CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
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ARRIVING AT THE FORT IN ZVEDYA WAS TORTURE. She had to stand there, beside Alina and Mal, listening to the retellings of their adventure, reminding herself that Baghra had died and Mal was on his way to join her. Reminding herself that she couldn't just fall into Nikolai's arms no matter how badly she wanted to.

Tomorrow they'd go into battle. One team to find the already found Firebird, another to fight the Darkling, her father—the monster who'd slaughtered an orphanage out of spite.

Morana was not looking forward to tomorrow. Not when so much was at risk. Not when it would decide whether they won or failed miserably.

She tried to sleep. She really did. Wrapping herself around the covers of the bed in the room she was given for the night. But sleep evaded her, the bed was cold and Morana could feel herself shattering all over again.

All the progress she'd made to hold herself in the light, was as if gone, and the shadows were trying to claw their way back. Her father was a monster. Her mother was a monster. Her grandmother was dead. Morana was no one. Nothing.

Because whether they won or lost, she had no life to go back to afterward. Sturmhond wouldn't be in the sea; and Nikolai, in all his promises of fixing whatever they'd broken between them, had responsibilities far greater than a pirate of shadows.

Morana looked at the compass sitting on the nightstand and closed her eyes tightly. The shadows were trying to get to her. And despite everything that told her to stay in her room, Morana needed her sun to bring her back. Just for one night.

Getting dressed, Morana forgo her attempts at sleeping and slipped off her room, wandering the halls of the fort in search of Nikolai. She found herself standing outside his door. With a deep breath, Morana knocked on the door.

There was a moment when she didn't hear anything inside and Morana started doubting her judgment to come here. To search for him. But then she heard his footsteps and the door swung open and her eyes met his hazel ones.

She didn't waste a second as she fell into his arms and Nikolai staggered back, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly to him as he closed the door behind her. "Mora, what happened?"

"I just... I couldn't sleep," she said meekly into his chest, feeling pathetic at how she sounded but not caring enough to let him go.

"Worried about tomorrow?" he asked quietly as he ran his fingers through her hair and Morana nodded, and just like that she felt the shadows going away, falling behind. "Me too."

Morana sighed, pulling away from him, and looked up at his face. Nikolai's lips tugged into a small smile as he tucked her hair behind her ear and both of them got lost in each other's eyes. "Let's just pretend," Morana found herself whispering.

"Pretend?"

"Let's just pretend we're back in the sea," she replied, clutching his shirt in her hands as if she let go he'd disappear, "Just for one night."

"We're here, Mora. We don't need to pretend," Nikolai said, and Morana closed her eyes tightly, letting her head fall against his chest as she fought to keep herself whole, as she fought the tears that threatened to leave her eyes at the thought of being here—because here, she was nothing.

"Please, Nikolai," she whispered. "Just one night. Just... let me pretend I'm someone worthy of you."

Nikolai's breathing hitched. He gently pulled her away enough to tilt her chin up and made her look up at him again. But Morana kept her eyes closed, not wanting to see the look of pity in his eyes.

"Mora, look at me." She shook her head.

His hand trailed down her jawline before he cupped her face, and tugged her closer, softly pressing his lips to hers.

"Please, Morana, look at me," he whispered against her lips, before slightly pulling away.

Morana's eyes fluttered open, and pity was nowhere to be seen in his eyes. He smiled, brushing his thumb across her cheekbone.

"Alright," he whispered, "I'll pretend for the night. I'll pretend we're back at sea. A pirate and a privateer. But I can't pretend anything else, Mora. Not when you're worth everything to me, not when I'm the one trying to be worthy of you."

Words escaped her, there was no way of describing the sun and making it justice. No way to describe the way it burned in blissful agony with every touch, the way it lighted her whole world and balanced the shadows. So Morana poured her soul into a kiss, grabbing his shirt and pulling him to her, crashing her lips against his, kissing him like a woman in love, because at this point what good was it to pretend otherwise?

Nikolai took a mere second to kiss her back just as fiercely, groaning into her mouth when she tugged at the roots of his hair. The two of them stumbled through the room, drowning in each other and willingly pushing away lifelines.

One second they were standing and the other Morana was falling onto the mattress of his bed and Nikolai was hovering above her, hunger in his eyes, a grin on his lips. "If we're pretending we're back at sea, will you be screaming my name or Sturmhond's?"

The blush that crept up her neck had Morana biting her lip as she looked up at the King of Ravka, her privateer. "Don't be crude, Captain, you're starting to sound like a pirate."

"We wouldn't want that," he said, smiling as he lowered his face to her neck, kissing a trail down her throat to the skin exposed by the open buttons on the top of her shirt. His tongue grazed her collar bone and Morana let out a sigh. "Which will it be, Mora? Sturmhond or Nikolai?"

