n. the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.

* * *

One evening after days of creating the trenches at Tirad, after dinner, along with the rest of the townspeople and the soldiers, we've gathered around a pit of a bonfire. We've been invited by the mayor himself to watch the show that the Aetas are to perform. With the mayor, seated next to him had been President Aguinaldo himself, then Goyo, me, Enteng and the President's wife and sister. The rest goes on for the other soldiers and townspeople present. Most of them had been standing behind to watch the performance, for those who aren't able to sit among the inner cirle. But, also, there are others who aren't around as they continue on with their patrol of the area.

As the performance continues on, both I and Goyo hear the mayor when he says to the President, "Maraming salamat sa inyong pagpapaunlak sa munting palabas ng mga kapitbahay namin."

President Aguinaldo keeps his eyes watching the performance as he whispers back, "Mabuti naman at nagkakasundo kayo dito."

During my time in Dagupan, I've noticed how the soldiers mock the natives all the time. Not to mention how they criticize them and order them to return back to their lands. For me, this is some sort of discrimination. I just didn't thought that the discrimination will be this much and had been going on even during these times.

"May kanya-kanyang away ang mga tribo dito," the mayor explains. "Nagkakasundo lamang kami dahil tinutulungan namin sila sa pagsalakay nila."

A few seconds later, as the performance continues, one from the performers unveil an almost shrunken head, beheaded, as it is placed close to the bonfire as they continue.

My first instinct is to shy away, not being able to take in the sight. My hands shot up to cover my eyes, afraid.

I know that Goyo had seen my reaction, but he didn't comment about it. Due to that, I slowly peek through my fingers to look at him, avoiding the view of the performance.

And when I do so, I realize that his eyes are intently focused onto the view of the head itself and the fire. Some unexplained expression he has now as if there are things that are currently troubling his mind and seeing it will remove all of it.

I didn't ask him what could be troubling him, even when the performance ends. I just follow after him to the hut provided to us. I am to share a room with him and Enteng this time, even though the townspeople first insisted that I am to stay with the other women, Goyo remarked, as always that I stay with him; and no other questions are asked after that.

Sleep didn't visit me right away. Everytime I turn here and there, I can't forget the sight of the head itself. And the stillness of the night seems strange, not having the need to make a tent and sleep, and pack everything up the next morning. Perhaps, the plan that Goyo had proposed is originally the one that is keeping me awake even at this time.

A few hours later, Goyo immediately awakes. He whispers, "Ano yun? Parang may bumagsak." Then turns to Enteng, sleeping on a hammock in the room, waking for a second at Goyo's question before returning to sleep. He also looks at me and notices that I am staring at him intently. A few seconds passed before he sighs heavily and moves away from the bed as he takes a peak at the nearby window, and draws closer to the doorway to the other room to check for the President, his wife and his sister, surely still sound asleep. He again looks at me, knowing that I am watching his movements, inclines his head to the direction of the other room. It is as if he realizes that no one from us will be able to be catching any more sleep, like those times that we've been in Dagupan.

I didn't hesitate to follow after him a minute later, take my shawl and surround it around my frame. In silence, the two of us move out of the room.

# # #

He lights up a gas lamp, placing it just by the desk. He had recovered his satchel, removing every item inside to inspect them one by one. He also has his medallions and pins with him, and with a clean cloth dipped in few oil, he cleans every one meticulously.

Keeping a tight hold of my shawl around my frame, I decide to break the silence that settled between the two of us. I say, watching him, "Alagang-alaga mo lahat ng gamit mo, ano?"

He bites back a chuckle. "Para kapag natalo kami laban sa mga Amerikano, makintab nilang makukuha ang mga ito."

"Hmm... bakit parang ang negatibo mo naman bigla mag-isip? Nasaan ang tinatawag mong kumpyansa?"

