"DON'T YOU understand?"

Silence.

"Don't you fucking understand? We were supposed to die to this song." I clasp my skull and try to crush it as I slowly fall onto the cold seat of my chair. My crooked fingers, entangled in the hay-like strands of my hair, cover my face; the split ends sting my eyes, I close them.

"We were supposed to die together when time was due," I whisper, "but you fucked it all up. Please, I did nothing wrong, I just don't want to die... alone. I swear we could've fallen in love and gotten married, you should've just appreciated the letters I sent you, or the rabbit I gifted you for Valentine. You said you liked rabbits, so I bought you one. I even took a course in taxidermy for it, so you could cherish the little shit forever. Why didn't you like it? Why didn't you? Why did you look so disgusted when you opened the box? Why did you scream? Is it... that you don't like me? No, you do like me. You do, you do, you do, you do!"

My lips crack open as I force a smile. "After everything I've done to make you happy, you must!"

My joints scream when I grab the lighter from my desk and sit straight up. Mom told me not to play with fire, but she's gone now, so it should be fine. I flick the wheel; the sparks shoot up from the lighter and turn into a small flames. My hair has become so long that it dangerously dangles around the fire.

I look up at my wall. Your beautiful face greets me. If only it did when I shot the photo; instead, the camera captured your smile directed at your friends. But I don't mind, our love is different.

Next to that picture is my favourite of yours: the photo of you in your room, when you were putting on your pink, satin pyjamas back on that cold day in October. Your nipples were all stiff from the cold and were visible through the soft fabric. I had forgotten to properly close the window when I left, so you did it for me. It was so sweet.

Sweet, a word that reminds me of the other female figure I have, or rather, had in my life. When I found mom in the bathtub, I realised that the love the world had for me drowned as well. But on the 7th of January, 2019 at 8:30 in the morning, the first day after the holidays, you were the only one that came up to me to give me your condolences. It made me see that the love was not completely lost. You looked so beautiful, with so much sympathy in your eyes, and you smelled so, so nice. It was as if spring had arrived in the form of a human being, and that manifestation of new beginnings was you.

At that moment, I knew we were meant to be together, forever. I couldn't just leave you after that, and watched you during lunch time, followed you home from school, even though you live on the other side of town. I gave you my everything, worked a minimum wage job every day so I could buy you chocolates, flowers, perfumes, everything. When there was no space under your bed anymore, because you bought a new box for your sport gear, I had a part of you with me to fall asleep to in the form of your clothes. It was a necessary evil to take them, I had promised myself to give them back to you but now that you ruined us, I don't know if I will.

My room became your shrine, and yet you never did that for me. Mom told me to admire the things we loved, that's why she always touched me. She also told me that love hurts, and while she usually expressed her love physically, you expressed it emotionally.

First, I didn't understand, how stupid of me, but then one day I did: your neglect towards me was your form love. You did love me.

I tried to reciprocate your love. For some reason, even though I tried to ignore you as much as you did me, I couldn't resist, I suppose everyone's love language is unique. I remember Mrs. Hopkins talking about that in class. You didn't pay attention to her, and neither did I because you were there, giggling with your friends. For a brief moment, we made eye contact, but you immediately averted your gaze and that left me hollow.

I smile at the thought of our shared moment, my heart flutters in my chest. I grab it with both hands and feel my ribcage through my sweater. My body starts floating around the room at the thought of you. I swoon. My eyes close and I tilt my head towards the mouldy ceiling as I slow dance to the memories I have of you. Remember when you told me you hated me? That hurt so much, even more than when mom poured her tea over my shirt and ripped said shirt off of my body. And I love that your words nearly killed me, because it means that you love me more than mom, and I feel the same way about you.

So how come you rejected me for the thirteenth time? Why did you threaten to call the cops on me? Isn't it our love? Why would you let anyone join our team? We're stronger just the two of us, you know that.

My hands ball into fists as my arms slide from my neck to the side of my body, I growl. I feel betrayed. My pale knuckles hit the mirror on the wall. Shards fall onto my feet and open up the thin skin wrapped around my bones. The sensation of pain rushing up and down my body reminds me of my mother and her love language. Since mom can't love me no more, I will. Only to distract myself from your love.

Mom also taught me that people aren't supposed to die alone and that that's why people get married. They'll have someone by their side as they release the last volumes of air trapped in their lungs, and when they move on to the next phase, they'll have someone by their side to chat with as they search for their final destination. But if those were people, then dad wasn't a person, since he left mom with no explanation. He disappeared and never reappeared.

You know, your dad almost spotted me in the tree close to your window once. I had to sit real still because I wanted to keep our love a secret. That made me think of the time when you screamed when you opened your curtains and revealed me as I was hidden behind them. I wanted to surprise you because you had told your friends you liked surprises. I don't like them, they're always unexpected and scare me, like the time you said you had a boyfriend. That came out of nowhere, I got so jealous. I admit it's a bad trait of mine that I can be possessive and don't like to share, but you're mine and that's how it should be. After scouring the earth for your so-called boyfriend, I discovered that you had lied to me. It wasn't even April fools, but I laughed nonetheless. That was a sneaky prank you pulled, but I forgive you.

What you did today wasn't funny at all though. You phoned the police and they are going to come for me real soon. I still had to make preparations for our wedding, but it's too late now. Plans change, so I guess we'll have to adjust and move on to the next phase. Luckily, everything is set and ready to go for this part of the plan since the day we met because, back then, I already knew this day would come.

