CHAPTER TEN
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SHE WASN'T PLANNING ON GOING. Well, not really.

Morana huffed as she looked up at the ceiling of her room. Her plan was to go to sleep, to let Nikolai grovel in his room, to let whatever they had stay in the sea. But sleep evaded her and all she could think of was the image of him. Nikolai on his knees for her, groaning at her touch because she affected him as much as he affected her.

But Nikolai wanted to talk. And Morana wasn't sure if she was ready for that turmoil. He'd figure out who her father was, that much was obvious. She'd have to explain her mother. Her whole life because... She couldn't lie to him. Not anymore. And if he wanted to throw her out after he learned about the monsters looming over her then so be it.

But she wasn't about to freely hand out explanations. She didn't owe him one, she didn't want to give him one either. They stayed in the True Sea and that's where they both would remain, there was nothing for them in Ravka.

Clenching her jaw, Morana stood up from her bed, grabbing her robe from the hanger and placing it over the nightgown she'd been given to sleep in. Then she put on her slippers and ventured into the halls of the Spinning Wheel until she reached his door.

I should go to sleep, he'll get the message, she thought to herself but raised her hand nonetheless, knocking on the door.

Seconds later she heard footsteps from the other side and Nikolai opened the door, dressed in sleeping trousers and a white shirt, and a stupid grin on his face.

"I thought you weren't coming," Nikolai said, his voice sounding both teasing and relieved.

"I thought about it."

"Come on in, Mora," said Nikolai with a smile.

Morana didn't move. Her feet planted in place and she shook her head. "I'm not staying."

"What?" His face fell into a frown.

"I'm just here to end whatever this is," she told him, gesturing between the two of them.

Nikolai's jaw clenched. "End?"

"Are you suddenly a parrot too?" asked Morana. "I thought prince and privateer were enough titles."

"We need to talk," replied Nikolai, not bothering to reply to her comment, "That's why you're here."

"I'm here to make sure you know I'm gone the moment Mal and I sever the link—"

"Morana, you can't leave Ravka, your father is still—"

Morana shoved his chest, making him stumble into the room and walked in, closing the door behind her as she turned to glare at him, "You don't know anything, Nikolai. Keep your mouth shut or someone will hear you."

His jaw clenched and his eyes darkened, glaring back at her, "I know enough. And you don't have just Mal's link to be concerned about."

"I've been managing fine until now."

"You cried blood, Mora! If you think that's fine then you're fucking insane!"

"I'm not insane! I'm not going back North. But I am going back to the sea—"

"So you can do what?" Nikolai snapped, stepping closer to her. Morana stood her ground, looking defiantly up at him. "So you can live amongst pirates? Jumping from ship to ship without ever having a home?"

Morana scoffed. "I've lived like that for years, your highness, I can manage."

"Surviving. You weren't living."

"Yes, I was," Morana snarled, shoving his chest but Nikolai grasped her wrist, roughly tugging her closer. "I have power in the sea, I'm not nothing. My life was just fine, especially when you were only Sturmhond."

Nikolai flinched at her words and Morana regretted them instantly, though she wasn't about to cave, not when he was getting what he asked for. The plague. The monster. The poisonous woman that would destroy him. And once he saw her, the real her, he would throw her out and Morana wouldn't have a single regret in her life.

"At least we agree on something," said Nikolai, his stare steely, "Your life was just fine."

"What—" Morana's words caught in her throat as he stepped closer to her, making her back hit the door behind her. He let go of her wrist and caged her to the wall with his arms. Morana's jaw clenched and she urged to throw something at him—a chair; herself; she hadn't decided.

He clicked his tongue as he looked down at her, a mocking smile on his face. "Just fine. What a fine way to live. What a fine way to live a safe little life without any excitement."

"Life at sea is never without excitement," argued Morana, and his brow raised in a taunting manner.

He smirked as he let his head fall, hovering just beside her ear. "Life at sea could never make your skin light on fire," he said, his lips grazing her jaw, "Life at sea will bore you, darling. How long before you tire of the Crimson Mirage, of having to deal with filthy pirates that quake in your path instead of worshiping it?"

"I like when they fear me." But she didn't. The fear the pirates showed towards her, the sea witch, reminded her of everything her mother ever said and how everything was so utterly correct. A pretty little monster. An abomination.

"Liar," snarled Nikolai against her neck before he kissed the hollow of her throat making Morana's head fall back against the door, a sigh leaving her lips. "You have no idea what kind of life you could have if you'd let someone in..."

