Dear God,

You're the only one, who I can truly be myself with. Where I can cry, shout, and scream. Spill, fall, and break.

With you, I can tell what I feel. That I'm tired of being scared of man and other things I shouldn't be afraid of. That I feel I can't take another day and that people are better off without me. That I'm sad because no one knows of my sorrows but you. That I get the urges to cut myself again and the urges to kill myself and just be over with it; that I want to be dead.

With you, I don't need to pretend. It takes so much out of me to pretend, yet I still pretend because somehow, deep inside me, I feel that I need to pretend that I'm really alright, that I'm okay, that I'm fine; but with you, I don't need to pretend.

When I'm with you, you know. You know me and you understand me.

You know now, that I'm not truly fine. That I'm not okay, but that I'm getting better and that I'm starting to feel better. That I'm starting heal, but I'm not truly okay.

I'm still tired, I'm still sad, I'm still hurt, I still feel guilty even when it's the right thing to do. Is it the right thing, Tatay? Or it's not?

You know that I'm confused.

You know when I lie, when I hurt, when I pretend, when I fail, when I wear my mask, when I break down. You know.

With you, I can jump and run and be who I was in the Philippines.

With you, with you. I'll be with you soon.

Love,

Nichi