"How do you . . ." Right. Background check. "Look, I don't give a flying fuck about him. Just tell me what I want to know."

It was hard for Akira to believe that Pein truly cared about their safety when he talked with that steel voice of his. That patronizing voice her father always had.

"You really shouldn't cross out your family like this - "

"No shit, my mother is dead."

Pein merely blinked. "Don't interrupt me."

"Then tell me, dammit." Akira bit the inside of her cheek. Her heart was beating erratically.

"Money."

Akira narrowed her eyes, hands dropping to her sides. "What? Wh- wait, this is all done because of money?"

Pein took a few steps forward and towered over the tiny figure. "Everyone gets a share."

Akira didn't utter a thing as he grabbed his towel and made his way for the door.

"There are things that you can't understand yet, Fukui." He stood at the door frame. "And we are not as bad as you think."

Akira hated this. Hated being treated like a child, hated being so selfish. However, she had always put herself in the front line for everyone, sometimes unwillingly, just to please them. She was selfless and now - she was ready to become selfish for her own sake.

Yet she was troubled. Startled, even, from her consciousness kicking in upon hearing the word "money". The same word had shaken her not long ago. They did it all for the money, money, money . . . She had extracted a file from Utakata's computer. In his fancy event. Utakata had a fortune.

'Big money', Deidara had told her. They were after people with big fortunes.

Gaara. The Sabaku family had a large fortune.

'We have to move out and go to Suna.'

'Big money.'

Gaara was the next target. And someone knew that before her.

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Updated after what feels like to be a century. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!  

If you like this story, don't forget to check out Downfall, a SasuSaku zombie apocalypse AU you can find on my profile!