"Ito naman. Hindi mabiro. Ginagawa ko lang ito dahil ito ang mga bagay na masasabi kong ipinagmamalaki ko." He lowers his eyes for a second, as well as his voice. "Pero, sa isang banda, hindi ko rin masasabi na ganoon ang nararamdaman ko."

I bite my lower lip and nod. A second later, I remember the ring he had given me that remains in its chain and looped around my neck. I make an intention to remove it and hand it back to him. But before I can even speak or say something, he shakes his head, already realizing what I am to do.

"Sa iyo na iyan," he says as he slowly turns away, heading closer to a dirty mirror hanging by the corner of the room. "Binigay ko sa yo bilang anting-anting na mapanatili ka niyang ligtas."

"Singsing? Bilang anting-anting?" I laugh lightly. "Kakaiba para sa isang anting-anting. Pero..." I still unclasp the necklace around my neck and stand from where I've been sitting before drawing closer to him. "Dahil hindi naman ako kasama sa Tirad, mas kailangan mo ang anting-anting na ito, kung ganoon." I reach out for his freehand as he turns to look at me in question. I place the necklace with the ring on his palm, slowly closing his hand. "Para protektahan ka din nito."

He raises an eyebrow at me. "Madami na akong singsing. Hindi ba halata na kulang na lang ay lahat na ng daliri ko ay mayroong isa?"

"At nagmumukha ka ngang gangster dahil diyan." I give him a pointed look.

"Gangster?"

"Yung parang mayabang. Pakiramdam sikat. Feeling gwapo. Mapang-asar, ganoon."

"Sinasabi mo bang ganoon ako?"

I scoff. "Sinabi ko lang na nagmumukha kang gangster dahil sa dami ng mga singsing na mayroon ka. Madalas ganyan ang mga gangster eh. Tapos may nakabandana. Yung may nakataling panyo sa ulo. Tapos may dalang skateboard."

"Skateboard?" He looks confused with the terms I've been saying, a hint of a smile appearing at the corner of his lips.

I shake my head. "Ah, basta. Sa iyo na iyang singsing. Anting-anting para maging ligtas ka. Nailigtas na ako nito sa mga pagsubok na dapat kong malagpasan. Ikaw, susugod pa patungo sa isa sa mga imposibleng misyon. Kaya talagang kailangan mo niyan."

"(Y/N)," he mumbles, looking at me intently.

"Hmm?"

"Natatakot ako."

I chuckle a little, breathing in shakily as I do so. I reach out to scruffle his bed hair that had been unkempt. I gulp in hard, the words I want to say almost pricking my eyes and my heart. "A-Ayos lang iyon. Normal lang makaramdam ng ganyan."

"(Y/N)..." He sighs heavily. "Hindi mo naiintindihan."

I nod. "Naiintindihan ko. 'Wag ka mag-alala." I look away for a second before looking back at him, thankful that I have my back against the fire that surely obscures my face in shadows and his to be very well in the light for my view. "Alam kong madami ka pang pangarap. Na madaming...Na madami kaming maghihintay sa iyo, para malaman ang magiging kahihinatnan sa Pasong Tirad. Si Julian, yung mga kaibigan at pamilya mo sa Bulacan." I bite my lower lip for a second before continuing. "Si Remedios."

When I mention the name, Goyo frowns slightly.

"Sigurado naman sasagutin ka na niya. Ba naman, ang tagal mo na rin siyang linigawan, di ba? Ilang buwan tayo sa Dagupan at wala man siyang sagot sa tagal ng pangliligaw mo. At pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari sa paglalakbay na ito? Hay. Bakit pa siya maghahanap ng lalaking sineryoso siya sa simula pa lamang." I raise an eyebrow at him this time, biting back my shiver. "Naging seryoso ka talaga sa kanya, di ba?"

Goyo presses his lips into a grim line before he sighs heavily and the frown he has deepens. "(Y/N)... hindi mo talaga naiintindihan."

