trigger warning: pills and suicide mention. 

    Evan found peace in his music. He didn't like talking, nor did he like singing all that much. At least in front of crowds anyways. He didn't know joining a band with his friend Alana and a few of her other friends would cause him to get a small following. They know played for small crowds, in bars, wherever they could find a place that welcomed their sort of indie music.

    It was just another night in some basement of a bar, with quite a large crowd. The place was hot and stuffed, and Evan held his pill shakily in his hands before taking it quickly as he went on stage. People went crazy for Alana and her backup singers, but Evan himself earned a small applause. In seconds, his fingers were strumming and plucking the strings and he had played the whole concert.

   Connor was always into small bands, and he had gone out one night with the intention of just kicking around when he saw a cheap piece of paper with a messy print job reading about a small concert of a few little bands in a basement downtown. He had made sure to get a space to stand far away from people so his claustrophobia wouldn't restrict him from hearing the music. The band that intrigued him the most was called "Requiem" and while the singer amazed him, but the guitarist caught his eye. He was so quiet and focused on his instrument, and his vibe didn't match anyone else in the room. The show closed with a huge applause, Connor even whistling a little. He stayed after, the basement being rather public and mentally hoping to see the cute boy on the guitar come out.

    To his luck, Evan had packed up rather quickly and changed before heading out. He bumped into a taller figure, almost dropping his instrument as he looked to see a guy no older than himself with long hair beaming down to him. Evan's face was red hot, trying to gather himself quickly.

   "Shit, I'm sorry... I'm Connor. C-Can I just say you were amazing-"

   "N-No don't be s-sorry, it was my f-fault." Evan's stutter caught up to him quickly, starting to fumble with the little fraying end of his guitar cases strap. He shook his head, looking to Connor with a weak smile.

   "Your mind was elsewhere and I blocked your path... It's my fault. But I wanted... I wanted to say your band was incredible. Requiem?" 

   "That's us. A-Alana really runs the show but-"

   "She's great but you, your guitar sounds amazing. You're really talented..." He lulled on for a name, Evan looking confused but quickly perking up embarrassed. 

    "E-Evan, Evan Hansen."

   "Connor Murphy." He smiled, shaking Evan's hand and giving it a small extra squeeze. Evan smiled genuinely this time, a blush crossing both of their cheeks.

   "D-Do you m-maybe wanna hang out some time?" 

   "I'd love to... I mean, yes. That'd be great. D-Do you want my number?" As soon as Evan nodded quite quickly, he pulled out his phone and Evan held his out for Connor to put the number in. They shared another quick glance, trading phones back once again.

   "Tomorrow. W-We have a gig at this coffee shop but then we could grab something to eat?"

   "Sounds good... My classes are in the morning so that should work out nicely." Connor went to college, not Evan's clearly since he would have recognized him, but at least it was school. He struggled a lot, but with finally proper help and mental care, he was able to survive a suicide attempt he had made in senior year of high school. He had no idea Evan was struggling with anxiety with underlying depression, and if they ever figured their struggles out between each other it would only bring them closer.

   Connor had texted Evan on and off during the day, finally figuring out where the coffee shop was and planning to meet after the show. There was no way Connor could miss the show itself, coming with his hair pulled into a greasy ponytail as his eyes searched the stage for Evan in the small crowded coffee shop. Evan played flawlessly, even smiling a bit as he made eye contact with Connor in the crowd. They finished, taking a little bow before hustling off stage. Connor didn't see Evan as he appeared beside him, smiling widely once he noticed the smaller boy.

   "Here... I-I got you uh, this. Y-You don't have to wear it if you don't want to though." Evan held out a t-shirt with the bands logo on it. Connor blushed, taking the shirt gently into his hands and glamouring over it.

   "I-I love it! Let me pay you back..."

   "You agreeing to meet me was payment enough." Evan murmured, holding up a hand for the barista to make him two of his regular order, a vanilla latte with steamed milk. Connor was used to black coffee and teas so when he got the cup, he looked at it strangely before taking a sip and looking at the cup wide eyed.