Yes, she did. She would have someone die at her hands again. Like her mother did. She'd have someone seeing her demons and eyes widening before they slaughtered them. Letting someone in was like handing the reins of her life to someone who could easily toss her aside. Nikolai's hands found their way beneath her robe and to her waist, pulling her closer.

"A sea of rum wouldn't intoxicate me as much as you," he muttered against her throat, his teeth grazing her jaw. "You're running away from a life of joy, thrill, chaos, love, just because you're scared."

Morana's jaw clenched and she grabbed his face with one hand, making him look at her once again as she glared coldly at him. "I'm not scared, your highness." She was terrified. With that, she shoved him away by the face and stepped further away from him, Nikolai groaned in frustration.

"Why are you running?!" he said, throwing his hands in the air.

"Because I don't have a place here!" said Morana running a hand through her hair as she pursed her lips. "I'm nothing here. And the worst part is if someone ever finds out who my father is I'll go from nothing to a traitor in a heartbeat. Is that what you want?" asked Morana, "To see my blood spilled on your country because you can't let go of the idea of me?"

"The only way anyone would ever spill your blood is if I'm dead," Nikolai said, his fists clenched at his side. "And I already let go of the idea of you, Mora."

"Good," replied Morana coldly and Nikolai shook his head.

"I think you misunderstood me, darling," he said. "I let go of the idea. You're a reality now. And I'm never letting that go."

"You don't even know me." Morana let out a bitter laugh. "If you knew me you wouldn't be standing there. You wouldn't fall to your knees for me. Not for me."

"Try me," snapped Nikolai.

Raising an eyebrow at him, Morana tried to keep the emotions bubbling up inside her at bay, she wasn't about to show him how fucking terrified she was about all of it. The image of her mother's pale face, full of blotches from the firepox, looked up at her through empty blue eyes as she drew her last breath, You were my biggest regret, she'd said as her hand fell limp in Morana's. Regret, the one thing you should hope not to be the consequence of a big choice.

Nikolai would regret her. How could he not? He was a prince and she was a monster. Even if he didn't think so now she'd become his burden, someone he'd regret, someone he'd grow resentful of just like her mother had.

He looked at her expectantly, waiting for an answer. Morana shook her head. "Just let me go, Nikolai, I'm tired."

"No."

"No?"

"I'm not letting you go until I prove to you I could start fires with what I feel for you," he said earnestly, stepping closer to her, "Prove that I'd never beg for anyone except you. Prove to you that I can handle whatever demons you're so afraid of showing me. That you're the only person I'm not afraid to be myself with."

Morana pursed her lips, his words mulling over in her mind like a breath of fresh air, and she almost believed him. Shaking her head she made to move past him. She felt her eyes prickle with tears and she hated herself for even thinking of crying when she had absolutely no reason to do so.

"Oh no, you don't." Nikolai's hand reached out to her faster than she could step away. Morana was pulled back into his chest. "You can't leave, Mora, we've barely begun talking."

"We've talked enough," snapped Morana trying to push away again but he wouldn't budge. "You already have your answers, Nikolai. You got the confirmation about my father. Let me go..."

Nikolai grabbed her chin with his hand and forced her to look at him, through tear-rimmed eyes, she didn't want to cry but a tear slipped past anyway.

"Don't cry, Morana," her mother's voice echoed in her head, "or I'll give you something to cry about. You brought this upon yourself."

But Nikolai didn't mock her. He didn't look at her with pity in his eyes or distaste. He didn't say anything, he merely leaned over to her face and kissed the tear away.

Morana's heart was threatening to fly out of her chest as she looked up at him, her lips parted. Nikolai smiled softly as he tucked her hair behind her ear, whispering, "Trust me, Mora, let me be the one you allow to see your light."

Her light. What light? The one that never came? The one that peeked over as if dawn was coming but instead of the sun rising, she was just plunged into more darkness. She had no light to show him, and yet she let him lead her to his bed, where he sat down bringing her to stand between his legs, looking up at her.

"Please, Mora. Don't run."

Morana's eyes fluttered closed as she felt his hand run down the length of her spine, a comforting gesture that told her he was really there, waiting for her to speak. She kept her eyes closed, not able to look at him if she was going to speak, and Nikolai hugged her to him, locking his arms around her waist, his head leaning on her torso as if he knew she might try to run at any given moment.

"Yelena Zoreslava was a Tidemaker at the Little Palace," she spoke lowly, "one of their very best. Apparently, the General likes a powerful woman that devotes herself to him... My mother got pregnant. She usually didn't tell me the details but I know someone name Baghra told her all about General Kirigan being the Black Heretic, about the creation of the Fold, and urged her to run because she would only use the child for his own gain..."

Morana took a deep breath letting her fingers tangle with his silky hair, Nikolai hummed in contentment.

