I woke up and looked around myself; I was in the same room that I had been in since my arrival back in Elmira. I sat and a shocking, dizzying feeling rushed through my body. My hand flew to my head as a shooting pain struck into my brain like a knife. Tears streamed out of my eyes as I was encompassed by a comforting pair of arms; staring up into his eyes I think I felt automatically better.

“What happened?” I asked, surprised by the weakness of my own voice.

“You don’t remember?” He replied with a worried expression. I tried to look back into my memories and was greeted by a terrifying black wall within my mind.

“No, I cannot remember anything.”

“I don’t know if I’m the best person to explain.” He said, pulling me to his chest and kissing the top of my head for too long.

“Rowan, tell me.”

“I can’t.” He said with tears in his eyes. It was at this point that I began to worry that something was seriously wrong.

“If you will not tell me then take me to someone who will.” I demanded and stood up, only to feel so unstable that I stumbled and ended back on the bed. I waited for the head-rush to pass, gritted my teeth and then tried again, locking my knees and walking with stiff legs to the door. Rowan tried to give me his arm but I pushed it away; I could do it on my own.

I yanked open the door and started the long walk to the person who would tell me what an earth was going on. It took far too long for me to arrive. I wanted to all but fly through the corridors but my body would not allow me to go faster than a ridiculously slow human’s pace. Rowan walked with me, but I ignored the attempts he made at conversation; I knew that if I opened my mouth the only thing passing my lips would be screams from the waves of pain that were swelling at my every step.

I finally arrived at Orion’s room and burst through the door. I could see my wild expression in the mirror opposite the entrance but ignored it and rounded the corner to come face to face with Orion and several members of the council. I didn’t pause, “What is happening?” I all but shouted at him.

“Ilea take a seat, I’m sure you’re distressed from the events…”

“She doesn’t remember.” Rowan cut in, then tried to place his hand on mine but I moved it, I was still angry at him.

“Oh,” he paused for a moment, “this may make things difficult.”

“May make what difficult?” I was getting more annoyed and could feel the flames of anger lapping near the surface.

“Please clam down Ilea. I will explain to you, as long as you stay calm.” I was about to get angrier when I noticed the terrified faces of the council. I tried to push down the rising lava and felt the heat drain from my eyes.

“Thank you. Will you please sit down? I think what I am about to tell you will come as an unwanted shock.”

I sat, trying to break through the dark barrier in my mind, but nothing worked. When I looked up again the other men of the council had left the rom. Orion, Rowan and I were the only ones left and there was extreme tension in the atmosphere. I tried to ignore it, “Tell me what happened.”

Orion sighed and took a seat opposite me. “How much do you remember?”

I thought back, trying to decipher what were real thoughts and what were fragmented images from my own imagination. “I think I remember the dress fitting, has the ball happened yet?”

“I’m not sure how to start…”

“From the dress fitting.” I said bluntly, cutting him up.

“After the fitting you went to the kitchens for some bread and cheese. We met in the corridor and I informed you that there was a surprise for you in the stables.” His eyes looked hopeful and he put his hand onto mine in a fatherly way. I wondered what had changed between us that caused him to be so protective.

“From what I understand, you then went down to the stables and your friends from The House were there.”

“Jacob and Johanna?” I asked tentatively

“Yes.” Orion said slowly and I felt Rowan’s fingers wrap around my free hand. It felt strange, but I pushed the thought away. “You were obviously very happy to see them, but then one of the stable boys attacked them, Jacob was stabbed in the stomach. It was only a flesh wound, but you got very angry.”

“It wasn’t your fault Ilea.” Rowan cut in, “Everyone around you knows that it’s difficult for you to control your emotions.” I simply stared at Orion.

“What happened?” I asked my voice breaking.

“You lost control. You went into a state we elves call Vismalda. It only occurs when you lose control of your powers to an emotion, what happens when an elf is in Vismalda depends on the emotion and who that elf is.”

“And I was angry?”

“Yes.”

“What happened?”

“There was an explosion of power, it electrocuted everything.”

“Everything?” I choked out.

“Yes.”

“Jacob and Johanna?” Orion shook his head. I felt numb. I had murdered them. I felt my body slouch forwards and be caught by Orion. Tears Poured down my cheeks and soaked the shoulder of the robe he was wearing. They were like a salty infection spreading across the surface of the cloth.

How could I have done that? Why did I not remember? I tried to look back in my mind but met the same black wall of obstruction. I wanted to raise my fists against it and beat it down, but I could not.

However, the more I thought about what lay behind the wall, the less sure I became that I even wanted to see it.

“Do you know why I cannot remember?”

“We think it’s a safety mechanism; that your mind is trying to protect itself. It does sometimes happen after a particularly strong Vismalda, but it is rare. The best conclusion I can draw is that it is a mix between the occurrence of the Vismalda and the tragedy that it produced, your mind cannot process them both, so it has simply blocked them out.”

It seemed to make sense. I would not know what to do if I could actually remember killing them. I felt sick at the thought of it. I physically felt the bile rise in my throat and had to lurch for an empty bowl on a near table so I did not throw up on the floor. I was not sure how long I had been unconscious, but there was no food in my stomach for me to vomit, only liquids and stomach acid. I felt my body empty, and my throat start to burn, but the retching would not stop. I started to get cramps in my stomach and became vaguely aware of a hand rubbing my back sympathetically. Eventually it stopped. I braced myself against the table shaking uncontrollably my body was so weak.

Orion stepped next to me and placed a cool hand against my forehead. I felt Rowan wrap his arms around my waist and help to support me as I wobbled on shaking legs. I slowly felt the room dim and my eyes darted quickly to Orion’s face. His expression was calm with a little worry.

“Just relax.” Orion said clearly, and my mind slipped in blackness.