Chapter One       ╱           The Calm Before The Storm
[ Pre-Panic ! ]
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          They say to play the game one has to know what it's like to give up all fear. To feel no panic. It's the only rule and the only way to win. And winning is what you wanted. If you lose, you stay where losing is all you will know. If you win, you're free.

Free is all Cassandra Drew has wanted to be since she outgrew her favorite pair of Converse and realized that might not be the only thing she's outgrown. Somewhere along the way, she had outgrown her small town and the corners of it she used to spend time memorizing. Had outgrown the traces of it that held her mother and father, even years after their disappearance.

For a few years, she did everything she could to convince herself that she didn't have to be like the others. She saved half of every check she made at the post office. Aced every exam that was set in front of her. Made sure to never get in trouble with the law. Convinced herself she wouldn't need to play Panic when the time came.

And she knew she wasn't special. Knew these were all things that every kid in Carp did to convince themselves they'd be okay. But she thought she'd be different.

She should've guessed this was a common thought too.

Looking around the dozens of faces she's gone to school with since they were in diapers, she can see it in a way she hasn't before. Or maybe it's the zeros staring back at her from her once full savings account that's making her see the worst in people. The jury still seems to be out on that one.

Really, part of her has always known that nothing sets her apart from the others in this room, but she's always done a pretty good job at pretending. Pretending she's not just as selfish as Ray Hall. As scared as Bishop Moore. As cynical as Heather Nill. As secretive as Natalie Williams. As sarcastic as Alexander O'Hion. As passive as Daniel Diggins. And as she scans their faces one by one, she secretly admits to what a lie all that pretending was.

Before today, she never even allowed herself this. Always thought someone would be able to tell. Would be able to see in using the new cracks she'd just allowed. Now, she couldn't care less if someone finally realized the sunny deposition she adopted all those years ago was just her way of protecting herself. If she was going to be trapped in Carp, Texas with these people for the rest of her life, might as let them finally start to see who she really is. Who was she to hide it from them?

Halfway through the crowd and matching herself to features her classmates let define themselves, Cass' eyes fall on the one she's yet to figure out. And every day for the past year that Dodge Mason has been at their school, she's tried.

Being able to read the people around her is the one thing she's always been able to pride herself on━━━other than her neverending stash of caramels in her bag━━━until she met Dodge Mason. He moved to town with his family the year before senior year, and when he popped up on the first day, Cass had been excited. Not only was someone new a rarity in their town, but Dodge had seemed interesting.

After two weeks of trying to read him and getting nothing, she recognized him for what he actually was. A challenge.

And frustratingly enough, he still is. Even almost a year later. She tries to pretend like it doesn't bother her. Does her best to ignore him in all of his entirety after he made it perfectly clear he wasn't interested in making friends. That wasn't a hill she was willing to die on.

Getting out of this place though? That was. This is why she focuses her attention back on the stage in front of her, listening to their principal's seemingly neverending spiel so she'd be ready when her name was called. With the last name Drew and a small pool of students, she was guaranteed to be one of the first.

Just the thought of holding her diploma soon made her hands itch. She couldn't wait to have the tangible proof that she was that much closer to something. Even if college looked more like a pipe dream than ever before, she needed something to hold on to.

"And now, what you've been waiting for..."

Sitting up a little straighter in her seat, Cass smiles at the person next to her. Heather Nill smiles back, but it holds the same undertone of sadness it always has. Looking away, she does what she does best. Pretends she didn't see it.

"...the graduates."

A few names pass the principal's lips before, "Daniel Diggins," which is the one Cass was waiting for. Their entire lives she's been right behind Daniel in every line-up, and she knew that wouldn't change today. So she watches as Diggins crosses the stage, grabs his diploma, and poses for his photo, before swiftly walking off. As his foot hits the first step down, her shoulders straighten.

"Cassandra Drew."

