⚠️WARNING!⚠️

This letter is very deep and may be triggering. Cancer and rape will be discussed. If either subject is triggering then please read with caution. Both are serious, sensitive matters which are discussed in detail.

Dear Boo,

I'm an adult and I've never dated anyone before. I'm in my middle twenties and never have had a boyfriend.

It's not like I can't find anyone, the problem is I can't date somehow. I'll try to explain this to you.

I can hang out with men without problems, but when it comes to relationships, touching or intimate things – I always back away. Always!

Somehow I am always alarmed when a man comes too close to me. Literally, my brain screams danger in these times. That's also why I'm an introvert and very unsociable.

I thought about the reason a lot, why I am like this. Why I can not trust men and be near them without backing away or being afraid.

One day I remembered something about my childhood. A big traumatizing experience happened. I think this is the reason why I never have had a relationship until now.

When I was in sixth or seventh grade I saw TWO men raping a fifteen-year-old girl. Yeah, you read that right – I saw them. One guy was holding the girl down while the other…..

I was coming home with my family in the evening and they were raping this girl behind our house in a dark corner, near our door. The two men ran away when they saw us. But we saw everything because they didn't hear us coming. Everything was so sudden.

I thought I had forgotten this, but for a while now I have been thinking that this experience is locked in my mind. I think this is the reason why I am always in an alarmed mood when I come near men.

When a man touches me I tense up really bad. It doesn't matter if it's a family member or a doctor.

I don't understand myself – I'm so weird!

As a child, I didn't have issues. I played with all the boys in my neighborhood and my father was my best friend. But since the trauma everything changed, I guess.

When I see girls being friendly and touchy with me, while being so relaxed, I always wonder–what is wrong with me? Why can't I be normal too?

But, this is not the only reason why I've never had a boyfriend.

When I was 18 I had cancer and had therapy. I'm healthy now. I don't have any physical pain anymore, but my mental state is literally fucked up, very bad.

When I had cancer everyone looked at me with pity, as if I was hopeless. I have every kind of mental issues because of people and their comments about me. Not because of the pain I went through.

Words always hurt more than any physical pain, you know.

I still had hope that someone would like me with all my scars and missing organs. I still wanted to be loved, no matter how worthless and weak people made me feel.

Sometime after my therapy, I had the courage and talked to some men. There was one who I really liked very much. We got to know each other on Instagram and I was going to meet him in real life.

But, I always have complexes about my scars and feeling worthless. So, one day I told him I went through cancer therapy. I wanted to make sure it didn't bother him in any way.

He never messaged me again!

My faith in love went to hell on that day. I always think I'm not worth being loved because I'm not healthy like others. I always have an inferior complex as if I'm not a whole human.

I had some other experiences similar to this, every one of them crushed my hopes more and more, to the point where I gave up on love.

Some while ago, I got to know a man. We started messaging on social media because of work, then I got really interested in him after a while. He seems to be interested in me too.

I want to meet up with him during the summer holidays since he lives in a different country. But, the voices in my head are trying to stop me from meeting up with him.

What if I get in an alarmed mood again when I'm near him?

What if he leaves me too if he knows I had cancer therapy and mental issues?

I don't know what to do. I have never had psychological therapy before.

Do you think there is a way to get over this and meet up with the man without feeling weird things? I want to get myself used to being near men, but I don't know how to do it. My fear of being turned down is always there too. Summer is coming up and it drives me crazy. I don't want to let go of him, but the demons in my head won't leave me alone.

Thank you,

Yuki*

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

Dear Yuki*,

Thank you for opening up to me about this. When I first was reading your letter I had the feeling that something happened sexually to either you or someone close to you. Then I read what you saw. That is very traumatizing. You're right, that is a big part of the reason you are afraid of men.

Your mind automatically goes back to that night in your childhood when you saw those two men raping that young girl. I hope the cops caught them and pressed charges, and that the girl is okay today. That is a very sad situation.

There are monsters out there like that, but not all men are this way. Some men are very loving and loyal. For the first guy to bail out on you because you had cancer when you were 18 was awful. I'm very sorry that someone treated you this way.

Just because you had cancer and are missing any organ does not make you at less human, or woman, than the next. In fact, it makes you stronger. You beat cancer! The word alone puts fear into people. You beat it and came out stronger!

Sweetheart, you're not weird at all for feeling how you do. It's PTSD or post-traumatic stress disorder. Your mind goes back to what you saw that night, so it automatically protects yourself from the same thing happening to you. You tense up and block off any chances of that happening. It's a normal reaction to an experience such as that.

I do personally recommend psychological therapy. A specialist can get to the main issue and help you. It helps to talk to people about everything. Keeping things in does more damage.

I know you definitely have PTSD from this because everything was fine before this happened. Afterward is when things begin to change. You may not remember right after it, our minds will block out certain things to protect us.

I think people look at others with pity and sorrow because cancer is scary and no matter how much you care about someone, you can't help them.

You're definitely not worthless, nor weak. You have a purpose in life and are so very strong.

This current guy that you're talking to may not be like the others. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Talk to him and tell him about your past with cancer. If – huge IF – he's like others, then it will prevent you from being hurt more. If not then you will know that he supports you. Just tell him of your fear that he will stop talking to you. Anyone who stops talking to someone because they beat cancer is very rude and childish.

It sounds like you go into panic attacks when men are near you. This is also why I recommend seeing a therapist. They can help with treatment with this as well as your PTSD.

You can't spend your life thinking about the what ifs! Spend your life taking chances and living a great life. Still be cautious, because that is normal, but give some guys a chance and get to know them. If they are a good guy they will respect your boundaries.

When you go into a panic attack remember to breathe deep. In your nose and out of your mouth. Deep, slow breaths.

Getting to know someone on an emotional level will make you feel more at ease with them physically. Everyone, even if they don't speak about it, has a fear of being turned down.

The number one thing, before you can love any man… love yourself! You must love yourself first and accept the fact that you are a whole person, no matter what. You are beautiful, strong and brave.

Anytime you need to talk just send me a message. I'm normally online anytime I'm awake. I'm always here for anyone who needs a friend. I may not have all the answers, but hopefully, I was able to help you a little bit.

Take care and love yourself! Have a wonderful summer and talk to your guy, if anything I think he will be supportive of you and be there for you.

Love always,
Boo

*Name has been changed to protect identity.