Book name: The Athletic Type [o h s h c]
Fandom: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre: Romance
Author: Sniper152
POV: First person view
Content: 22
Status: Completed

Remarks: "I want to get advice so I can expand and make my book better because I know there's some slight holes that could be fix I just don't know what they are."

- Eliara-chan

A) Cover - A+ (10)
...1) Image [ A+ ]
...2) Font [ A+ ]
...3) Color scheme [ A+ ]
...4) Resolution [ A+ ]
...5) Implicative Aspect [ A+ ]
...6) Impact [ A+ ]
...7) Meaning [ A+ ]

B) Description - A+ (9.5)
...1) Style [ A+ ]
...2) Relevance [ A+ ]
...3) Mysticism [ A+ ]
...4) Neatness [ A+ ]

C) Storyline - D (6.3)
...1) Chapter length [ D ]
...2) Prioritization [ B ]
...3) Spotlights [ B ]
...4) Composition/Style [ E ]
...5) Presence of Plotline [ E ]
...6) Originality [ E ]
...7) Efficiency [ F ]

D) Characters - C+ (7.2)
...1) Accuracy [ C- ]
...2) Description [ D ]
......a) Style
......b) Vividness
......c) Impact
......d) Originality (only OC characters)
...3) Presence [ B+ ]
......1) Scene distribution
......2) Contribution to story

E) Dialogue - B- (7.5)
...1) Accuracy [ B+ ]
...2) Density/Weight [ C- ]
...3) Language [ A+ ]
...4) Richness [ D ]
......a) Description of actions
......b) Linear to scene
......c) Creativity
...5) Length [ D ]
...6) Delivery [ D ]
...7) Neatness [ A+ ]

F) Setting - C- (6.5)
...1) Direction [ E ]
...2) Number of locations [ A+ ]
...3) Vividness [ F ]
...4) Scenario [ D ]
...5) Names [ B+ ]
......a) Locations
......b) Characters
......c) Others

G) Technicals - B (8)
...1) Errors [ A+ ]
......a) Grammar
......b) Punctuation
......c) Typo
...2) Arrangement [ D ]
...3) Encapsulation of idea [ B ]
...4) Mood [ D ]
...5) Book title [ A+ ]
...6) Genre relevance and accuracy [ B ]

* * * * * * * *

Verdict :

Book rating: 7.5/10.0 (B-)

Potential: 55%

* * * * * * * *

A) Cover - 10
I don't need to say anything since I already made the cover, ehehe. (This was the comment from months ago. . .)

Ok, so I didn't give a rating because I should say that the cover actually works well :)

B) Description
The description honestly was very mystifying. It may have been brief, but it was well-written. As simple as it was, the description in itself says more than enough what the story is about, and not everyone gets to write something like that. So good job on that part.

In the first circle, you could have written it like this: I would tell you that I would be somewhere in Russia. Then in the second circle, you wrote, "If you ask me now that I moved to Japan," isn't that in itself wrong grammar and wrongly said? I could be rewritten as, "If you asked me how I'm doing now that I moved to Japan instead."

That's all that needs improvement here :)

C) Storyline

Like most stories I've read and reviewed, this part is the most vital. At the most part, you did a great job writing the story. To be honest, I never expected Ikki-kun to be a girl and his friend, Naoki to be a guy, it was quite a surprise honestly. I honestly enjoyed the development of the story, so I hope that the criticism I give you will not only help you with the improvement of this book, although you have already finished it, but to encourage you and help develop your writing skills :)

The story was paced just right, it works well and entertains the readers. It took a while to show that the book was actually mostly about Ikki developing her emotional stability with her home and relationship with Naoki. She did reveal herself to be a girl eventually and even stopped being a guy. Although I am honestly confused about the relationship between Ikki and her father. Because when he was first introduced, he was rough and abusive despite the fact that Ikki said that he wasn't, "it's just punishment," he said.

But sadly, the story ending seems rushed. It seemed so dramatic at first but there was too little drama, like it just all went—ta-da! Just like that. It seemed anticlimactic and it didn't reach my expectations. I didn't think that it would just end subtly, no offense. Maybe you should add more scenarios, like an argument with Naoki, explanation about her father, etc. Those are a few loopholes you could fix.

D) Characters
What I don't like about first POVs is that I don't get to imagine how the OC looks like. I guess everyone was okay, like they were in character and etc. But they seemed lacking. Like you need to emphasize their characteristics more so that they could seem like.. more alive I guess? To be honest, the characters are a little dull since their conversations were short. The characters also lacked expressions and reactions, I think you should fix that.

To make characters more important or close to the character, their interactions are very quite needed. It's okay to jump from one character to another, but you have to make sure to keep characters within the existing imagination of the reader otherwise they would disappear and we would forget that they're there in the first place.

Overall, the characters were in character so good job on that :)

E) Dialogue
Good job on working on the dialogues, I'll tell you that. But I also have to tell you that your journey as a writer is far from done and that you have a lot of potential in you. Thus, you have a lot to improve as well. I advise you to separate conversations, like one paragraph for a character's part of the conversation. Like this for example:

The words underlined with red line is Ikki's line while the violet is Honey's. You have to separate them into two parts, because you wouldn't want the reader getting confused on who's talking, no? I often had to reread the paragraphs so that I could get the idea of who is talking or not.

F) Setting
Like the previous book I've reviewed, you need to work on describing the scenery around the characters. I don't know, I have no real words, but I encourage you to describe. It would be a whole lot better, I swear, haha.

It may be just me, but I'm sure readers would appreciate a more vivid story. That's how I do it :)

G) Technicals
Now the technicals got the highest rating because I barely saw any problem with the punctuations, the grammar, but you might have to recheck for spellings, which is rare. So good job with that! But there were some stuff that really needs to be changed, especially that this is a book that we're talking about.

First, you should write the words not the numbers.

And by the way, onii-chan (pronounced: o-nee-chan) is for addressing brothers while onee-chan (pronounced: o-neh-chan) is for addressing sisters. I wonder if you mixed that up, or did it on purpose.

Could you fix this paragraph? I was completely overwhelmed with confusion xD

I think you meant, "I called my ticket to Ouran an old man. God, please strike me a hundred times with lightning!"

* * * * *

Concluding remarks:

I should say that you did a good job well done with the book. To be honest, this book reminds when I first started writing here in Wattpad xD

My first book was a BroCon fanfic and I've already forgotten what it was about but the book really reminded me about it xD And don't bother checking my profile, I deleted the book. I was ashamed of it—basically I deleted all my early books except for DID. It was the only book with a complete idea. Or at least a piece of work I managed to finish.

Anyways, good work with the book. I hope you were proud of it, and you should. It could stand as a memento of your beginner books as you continue writing. If you continue practicing and improving, you would see and learn a lot.

And by the way, 1100 words isn't long. I write the minimum of 4000 words on my books xD

- R