n. to find yourself bothered by someone's death more than you would have expected, as if you assumed they would always be part of the landscape, like a lighthouse you could pass by for years until the night it suddenly goes dark, leaving you with one less landmark to navigate by—still able to find your bearings, but feeling all that much more adrift.

* * *

I couldn't sleep that night. Edgy with the knowledge that a battle between Goyo and a few of his soldiers at Tirad will be against to how many American soldiers are currently camping at the foot of Mount Tirad now. The knowledge that they'll be very outnumbered, despite having the high ground, makes survival impossible. And then, I remember that time that I've found a book about Goyo's life and death in Gregory's possession. I just didn't know back then that this is how it is going to end; and how dejected the situation is. And the knowledge still surprise me that at his death, the game is also to end.

Keeping my shawl to keep me warm in the cold December breeze, I head out of the hut to sit at the bench just next to it. My eyes will wander on to the direction that the soldiers had trailed on to reach the trenches they've made at Tirad. And my wild thoughts give me an idea to head there. But I know that I will not be able to do so: I've decided to stay. Because Goyo also asked me, even without saying it out loud, for me to stay here.

"Hmm? Binibining (Y/N)?"

I turn to the direction of the voice, seeing Doctor Simeon Villa with a small smile. I smile in return. "Magandang gabi, Doktor Villa."

"Hirap po makatulog?" he asks me.

I nod a little, drawing my shawl closer around me.

"Siguro po ay nangangamba po kayo sa magiging kahihinatnan ng laban, ano po? Lalo na't mapanganib ang naghihintay po kala Heneral."

"Iba ang pakiramdam ko kumpara noong mga nakaraan na labanan." I instinctly touch my neck, remembering that I've already returned the necklace given to me by Goyo before, and I smile in remembering that at least, the anting-anting he'd given me is now back to protect him, if ever. "Hindi ko magawang maipaliwanag."

"Hindi niyo po kailangan magpaliwanag sa akin, Binibini. Itong mga nakaraang linggo, napansin ko po na talagang malapit po kayo sa Heneral. Naging usap-usapan din po ng mga sundalo ni Heneral Goyo na kahit noong nasa Dagupan pa lamang po ay talagang magaan na ang loob niyo sa isa't isa. Pero, ang ipinagtataka ko lang po, kung hindi niyo mamasamain... maging ang pagtataka ng mga sundalo, may liniligawan daw po ang Heneral sa Dagupan?"

"A-Ah..." I blush. "W-Wala namang namamagitan sa aming dalawa. Kaya..." I sigh. "Nakakahiya na kami ang pinaguusapan ng mga sundalo."

He bites back a chuckle. "Subalit, kung ako po ang tatanungin? Sa tagal ng pagsasama niyo ni Heneral, at kung sadyang kaibigan ang turingan niyo sa isa't isa... mukhang naglolokohan lang po tayo dahil sa mga kinikilos po ni Heneral? Mukhang mas may malalim na ugnayan pa."

I smile softly, looking at him. "Maraming salamat, Doktor Villa. Naiintindihan ko. At... naintindihan ko na rin kung ano ang nais niya talaga iparating. Ang masasabi ko lamang... kung totoo man o hindi, may mas matimbang sa puso niya."

Doctor Villa blinks and looks at me, a little bit confused with my words, and I shake my head to give closure to the topic.

The two of us hear the door of the hut creek open, and exiting is none other than but the President himself with a mug on one hand. It is Doctor Villa who immediately asks him, no formalities said, "Hindi rin po kayo makatulog?"

I didn't hear President Aguinaldo's response, but the silence that followed us is enough as we wait for the morning sky.

And some news from the Pass.

# # #

The majority is still asleep the moment I woke up. Surprisingly, it had been a peaceful night. I watch the bonfire we've set only emitting a small flurry of dust and smoke now, the fire gone and the coldness of the morning seeps through our clothes. There's still about an hour before sunrise, but I can already hear some rustle from outside the cave that incites movements of the other soldiers preparing for today. The early breakfast, the securing of the armaments and being in position if ever a battle is to start earlier than we've expected.

Last night, I and Enteng both predicted that the battle will somehow start at about seven in the morning. Enough for the American soldiers to already make the first hour trek. By that time, we're already in position to start taunting them. And everything that is going to happen next will be a matter of survival.

Before heading out to inspect the soldiers and have at least a few meal for breakfast, I take my journal and write what could be my last entry. And compared to my previous entries, this one had flowed so well and short, direct to the point with no prejudice and secret left. After ensuring the rest of my things are safely stored in my satchel, I take the necklace with one of my previous rings that I've given to Pendejo at that time during the battle of Quingua. Remembering her words make me smile and it pricks my heart how she can easily be swayed with words that it is meant to be an anting-anting. Shaking my head a little, with a foolish smile, I place it inside as well.

