Book name: Adopted: Book 1 Refracted Sand
Fandom: Naruto
Genre: Action, Drama
Author: OfCloves
POV: Third person view
Content: 51 chapters
Status: Ongoing

Remarks: "I feel accomplished when I write it in the present and disgusted by it later on. I guess it means I'm growing as a writer? I see the flaws in my work and I have no sufficient feedback on whether or not I'm getting better at it. I love my characters but I feel like I don't give them justice. I'm proud of how I've interwoven my story into the plot of the original although it doesn't show that well since it's not finished."

- Cloves

A) Cover - A+ (9.6)
...1) Image [ A+ ]
...2) Font [ A+ ]
...3) Color scheme [ A+]
...4) Resolution [ A+ ]
...5) Implicative Aspect [ A- ]
...6) Impact [ A- ]
...7) Meaning [ A+ ]

B) Description - A+ (9.5)
...1) Style [ A- ]
...2) Relevance [ A+ ]
...3) Mysticism [ A+ ]
...4) Neatness [ A- ]

C) Storyline - A+ (9.6)
...1) Chapter length [ A+ ]
...2) Prioritization [ A+ ]
...3) Spotlights [ A- ]
...4) Composition/Style [ A+ ]
...5) Presence of Plotline [ A+ ]
...6) Originality [ A+ ]
...7) Efficiency [ A+ ]

D) Characters - A- (9.2)
...1) Accuracy [ A- ]
...2) Description [ B+ ]
......a) Style
......b) Vividness
......c) Impact
......d) Originality (only OC characters)
...3) Presence [ A+ ]
......1) Scene distribution
......2) Contribution to story

E) Dialogue - A+ (9.6)
...1) Accuracy [ A- ]
...2) Density/Weight [ A+ ]
...3) Language [ A+ ]
...4) Richness [ A+ ]
......a) Description of actions
......b) Linear to scene
......c) Creativity
...5) Length [ A+ ]
...6) Delivery [ A+ ]
...7) Neatness [ A+ ]

F) Setting - A+ (9.5)
...1) Direction [ A+ ]
...2) Number of locations [ A+ ]
...3) Vividness [ A- ]
...4) Scenario [ A+ ]
...5) Names [ A+ ]
......a) Locations
......b) Characters
......c) Others

G) Technicals - A+ (9.6)
...1) Errors [ A- ]
......a) Grammar
......b) Punctuation
......c) Typo
...2) Arrangement [ A+ ]
...3) Encapsulation of idea [ A+ ]
...4) Mood [ A+ ]
...5) Book title [ A+ ]
...6) Genre relevance and accuracy [ A+ ]

* * * * * * * *

Verdict :
Book rating: 9.5/10.0 (A+)
Potential: 15%

* * * * * * * *

A) Cover
As simple as the cover waswith no apparent character, although I noticed a girl shattered behind thetitle, it actually impressed me. There was a depth to the cover that I can'treally understand, yet at the same time I found myself drawn to it. I couldn'teven think of a better cover for your book, which is actually good in myopinion. I liked the simple font you chose as well, very simple and the titlewas easy to read.

Good job!

B) Description
The description was extremely short, but it was really mystifying. It worked well with the story which I'll be expounding in a bit.

The moment I read the description, I was instantly drawn to the story. Though it didn't offer much, I have to say that the feels were obvious. In the sense that I could tell what you were offering to the readers. You were offering them an in-depth story that obviously had a lot of drama and mystery.

I like it.

C) Storyline
This is not the first timeI've read an anime fanfic with the OC as the sibling. But I've never read astory where I could see the character development of the OC so sad and so deep.Before that, I'll ask a couple of questions and then I'll explain a couple of other things first.

So, first, how many chapters are you planning for this book? Because I can't tell whether the story is almost finished or not. I don't want to conclude whether the story has a slow or fast pace without me knowing how long the book will be.

Second, why have you taken so long to update the book? Unless it's finished, of course, but that will leave the readers hanging because the ending wasn't dealt with properly.

Okay, so that's all the questions I have regarding the book.

First of all, great job with your story writing. It was nicely written, it had a lot of impact. I even cried when Hisoka died, I was shocked that the Sand kids were that cruel. The story development was great, too, but it revealed little about Suzume's origin.

There was a lot of drama as the story progressed and it showed the relationship that was growing between the characters. Suzume's character development was impressive, because the readers could see how she was growing accustomed to the Sand siblings and we could see the tension between the OC and the characters from the Sand Village. We could also see her development from a timid little girl to an intimidating kunoichi. I love Suzume, and I hope she finds happiness despite the struggles she had to put up with.

