CHAPTER NINE
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I WAS BORN CURSED, NIKOLAI.

What are you running from?

My past. My father. My monsters.

The fact that Morana was the Crimson Mirage took him longer to realize than he would like to admit. But once her secrets started spilling out, as pieces of the puzzle turned face up and he moved them to place, the picture he had of Morana was becoming clearer and clearer.

What are you running from?

My past. My father. My monsters.

Her father.

He was going on a hunch. A feeling inside him, one that surged as he watched her move faster than anyone he'd ever seen before in the Fold, summoning the shadows as she tore a volcra's head off. She looked deadly, beautiful—like a rose, and Nikolai wanted to bleed by her thorns. Morana called herself unnatural, an abomination if only she saw herself as he did. She couldn't be blamed for who her father was, and Nikolai wanted her to know that.

She said she had been born in Kerch. Raised in Ketterdam. But she was running from Ravka. Something was calling her from Ravka and Nikolai was getting more and more convinced it wasn't something, but someone.

"We've received accounts of First Army units found massacred here, here, and here," he said to both Alina and Mal as he pointed to the map in the war room of the Spinning Wheel.

"Too far to be Shu incursions," said Mal.

"Or Fjerdan," added Alina.

"There's good evidence these units were holding Grisha captive. Some reports say soldiers were mutilated." He paused. "Some cut in half."

A heavy silence washed over the three, and Nikolai could hear the wheels in his own brain turning, trying to arrive at answers that he knew he wouldn't like. His brother was failing to keep the country together, turning the First Army against Grisha, making sure Ravka was divided beyond the physical tear the Fold caused. The weight of the country was on his shoulders, and Nikolai was going to make his best with what power he was given, to make sure Ravka could prosper, make sure the Ravkan population was safe, and fairing the best he could offer.

"It's Kirigan, isn't it?" Alina broke the silence with a sigh.

"We haven't been able to find his base camp—"

"There's no way he survived the Fold," Mal interrupted.

"He survived it before," Alina said almost reluctantly, but her voice unwavering. "Besides, he's the only one who can do the Cut. Baghra, yes, but this is him."

"If he's alive, word will reach him about your attempt in the Fold." Nikolai's fists clenched at his side at the thought of the Darkling being alive, beckoning Morana to follow, being the reason she'd cried blood, being the reason she'd shuddered as she fell asleep in his arms barely holding herself in one piece. But he couldn't be sure, could he? Morana still owed him a secret.

"Attempt," Alina echoed and Nikolai looked sheepishly at her.

"No disrespect meant."

Alina sighed. "No, you're right. That's what it was. An attempt." She looked up at him and Mal. "You both saw my light. It was strong and angry and dangerously off-kilter. I can train to master what I have, but I'm afraid it won't be enough."

"We need to find the third amplifier," said Mal.

"The Firebird?"

Mal nodded.

Nikolai ran a hand through his hair as clogs turned in his head, a stupid but clever idea forming in his head. An idea that put Ravka in front of all else, an idea that could very well be the thing that held the country together.

"The more we search for it, we are at the mercy of your protection in this country," said Alina as if she was provoking him to speak. And so he did.

"Well, until then, a proposal," he told the both of them. "We can try to stop this country from falling apart and tell the Fjerdans to shove their bounty up their ass in the process."

"How do you propose we do that?" asked Alina.

Nikolai hesitated, Morana's dark eyes flashing through his mind. He sighed. "I bring you under the wing of the Royal Family, my name becomes a shelter to you and a banner under which we can enact change."

"Your name?" asked Mal. He nodded.

"Wait." He saw the words processed in her head before she looked at him incredulously. "This is a proposal proposal. You're suggesting marriage!?"

"I'm not proposing a love match," Nikolai cut her off, a little harsher than he was expecting. Alina rose an eyebrow at him and Nikolai flexed his hand behind his back before continuing, "Just a political alliance of Grisha and otkazat'sya."

"Well, that's just what all marriages are, aren't they?" asked Mal, "Strategy."