Around her, her friends burst into claps and cheers, and she lets a real smile take over her lips for the first time in days. As gracefully as she can, she makes her way up and onto the stage, smiling at the principal as she reaches both hands out. One for the diploma, one for a handshake. Turning to the camera posed at them, she smiles when her hands connect with both objects. And then, just like that, it's over.

She's descending off the stage and the next person is being called on. Her entire high school career wrapped up in twenty seconds with only a scrap of paper and a photo she'll probably never see as proof.

Still, as she sits back down in her seat and waits for her friends to be called, she doesn't lose the smile. She listens and watches as the names that stand out to her are called, cheering louder than anyone else when it's one of her friends because fuck anyone who says anything, we're finally done with this shit.

"Dodge Mason."

"Bishop Moore."

"Heather Nill."

"Alexander O'Hion."

"Natalie Williams."

After the ceremony completes itself, she and her four friends walk out of the school arm-in-arm before they all take off to find their families. Cass watches them go with a smile, but she can't ignore the sting in her chest at the sight of it all. Involuntarily, she thinks of her brother cooped up at home and the cast wrapped around his waist and leg preventing him from being here today. Thinks of the real reason he's not here today.

Sighing, she pulls the graduation cap off her head and bends it in her hands. The chatter of excited parents and graduates surrounds her, but she's too distracted to focus on it or let herself enjoy it. There are so few times Carp, Texas shines like it does on days like today, and she hates that she's letting it be ruined by her attitude at the same time that she knows there's no helping it.

Smacking the cap on her hand, she looks away from the browning patch of grass in front of her and around for her friends. She spots Heather alone on the other side of the lawn and thinks of approaching her, but halts a few steps in when she sees the other's mom already three steps ahead.

Pivoting, she lets herself be waved over by the O'Hion family. Alexander O'Hion, their youngest, is one of her best friends, and his mother has never failed to treat her like a daughter. Even despite her not being the friend her son is dating. She's also as equally fond of the caramels that Cass keeps in her bag as Cass is.

"Cassie!" Lilia O'Hion cheers when the auburn-haired girl gets close enough to wrap her arms around. "Congratulations sweetie!"

"Thank you, Lilia." Pulling back, she reaches into her pocket and produces two small individually wrapped caramels, and presents them to Lilia. "And here's your present for getting four boys through high school. Finally" she jokes, referencing Alex being held back a year due to a failing math grade in middle school. The older woman snatches up the golden candies with a gleeful smile. Next to her, her husband chuckles as the familiar sound of a wrapper crinkling fills the space.

Wrapping an arm around his wife, Gabriel O'Hion shakes his head playfully at the girl in front of the couple. "Whatever would we do without your caramel addiction, Cassandra?"

"Go broke buying caramels for your wife yourself?" Kendall O'Hion suggests with a shrug of his shoulder, looking up from one of his phones. The eldest O'Hion boy drops a hand onto Cassandra's head, ruffling her hair like the two are truly siblings. She ducks away and swats at his hand, pouting up at him. In return, his smile is crooked and charming as ever.

She flushes just like she does anytime that smile is directed at her and next to her Alex laughs obnoxiously. Blindly, she smacks his chest lightly. "Ow!" Drama queen. She rolls her eyes.

A light shove meets her arm, and she sways. Crossing her arms, she turns a raised eyebrow at her best friend, who only shrugs sheepishly.

Soft laughter fills the air, and Cass' eyes fall on Lilia again. The petite woman is smiling at them fondly, and she shifts her feet uncomfortably. It's usually easy to forget that when Alex started dating their friend Natalie it came out that Mrs. O'Hion had apparently always thought he and Cassandra would be the two to end up together.

Moments like this made it less easy.

"Where're the twins?" She asks after a moment of stretched silence, looking around the lawn again.

"Heckling some friends of theirs, I'm sure."

William and Jude O'Hion had only graduated two years ago, so it wasn't surprising to hear they had friends in their brother's class. Plus, they'd always been the sociable types.

