Story by taketheavocado

Review by MiniMoxx

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Blurb

Childhood lovers Juliette Markey and Everett O'Hara were inseparable - until the day they weren't.

Link to story ➼

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𓋼 Review 𓋼
𓋼 Cover/blurb 𓋼

The cover is nice and sleek, the colour on the font I actually really love. Unfortunately, there's no blurb. A blurb is meant to tell us about the plot, characters and give us an insight into what we're reading. Yours is currently just one line, and while it gives us something little, it tells us nothing. Are the characters male/female, are they turning into enemies or lovers? What's the plot? I'd suggest reading some blurbs around Wattpad and in publishing to get a feel for what they're meant to be about and reflecting that on yours. It would bring more readers in if they know what they're reading!

That extended summary in the notes? That's the blurb. Put that on the summary section. That's what people will read and want to know more about.

Just as another note: the drunken night, I'm assuming is a one night stand? If that is the case, Wattpad guidelines have changed. We don't know the character's ages in what I've read. If they are under 18, you can't allude to this at all. I'm assuming they are 18, but make sure to check the new guidelines around minors romance, as you've marked this a teen romance.

Off side of this, I would honestly consider taking the epigraph out. You could maybe have it at the very beginning of chapter one before it starts. A lot of people skip these chapters on Wattpad, and they seem irrelevant for such a short line. If you're after people reading it, I'd pop it just before the narration starts on chapter 1.

𓋼 Chapter 1/hook 𓋼

The first sentence is interesting, but I feel like it could be more active. Maybe bring in an analogy of the jackets. For example, are the jackets blue? If so you could bring in an analogy about how they're a sea of jackets or something. Just something to really pull a reader in. Then you could go onto the slamming locker.

The overall hook in chapter 1: I like the first half where they're talking, but I think the second half of the chapter ruins the hook for me. Here's why - backstory IS GREAT. It's also vital backstory. However, it doesn't need to be in such great detail in chapter 1. This whole second half is really massive exposition and I think it would turn a lot of readers off. What instead might be an idea, especially for Wattpad, is to have the backstory woven in with present action. It would be such a more gripping hook. In chapter 1, you want the meat of the story - so if you're doing a strangers to lovers story example, you want those 2 future lovers meeting. Something BAM in there; what makes today different. You have part of that here, I just think the backstory can be saved for later. Even some of it dripped in. That line "There was a time I thought I loved..." is a brilliant one. That could be the carrot for example; drop it, maybe add SOME info, and then leave us wanting more backstory so we turn the page and chapter. So then that leaves the rest of chapter 1 to have a little more meat and action (even if it's just something simple like meeting a friend and moaning about him)

𓋼 Plot 𓋼 

I feel like I don't know what the plot is yet. I'm not expecting to have a magic ball and know everything, but I feel like even into chapter 2 I should know what the vague idea is. I'm torn between 'is this a slice of life' and 'is this a romance'? Part of that comes down to there not being a blurb, so I went in, I wasn't sure if the 2 characters were friends going into enemies, or whether they were enemies and WERE friends. I'm not sure where this is leading right now. While the characterisation is going okay, I feel like it's not enough to know what genre this is from the writing and blurb alone.

There's a LOT of backstory, a LOT of exposition and not enough 'action'. The family scene in chapter 2 is WONDERFUL, but because it was preceded with a long winded backstory, I find myself somewhat going 'huh, I just want the meat of this story' if you see what I mean.

𓋼 Grammar 𓋼

In some places, there are action tags being used with commas (eg: 'he snaps his fingers.). Snapping fingers is an action tag (aka a dialogue tag is how you say a sentence) and therefor would need to be formatted like this: "...I forgot[.]" He snaps his fingers." followed by a full stop at the end, like this: "...invaluable[.] "You're not..." etc. Or you could use em-dashes if the sentence is continuing, but the He snaps needs to still be a capital letter.

Also the same down a few lines with "his eyes gleam." No comma there <3

There are a couple of minor spelling errors in chapter 2, 'stuff' instead of 'stiff' for example.

Some sentences are extremely long and could do with breaking up. Some also repeat things like: "and then it gone, and the smirk..." Though technically it's fine, I would take one of the ands out so it doesn't read so awkwardly.

The dialogue sometimes (and especially in chapter 2 where they have an argument) feels a little awkward in my opinion. Sometimes it's really long winded, which for example, when you're in a moment of pure anger it would more likely be short, stunted and sometimes more stuttery and people trip up on words.

𓋼 Specifics - Characters 𓋼

The character of Juliette is characterised well. I think you've done a great job of bringing her to life so far. My only critique somewhat is that I feel like I'm not seeing a lot of the world through her eyes. There lacks some descriptions, and some emotions from her. I think that's partly to do with the story right now. For example, her confusion and upset at the end of chapter 2 is just told to us, it doesn't feel like SHE is showing us how she's feeling. The backstory is told and not shown as much as it could, which makes her less of a real human if you see what I mean.

I feel like I don't know any other character so far, which to an extent you've only written 2 chapters, so I don't expect to know anyone like an old friend, but I think we could get to know more about the male lead (Everett) through the showing (suggestions above about backstory). Again though I think this story is so new, I'm not expecting A LOT right now.

Overall: I really really like the premise of this so far: the teens who aren't friends anymore potentially coming back together. The depression side of the story is amazing too for realism. Juliette's character is coming along well. I think with some tidying up and moving around it could work even better! I really hope this helps! 

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Disclaimer

Don't forget that liking a story, characters, cover, etc, is subjective. Our reviewers try their best to give constructive and honest feedback.