"Precisely." Nikolai nodded. "Maybe we never get to marriage—" Hopefully not, "—An engagement signals a strong commitment to cooperation and it will allow us to enact meaningful change for Grisha and Ravka." He sighed. "I've seen what you both mean to each other. I understand if you decline, but I hope you weigh the options and consider the benefits."

He turned on his heels ready to leave when Alina grabbed him by the arm, halting him in his steps. "What about Morana?" she asked.

Nikolai's shoulders tensed, and he looked at Alina with a tight smile. "A political alliance, Alina. That's all this is. Morana... I'll tell her. She'll understand."

Alina released his sleeve. "I need to think about it."

"Of course."

With that, he left the war room, with every intent on finding Morana and telling her about the proposal. They hadn't spoken to each other since they'd arrived in East Ravka and he was apprehensive to think what she thought of the whole situation. What it would mean now that he wasn't just Sturmhond.

He found Tamar and Tolya in the training facilities and they directed him to the library of the Spinning Wheel. Nikolai's steps got slower the closer he got to the library. What would he even tell her? Darling, I'm possibly engaged to the sunbeam, please don't be mad. Oh, and your father might be alive. Also, I think I know who you're father is.

He ran a hand through his face as he got to the open doors of the library and walked in. He didn't have to search for Morana at all. She was sitting on an armchair by a fireplace, her booted feet thrown haphazardly over one arm as she leaned on the other, a glass of wine in one hand and a book that seemed to be giving her a headache from the scrunch of her nose—he understood the wine at least.

"Is it any good?" he asked as he walked over to her, leaning on the mantel of the fireplace.

Morana's eyes lazily glanced up at him and she pursed her lips before looking back to the book. "The book is useless. The wine is average." She glanced back up at him and frowned. "Am I supposed to bow or something?"

His lips split into a grin and he shrugged, she was a pirate on land, no one from her mother's pose of ladies would ever seat so casually on a chair, and speak to him as she did. "Technically, yes. But I rarely see you follow rules."

Instead of coming up with a snappy quip she gave him a nod and gazed back at the book, taking a sip of her wine. She didn't add to the conversation and Nikolai started to worry.

"I thought you'd be the first to punch me," he told her, trying to keep her talking, trying to get her attention that was so easily captured by Sturmhond.

"I thought about it." She didn't look up from the book. I thought it was useless, Nikolai thought to himself.

"Yet you didn't."

Morana shrugged, she took a sip from the glass, twirling it in her hand before she finally let her eyes travel from her book and land on his. "It's all lies, darling. We're both liars."

All lies. But it wasn't. They weren't a lie—he was sure of that. But then again he wasn't exactly sure what they were, to begin with. Nikolai reminded himself of the reason why he'd searched for her. "The Darkling may have returned. Alina is sure it's him," he told her quietly.

Morana's shoulders squared. She closed her eyes for a moment and proceeded to down the entire contents of her glass before standing up. "So?"

"Mora, I know—"

"I should put this book back," she said, cutting him off and Nikolai's jaw clenched. He followed in her steps as Morana walked towards an aisle of the library but before she could take another step he grasped her wrist, making her wine glass slip through her hand and shatter on the ground.

He didn't care about the glass though, tugging her back to him he forced Morana to look into his eyes. "I thought you weren't mad about my lying."

"I'm not."

"Then why are you acting like—"

"I'm not acting," she said as she yanked her hand off his grasp, "I'm not pretending anymore. Whatever happened between us stayed in the True Sea. Here I shouldn't mean anything to you—"

"You can't be serious," said Nikolai, his brows raising to his forehead.

She shoved the book into his chest, and Nikolai caught it, looking down at the cover. It was a book about Small Science. He frowned.

"Once I find a way to sever whatever has bonded me to Mal, I'm going to go back to the sea," she said firmly, but as Nikolai glanced back at her face her eyes seemed like voids of emptiness. He frowned.

"Mal?"

"Mal is the one I'm linked to. That's the secret I owed you." She bowed her head. "Moi tsarevich."

Nikolai visibly flinched.

