Dear God,

I don't know if I can do this. I'm starting to think that I know and find out why I'm here, but I'm so tired and I don't know if I can make it.

I'm so tired, Daddy. Everything seems to be slightly piling up, and I keep thinking, "Am I ready, or am I really not ready?" 

I know that I'm not ready yet, that it's not my time. I shouldn't have to ask that, but I feel like I'm ready. Ready to go, when I'm not. How is that possible to feel that when I'm really not ready? 

I want to say that nothing matters anymore, it seems like almost nothing matters. But the last time I checked, nothing was still nothing, and something still does matter. Something's more than nothing. You're the only one who's keeping me alive. 

I used to be afraid of death and darkness because they were the same to me. All blackness and nothing. Now I'm not, I'm not afraid of death and darkness. Death is someone I'm not afraid of, and darkness is now something that I can find beauty in. 

Like how the shades of black blended beautifully with the shades of blurred white on the sky. How the stars shined bright against night. How sometimes darkness can be a cover around you, but then that's wrong, isn't it? Because darkness is never and never will be a cover. Your light is the only cover where I will always be safe. 

But death? I used to be so afraid of death coming to me and others. I'm still afraid when I think others are dying, but now I'm not afraid myself dying. I'm not afraid at the thought of death coming to me. I've started relaizing that's there's more frightening things than death, like losing you. And not having you with me always. Not being in your presence is more frightening to me than death; than me dying. 

But that's the thing. You're always with me always, you never reject or abandon or break promises because that isn't who you are and a part of who you are. And I'm not going to lose you, I'll never will because nothing can seperate me from your love; nothing can separate me from you, now that I know and understand that You are the only one who's keeping me alive. That's keeping me breathing because it's your breath when I breathe in and breathe out. You're my life. You matter, and beacuse you matter, others matter. Everything starts falling into place, and what you do makes sense and your world makes sense when what the world does, doesn't make sense and when it doesn't doesn't make sense. Because You're the only sane one in this insane world. 

I or maybe part of me doesn't want to be alive, to not be breathing, to die. But I'm alive because You gave me life, I'm breathing because you're breathing and your breath is my breath. You're alive and because of that, I'm alive too; and I can't die, when I'm in You. There is no death in you, there never has and there never will. 

I'm scared, Dad. I'm scared because I'm standing out where I've never been, and I don't know if I can make the dreams that you've wrapped around me into reality. It seems impossible to me. But then nothing's impossible in you and with you, and it's never impossible to you. Out of you, without you, yes - almost everything or really everything is simply impossible without you. But we'll never be able to get out of you or be without you because that's impossible because you're always there.

Always here. Always there. Always with us, always faithful even when we're not. Always with us, even when we've hurt you so much. You're everywhere. There's no fear in you. 

You're my strength, my comforter, my father, my shelter. My everything. 

I love you, Dad. I love you, Abba. I love you, Daddy. I love you too. 

Love,

Nichi