The accident wasn't my fault, yet it still feels like it was. So here I am sitting in my seat waiting for my turn to get up in front of everyone and read the eulogy I wrote. His mother finishes and as she sits down I know that is my cue to go up and begin but I wait a minute because I froze. The reason why is unknown to me, maybe it was the fact that I'm still in denial or maybe I just do not know if I can handle saying all of this in front of the town. I rise from my chair though and with shaky legs, I walk to the podium and say "for my eulogy to Jake, I'm going to read a letter I wrote for him." With that said I began to read the letter.

***

To my Jake,

It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that you are actually gone. I never would have guessed that you would leave me so soon. We had our whole lives together ahead of us. Where we would graduate high school and go off to college to become the successful couple that everyone expected us to be. Although with how things are now it is clear that the plan was never a possibility and can no longer happen and it's all my fault. If I just agreed with you or said no to the idea, this wouldn't have happened. You wouldn't be dead or maybe I would be in the ground next to you. If only things were different and if I could change everything then I would. It's a shame scientist have not figured out how to make a time machine yet. I can remember us laying out under the stars and imagining what we could do for the world if we did have a time machine. I can remember you bragging about how you will be the first person ever to build one and now the world no longer has your insane but creative and smart ideas.

I can't change the past because if I could, believe me, I would. But, you're six feet under, and I am up here in the world just waiting for the day we see each other again. I know you want that to be later and not sooner since you want me to live out my life. If our roles were reversed, I know you would be thinking the same thing that I am and how I would deserve to live out my life more than you. Which is so far from true because you impact people's lives everyday way more than I do. Now without you, so many lives are impacted since you play such a big part not just in school, not just in our community, but in the world. My life now is forever changed without you; how could you leave me here by myself?

Without you here next to me every day will be a huge challenge. Although everyone has their own challenges that they have to face at some point. I was hoping you would be by my side when I had to face my biggest one and I would be there to help you face your biggest challenge. Which makes me wonder, what was your biggest challenge because if you had one you would've told me, right? For me, though I now realize that not only will you not be by my side to help me during my hardest challenge. Losing you is it? Although it's kind of ironic that you are my hardest challenge because I wanted you to help me get through it and yet I have to get over you.

You know I am not a fan of change though. I mean how is anyone ever actually okay with change? Yeah, life would be boring without it and change is well inevitable but why can't life learn that it is okay to be boring or even normal. Speaking of boring everyone knows I'm crazy, annoying, loving, but organized person which is why we had almost all the details for our future ready to fall in place when we graduated high school. Now you won't even be able to walk across the stage and get your diploma. I guess the colleges are going to be disappointed when they find out you can't play for any team. You didn't even get to sign an acceptance letter to any because you were waiting for mine to come in. I should've kept telling you to sign the one you wanted because now the colleges are going to wonder what their teams would've been like with you. Even though you could only go to one of them. Sure they can try to replace you but deep down they know no one can. I mean how can anyone ever replace you Jake; and everyone in this town knows that in the world there is no one more dedicated to helping their community. A person who put basically the world before himself and yet every day he smiled since he knew he was making a difference even if was only with one person a time. Although he affected my life most because even though he was always making time for others he always made sure there was time for me and for us to go out on dates or even just have a movie night.

I heard the school board talk about how they are trying to come up with funding to build a monument in honor of you and all that you have done for the school. They hope by putting it up in the office for everyone to see will inspire others to achieve amazing things. So many people will probably talk about how perfect you were. Some would argue it's because you were captain of the football, baseball, and soccer teams. Others will say it's how you managed to keep your grades an A. While many will say it because you volunteered in whatever time you could spare to help others. But they didn't know you as I did and even with all of those reasons people will say I know that you just being yourself is what made you perfect not just your actions. I knew your biggest secret, and you would probably try tickling me to death before I could everyone but the truth needs to be known. The truth is I know you did all of this because you to impress everyone and not want to disappoint anyone. You did this because the world is full of evil and you wanted to change people's perspective of it and hopefully make them see that life is full of giving and not actually receiving anything but people's smiles and "thank you" is enough. Since you were afraid of letting others down. You wanted to help in any way you possibly could and sometimes you became broke because of helping people too much. But every time I would tell you those couple of words that "you help people too much" all you would say "there is no such thing as helping too much."It took me a while to realize that you were right but you were. Even though you would continue helping people you never worried about having no money because when it came down to it you had people you could rely on to help you, even though you never asked for it. Even with all of your flaws, you were still perfect to me and I wish everyone got to actually know the real you. Because the real Jake Young is an amazing guy that could have become a huge part of history. Although I know you never wanted to become a piece of history because you never thought you deserved to be remembered as anything more than a man from a small town that had a big part in his community but nothing more.

But you never will be thanks to me. I am so sorry Jake, if I just didn't argue with you about going out this would have never happened. Most people would say it's not my fault that I couldn't have known that was gonna happen. People tell me that I don't have magical powers that predict the future which automatically makes it not my fault since it wasn't my car that hit yours and killed you. Yet it still feels like it's all my fault. For wanting to go out to one stupid party. My logic was we both deserved a night out after nonstop studying and working. This is why I always let you make the decisions for us but I make this one and look where it got us. You are dead because of my decision and for that I am so sorry Jake and I hope you can forgive me although I don't think I deserve it. What we had was very special and something rare but I must try to face my biggest challenge and start over with my life. I won't forget the memories of us, but I can't let them hold me back forever even though more than likely that will be the outcome. Goodbye for now Jake.

~ Emily Winters

***

I walk over to his open casket and place the letter with him so it can be buried with him as it should. There would be no point except as a way to torture myself with guilt if I held onto the letter. Taking a minute to look at him I feel a tear roll down my face followed by another but I walk back over to the podium and begin to tell the town the story Jake and I. Sharing the good and the bad memories of my best friend and my true love. I tell everyone Jake's story, right up to the moment where this car came out of nowhere and took his life. By the end of my speech, I'm in full tears and I fall to the ground. Thinking to myself how this isn't fair and that Jake had more of a future than I did. Slowly after a couple of minutes a couple people come and lift me to my feet and help me walk to my seat. But I can't watch them lower him to the ground it's just too much. So with shaky legs, I leave and head home thinking that I will never go back.