"Sturmhond is a dog's name," she said breathlessly as his hands found their way under her shirt, one splayed over her lower back the other inching upwards, his thumb grazing her rib cage softly.

"A rather dangerous dog," he said, lifting his head and looking down at her, a smirk on his face.

"Or an overcompensating one."

"Are you calling me a dog?"

"Are you admitting to overcompensating for something?"

Nikolai grinned and her heart beat faster at the loving look in his eyes. "You're devastating did you know that?"

"You're deflecting, Nikolai," said Morana with a smirk, "Now just what are you overcompensating for?"

"Would you like to see?"

"Do you happen to have a magnifying glass?" she asked and Nikolai let out a laugh, a laugh free of worries, wholehearted, beautiful.

"Devastating," he echoed, leaning down to kiss her again, slanting his head as he deepened the kiss, making a moan leave her lips.

The flicker of candlelight cast dancing shadows across their faces, their bodies, and their hands found each other, fingers interlacing in a tender embrace. She felt his warmth, his strength, his unspoken desire. His unspoken love. His touch sent shivers down her spine, igniting a flame deep within her.

They leaned in, again, their lips meeting in a gentle kiss, the heat of their passion building with each passing moment. With Nikolai, it was easy to forget the world outside his room, the war raging from outside the walls, the problems at every corner. With Nikolai, it was the easiest thing to feel loved and wanted. Because she was poison and he didn't shy away from her, getting drunk on her poison and begging for more.

As the night wore on, their bodies moved as one, their hearts beating in unison. At that moment, nothing else mattered but them. Pretending they were back at sea, pretending that nothing could keep them apart, but far from pretending that the love that burned so brightly between them wasn't true. Because it was. And Morana was simultaneously drowning and burning in it and she yearned for more.

His name left her lips like a prayer. Her name left his like a plead, like he was finding religion in the crooks of her body. His hands, his body, worshipped her very being until all she could feel was his love spreading through every last nerve in her body. And then, as she felt her mind returning to her body, he wrapped his arms around her, both breathing heavily, hearts beating wildly, and kissed the top of her head.

They lay in bed, tangled in each other, covered by the cotton bedsheets. Morana's head lay on Nikolai's chest as she heard his heart started to beat steadily, peacefully, telling her everything would be alright. His fingers ran up and down her bare back, tracing her spine and Morana smiled at the blissful moment, not wanting to let go, not wanting to think about the sun that was about to start rising, telling them, they needed to go.

"You feel like home," Morana whispered as traced the muscles in his stomach.

"You are home," Nikolai replied, his voice a low, soothing rumble. "Wherever we are together, that's home."

"I have to leave, Nikolai," she said. But did she? Couldn't she just stay in his arms forever? Where it was safe? Where it was home?

"Why?" he asked, his voice verging on a plead.

Morana closed her eyes, listening to the sound of his heart as she answered, "I... you're the king here, Nikolai. And when I'm not at sea I'm no one, I'm nothing, I'm just the worst parts of me. What good could I be for you? You need someone with power at your side, not someone who doesn't exist in this world, who has no power to help you—"

Nikolai cut her off as he flipped them around, and hovered above her with a clenched jaw. "You're not nothing, you're my everything, Morana. And if the reason you're leaving is that I need someone powerful by my side then I don't know what to tell you because you're the most powerful person I know, Mora. Please stop putting yourself down. Stop making yourself less than because you're everything. And I will spend the rest of my life making sure you know that. That's how hopelessly devoted I am to you."

"Your devotion should lie with your country, your future wife," said Morana.

"It does," he replied simply, lips forming a full smile.

"Nikolai—"

He cut her off with a kiss and pulled away a grin on his lips that made an involuntary smile grow on her face. "We're pretending, Mora. A haven until morning. We're back at sea."

Morana looked up into his eyes and the words tumbled from her lips before she could stop herself from speaking, from giving herself yet another reason to stay. "I love you," she said, her voice barely above a whisper and his lips broke into a breathtaking smile.

"Are you pretending?"

"I couldn't pretend that."

He crashed his lips to her, stealing away any bit of her heart she still had left, burning her resolve to ashes because after this night it would be torture to leave him. He'd said he'd fix everything, that he wouldn't let her go and for the first time, Morana was willing to dive head first, take a leap of faith, and trust him with her heart because it wasn't really hers anymore.

"I love you," he whispered against her lips, "I'm not letting you go, darling."

"I know," she muttered before pulling him down to her again and drowning in the feel of him, drowning in his love.

She'd been wrong when she said whatever they had stayed in the ocean. What they had didn't have borders, didn't have limits. Nikolai was right, home was where they were together.

The ocean was her haven, but Nikolai was her home, and she was ready to fight alongside him through shadows and light, so she could stay by his side, and certainly not as a mistress.

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