"That was when she still... Still loved the idea of me."

"Mora—"

"She fled the country, ran from the Darkling," Morana said interrupting whatever he was going to say. "Got a job in a library at the University of Ketterdam and waited for her pregnancy there. It's easy to disappear in the Barrel."

"I know," Nikolai muttered and Morana was sure he was thinking about his sister, the Whisperer.

"But then she had me. And she started getting weaker. Whatever's inside me is poison, Nikolai, it kills people, and I—"

"You're not poison," Nikolai stopped her. Morana looked down at him. Nikolai's arm untangled from her waist and reached up to her face, Morana leaned against his touch. "And if you were, Mora... If you were the deadliest poison in the world, I would die just to get a taste of your lips," he whispered the last part and Morana could hardly breathe.

"Prove it," she found herself whispering.

Nikolai's lips broke into a breathtaking grin and he let his hand brush down her bare arms, causing her robe to slip to the floor as he stood up, towering over her. Then without a warning he pulled her closer by her neck, and crashed his lips against hers, tasting the poison that she was like a man prepared to die.

He pulled away and her eyes fluttered open. He smiled. "I'm still alive, I think that's a good sign."

"I think you should have another taste," Morana argued, "Just in case."

"I'm starting to think you want to kill me, Mora."

"Only slightly." She reached up to his face, letting her thumb graze his bottom lip and Nikolai kissed her finger. "A secret for a secret, Nikolai. It's your turn."

He nodded but didn't pull away from how close they were, instead, he leaned down to her neck, kissing it softly, something he apparently loved to do and Morana wondered just how badly he wanted to train his lips further than her neckline.

He spoke against her skin, "I'm a bastard, Mora. The spare Lantsov. The only one with a good head on my shoulder and I'm quite sure it's because we don't share blood."

Morana closed her eyes as she listened to him, as she felt his lips lowering to her shoulder, her collarbone.

"The word bastard is a funny thing," he muttered, "it implies that the most heinous thing I've done is exist."

That was the moment Morana realized something she should have realized a long time ago. Both of them had a lot in common. A lot of fear over being themselves, because who would want them? A bastard and a monster? That was why they'd fallen into a good routine as Sturmhond and the Crimson Mirage. They were both versions of themselves that were not true but in their essence all they wished they could truly be.

"Are you scared?" Morana asked, and he pulled away from her, to look back into her eyes, "Are you scared of being yourself?"

"Terrified," whispered Nikolai. "Are you?"

"Terrified," Morana echoed, admitting to the very same thing she'd been refusing only a few moments earlier.

Nikolai nodded, and then a small smile tugged at his lips, "I think we should be terrified together."

"You'll regret me," confessed Morana, her voice barely above a whisper and Nikolai laughed. He laughed. A sweet melodic incredulous laugh.

"I would never regret a single thing when it comes to you," he said, "except for letting you go."

"Then don't. Don't let me go."

And he didn't. Morana sighed into his mouth as he pulled her in for another kiss, and Nikolai grinned causing her to shove him in the chest. Only he grabbed her hand in his, intertwining their fingers together as he claimed her lips again. Kissing her like a man who'd been starved for years and Morana kissed him back, matching his hunger with her own.

She let herself get lost in the moment and forgot about the dreadful conversation, about the tear that slipped past her eye. Because from sweet and tender their kiss had ignited into something more. Desire. Lust. Love?

Morana's hands found the hem of Nikolai's shirt and her fingers slipped beneath the fabric trying to memorize every muscle, every scar. Nikolai chuckled against her lips.

"Thieving hands," he muttered turned them around, causing her to gasp as she fell against his mattress, and Nikolai hovered above her with a grin on his face. "Trying to steal my heart?"

"I was just trying to get the shirt off," replied Morana with a smirk, brushing off the implication of his words.

"Will you beg for it?"

Morana raised herself on her elbows and kissed his neck, trailing a path up to his ear, she nibbled his earlobe between her teeth before whispering in his ear, "Darling, I don't beg. I bargain."

"Bargain?" echoed Nikolai with a smirk. "What will you offer me in exchanged for my shirt then?"

"A kiss?"

Nikolai leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, "You must have a better offer."

Pretending to think, Morana grabbed the sides of his face and pulled him closer, making sure to leave him begging for more as she kissed him senselessly. Kissing Nikolai felt like the sun was rising after dawn, that the night was forgotten. Kissing him was like turning to the sun and knowing all the shadows stayed behind. When they pulled away, panting, their breaths mingling together in the hot room, Nikolai nodded.

"I like this offer," he said, "Have some notes, though. I didn't quite like the part where it ended."