   "What is this?"

   "A vanilla latte... D-Do you want something else? It's my favorite so I understand if you don't like it I mean not everyone likes vanilla, or at least kinda fake coffee vanilla I-I guess-"

   "It reminds me of you. Quite lovely, and cute." Connor smiled, holding the warm cup in his hands as the steam arose to his face. Evan blushed, stammering over words that meant nothing as they managed to hold a conversation for awhile. It soon got easier, not wanting to leave one another when Evan had an evening class he had to get to.

   "I have another gig tomorrow, in the basement again?" Evan offered, shuffling his feet awkward.

   "I'll be there." Connor assured, taking Evan's hand in his own shakily. He didn't know what he was doing, as if there was someone else controlling his actions. Soon, he had given the hand a small squeeze and then dropped it, exiting the small shop quickly. 

   Evan stood there a bit of a blushing mess, earning an excited clap from Alana behind him. They shared a quick hug, with a kiss on the cheek from her as they walked out the door.

   Connor made sure everything was set. His shirt reading "Requiem" was smoothed over his chest, while his black jeans were adorned in rips and shreds. He arrived just soon enough to get a good front row view of the stage, smiling widely as he watched the set up for the band begin. Within some minutes, Alana came onto stage smiling brightly. She carried the sun in her, being able to not only be incredibly talented and smart, but also sing like no one else.

   "Tonight we have a friend, Jared, on the guitar instead of our usual, Evan." She announced weakly, giving a nod to Jared behind her to start the song as she started belting out chords. Connor felt his stomach turn sick, quickly finding his way to the back of the crowd. He found a guard at the door, probably the owner of the place, and looked to him rather seriously and scared.

   "Where's the guitarist?" He nearly growled, his phone in his hand that he was squeezing tightly.

   "Out. Not sure. I'm not the manager." He grumbled, taking a swig off his drink as his eyes directed back to the stage. Connor furrowed his brows angrily, walking out of the dimly lit basement and slamming the door behind him. He tried to breathe, wanting desperately to control his emotions. Upset wasn't the word to describe the emotion, but fear fit rather well. He pulled up Evan's contact name on his phone, sending a series of scared texts. It would've changed so much if he hadn't heard the sobs coming from the alleyway next to the basement, stopping for just a moment to see the outline of a figure. Connor approached it nervously, seeing quickly it was his beloved guitarist.

   "E-Ev?" He murmured, crouching down next to the sobbing boy. Evan jumped, covering his face as he tried to make it seem he wasn't crying.

   "S-Sorry, I was feeling... F-Fuck. I couldn't do it. T-This happens ever so often... I-I just can't play a show... T-That's where Jared comes in. He's a life saver... I'm sorry for letting you down." Evan mumbled out, holding his head between his hands, shaking it slowly and miserably as he looked to Connor for a second. Connor moved closer to Evan so the other could rest his head on his shoulder, a nonchalant blush passing between both of them. 

   "Hey, it's okay. Don't be sorry... I wasn't upset about you not performing... I-I was scared that something happened to you." He said almost embarrassedly, a little flame of something clicking in him as Evan relaxed into Connor's side.

   "T-Thanks for... For finding me." Evan muttered quietly, his hand finding Connor's again and squeezing it like he had the night before. Their eyes met for a second, both of them leaning in for a simple, and very wet kiss. The tears restricted them from kissing for any longer, smiling weakly to each other as they pulled away.

   "I-I'd sing a requiem for you, Connor Murphy."

//

a.n: WOW WRITERS BLOCK HAS BEEN BAD BUT IM BACK SORTA school started up again so i dont know how consistent updates are gonna be. requests are wanted and sorta needed ??? so pls request anything in the comments or via private message ??? also FUCK FUCK FUCK 90K OH MY GOD. i didn't think this would ever really get past like twenty or so reads and i'm in tears everyday about this. i don't know how i deserve this at all... thank you thank you thank you. i would be happy with any number of reads, just 90,000 to me sounds insane. thank you. like every one of you. you make my life a lot more tolerable <333