"Anong mahirap intindihin, Goyo? Alam nating lahat, sa simula pa lang ng binabalak mo, na himala na lamang na lahat kayo makakabalik ng buhay. Lalong-lalo na ikaw. Ikaw ang heneral nila. Simula pa lamang sa Kakarong, alam kong mas may matimbang sa puso mo. Alam ko na hanggang dulo, ipaglalaban mo siya. At hanga ako sa pagmamahal mong iyan. Pero, sa kabila ng lahat, alam ko ang ugat ng takot mo. Alam kong nais mo pang mabuhay. May tao bang hindi? Pero, alam ko iyang nais na iyan ay hindi lamang para sa sarili. Kung ikaw ma'y bumalik ng buhay, magpatuloy na mabuhay; sa panahon na kinailangan ka ulit niya, babalik at babalik ka. Kaya alam ko na hindi takot mamatay para sa kanya ang nararamdaman mo." I gulp in hard, feeling the heavy feeling within me starting to form a lump in my throat. "Ang kinakatakot mo... ay ang hindi na siya muling maipagtanggol pagkatapos nito."

I notice his grip around the necklace and ring tightens. Before I can even take his hand to mine in order to calm him down, he immediately surrounds his arms around me, catching me off guard. He whispers by my ear, his voice thick with unshed tears and with gratitude, "Baka hindi ko na magawang sabihin sa iyo bukas dahil baka mahimbing muli ang tulog mo sa panahong umalis kami, pero..." He sighs heavily. "Maraming salamat sa lahat-lahat, (Y/N)."

I smile softly, letting a tear fall from my eye. I surround my arms around him and take a shaky breathe, stopping him. "W-Wala kang dapat ipagpasalamat sa akin, Goyo."

"Ako ba dapat ang pinasasalamatan mo?" He chuckles lightly, and so do I; but even so, my tears keep falling. "Pero sa totoo... masaya akong makilala ka sa buhay kong ito. Kaya... nagpapasalamat ako doon, (Y/N)."

We stayed that way for a long moment, in silence. Afterwards, we pull away from one another and decide to grab some sleep for the remaining few hours before dawn. In the end, we end up sleeping side by side. And compared to the times in Dagupan that we're separated by that wooden wall and during the times at our shared tent that we're sleeping as far away from each other, this time, he has his arms around me as his fingers weave through my hair.

No matter how foolish it seems, I've prayed that even on this game alone, I have the power to change history.

* * *

A/N: If there is a scene or chapter that truly brought me to tears, it is this. And also one latter chapter that I'll surely hint on. Sana may tissue sa tabi niyo while reading. I've finished proofreading (somehow) the upcoming chapters three days ago and will be focusing on my story, FLIGHT PLAN.

Can you imagine it? Five chapters na lang ang DR, and 9K reads na siya. Trolololo~ Not hoping much but on its long run, almost 10K reads na. Lab lab you all!

Oh! And I'll be updating on the following days for the last five chapters: Thursday (Chapter 42), Saturday (Chapter 43), Monday (Chapter 44), Wednesday (Chapter 45 & 46)! It is in celebration for the one year anniversary of my first solo flight.

So it will be a good anniversary gift for me din if you'll also support Flight Plan kapag natapos na yung DR. It is loosely based sa experiences ko during flight training and I want to share it to you na hindi lang puro chill, malaki sweldo (dahil lahat ng stories about pilots eh ganoon, pero di nababanggit yung underside. Men, we are the ones very wrongly interpreted by people. Well, pilots are only known by pilots.), and of course, yung angas na naka-uniform. Want it to be an eye-opener din sa culture na ininstill sa mga pilots na ganito-ganyan (even Flight Attendants don't know the truth, believe me! Mas magandang marinig sa piloto talaga, di ba?). And also, it is a story that is really close to my heart (dahil nga loosely based sa experience ko). Spreading lab for my endorsement na try niyo rin basahin ang FLIGHT PLAN!

Follow me on twitter @23meraki for more updates. ;)

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