"How is your brother, dear?"

The question locks Cassandra's muscles, and she's glad for the quick interruption that follows. 

"Hey!" Natalie Williams, Bishop Moore, and Heather all bound up to their group with matching smiles, not a clue what question they walked upon. The former slides her arm through her boyfriend's elbow, pushing up on her toes to kiss him chastely.

In front of her eyes, Lilia's smile shifts to one of discomfort, and Cass looks away. Alexander's mom's dislike of his girlfriend wasn't new, but she knew how much it still bothered both him and Natalie. At the worst times, it even strained the relationship the two girls had because of Lilia's clear love for Cassandra. Natalie constantly asked her what she could do to make the older woman like her, but she truly didn't know what to tell her.

There were a few times when Natalie accused her of just not supporting their relationship, and each time it struck a cord in Cassandra because if there was one thing she did want it was her friends happy. And even though Natalie would always turn around and say that wasn't actually what she thought, and she was just frustrated with the situation, Cass, there's only so many times it can be said before she has no choice but to believe it.

"Were you guys ready?" Bishop directs the question toward the other graduates even as he reaches across the group to shake Gabriel's hand.

She nods, stretching her arms out to wrap Lilia in a hug once more. Eyes burn into the side of her head as she does, but she ignores them in favor of focusing on herself. "Lovely to see you."

"Oh," Lilia breathes into her ear, returning the embrace. "You too, sweetheart."

Retreating, she smiles at both Gabriel and Kendall just before Heather clasps her arm, effectively turning around. "Let's go," the blonde laughs. "And never see this place again."

Their answering agreements echoed around the trees.

THAT NIGHT, THE PARTY WAS held at Flannery Hughes' house.

Every year one of the few people who owned houses right on the edge of the lake with acres of land surrounding it were nominated to hold the annual end-of-the-year party. They were usually big enough to house everyone who graduated, as well as a few stragglers, and were far enough away that the attention of the police was never caught.

When she pulled up, Cassandra wasn't surprised to see how many people were running around. Yanking the keys out of the ignition of the red and rusted pick-up truck, she flips her phone over again only to see it as message-free as it had been when she checked at a stoplight. Frankly, it was not looking good for her when it came to finding her friends.

Having gone home after the ceremony to make sure Kevin was doing okay and taking his meds, she'd been offset the schedule the rest of her friends made up. When they asked she had waved them off and said she would meet them at the party, but now she was thinking that was a bad idea.

Grunting, she throws her weight into the driver's side door to get it open. It has a habit of sticking, and it was one of those habits she constantly told herself she'd get looked at even when she knew it was low on her list of priorities. The truck door pops open with a whoosh, and she jumps down to the soft earth.

Slamming the door closed, it isn't hard to tell which way led to the party. Those who definitely pre-gamed too hard giggle and stumble down a path on the side of the house, and Cass follows them at a slower pace. Pulling a caramel from her pocket, she absently tugs the wrapper apart.

The candies, while true that she adores them, were really more of a nervous tick. Opening them gave her hands something to do, and sometimes an empty wrapper to play with afterward. Chewing on them stopped her from biting her lip or the inside of her cheek, both of which have caused her to draw blood more times than she'd like to admit. Over the years, she found the candies made a lot of things simpler, and sweeter.

As her boots sink into the mud, Cass allows herself to take over someone else's shoes. If I was Heather, where would I go?

The answer ends up being one of the many firepits scattered around the yard, and she smiles at the sight of Heather sitting in a lawn chair in front of it. Bishop is with her, and the end of his sentence reaches her ears as she approaches them. "What are we toasting?"

"No more pre-calc," Cass teases, laughing as Bishop jumps a little in his chair. Stepping around to sit with them, she plops into a matching lawn chair that creaks ominously under her weight.

Heather smiles. "No more gym."