So far, I don't see any problem with the story. It's good, original; it's got no romance. Although I've found myself shipping Suzume and Ritsuo. I don't know why. I'm a quick shipper of characters when I sense that slight chemistry. If people complain about the length of the story, don't mind them. I hate short stories anyway. It feels rushed. You took your time with this book and I feel you 100%. All my fanfics, except for Damsel In Distress will have more than 40 chapters at least.

However, keep note that there was some extra scenes in the chapters that I find confusing? Like, I didn't really see the purpose of those scenes and they weren't properly portrayed. It's okay to keep them, but you should keep note of how they are written because they will confuse the readers.

Anyway, keep up with the good work. Consult me if you feel I missed something, or if you feel that there is something you find lacking or absent in the story :)

D) Characters
Suzume was love, I tell you. I loved the fact that she was no hothead--a lot of fanfics have hotheads for OCs, but not Suzume. She felt weak and she was no prodigy whatsoever. She was a girl hurting, and the Sand siblings were her saviors. It was an amazing story, and I loved it. Rather than having a romance, I honestly thought that it was going to be a GaaraxOC fanfic, but, boy, I was wrong. This was a fanfic of sibling love.

As I mentioned earlier on, Suzume had a good character development. I could understand why she grew cold and aloof towards her peers. They were cruel to her and it resulted to her current cold demeanor. Now, this is realistic. Instead of just a cold girl right off the bat, we could see that it wasn't a tragedy in her family that resulted the OC into a cold character, but the way others treated her. Hopefully, Suzume would find the respect she truly deserves. Although, I don't understand her relationship with the tailed-beasts.

To be honest, the Sand siblings seem nicer than they should be towards the other ninjas. But maybe that's just me. I didn't finish watching Naruto and just jumped to Naruto Shippuden. The rest of the characters were done great, no doubt. They were consistent, and I love how Baki was overprotective and how the Sand siblings cared deeply for Suzume. The relationships made me cry, especially when Suzume made an unexpected bond with Jabari despite her torn relationships with her own Village (or is Sunagakure really her village?)

E) Dialogue
There isn't any real problem with the dialogues either. They were all meaningful and were in depth. You did well in writing the dialogues because they each contained the characteristics of the characters. There's not much to say, honestly.

F) Setting
The scenery in the chapters were a little better explained, because I could at least imagine where the characters are going. The direction was fine, the number of places. I could see the characters suffering in the desert. But again like many of the authors who asked me to review their book, this part was really lacking. You lacked vividness. I guess it's my taste, especially as a visual person. If you've read my stuff, you could see that I put a lot of effort of describing the scenes.

Since you're using third POV, you should make sure to take full advantage in describing the scenario. I love the fighting scenes though. I'm sure if the book was more vivid, you'd attract more readers.

G) Technicals
There were barely any problems with this one. The only thing that you need to correct is the spelling of some of your words. The most frequently misspelled word was "sparring," which you spelled as "sparing."

And that's about it.

You did well in showing us what your story was, the mood of the story was brilliant. It was heavy, and I loved it! The book title was great, too! I couldn't think of an alternative either. But you should rewrite it as "Adopted Series Book I: Refracted Sand" instead of "Adopted: Book I Refracted Sand."

In the tag part, you should add: action, drama, and tragedy.

* * * * *

Concluding remarks:

I read your "Thank You" note that was located in the book. And I reassure you that you wrote this book brilliantly! I know you feel insecure about your book, and it's okay. It's normal, even I feel that way. There was a time when my books were on fire. Like, I had a lot of readers, and I saw a lot of reactions and praises. But after a while, those people disappeared on me one by one until I was left with ghost readers and a few people who bother to vote and comment. So imagine yourself having about six stories and you still don't get a lot of notifications pertaining to your books.

That was my life for three years, and there have been a ton of books I have put down because I was discouraged with the lack of readers. I tried hard, but I kept giving up. Now, I have four books that are ongoing. And like the others before them, I love them.

But despite the lack of attention I still feel proud of my books, and I'm going to finish them all no matter what. I'm tired of giving up on my books. This is the real injustice we give to our characters. We give our OCs injustice by halting the story they exist in. And we don't want that. We're imperfect, and we're all still growing as writers.

You should be proud of your book. Not many people write a meticulously thought out story and go far with it. Girl, you've gone as far as 51 chapters. You shouldn't give up yet. Just finish your story with pride, because you know that you did a good job. If you want some advice or someone to consult with, just pm me. I'll help you out.

Anyways, good job on a job well done!

- R