The others slowly wake up one after another. And before we all know it, we're already in position. The first trench is to be commanded by Lieutenant Garcia. They are also to do with the intimidating as the first trench also serves as a visible outpost from below. The second, where I, Juan and Enteng will be, is a little hidden; until the point that they've made a few yards up. The third and last is at the very top, guarded by Isidro, Jose and Lieuntenant Carrasco. One will need to past through each trench first before making it to another as the only way to close such distance is through a lone dirt road.

I remember the last sentence I've written on my journal. Walang sakripisyong masiyadong malabis.

The first shot done by the first trench alerted us from the second trench. American soldiers immediately scrambled for safety and noted the presences of trenches. A white flag is waved from their position about some minutes after the first gunfire just about seven in the morning, if my reading of time had been correct. We wave a red flag in response that we've received the message.

"Nakaabante ng kaunti ang mga Amerikano," Juan reports. "Pero nahirapan pa rin sila makatawid."

"Padala ka ng limang sundalo kay Garcia," I tell him.

He then turns to the others with us. "Oy! Lima daw. Lima papunta kay Garcia."

Enteng immediately taps me by the shoulder, alerting me right away as he points a finger at the direction of the American soldiers. It appears that they are trying to push through another time.

"Guerrero," I call for one of the soldiers.

Holding a trumpet with him, he moves to meet me. "Heneral."

The very second that the American returns to their march, it had been visible that they are showing their might. That they are trying to find a way in closing around us. Their shouts are the first ones we've heard, then their gunfire. Exchanged gunshot between them and us follow for minutes, just as Guerrero plays his trumpet to gain the morale of the soldiers. Attacking this time to surprise the Americans with our strategic position, guaranteeing that we have the best view of their movements from our locations, they end up halting their drive another time. At the same time showing to them that there's another trench for them to watch out for if they really wanted to trail the way up.

I raise a hand, stopping the sounds of gunfire and Guerrero's trumpet. The thought of the Americans stopping to try thinking of another way to gain the upperhand against us brings a light chuckle within me. Morale is what soldiers always needed, and despite the quivering fear within me, I need to be that voice of confidence. I shout in hopeful relief, "Mabuhay ang Republika!"

"Mabuhay! Mabuhay! Mabuhay!" For a minute, we've been surrounded by chants to boost ourselves away from the dread. We even hear the echo of such chant from the other trenches. Despite how charming to hear it, it doesn't change the fact of what we all stand for right now.

Walang sakripisyong masiyadong malabis.

"Umaatras na sila." Juan seems to breathe in a sigh.

"Hindi pa," Enteng counters. "Mukhang nag-iba lang sila ng diskarte."

I chew the inside of my mouth for a second and answers, "Subukan lang nila."

"Ano kayang binabalak nila?"

"Hindi ko alam. Pero pagsapit ng tanghali, manghihina na yang mga iyan. Hindi sila sanay sa klima natin." I sigh and move away from the trench, cocking my rifle on my hands as I trail the way to where the red flag is. "Akyat muna tayo," I tell Enteng and then to Guerrero. "Sumama ka."

Somehow, the silence after the gunfire had been deafening. Minutes passed, as we trail the way to reach the third trench with no indication of crossfire. Exhaustion seems to settle onto my shoulders again but fight it off knowing that slacking now will be no good.

"Matatag ang mga trentsera," Enteng comments out of the blue.

I don't know how to answer to that. "Salamat."

"Hindi naman siguro tayo aabutin dito ng Pasko, ano?" He scoffs. "Kating-kati na ako umuwi ng Bulacan."

I shakily and lightly laughs at that.

"Bakit?"

There are too many words I want to tell him. Apologies for all my flaws, gratitude for being always there when I needed support, and for him to understand that going home for me seems impossible, but his... it will be probable, no, it better be possible.

Walang sakripisyong masiyadong malabis.

I turn to him, stopping for a second on our trail. "Kapag nagkita kayo ni Julian..."

But just like that, the momentary silence that we thought catches with us. And surprisingly, it isn't coming from down below. Not from the first and second trench but from ahead and above us. From the final trench.

I see the soldiers positioning themselves from the other side of the trench. At that, we've taken the alternate and rough way up, already hinting the reality that the Americans made a way around and are now starting to attack and close in from behind us.

The moment we make it, the gunfire is much louder. There's crossfire, and corpses lying on the ground in the sudden attack. The echo of bullets sizzling can also be heard from below and behind us. With the Americans gaining the advantage to attack this way, they're surely purging on to continue their pursuit. And we'll be surrounded on both ends, and then...

Walang sakripisyong masiyadong malabis. Walang sakripisyong masiyadong malabis. Walang sakripisyong masiyadong malabis.

"Tuloy ang laban!" I command to the remaining soldiers while keeping my head low. "Wag matakot!" The moment I find a position in the middle of the trench, just beside Carrasco and Enteng, Isidro and Jose on either sides of them, respectively, I ask, "Ilan sila?"

