I lick the end of the purple thread and push it through the eye of the needle. what used to feel like home now felt foreign but i will do this, i'll get the old seamstress in me back,i'll get the old nessa back.

After fixing everything on the old sewing machine,i pick the purple fabric from the box i brought in with me from the other bedroom and place it under the needle. my legs found the treadle and it fit so perfectly,at least to me, it did.

I pick my notebook from the box and go through my old designs.

"No..."

"No.. "

"Too long...."

"Too short....."

"Too no...."

"Too shiny...."

"Too boring...."

"Too...oh. i could make this work."

The design i picked was an original i did back when i was working at the diner and all i could think about was how i'd become a fashion designer. its a long lacy gown that sweeps the floor but not too long that i'll make me trip.

I stop,take in a deep breath and started cutting the fabric.

🎶 when i was just a little girl
i asked my mother ,what would i be?.... 🎶

I hum the song as i kept rocking the treadle back and forth.

Soon it was night time already and my heart started racing.

You would think a woman would anticipate her husband's arrival every night, but i dreaded mine.

His scent make my heart race,and not in a good way, His voice makes me jump and its not to run to hug him after a hard day at work, His touch sends a shiver down my spine. I get goosebumps when he touches me. His presence is like the sudden cold on a warm  winter night when the firewood burns out and there's no electricity and the windows are not functional and the roof is blown away by a Tornado.

I have subjected to my fate, which is to die by the hands of Ethan. The only thing i want to know is when.

When will i finally be put out of my misery?

When will i finally never feel pain again?

When will i finally be re-united with my abigail?

When........

I didnt realise i was crying until wiesly used his fatherly thumbs to brush the tears away. he gave me a look, The look.

The look everyone gives me when i am seen sporting a new injury, The look they all gave me when i lost my abigail.  The look they gave me when they came to see me one by one when i finally buried my baby. The look they used to give me before one by one, they stopped coming over to see me. They all probably think i'm dead, They're not too far off .

"is ethan home?" I sniff.

"Yes my lady, Mr jameson just arrived. He is with Eleanor—he said,reffering to our gardener— downstairs, i left them talking about a new garden."

"Okay then, please put all of this in that corner—I pointed to the bare corner in my room— And use a tarp or a curtain to cover it." I said and he nodded in understanding.

"Yes my lady." he bowed and walked into the closet to bring out a tarp.

I walked out of the room to meet ethan. You probably think i'm stupid and foolish to go meet him ,Even though i know there's a probability that i'll be sporting another injury by next morning. But ethan is not bad, he still treats me like his wife, he only hits me when he's fustrated or when I misbehave.

The stress of work takes a toll on him everyday and hitting me is just a way to vent his frustration. I know hitting me is a very ,very wrong way to go about it but we're working on it and even though i know i'll end up dead in his arms, I accept it because its better to die in the hands of the love of my life than end up alone.

I'm tainted and broken, even though i leave ethan, there's no way i could find someone else who would love my family, talkless about me like Ethan does.

I am terrified of ethan,but i love him. I love him enough to be his punching bag. I feel this andrenaline rush everytime i breathe his scent, Its like my body knows , it knows everything.

"Where's vanessa?" Ethan's voice boomed from the bottom of the stairs.

My heart skipped a beat.

"Upstairs sir" Marylyn'—one of the maids— voice replied.

I hear the stomping of feet on the stairs getting closer and closer until ethan's head poked from the top of the stairs.

I ran, the static air wooshing past me and i jumped into his arms. breathing in his scent. My body responded immediately.

"I missed you"  i learnt another way to save myself from getting hit by him, which is to sweeten him up. if he feels loved, maybe i'll feel no pain.

"How are you?" he asked,stroking my hair.

"I'm okay. how was work?" i pulled away and kissed his cheek.

He smiled. A smile that would make most females pool their panties. key word, most. i dont respond to him sexually anymore, maybe he broke it.

"work was ...work." he shrugged.