"Ooo," she sings, nodding her head at that. "I like that one better."

"No more gym shorts." Bishop points at Heather, face scrunching up in disgust. She nods even more vehemently.

Scooching her chair over the soggy ground, she lays her head on Heather's shoulder when close enough and sighs. The blonde hums, head dropping on hers in return.

"Oh, here it comes."

Blinking her eyes open, Cass sighs before digging around in the back pocket of her denim shorts. Fingers clasping around a dollar bill, she doesn't say anything as Ray Hill circles their trio, coming to a stand next to Bishop.

"Final collection." The fake goblet Ray's using to collect the money gets shoved against Bishop's arm roughly, and Cass eyes them warily. "Rules are rules."

His insistent shoving causes Bishop's beer to slosh over his fingers, and the auburn-haired girl rolls her eyes. Ray's always been a dick, and as their year to play Panic approached, it got worse tenfold. Usually, and not-so-proudly, Cass chooses to sit back and let Ray do whatever it is he chooses to do, but it's harder when it's happening right in front of her face━━━and to her friend, nonetheless.

Offering the dollar in her fingers forward, she gives the bully a tight-lipped smile. "Here, Ray."

She imagines his eyes shifting to her behind his sunglasses. They don't hide the way the redneck raises an eyebrow. "You playing, Drew?" Before he's even finished his sentence, he's letting out a disbelieving laugh. "Didn't think we'd see you up on the list."

She doesn't bother to correct him as he snatches the green paper from her.

"Besides," he looks back to Bishop, "doesn't matter. Your dollar doesn't replace his." The new addition bends to their level. "Final collection," he repeats.

"I'm not gonna play."

It's been common knowledge all year Bishop wasn't going to play Panic. Of course, he'd pay his daily due every morning like the rest, but rules said he didn't need to pay final collection if he wasn't playing.

Ray of course, never was one for the rules.

"We're all playing, fucker."

Cass straightens in her chair, head popping off her friend's shoulder as she shot foward a little.

"Ray," Heather warns next to her, doing the same.

"One way or another. A dollar buys you a prayer."

When he pulls on Bishop's arm again, her, "Ray," overlaps with the "Ray, stop," that comes from next to her. She has half the urge to tell Heather to throw her beer at the asshole.

"You want your money," Bishop breathes harshly. "I'm gonna need my arm back."

A beat passes before Ray releases his arm. It's only after the fact that he laughs and hits Bishop's chest━━━like they're buddies. "I'm just fucking with you." He raises from his squatted postion, slapping Bishop around lightly. "Oh, Bishop."

Cass really does roll her eyes then, falling back into her chair for the umpteenth time. Asshole.

"Why'd you pay that asshole?" Bishop grunts, shaking his arm out harshly and turning his body back toward the two girls.

Shrugging, she sits back in her chair again, taking Heather's cup from her when it's offered. Sipping the lukewarm beer, she grimaces as the taste mixes with the leftover caramel on her tongue. "Not sure if I'm playing or not."

"What?"

Turning, she's greeted with both Natalie and Alex. The former of which whom looks like she's just been slapped.

When Cass told the group about her brother's accident and the resulting medical bills a few days ago, Natalie had playfully returned that Panic was always still an option. When all she had said in reply had been a stoic 'I know', Bishop had to quickly change the subject.

Because the truth was, she did know. She knew the opportunity to play Panic was right there and hers for the taking, and she also knew that she hadn't been able to stop thinking about it.

But she also knew that for all Natalie talked about them doing Panic, she didn't actually seem to want any of them to. Anytime any of them so much as tossed out the idea she'd clam up and become frosty. To Cass, it didn't seem like she wanted the competition. Coupled with prior knowledge, the theory made sense. Natalie never did well if it meant one of her friends succeeded over her.

"Yeah." She smiles at Natalie, pretending like she doesn't see the flicker of ice in her eyes. "Haven't decided if I'm gonna let you be the only one to have all the fun."

