Dear Diary,

It's Sunday and yesterday was the funeral. I knew I wasn't going to be there for the whole thing it was just so hard to sit through. His family asked me to give a eulogy so I read the letter. They were all crying just like I was; while I stood in front of the whole town reading that. After the letter, I decided to share some memories that I had with him since we grew up right next to each other. Most of the memories were happy ones but I also shared some of the bad ones because no one's life is perfect. No one goes through life without having a couple of bad days. While sharing these with everyone I could see their facial reactions and even though they weren't there during that moment the memory made them feel as if they were or it made them realize something. While I was up there it took everything in me to not break down and cry. Of course, I cried though I'm human after all. I didn't completely break down while I was up there because I know his family needed someone to stay strong. They cared about Jake so much and he will be dearly missed but the pain of his death has left a hole in the hearts of so many. So no matter how much I cry, scream, and throw things he's not gonna just walk through my door and hold me to tell me that he's there and that everything will be okay. When in truth nothing is okay, no longer will I have him to be there and comfort me during my panic attacks when I just get overwhelmed by the world. No longer will he be here to tell me and make me feel like I am beautiful and not just a broken mess that has no purpose. Why did it have to be you that died, Jake? It should have been me and yet here I am still alive and breathing, physically unharmed since my car wasn't hit. Just because I'm physically okay doesn't mean that I am emotional, who ever really could be after seeing your best friend get plowed by another car and die in front of you?

I never went to the party, it wasn't because I had to talk to the police and tell them Jake's information. But witnessing his death destroyed a part of me. Watching that made me feel far from a party mood. I know it's gonna be awhile before I go to my next party, even though both us weren't party people anyway. That night we were at his house watching movies to celebrate the fact that we just finished our senior exams and were going to walk across the stage to be officially graduated in two weeks. I accidentally left my phone on and heard that I got a text so I checked it and there on the screen was an invite to a party. I knew the idea of us going was ridiculous but I thought we deserved it since we never did things like that. We argued about going for ten minutes until finally, he caved. I don't remember why we took separate cars but we did. Normally he would follow me to make sure I was okay but I followed his car because I didn't remember the address. It should've been my car that got hit not his, why does life have to be this cruel? Am I just meant to spend the rest of my life curled up in bed crying? I mean that honestly doesn't sound terrible but eventually, I guess dehydration would kick in. Jake, I know you aren't here anymore but what am I supposed to do?

Dear Diary,

It's Monday and I still am a complete wreck. Graduation is on Saturday and I am not ready for it since I have no plans for afterward. My college admission letters still have not come in, I guess I should take that as a sign that I didn't get in. But still have to have hope for something in life so maybe they just got accidentally lost in the mail. Although what's the point anymore? All of those colleges I just applied to so we would be together although they all do have great programs to offer. They just wouldn't have Jake and so many guys probably are going to be about partying, which is the last thing on a long list of plans to waste a night away. There is the chance of meeting a cute guy, I will list that as a pro but it's just too soon for me to move on. Which I know some people will say "there is no restriction on time allowed to get over someone." Although if I do get accepted college would start in three months, how could that be enough time to get over a lifetime crush that developed into my first love? Maybe I will just put off going to college for a year. I mean I am going to have my Associates Degree by the end of this week. So it wouldn't kill me to take a year off and travel. That might actually not be a terrible idea to just go travel the world for a year and be able to rediscover the new me. Where to go first, I mean there are so many places that I've always wanted to see. Then I remembered my scrapbook of Jake and I. It had a list of all the places we planned on traveling together. Many will probably say that following the list is a bad idea because it keeps the thought of Jake too close to my heart but I think it is a perfect idea. Somewhere deep down I feel like it is what he would've wanted me to follow my dreams of traveling and visiting other countries for the both of us. Yet I can't help but think, what does he really want me to do with my life now?

Dear Diary,

It's Tuesday and I am still in bed with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company along with the occasional ding of my phone saying I have a text. Still, I have the same numb feeling in my heart although now I know that it is going to be there a while so might as well get used to it. Other than that not much to update since I really haven't let my mind wander much. I can't help but wonder will this empty feeling ever leave completely?

Dear Diary,

It's Friday, yay I'm so happy although not really. At least I tried to be. I've spent a majority of the week laying in bed staring at the ceiling doing nothing but being lost in my thoughts. Just thinking about my life up to this point and how I need to come up with a plan for my future. Although my future I mean my plan that I need to have before the end of next week. Tomorrow is the day I walk across the stage to receive my high school diploma and then next week I do the same thing except I'm getting my Associates degree. The days are long but are also going by so fast as if time wants to be on my side but no matter how hard it tries the only thing it can do is be against me. Okay, I need to focus so let's see, what exactly do I want my future to be? There are just too many options and such little time to plan but then again it's my fault for not having a backup plan. Although the more I think about the idea of taking a year off to travel and just rediscover me just keeps on sounding better and better. My grandmother did leave me a good chunk of money along with specifically saying she wanted me to use it for an adventure. Also, she has a house in France that I could stay in that's completely paid off. So maybe life planning isn't as bad as I thought it would be since I kinda just figured it out. I guess it is settled then and I'm traveling now all that's left is too look up flights and figure out where exactly I am going. Maybe this will be good for me and life might actually not be as bad as I have made it be this past week.

Dear Diary,

It is officially Saturday which means it is graduation day! Of course, I'm still super bummed about not walking with Jake but I'm still going to make it a good day for both of us because he deserves that. I know he wouldn't want me to miss graduation just because I would be laying in bed eating my third tub of ice cream for the week. Okay well, I have to go and I'll write more after the ceremony.

***

So it is after the ceremony and it actually wasn't terrible. The ceremony itself was actually very nice since my class is less than one hundred people so that just made more time for speeches and sharing of memories.