He stared at me expectantly, like I'm forgetting something. I rack my brain for what he might be hunting at. Then it dawned on me. My pulse quickened, How could I have forgotten?

I took his warm hand in my cold and sweaty ones and pulled him towards the bedroom. the one we share.

This is our routine every night. he comes home from work, i take him to the bedroom and complete the course. If he's fustrated, he hits me until i cant take it anymore, then do it himself. if he's not, i have to do it myself and it must be good.

Don't you just love my life?

I opened the bedroom door and pulled him inside.

My clamy palms are not getting better, my heart is racing.

I pulled him to the bed, he stood in front of it and stayed still. i went on my knees to pull off his shoes and socks and tried not to cringe from the smell.

I stood up and proceeded to take off his remaining clothing. his suit jacket, his waist coat,his dress shirt, his tie...

I dropped down on my knees again and worked on his belt. I undid it and dropped his trousers to his ankles.

"You're so beautiful Nessa, I missed you. " he says.  I nod.

I took a deep breath and placed my hands on the waistband of his boxers and i tugged them down, releasing him. He's already hard.

"Now be a good girl and make this happen later than usual. I want to enjoy every part of your fucking mouth " he stroked my hair.

He didnt even shower.

I look up and found his blue eyes staring at me with that grin, the one I used to think was genuine, his dark hair covering one side of his face. how did i fall inlove with this Devil of a man?

I returned my attention back to his lower body and held him. A strangled noise came from above me as I wrapped my hand around him. I start moving my hands, slowly.

"Fuck!" he hissed

Why don't I feel aroused?  What is wrong with me?

I used my thumb to rub circles on the tip. He moaned. That's a good sign.

I open my mouth to put him inside it, using my tongue to save myself from sporting another injury, I lick his head slowly.  In response, he pushed himself further in my mouth.

"Fuck Nessa!" he hissed.

I used my hands to cover the rest of him that cannot fit into my mouth because no matter how many times he tried to fit all of him in there, it never worked, i end up puking everytime.

  I pumped with my mouth and hands, faster and faster,  his moans became deeper and Soon, he released inside of me and i keep it in my mouth.

"Fuck!" He says breathlessly.

I have mastered the art of blocking my throat before he shoots his kids inside my mouth.

I slowly take him out of my mouth and quickly spit his release on a cloth nearby, i always do that after a year of swallowing his release and couldn't take it anymore.

I wipe my mouth with my hand and look up to find him staring at me.

Fuck.

Did he see what i did?

He raises his hand and use it to push his hair back.

"Why nessa? Why?

Oh lord, Not today, not today please.

Hot tears start trailing down my face as he walks away,looking for something.

"Please Ethan, Please." i cry. 

Of all days for him to find out, why today why.

"Please Ethan, I'll never do it again, I promise. I promise Ethan Please it was a mistake, i was stupid. Please ,Please"

My pleas went ignored as he walked towards me in his all naked glory with the whip in his hands.

"Please , Please don't do this, don't, I beg you don't." sobbing uncontrollably, i crawl towards the bathroom.

I didnt even make it halfway through when he grabbed my hair and pulled me back with it.

The Pain shot through my scalp as he yanked harder. I still beg him not to hit me after three years, why am I not used to o this yet!?  Why?

*👑 *👑*👑* 👑*👑* 👑 *👑 *👑

Heyya lovelies 💙
100+ votes.  I don't know what to say, for real.  Thank all of you.  I wanted this book to show the life of a woman who had everything but had nothing and you guys have given me the motivation to continue.  Thank you so much

And Gaaaahh!!!  Another short chapter. 

I know, I'm sorry, I will make up for it in the next chapter.

I know most of you are confused because Nessa said she's in love with Ethan but she's terrified of him and she doesn't feel sexually attracted to him anymore but that's the point of the chapter.

Vanessa is confused about her feelings towards Ethan.  Thats the whole point of the title of the chapter.

I hope you like this chapter.💙 don't forget to keep those votes coming.  And I like comments too :-)