It's a 50/50 shot if the teasing will knock Natalie out of whatever mood the previous comment put her in, and she lets out a silent sigh of relief when it seems to work. The dark-haired girl blinks, a smile streching across her lips like nothing happened.

"Knew one of you would give in eventually."

Alex sits in the last empty seat, pulling his girlfriend into his lap after him. "We toasted yet?" He holds up his red solo cup.

"I still don't have a drink." Heather had taken hers back at some point without her even realizing. She throws her hands up and looks down at the ground. Picking up one of the many empty cups scattered around, she presents it triumphantly. "Okay. Ready."

The other four laugh at her, and she smiles cheekily.

"Okay, okay, I got one. Ready?" Natalie hands Alex her Coke can, reaching for her handbag. From it, she produces her diploma. Cass quirks her head. "Uh."

"You-you brought your diploma?"

Chuckling into her empty hand, the brown-eyed girl shakes her head at her friend. It's admittedly a very Natalie move, but it was also very questionable.

"Weird move," Heather agrees.

Natalie ignores them, unfolding the diploma and presenting it to them all. She even turns so Alex can see it. "Ta-da!"

"Mhmm." Humming, she opens her mouth to ask what the toast was, only for it to stay open as Natalie through the arguably important piece of paper into the fire in front of them. "Oh!"

"What are you doing?"

"Babe," Alex groans, dropping his forehead onto his girlfriend's shoulder.

Laughing, she pulls her hands away from the flames and laughs a little. "See? It's toast."

Unable to help it, her foreheard drops into the palm of her hand. While it might not be the most important piece of paper, burning like it was nothing was fucking ridiculous. For what? To prove something?

"Natalie..."

"What? It doesn't matter because I'm gonna win Panic." Singing the last part, she leans over and pokes both Cassandra and Heather. Lifting her head, she shakes at her friend exasperatedly.

"Oh, I love this song!" Clapping, Natalie pulls herself and Alex back out of the chair they just sat in. "Come on."

Alex smiles indulgingly, wrapping an arm around her waist as Natalie waves at the rest of them. "Guys, get up."

"I'm okay," she says, trying her best to sound a little regretful. Dancing with Natalie and her boyfriend didn't necessarily sound like a good time, no matter if they were two of her best friends or not.

"Oh, come on," Alex goads when Heather refuses as well. She waves her hands like a cross in front of her and shares a look with Heather, but they both know they've lost when Bishop stands as well. Someone grabs a hand each, and then all five are crossing the yard to the makeshift dance floor near the house.

Shaking her shoulders, she laughs and lets herself relax for a moment. She hasn't been able to do that since her brother's accident, and even she could admit it felt nice.

Until, of course, Tyler Young sets off a firework only a few feet away. All around the yard several people jump, Cassandra herself one of them. As her heart hammers she pushes a hand against her chest, like that'll be able to slow it down.

"Jesus, what the hell, dude?!"

Tyler flicks a lighter, approaching Diggins. "I'm sorry, man, my hand slipped."

The two bicker for a moment, interrupted by Ray━━━because where Tyler is, Ray is sure to be close behind. He grabs Diggins around the shoulders, shaking him. Cassandra briefly hears the word judgment and feels pieces slot into place.

This year, Diggins was gifted the job of emcee for Panic, and ever since, everyone's been up his ass about word from the judges. All of whom were anonymous, and the second biggest secret kept by the school. It's easy to guess the first.

Looking away from Ray's antics, Cassandra tries to force herself to relax and enjoy the music again. But it's futile, and she suddenly feels like screaming. So much for letting herself relax.

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🧨 :: nobody understands how excited i am for this fic like my fingers are itching to write it

🧨 :: just a lot of establishing the environment and cass' place in it this chapter, but i love it

🧨 :: i can't really predict how long this is going to be, as the show is only ten episodes, but i do plan to put as much into it as i can so