My dad nudges me to get up. I grab my phone and turn it over. It's fucking 9:30 am and man am I feeling like a brick was thrown at my head. I turn over on my side look out the window and recall the fact that I kissed a stranger, who pushed me away and slowly walked away. He left me in the middle of the dance floor. No name, no interest, and most of all making me look like a fucking idiot. Cause not only did he walk away everyone was gawking at me. Some people were whispering in friends ears and some were just laughing at me. I felt my cheeks get red and my eyes start to sting. I turn so fast away and go to look for my dad. I walk into a room where my dad is getting a lap dance from the girl from earlier. I feel my stomach turn and I throw up all over the floor. My dad gets up so fast and grabs my body.
    My dad comes out of the bathroom and comes over to sit on the bed next to me. "We should probably get you some food. Look Nubia I'm sorry that I left you and you got so sick. How much did you drink when I left you?" He says to Dad. I answer in a quiet voice because I feel ashamed that I only had three drinks and got sick. I get that I have never drank in my life but still, I should be able to handle my alcohol a little better than what I did. "I only had three dads." I pause hesitance to finish what I'm thinking and what I want to say. "Dad, why did Mom leave again and why wasn't she here? She promised no matter where she was she would have come for my 21st." He looks me in my eyes and I can see all the pain. I see that he doesn't even know how to formulate what I'm asking or even that there was a promise in the letter she left me about a year ago on our doorstep. "I'm sorry Dad, that was a bitch move on my end," I say trying to apologize before I feel worse and my heart hurts worst. "Look butterfly, I wish I could tell you what happened when she left when you were 10 and I wish I could will her to be here. I know that she had her own demons to fight. I also know that she may have been too addicted to whatever or whoever she fell in love with. I wish I could change that night she left and when she said it wasn't working out. I wish I could tell you I would beg her to stay. That we would make this work. That I would do everything possible just for her to stay even if in the end it was for you" he says all in a whisper. I know calling me Butterfly is his way of trying to ease his and my pain.
     The funny thing is my dad wanted to name me Butterfly the moment he saw me in my mom's stomach. He said I looked like a butterfly flapping my arms around her stomach. My mom said we can't name me butterfly, cause I would be made fun of for having an insect name. They looked for names for 7 months and then I arrived. It was like their souls were talking to one another. "Nubia," they both said, which meant nothing like a butterfly it meant gold because I was their most valuable treasure. My Dad said that my mother was beyond excited to see my golden skin and count all my toes and fingers. My dad used to tell me how she made all these promises to each one of them. As I stare at them as I sit on the floor of the shower I wish I knew everything she promised. I stand up and tell myself in a lil whisper voice, "I'm not a fucking weakling, I'm a boss bitch. Who cares that she isn't here? Who cares that I kissed a very, very attractive guy last night? It's my 21st birthday and I'm going to celebrate till I have to go back to college in 4 days." I turn the water to cold and let it run down as everything that I am afraid of becomes rinsed off. I am ready to change and be the best version of myself no matter if anyone wants to stay in my life or not. I am ready to face the world and be everything I want to be and god just fuck everyone else.