𝑱𝒆𝒇𝒇𝒓𝒆𝒚 𝑺𝒕𝒚𝒍𝒆𝒔

     Two minutes later when Sarah is gone, I stand up from the couch and trudge to the kitchen. Ella follows behind. I near the cabinet and take out a glass along with the Scotch I stashed two days ago.

     I retrace my steps to the center table and plop down on a chair. Then I open the Scotch and fill up my glass, gulping everything. I pour another round and gulp. I’m about to pour again when Ella moves toward me and snatches the Scotch.

     Glancing up at her, I sigh heavily. I know she’s worried and wondering why I’m getting myself drunk. I can’t believe what Sarah told me earlier. I don’t want to believe it. My wife killed herself. Why is it so difficult for anyone to understand that?

     For six months, I thought I’d gotten over my loss, but I haven’t. I’m still haunted by what I did to Adrienne, and it’s getting worse. I know I need help. Adrienne is driving me crazy even in her death. My only mistake was cheating and not telling her. Why am I being tormented when I didn’t kill her? Or maybe I did kill her. Did I kill my wife? No. I wouldn’t kill Adrienne in a million times. I loved her too much to kill her. She was my first true love, and I guess it’d be difficult to forget about her.

     “What’s the matter?”

     I snap out of my thoughts that are threatening to engulf me to my death.

     “Nothing,” I murmur.

     She puts the Scotch away and takes a seat across from me. “It’s not nothing. You were screaming, Jeff. I thought something had happened to you...” She reaches for my hand, and her voice is shaky when she continues, “What’s bothering you?”

     I look into her eyes and see that she’s truly worried. I don’t want her to worry about me, but I don’t know how to tell her. I’m not going to tell her I’m fine because she knows I’m not.

     “It’s nothing you should worry about. I can take care of myself.”

     She pulls back her hand. “It doesn’t seem like it, Jeff. I agreed to stay here with you because I thought I could trust you to take care of me till our baby joins us, but if I'm wrong, I’ll just go upstairs and pack my things.”

     That’s the last thing I want Ella to do; leave me like Adrienne did. I can’t live with two losses. Quickly I lean forward for her hand and pat it. “No, Ella. Don’t leave me.”

     “Then tell me what’s bothering you. I need to be assured I can count on you to protect our child. I can’t do that when I think you’re not okay.”

     She’s got a point. I need to forget about my past and get on with my life for my child’s sake. But somehow my past won’t just leave me. Then it occurs to me that it won’t. I’ll just have to make peace with it. But I’ll need Adrienne’s forgiveness to do that, and she’s dead.

     “All right. You win,” I say, “the woman who just left... she’s the one who called earlier.”

     “I guessed so. What did she want, and why were you screaming at her?”

     “She thinks Adrienne didn’t kill herself. She thinks someone murdered her. I screamed at her to leave because she was plunging me into my darkest moments again, and I didn’t want to go back there. It’s scary.” Tears glide down my face.

     “So it was about Adrienne, huh?”

     I bob my head.

     “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that’s what you were going through.” She falls silent as if contemplating, then she looks up at me. “I also think about her sometimes... how I betrayed my best friend, and I feel so guilty.”

     “I wish I could see her and ask her forgiveness, but it’s not possible.” She looks directly into my eyes. “Adrienne is gone, and we have to accept it. She’s not coming back. We just have to live with what we did to her.”

     “She’s not gone,” I say, and her brows pucker.

     “What?”

     “She’s in my head, Ella. She’s driving me crazy. I want to get her out of my mind, but I can’t.” I gaze into her eyes. “I think I’m losing it. I didn’t want to accept it, but now it’s worsening. I need help, Ella. I’m going crazy.”

     I break down into tears. She gets up and crouches over me. She curves her arms around my shoulders, clutching my shaky hands. “I’m going to help you, Jeff. It’s good you finally saw that you need help. I know someone who can help.”

     Even if I get the entire help in the world, I don’t think I’ll ever forget what I did to Adrienne. I need to see Adrienne once again. I have to see Andrienne. Dear death, bring back my wife. I can’t live without her. I need Adrienne. I need my wife, or else I’m going to lose it.