Dear Boo,

This is a little difficult for me to talk about, especially because there are so many details that need to be explained properly in order to get the entire big picture; I’ll try to explain the best that I can, but please let me know if anything needs to be clarified.

My relationship with my dad is rocky – and by rocky, I mean it’s pretty non-existent. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he’s an alcoholic and a smoker with a bad temper and a habit of lying, guilt-tripping, and belittling.

The reason my mom divorced my dad after only two years of marriage was because he came home one night drunk, got mad at my mom and hit her, and proceeded to yank me out of the crib and fling me around like a rag doll (her words, not mine). This wasn’t the first time he hit her, but it was the first time he came after me (I was around two at the time, and my brother was probably a few months old by then). I don’t remember that, but I do remember him beating me with a belt when I was four years old to the point I was so bruised, I couldn’t sit down (years later, I discovered he had lied to the police about what really happened, and I’m still upset about that). That’s the last time I remember him physically abusing me; he switched to emotional abuse – which brings in the guilt tripping and belittling (he’d say degrading things about my weight even as a growing kid or take away my books because I was being “antisocial” instead of being supportive that I was expressing interest in reading).

I’m pretty sure that’s the pinpoint of our relationship declining. That, and the fact he showed favoritism to my brother during our childhood; he went to my brother’s sports games, he coached his basketball team one year – every time my brother wanted him there, he was there. But not once did he come to a choir concert or a school play or any of my volleyball and basketball games, excluding when I was on the basketball team in the sixth grade, because my mom had my younger twin siblings (they were still babies) who had gotten sick and she didn’t want to take them out in the fall weather. He didn’t even come to my high school graduation – because he “thought” I didn’t want him there just because the summer before my senior year, I told him I didn’t want to come over every weekend during the school year, I wanted to make plans with my friends. I didn’t do a whole lot during high school because he would guilt trip me about how he had plans for us and he never gets to see us that often, etc. Which those “plans” never happened, and I honestly missed out on a lot of fun with my classmates.

Going back to the alcohol/bad temper for a minute, it got to the point where - when he’d get so mad, that his voice would go up in pitch when he was yelling, and his face would distort and turn tomato red - my whole body would shake in terror, my heart racing and I’d lose my breath (yep, I have panic attacks triggered by my dad’s physical rage – lovely, isn’t it.). And most of his rages were directed at my brother, after the incident I mentioned above. Some of those moments included my dad shoving my brother’s metal baseball bat into his hands and telling my brother to swing at his head (he was drunk on tequila and got mad because my brother threw a ball at my aunt’s face after she slipped and fell during a game of kickball), shoving my brother across the kitchen after shattering his phone (bro was inappropriately talking to a girl who lied about her age), and within the last few months, hitting my brother in the face/head because they got into a yelling argument while he was drunk (I only saw him fall to the floor as I was in the kitchen and could see the doorway of the bedroom).

Anyways, I bring all of this up because almost a week ago, my father called me and told me that he and his family (my stepmom and younger adopted sister) were moving to another state. His work had closed in our state, so he was going to go with them in order to keep his job. When he hung up, a feeling of relief and "good riddance" sort of washed over me, immediately followed by guilt. Two days ago, he informed my brother, our older adopted sister (stepmom's older girl) and I that they're not moving, and I felt annoyed - this is the third time they decided that they were going to move to another state and then change their minds. I feel like at this point until it happens, I can't believe anything they say about moving.

I guess I just need some advice: is it wrong for me to wish that they would move to another state, just so I can't feel bad every time my dad guilt trips me about something or belittles me about my life choices? How do you forgive someone who doesn't ever admit they were wrong, or even apologize genuinely and mean it? How can I stop hurting for the little girl who only ever wanted her father to love & support her, the way he loves & supports his adopted daughters? How can I move on from the fact that I will never be good enough for my own father?

Thank you for listening, Boo. I really don’t have anyone else to turn to.

Love,
Bruised Peaches

🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑

Dear Bruised Peaches,

Hey, sweetheart, thank you for coming to me with such a heavy topic that has been lying on your heart for so long. I know everything is very difficult for you to talk about, it made me cry just reading your letter. I'll go through your letter from beginning to end so I can focus on every small detail.

A non-existent relationship with a parent is hard, but when all these factors are thrown in it can be devastating. An alcoholic drinks because they are running from some extreme emotion or action. So, they turn to alcohol which becomes habit forming. Lying, guilt-tripping, and belittling are all because of his alcoholism.

A bad temper and alcohol is a bad combo that never mixes! Is it constant anger issues, or does it happen only when he's drinking? My Mom is with a man who is an alcoholic, he drinks two pints of vodka per day. So, I know it's very frustrating to even deal with someone like that. I've drunk a bunch of times in my adulthood, but never have I had a negative reaction, so I wonder if he has an underlying disorder and he drinks to cope.

