3:00 a.m.

MYG 💙

Yoongi I don't get it

I've been thinking and it's not adding up

But it's making perfect sense

Taehyung, he always leaves and comes back and leaves and comes back

He's like flowers. Biennial I think?

No, perennial

He's perennial

We're going through a hard winter it seems like all our flowers are dead I try my best to water and water and breathe life into what's left of us but I guess we can't be helped. It's just not that time of year.

I have problems coming to grips with that for some reason

As if I don't know he'll be back next spring but

I don't know if I even want things to grow back. It might just be habit or muscle memory or Stockholm. Feels that way sometimes

He's all I've ever known. He's my first love. It always hurts when he leaves. It's always like the first time

But I've been thinking you know. Maybe he's not who I am anymore. I'm not sure if perennial is what I want anymore. So why do I still try? I wake up some days and feel like my body is piloting itself while I just watch from the outside. And that means I spend most of my days lying to myself.

And that myself and me are two different people. I can't even tell where they stop being the same thing

Do you know what that feels like?

To be Borges and I

I love modernism. I love Borges.

I used to teach him as a graduate student to undergrads

Creative Writing II

You would have been a shit student

Did I ever tell you I know Haruki Murakami?

4:14 a.m.

You should read it sometime

Borges y yo

4:27 a.m.

And who the fuck is he anyway?

Not Borges. He's a king.

Taehyung. He's just a man right? I think my love made him special

When that's gone I don't know him, or well. In a past life I knew him.

Teenage me knows him, but I don't. That might be clearer.

But I'm stuck here. He's so alluring. He's everything I used to want.

Borges and I

Jimin and I

Taehyung and Jimin

Same thing

And fuck him for leaving me when I begged him to never ever

Even though it made space for you. Oh my god it hurts sometimes.

For leaving again and again and

Coming in and out of my life like it's a fucing

*fucking grocery store

Not the best analogy I know shut up

Fuck it you understand what I'm saying don't you?

You're there, right Yoon?

I'm sorry for talking so much but you're the only friend who knows me

4:41 a.m.

I know he's bad for me. He's my nicotine

Much better metaphor

I used to smoke a little when I was younger. It was still pretty fucking naive. Just wanted to be edgy

So I know how it feels to crave something that is eating you alive. So bad your body can't work without it

This is corny but he's worse

Sooooo corny but he's hell

I'd rather die than have to do this dance forever

4:58 a.m.

I bought cigarettes earlier

I think it was me that bought them

Or perhaps it was the nostalgia

Or Jimin

Hmmm

5:09 a.m.

Trauma is so wild.

You mean to tell me I gotta live with this shit forever?

Crazy

5:24 a.m.

To be clear I didn't smoke the cigarettes

Don't wanna fall apart mentally and physically

Lol

I think I'm having a mental break I'm sorry this is so much

5:30 a.m.

I know when we were at the restaurant you said you think you're second best

It's not true

I hope I'm not overwhelming you when I say that sometimes I imagine what it would be like to still know you when I'm 70

5:40 a.m.

I am so scared of how I feel about you that I can't fall asleep

I am so scared of not having you around that I wish sometimes we never met at all

You take up so much space in my mind

You're gonna be mad at me for saying that and confusing you but I do I'd regret it so much if I didn't say that

You owe me rent money for that

6:04 a.m.

Oh look the sun is rising

I'm on the rooftop now, and I can see the station from here

The world looks so beautiful at daybreak

I know you might be concerned but I won't jump

6:18 a.m.

Yoongi?delivered.