Before the feast can commence, I have to look nice and dress myself up. The glass shards tickle the soles of my feet as I step on them and amble to my closet. The suit my mom had kept as a souvenir from dad rests peacefully on the wooden hanger. I took it to the dry cleaner for this special occasion, I'm glad I can finally wear it. My legs slip into the tapered black trousers. I've gotten skinnier over the past months, I should've checked if the suit fitted me beforehand, but it's too late for that now.

Nobody has any idea where I took you, so I can assure you that we have tonight all for ourselves. The cabin at the beach of the lake used to be my father's, but he abandoned it just like he did with me and mom, and it's now overgrown with weeds. An idyllic, secluded spot all for ourselves. Nevertheless, I'd prefer it if we don't waste time. Because somehow, people always ruin everything for me. I am therefore taking into account that the cops might already have a lead on where we are; time efficiency is essential.

That is why I already placed you in the boat.

My socks slide onto my feet and I tie my shoes. Because of the broken mirror, my appearance is unknown to me, but as I straighten my blazer, I can tell that I look good. Never as good as you do, but I figure that the contrast in attractiveness between you and me will only invigorate your angelic charm.

Before my legs could run to you, I grab the lighter and slip it into one of my pockets. The door closes itself behind me and I begin to feel weak in the knees. After 864 days, it's finally happening. I waited so long for this day to come, but even now it feels like this romantic story of how we ended up together is ceasing too quickly.

I muster up courage and my leather shoes hit the sand with full confidence. The wooden boat is old and small but I've made sure it'll keep us afloat. I push it into deeper waters, while my eyes gaze upon your body. Your mascara has left a trail of where your tears meander on your cheeks, but at the end of the trail they're all being collected by the white cloth I had to bind your mouth with. I couldn't have you scream at me, I'm sorry.

Even with your hands tied up, your body wiggling around like a fish in need of water, you're dazzling. Venus, Aphrodite, Freya, they all can't compare to your beauty.

I'm still a little frustrated that you threw my phone out of the car window when we were driving towards this place. You became rebellious, so I had to tie you up and temporarily put you to sleep. Because you broke my phone, I can't play you that song that I found and made into ours, but I suppose it's irrelevant now. We've got each other and that is all that matters.

You struggle as I sit you up straight, but your protest isn't forceful enough. It's only natural, the drugs I had to feed you are still in your system.

"My Lord, you are adorable when you try to escape my grip, sorry that I got annoyed by it before. I didn't mean to hurt you in the car. I sincerely apologise, cupcake."

You frown in response and I laugh so hard that my stomach aches. You're cute when you're angry.

"Alright, alright. Let's begin, shall we?"

Your eyes bug out in response. They seem fearful, but there's nothing to fear. I thought you liked surprises, but I guess you're more like me than I thought. With my hand, I reach for your thigh to calm you down, but you flinch and move away. My head tilts as my eyebrow raises. I was just trying to comfort you, why did you move away? It's as if you don't like my touch. Either way, we have to get going. I shake my head, clutch the wooden ores tightly and begin to row towards the middle of the lake.

"Romantic, isn't it?"

You shake your head. I stop rowing.

"Why not? Isn't this what lovers do?"

It's a rhetorical question. Why? Because every time I asked you out, you said no, every time I talked to you, you ignored me. I figured that it'd be better for us if I did the talking, since you don't seem to like speaking to me.

When we arrive at our final destination, I unscrew the cap of the jerrycan. Sirens. My head swiftly turns to the sound. On the shore, two cars with red and blue lights stop and officers in their night blue attires step out of the vehicles. For a split second, anxiety runs me over and I shiver. When I blink, the afterimage of my mom's corpse being dragged into the ambulance appears. The same lights. The same sirens. I shake the image out of my body and start smiling. Mom told me to always put a smile on my face, it brightens up the world she said.

"It looks like we've got an audience, how exciting," I beam, "it seems fitting for the occasion. I should've invited some people as well. Alas, I don't really have anyone left, but I don't care all too much. Don't you worry about that, sweetheart, because I've got you and you're all I need."

The boat almost topples over when I stand up. I giggle nervously. "Sorry about that. Please close your eyes for a little while, dear."

You don't close them, instead they widen even more than before. I tut and shake my head. It's your choice to needlessly hurt yourself. As your boyfriend, I must respect that.

The gasoline splatters everywhere when I pour it onto your hair. You begin to whimper. When the droplets of fuel get trapped in your long lashes, you squeeze your eyes shut. You look so sad, I never saw that side of you before and I'm quite shocked by it. My lips curl in pain and worry. I collect myself again and continue where I left off, but this time I drain the liquid out of the can more gently, so that your hair gets doused in it and your clothes sufficiently soaked. The remaining gasoline I use to coat myself with.

The shouting coming from the shore is starting to deafen to my ears, so I try to drown those out by melting in your eyes. Sadly, you don't want to look at me. With two hands, I force your head to face my direction.

"Look at me."

And you do. It works like a charm. I never learned how to swim but in your eyes I can. Maybe it's a side effect from the spell you cast on me.

I like it when you look so hopeless and scared like you do now because it means that I can save you. And I will. With the lighter in my hand I will. I place a kiss on your forehead. The tip of my nose touches your hairline and a drop of gasoline that hung onto it falls onto your skin.

We were supposed to die to a song. And even though you can't hear it, it plays in our hearts. The blood that rushes through them is the lyrics to our song, the heartbeats are our rhythm. Our love ignites like the warm flame that chars our skin. And like a fiery phoenix, our love will be reborn in the afterlife from the ashes of our corpses. Can you feel the heat? The passion? Yes, you can; you're wailing after all. Well, that intense sensation is our love. Our own, special love.

"Sweetheart, we will be together forever and evermore."