Book name: Blinded - A Hunter x Hunter Fanfiction
Fandom: HunterxHunter
Genre: Adventure
Author: Lylaskk
POV: First person view
Content: 13 chapters (excluding irrelevant chapters)
Status: Completed

Remarks: "I want to know how my previous work is, and how I should improve because of it."

- Gs-chan

A) Cover - E (5.7)
...1) Image [ C+ ]
...2) Font [ C+ ]
...3) Color scheme [ C- ]
...4) Resolution [ A+ ]
...5) Implicative Aspect [ E ]
...6) Impact [ F ]
...7) Meaning [ B+ ]

B) Description - F (0)
...1) Style [ F ]
...2) Relevance [ F ]
...3) Mysticism [ F ]
...4) Neatness [ F ]

C) Storyline - F (4.9)
...1) Chapter length [ C+ ]
...2) Prioritization [ C+ ]
...3) Spotlights [ C+ ]
...4) Composition/Style [ E ]
...5) Presence of Plotline [ E ]
...6) Originality [ F ]
...7) Efficiency [ B ]

D) Characters - B (8)
...1) Accuracy [ B ]
...2) Description [ D ]
......a) Style
......b) Vividness
......c) Impact
......d) Originality (only OC characters)
...3) Presence [ A+ ]
......1) Scene distribution
......2) Contribution to story

E) Dialogue - B- (7.6)
...1) Accuracy [ A+ ]
...2) Density/Weight [ A+ ]
...3) Language [ A+ ]
...4) Richness [ F ]
......a) Description of actions
......b) Linear to scene
......c) Creativity
...5) Length [ D ]
...6) Delivery [ D ]
...7) Neatness [ B- ]

F) Setting - F (5.3)
...1) Direction [ F ]
...2) Number of locations [ A+ ]
...3) Vividness [ F ]
...4) Scenario [ D ]
...5) Names [ B+ ]
......a) Locations
......b) Characters
......c) Others

G) Technicals - D (6.3)
...1) Errors [ F ]
......a) Grammar
......b) Punctuation
......c) Typo
...2) Arrangement [ A+ ]
...3) Encapsulation of idea [ D ]
...4) Mood [ D ]
...5) Book title [ D ]
...6) Genre relevance and accuracy [ A+ ]

* * * * * * * *

Verdict :

Book rating: 5.4/10.0 (F)

Potential: 96%

* * * * * * * *

A) Cover

To be honest, I preferred the previous cover, hahaha. Well, it was unique and mysterious in its own way, compared to the current one that appeared like any other cover. Although, there wasn't really a problem with the current cover. It was honestly okay and acceptable. But I believe it lacks impact and interesting features. Not to mention Killua and Yuki appear like there were intentionally cut out from paper and placed on the cover. Also, their features were too vague.

But good job on making the cover! You appeared to have put more effort into making a second while waiting for me to post this review, lol. You have the potential to improve, and that's good. For your efforts, I made the one down below as a gift. If you want it, just tell me so that I could send it to you :)

I didn't know what exactly your taste in style is, but this is the best I could do for your book. Because of the book title, it would mean sadness and longing for someone who seemed to have either lost hope or see the reality of living.

Although the book wasn't sad at all; I'll get to that later.

B) Description
Girl, you could work a whole lot on the description. I know that you are fully aware that Blinded was a beginner book since it was your first. But hey, everyone grows, everyone learns. It wouldn't hurt to put in a description, so if you need any additional assistance, there's me to consult with :D

The description, though most people neglect delicacy, is the most crucial part of the book for the reader. It's not the cover, but the description. Just so you know, the description does the final move of attracting readers. A good description gets a lot of attention, so you have to make a description, otherwise only a handful would dare read.

C) Storyline
Remember this: do not use the ORIGINAL plot of the anime and insert your character into it. That's a big NO-NO. If the storyline you had was made differently though we'd get the same concept that it would be the beginning of Killua and Gon who are making their debut as hunters. But since you merely inserted Yuki and her brothers, it won't be good at all. There's a lot of possible improvements on the storyline, like the opening of the story for example. Instead of opening it lightheartedly, to make it go with the given title, which is Blinded, you could have start with Yuki and Killua's "relationship" because I didn't understand it. That mysterious and intensive prologue would surely spark people's interest.

You need to add more than what you currently have in your hands. The story needs a whole lot of improvement, you could add something more on Yuki's background because I really got confused a lot. She gets crazy and sadistic in a sporadic (occasional) pattern. If the story was intense then I wouldn't have a problem with Yuki's craziness along with her brothers. A light story with crazy intense characters don't go together, I can assure you of that. People won't think too good of the story. 

As I mentioned before, you should and you could think more about the story. There were too many plot holes and you could do more than just ending the story with the OC getting kidnapped. It may be quite the cliffhanger, but it's too cliche.

You could try rereading the story yourself. If you cringe along the beginning then it's clear that you have to fix that beginning. If you cringe as the story progresses, you, of course, would know where and how to start the fix. I can't tell you one hundred percent on how to fix the story, but you, a growing author, can. You named that book Blinded so you have to fix the book according to the title. Clearly the big question the title would present wold be: "Who is blind?"

I don't get if it's Killua or Yuki who's supposed to be blinded to something, but you could make the story more intense don't you not? :) 

D) Characters
I had a hard time imagining the OC because you didn't describe her at all except for the "character introduction" chapter. I only remembered her as a petite girl with white hair to be honest, lol. Describing them at the first—second chapter will not imprint an impression of the character to the reader. It's fine for Killua and the others, but that's only because viewers and readers can already imagine him by just the sound (spelling) of his name. Although this is just a small issue.