"Hindi namin mabilang," Enteng replies, shuddering. Fear ebbing on his voice right now compared to earlier. "Nakatago sila sa may tuktok."

The loud exchange of sizzling bullet, in other time, will make me fear it as well. Fear for my life. However, this time, there's no tremor left. The anxiety I have is much more due to the knowledge that no survivor will be left. Cruel as it seems, it is what worries me much more.

"Goyong, wala na ang unang trentsera," he remarks another time. "Sila Juan na lang ang natitira sa pangalawa. Nauubos na tayo."

I bite my lower lip for a second, holding my rifle in one hand as I slowly move away from the safety of our own trench to draw closer to the edge in order to see the situation from our position. However, the volley of bullets make me crouch low and be pulled by both Enteng and Carrasco back closer to them.

"Yuko, yuko!" Enteng reminds.

I breathe in heavily, leaning against the trench, and laughs lightly. I don't know from where I've managed to grab such laugh, but there it is still. In the end, I look on at them and ask, "Kaya mo pa?"

Enteng seems to share a look with the others and then to me. Exhaustion settles onto his face but he manages to speak in answer, "Oo naman."

I sigh another time and turn to Carrasco, calling for his name.

"Sí, Heneral," he replies back.

"Titignan ko lang kung gaano pa karami ang mga Amerikano sa ibaba," I tell the others, and they didn't object to that. "Guerrero, sumama ka."

All the while that the gunfire seems to be not in its most heated moment, the three of us manage to make it away from the shooting sight, heading to where the trenches are a little farther and where we keep our horses tied to a barren tree.

I turn to Carrasco and ask for him to keep watch and take my rifle as I draw closer to do the checking of the current situation from a vantage point. The two allow me some sort of privacy at that, and I look on, seeing the American forces drawing closer and closer. Our small force slowly dispersing as if they can escape the sizzling bullets of the enemies, or even continue fighting in vain despite the unjust proportion of our strength and theirs.

It could be easy to turn away since the start, but the pride within me seems to push me to continue on with such a suicidal plan as this. Some sort of self-confidence that it is better to die as a freeman fighting for the country than to just give up in the rule of another. But isn't it foolish sometimes? Especially when you've reached the point, finally admitting the truth to yourself, that there's no other way but to accept defeat? Perhaps, if I didn't thought of this plan... no, perhaps ever since that time that I am starting to take pride of what I am and my importance to the governing body than to be ashamed of it. Than to seek the agreement of my beloved country in fighting for what is right than be delusional of earthly things. Perhaps, if I've been different since then, it could all have ended differently. Will it?

Kapag bumagsak si Aguinaldo, may panibagong titinding. It all seems wrong to consider how late it had been for me to understand the depth of such words. If only, my principles remained in the service of the country than to the gain of President Aguinaldo... it could've not lead to this. But, is now the right time to have such thoughts, now that the future, for me, at least, is already foreordained?

Walang sakripisyong masiyadong malabis.

Alam kong mas may matimbang sa puso mo. Alam ko na hanggang dulo, ipaglalaban mo siya. When did such a foolish woman as her suddenly become so wise? Perhaps, she'd been learning and had continued straightforward with her ideals compared to me who've lost sight of that warmth. Perhaps, it is wrong to consider her Pendejo, when all along, it had been me.

Ang kinakatakot mo ay ang hindi na siya muling maipagtanggol pagkatapos nito.

Perhaps, maybe that's the reason that we have only one life to repent for our previous sins and make amends at death. Perhaps, it is all that.

Walang sakripisyong masiyadong malabis.

"Heneral!" I hear Carrasco calling for me from afar.

I break from my thoughts and turn to him, nodding. Before heading back to them, I look up at the sky once more, whispering then to the wind, "Terminémoslo." I can't help breaking into a small smile. "(Y/N)."

# # #

My fidgeting escalates at about ten in the morning. Some nudge to my soul seems to twist into a tight knot, but since yesterday afternoon, we still have no news of what is going on at Tirad Pass. I keep myself inside the hut, keeping my legs close to my chest as I pray over and over for his safety, despite already knowing that only a miracle will save him now.

By noon, I hear the gathered soldiers outside murmuring among themselves. Despite having the urge to see the commotion, I remain still. And wait. And silence. And then crying among the women, especially from Felicidad's already familiar voice to me.

I shudder, taking a shaky breath as I finally realize the truth. All alone, I cry... for the life that was always meant for goodness though slowly shrouded in the darkness.

* * *

A/N: See and read the follow-up chapter, which is an A/N for the reason of DR being DR. Follow me on twitter @23meraki for more updates. ;) And sorry if my twitter feed is flood by me speaking out for what is going on in our country now. It is saddening that we're seeing history unfold in front of our very eyes for another time.

FLIGHT PLAN din po pala! Endorse ko ulit. 🥺

#GoyoDeadReckoning || #GoyoAngBatangHeneralStories || #ProjectAguilaStories