Morana rolled her eyes at him and Nikolai grinned before tugging off his shirt and leaving his torso on display for her to see. She'd already seen him shirtless, multiple times, and each time her breathing caught. She let her fingers trace his warm skin, feeling his heart beating wildly against her hand.

"You're ogling."

"Assessing," corrected Morana looking up at him with a sly smile, "My part of the bargain was much more appealing. I think the trousers should go too."

A laugh escaped his lips and he clicked his tongue, "What a crude thing to say, Mora."

She pointed at herself with a grin, "Pirate."

"Pirate, Crimson Mirage, Volcra Slayer, my Siren of the True Sea," he said each name followed by a kiss down her throat. "Perfect."

"Nikolai," Morana warned him.

"You are perfect," he said, "My poison of choice."

"Nikolai—"

Morana stopped talking as a knock sounded on the door. She frowned as she looked up at Nikolai who was looking toward the door confused. He turned back to her and placed a kiss on her lips before he stood up, "I'll be right back, darling."

Smiling to herself Morana melted against the bed, toying with the strings of her nightgown as she heard Nikolai's footsteps around the room. She heard the door open.

After a few moments of silence, the person on the other side said, "I've made my decision."

Alina?

Nikolai cursed under his breath and Morana raised herself on her elbows, peering over the curtain of the canopy of his bed that was partially drawn and saw his bare shoulders square up, the muscles in his back tense. She frowned. "Alina, this is not a good time—"

"I know, it's rather late but I had to tell you," Alina said sounding mildly apologetic, "I accept it. Your proposal."

Morana's brows flew to her hairline and she sat up on the bed, seeing Nikolai lean his head against the door where his arm was perched on. Proposal?

"Good, is that all?" asked Nikolai though his voice sounded strained.

"Yes, that's all. Good night," said Alina and then left.

Morana let out an incredulous laugh as she stood up, as Nikolai turned to look at her with an apology ready to spill out of the lips that had just been kissing her, telling her he wouldn't let go. But what good was a pirate, a nobody when he could have a living Saint as a wife?

"Mora—"

"Don't bother," Morana cut him off grabbing her robe from its place on the floor and walking past him, only to have her wrist grasped. Morana yanked it out of his grasp and glanced back at him. With her jaw clenched and heart bruised, she bowed her head, "Moi tsarevich."

She didn't bother to feel anything as she saw Nikolai recoil from her words like he had earlier that day, she didn't bother to hear anything he said and merely walked out the door.

Lies catch up to you only if you let them, her mother's voice echoed in her head, run faster.

But she hadn't run fast enough, and she'd been lying to herself thinking the impossible, that Nikolai might want her, might actually stay. And that lie had caught up and Morana refused to cry over it. Perhaps her head was ahead of herself, perhaps he had a wonderful explanation that settled her worries before he kissed them completely away. But at the moment she wasn't in the right mindset for apologies.

She made her way back to her room and her brows furrowed as she neared the door. "Alina?"

The girl jumped in place as she saw Morana standing in the hall, placing a hand on her heart, "Saints! I thought you were inside, I was just about to knock."

"What do you want?" asked Morana trying to keep the bite out of her tone but Alina didn't buy it. She saw the way her robe was hanging from her arm, the way her lips were probably pink-tinged and her hair was ruffled.

Alina gaped at her. "You were there... Morana, I swear—"

"Inside, Alina," Morana cut her off opening the door to her room and letting Alina pass before she closed it behind her.

Alina sighed, taking a sit on the end of the bed, "It doesn't mean anything other than a political alliance, Mora, you know that. That's why I accepted. You know how I feel about Mal."

Morana pondered her words and realized something, her brows raised a fraction, as she spoke, "You think Nikolai told me."

Alina's head snapped to her, "He said he would."

"Well, he didn't."

Alina groaned letting herself fall back on the bed, "He's an idiot. Please don't be cross at me, I know what he means to you—"

"I'm not mad," said Morana. Alina had come straight to her room to tell her he accepted his proposal without even needing to. Because what rule did Morana have over Nikolai that made the Sun Summoner believe she had to warn her?

"You look pissed, Mora," refuted Alina and Morana realized her fists were clenched.

She took a deep breath and relaxed her hands. "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at Nikolai."

"Isn't that a natural reaction to his presence?"

"It certainly is now." Morana let out a laugh and found herself having the urge to confide in Alina, find a friend in the Sun Summoner who'd made sure she was aware of the situation the moment it happen. "The bastard kissed me and proceeded to accept your acceptance of his secret proposal."

Alina groaned burying her head in her hands. "Moron."

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