Then Morana shoved past him and started walking off the library, not even looking back at him. But if Nikolai was anything, he was stubborn and he would not let her walk away from him. From them. Not when they still had so much to talk about, not when they were finally getting somewhere and his title had to go and ruin it.

He followed after her, half running to catch up to her when someone else stopped Morana. An older-looking woman, who by the color of her kefta was a Healer, looked up at her with wide eyes, and Morana's shoulders stiffened.

"Yelena?" the woman muttered, squinting her eyes at Morana through the dim light of the hall. "Yelena Zoreslava? Don't you remember me?"

Morana shook her head trying to get past the woman, "I don't know who you're talking about—"

"I'm Caelea, we were brought into the palace the same year... I... Your eyes used to be blue."

"The ocean was jealous of their color," replied Morana stiffly, and the woman, Caelea, let out a fake-sounding laugh.

"You were always the funny one. You certainly haven't aged a day, no wonder the General liked you so much," Caelea said and in her voice, there was a hint of distaste. "Why did you return? Hoping for a reunion?"

"Not at all," Morana said trying to slip past Caelea but the woman shoved herself in her way.

"You deserted. He would never take you back—"

"Good evening," Nikolai greeted loudly as he approached the two, and Morana's shoulders visibly relaxed, though her jaw was clenched so tightly Nikolai could see the muscles clenching.

Caelea immediately bowed her head, muttering the words that had made him flinch when Morana had said them.

"No need for formalities, I was just hoping to have a word with Miss..." he trailed off as he looked at Morana and she sighed.

"Zoreslava," she said.

"Of course, excuse me," Caelea said through a fake smile, sending a nasty look Morana's way that made Nikolai's blood boil. "We'll catch up later, Yelena, if you're not busy falling into old habits," she replied as she glanced up at him.

With that Caelea left them alone.

"You didn't have to do that."

"You looked a minute away from attacking the Healer."

"She's a Healer," replied Morana, "she would've been fine."

Nikolai grasped her hand in his before Morana could even think about following after Caelea or running from him. She turned her face up, her eyes boring into his soul. "You're not going to ask?"

He tugged her closer, shaking his head as he raised his hand, letting his fingers brush against the side of her face. She was so beautiful he wanted to etch a picture of her into his brain, so he could never forget her.

"I'm not going to ask now," he muttered as her eyes didn't waver from his, his thumb tracing her bottom lip, making Morana gasp. "I don't want you to walk away, Mora. So what I am going to do is ask you to come by my room later tonight—"

"That's rather presumptuous of you—"

"Not like that," he cut her off, the corner of his lips tugging into a smirk as he saw the faint blush on her cheeks, "Well unless you want to."

She narrowed her eyes at him and Nikolai smiled.

"We need to talk, that's all. You know we do."

"There's nothing to talk about," replied Morana as she stepped away from him. "All there was stayed in the ocean."

"Bullshit, darling. We're here." He walked forward making her stumble back into the wall and caged her with his arm as he smiled softly at her. "We're both here and that's all we need. So please, I'm begging you, just hear me out."

Morana's lips pursed as she trailed his features, and then he saw in her eyes something shift. She rose an eyebrow, "Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Begging," she replied, a smirk growing on her red-painted lips and Nikolai knew then that for at least tonight he'd won her over.

"Want me to get on my knees for you, Mora?" He clicked his tongue. "Rather crude of you, we're in a hallway."

"I'm a pirate," was her reply. Then one of her perfect brows raised challenging him and Nikolai grinned.

He let his hands graze her sides as lowered himself to his knees, and then they fell to the side as he looked up at her, "Morana, darling, join me tonight," he said. "I beg of you."

She smirked running on hand through his hair, nails grazing his skin, she tugged his hair, tilting his head to the side as she lowered herself to his ear, "Stay up and wait for me. I might show up."

He groaned as her tongue traced his jaw and she kissed his neck and then she left him, kneeling in a hallway, hopelessly devoted to his Queen of the True Sea.

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author's note:

guys, i'm probably going to
be busy this week so here,
have this update as a bonus.
however, many times when
i say this i end up having
plenty of time to write and update
the conclusion is my updates are unpredictable and you love them!

thank you for supporting this story!