Dear Boo,

I am currently suffering from depression. I feel like I'm living two lives. One is faking my happiness and going with the flow and acting like everything is fine, just so no one knows. The other is crying myself to sleep at night, cutting skin that I can cover up later, so no one knows.

I don't want to go to a counselor for help. I don't want to die. But I just feel like the world would be better without me.

My parents don't know. My friends don't know. No one knows. And I can't tell them.
What am I supposed to do?

♡Ella*

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Dear Ella*,

Hi, darling. Thank you for writing to me about how you feel with your depression. This isn't an easy topic to open up about, so thank you for trusting me with it. Depression is something I know all too well, unfortunately. It's something that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I want you to know how brave and courageous you are for speaking up about what you're going through.

You're not alone in this, please know that!
Your friends and family may not know about your struggles, but telling someone is the first step, and you've done that by writing to me. Accepting that you're depressed is a big step as well, many don't realize this. It's something about finally being able to put a name to what is wrong with you that makes it more acceptable to deal with.

I was first diagnosed with depression when I was around the age of fifteen, or so. I know how much of a struggle it is to deal with it every moment of every day...especially the thoughts that linger in your mind. 

Being depressed on top of self-harming can be overwhelming if you let it. I know that some days are worse than others, but many people don't understand those good days are still bad. 

Depression is something that someone can't fully grasp unless they experience it themselves. It's more than just "being sad". I actually had a doctor ask me if my depression was just me being "a little sad" once! Okay...let me kick you in the balls and ask if you're just having "a little pain"! 

Some think that others self-harm because they want to die. However, that's not necessarily true. People self-harm because it takes emotional pain and turns it into physical pain. It's a way to cope with your inner demons.

Cutting is very dangerous, but I understand why you feel the need to do it. Below I will add a photo that has some coping mechanisms for self-harm. I've tried some of these myself because years ago I used to do the same thing.

I want you to write down ten things that you enjoy doing. Then every day I want you to try to do at least one of them. Also, every day I want you to look in the mirror and tell yourself a few things: I am beautiful, I accept my flaws, I am in control, and I love myself.

When you want to self-harm just stop and ask your body what it needs. Are you hungry? Bored? Mad? Hurt? Use questions to take your mind off it. When you get that urgent try going half an hour without hurting yourself. Then, go for an hour. Keep it up to see how long you can go without cutting. 

Grab a journal and write! Pour your heart out with your words so you can get every emotion out of your mind. Think of it as turning your emotions into something physical. If you're upset with someone, write them a letter and rip it up or keep it hidden. Sometimes putting your feelings on paper helps a lot.

You mentioned that you don't want to see a therapist, but I do recommend that. Therapy has helped many people, including myself. There may be something going on other than depression and you need to be sure. Is there a specific reason why you don't want to see a therapist? 

Depression isn't just a feeling! It's a chemical imbalance in our brains that causes us to be depressed. Sometimes people need medication to help, again I am one of those people. I take two different medications for my depression and bipolar disorder (which is a deeper form of depression. They help me a lot, so I'm very vocal about it.

Reaching out to me is a good start in getting help. I want to say how proud I am of you for speaking out about it. It takes strength and courage to do so.
I can relate when it comes to living two lives. You pretend to be happy and strong for everyone, but inside you're crumbling. My advice is don't give up! You can, and will, overcome this. 

Keeping everything to yourself is one of the worst things you can do. Talk with a friend you trust the most, they can be in person or online. Remember your worth! You're amazing and I know it's hard to feel it at times, but it's true. Anytime things get bad and you need someone to talk to please just send me a message. 

Love Always,
Boo♡

There is a way to talk to someone without seeing someone in person. You can call or text the above numbers when you're going through a rough time.

Signs of anxiety and depression for those who are going through something similar.

Fifty alternatives to self-harm because you matter!

♡♡♡♡♡

(lovely banner made by my beautiful friend pumpkin-bombshell )

*Name has been changed to protect identity.

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