I don't COMPLETELY know the original character's personalities, but I do know that Killua has a dark side. But the book didn't show any sign of sadism at all, so maybe you could work on that. Because Killua being all sweet and clingy don't do well. Gon is 100% fine, so good job on that!

As for Yuki and her brothers, their originality isn't good. In many anime fandoms, there are too many overpowered OCs who show know sign of imperfections. A good story comes with a good character development but if it's merely "a journey" then there's nothing to think about. The intensity of the story comes along with the OC's sufferings and growth. You know Tokyo Ghoul and Attack on Titan, right? They're intense because of the protagonists' sufferings and character growth. So, in the same way, you could do that, too ;) Show why Yuki and the rest are blood thirsty maniacs!

E) Dialogue
The dialogues, though how the characters talked to each other were fine, but the technical issue was the problem. I know it's your first book, so I'm going to assume that you've already grown a lot as to how to write. You have to know how to write in an interesting manner. It's not enough that the dialogue's good, but the way it was presented is not. Doing the straight onward style like:

"Why Kuu of all people?"

"You already know, besides..."

"What?"

If the readers are not so engrossed with the story then they'll get lost while reading. You could improve with this:

"Why Kuu of all people?" I asked incredulously.

Kazuki shrugged. "You already know. Besides..."

"What?" I ask, frowning at him intensely.

That's a better way of writing it. It's more colorful, and vivid. It would add more interest for the readers :)

Also, PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE PUNCTUATION AND ALL. I'll give better light on this as you read on further, but you have to pay attention to those. Readers don't like bad grammar and careless typos, and I'm included.

F) Setting
The settings were a bit of a problem: I had to guess where Yuki was and how the places looked like.

I already told my previous client that I personally like vivid books. Although it is my personal preference, a lot of people also enjoy reading vividly described books. Though not all like intensively described ones, but adding some color to a bit of gray won't hurt. Since the story was written in first point of view, you could describe the places by spatial order. Adding remarks like:

DAMN IT!

People are already staring at me like I'm some supernatural being! Ugh, for God's sake, why can't I live a normal life for once?

#44. . Hisoka the magician. Ack, he's so creepy. Looking at me weirdly and licking his lips, disgusting.

Although, he seems quite interesting.

---

This is just the intro of the story, but reading this will and can immediately bore the readers. You have to add more to what is going on. DESCRIBE WHAT IS GOING ON. I honestly can imagine what's going on. But this is just me, I can't tell if the other readers' imaginations are as strong as mine, which is why detail and description is vital. It would be different if the monologue was but a swirl of emotions like the one down below, which is an excerpt from Him.

---

I believe smiles are contagious.

And I'm not the only one who believes that.

Because years after I met my first friend, I continued to smile at people. And even without saying anything, I just smile. When I make eye contact, I simply smile at the one in front of me. It eventually became a habit of mine as I matured and grew older. Then even if I'm aware that people were wary of me at school, I just smiled from habit. And before I knew it, every time I see a person and I smile, they smile back at me. Eventually as days or weeks go bye, they start greeting me:

"Hi, Rai."

I didn't know a lot of people.

But a lot of people knew me.

I knew that I was scary looking. Always so serious and quiet. The emo of the senior high school students. That girl who wears piercings and chokers and rings. The one who's so straightforward, someone who casually just points out something. A blunt person. An artist. A baker. A thinker. A Scorpio. A weirdo.

So many names.

---

The one above, its purpose is to carry on emotion not used to describe the surroundings. I would've given you an excuse if the story you've written was written in this way, but it wasn't. As a writer, you have to put effort on writing for your readings. Clearly, you were in a bit of a hurry while writing the chapters because you kept excusing yourself for your evident errors. As I mentioned before, people enjoy vivid stories. I have no problem with the number of places and their names, because, of course, they're part of the anime. You just have to describe the places more, add more scenes instead of merely putting Yuki into the storyline and saying that they went from this arena to the next. You have to add some drama (I missed to say this before) and describe even the little things relevant.

G) Technicals
The technical parts of your book are the ones with the biggest problem. You lacked commas and periods along the dialogues, the letter "i" for the personal pronouns were in lower case form. I didn't notice any typos, but the punctuations were in bad shape. Be sure to fix these parts, 'kay? Thank you, lol. The arrangement of the paragraphs were no problem, but you have to make them longer. We're not reading a script here you know. Like before, add description to your settings then they'd become longer.

Okay, to the most vital part of the story, which is the title itself, lacks relevance to the story. I already mentioned that you should add mystery and drama, so those two things you should work on the most. While reading the book, I was wondering why you named the book "Blinded" when the story didn't give any particular insight as of why. If I missed it, please comment down below so I would understand. Make sure to capture the idea of the title otherwise you'll just annoy the readers from pure curiosity.

No problem with the genre preference, so good job on that ^^ Although Blinded wouldn't make a good adventure title, but I'll leave that to you to decide.

* * * * *

Concluding remarks:
I was very happy when you told me that you were confident with your work. It shows that you have the potential to reach higher heights of literacy, so keep that in mind even though your book has a lot to be worked on. I could tell that you really wanted to write this, but you lacked ideas so you hurried in finishing it without giving much thought on the plot. With that passionate attitude of yours, I know you'd come up with something good :)

You also mentioned that you were fully aware that some things lacked because of the intense amount of time skips you made. So, after reading this, you better make up for those plot holes ;D

- R