Your Mom made a hard, but smart, decision to divorce your Dad. Abuse is NEVER okay! I don't care if someone is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, it is never ever okay! Mom's are resilient, we tend to forgive husbands (and wives) when it comes to hurting us. But, when it comes to our babies, that's where we draw the line.

I understand spanking your child, I disagree with a belt. That was no spanking! That was a beating! Knowing how badly he beat you makes my heart hurt. At four years old you were a baby. You were just starting to learn, hell – you weren't even old enough for kindergarten!

He picked up a belt and took his anger out on you. That makes me furious! Sure I was spanked with a belt a couple of times as a child, but it never left a mark. Of course, that was a different generation when cps wouldn't jump for spanking your children on the legs or butt. He must have told the police quite a story because think about it...how can bruising from a belt be explained?

I think he stopped with the physical abuse because he knew you were getting old enough to tell what happened and he came close to going to jail for child abuse.

Emotional abuse is deadly. Sometimes that is more severe than physical abuse. I don't care how much you weighed as a child, what he did was NOT okay! He was very controlling when you were a child. Most parents love when their children read, I know I definitely do.

Does he even realize the trauma he put you through as a child, teen, and even as an adult? Putting you down because of your weight is probably something that sticks with you today. I know that's very hurtful. I've always been chunkier than I should be, but I'm comfortable with it. Mainly because I learned to love myself no matter what. There are times I get down, but who doesn't? Sure, there are others smaller and others bigger than me, but inside I'm still me. My weight does not determine who I am as a person!

Peaches, always remember this – you are absolutely beautiful! You have a beautiful soul, you're a wonderful friend to me and you're gorgeous! Embrace that. Don't let your Dad take away how amazing you are.

You were very active growing up. Music, plays, volleyball, and basketball...wow! That is impressive, you should take pride in each of those.

That's terrible that he missed your high school graduation. Honestly, he didn't deserve to watch you walk across that stage. But, I know you wanted him there no matter what happened. You did all that without hin.! You accomplished every single thing without him! You did all of this darlin, and I for one am so proud of you. You went through hell with him and you didn't let anything stop you. That's because you're a rockstar sister!

You begin having panic attacks because you feared your father. Anytime you think of him, you think negative because he's never given you anything positive to go by. It's horrible that he made his own daughter fear him. Your mind goes into survival mode when he would get upset. A Dad is supposed to be his daughter's best friend, her protector, but instead, he became the one you feared.

I do understand why he destroyed your brother's phone. That girl could have ruined his future and landed him in jail as a felon, then a sex offender. I can elaborate more in pm, that's something about my family I won't share on here, but I will share with you personally.

It seems his anger is towards a lot of people. It's a shame your brother is going through the same shit you did. I don't know if you're close with your brother, but he may need someone to talk to you about the abuse he deals with.

It's okay to feel relief that he would move away from you. Your mind senses relief because he still has a hold on you. That hold is fear. Remember that you are in control. If you don't want to speak to him, then don't. Always protect yourself! You're more important. I think you felt guilty because you think you're supposed to love him no matter what, so you felt ashamed that you felt free. Honey, you shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed, he hurt you in every possible way.

He seems like the type to lie about everything to try to get a reaction out of you. I wonder since he abused your mom, you, and your brother, does he abuse his stepdaughter and current wife?

I think you're making great choices in your life, you don't need anyone's approval – especially his – about your life. As long as you're happy with your choices that's what matters!

It's not wrong to wish he would move. We always want to feel safe, and with him close to you-you don't feel safe.

Remember, forgive and forgetting are two different things. Forgiveness is for yourself. Make him earn your love, trust, and respect all over again. Try telling him everything that's on your mind. As you know, I'm a big fan of writing, so if it helps, write to him and explain every little thing you feel. Make him understand! My Mom did this with her Mom when they had major problems and it helped their relationship so much.

As for hurting for a little girl who wants her father, that is something you need to work on with him. Tell him that when you talk or write to him. I can't imagine that on top of the abuse. I often wondered why I wasn't good enough for my biological father as well.

You're more than good enough. HE is the problem. HE is the one who lost an amazing girl. HE made his daughter afraid of him. This isn't your fault, you didn't do anything. For you to want to forgive him shows how loving you are.

I do think your father has a psychological disorder, such as BPD. He shows many signs of it. I think he needs help to get to the root of the problem. Also, I think a therapist would be beneficial for you as well. Many times our brain retains deep trauma we don't remember, so there may be more you don't remember. I think it would help with your panic attacks, anxiety, and possible depression.

I'm always here for you no matter what. I consider you a good friend and I wish I could take this pain away. I understand what it's like not to have someone to confide in about certain topics. You always have my support with anything, I'm here day or night. I love you dearly sis, I'm sending hugs and praying you heal. If you get overwhelmed with this, just reach out and I'll do my best to be your strength when you need someone.

Remember to hold your beautiful head up and breathe. This will take time and effort from both sides, especially his. Remember you are in control, Peaches!

Love Always,
Boo

**Name has been changed to protect identity.

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