Story by written_by_ec

Review by EvelynYvette

𓍊𓋼𓍊 𓆏 𓍊𓋼𓍊

Blurb

Elvenia Foster is a Rhosewen Folk, living in the Naim lands of the Elowen Forest, knowing to stay away from the Peregrine Border and the Naga lands, where the Lamia Folks live... But lately, odd things have been occurring in Naim; blackened and dying creatures, a message written in blood, and the drowning of Elvenia's ex-lover. Her people are quick to blame their enemies, the Lamia Folks, but Elvenia isn't so sure. Blamed and labelled as a traitor, she travels to the Naga lands to confirm that they are the reason for the tragdies happening in Naim, but then she meets Dante D'Arey. Surrounded with a new world to learn, a dark past to uncover, and solving the mystery of what's happening to Naim-Elvenia will have to forge bonds with the Lamia Folks, the people she was taught to never trust.

Link to story ➼

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𓋼 Review 𓋼

1) I loved the mythos that was laid out in the beginning, it's quite nice! I feel it's given the world such a grimdark feeling. A small note on this is the misuse (correct me if I'm wrong) of the word thrall. I think it should be "in thrall" if you mean under a spell/hypnotized. Either Way, it's an excellent opening and I love it.

2) As a reader I am a huge fan of descriptions visually, and I think you do a great bit of that with the people in Elvenia's world. I will say that I think that it could be drawn out a bit, and maybe the descriptions weaved into the storytelling. Perhaps Linden's skin is tanned from all the time that she spent outside? Maybe her golden hair is tied in a braid to keep it from getting into her eyes as she played outside with Sparrow. This is also applicable to the descriptions of Elvenia as she's leaving, maybe she is wrapping up her hair as she is leaving the home/speaking to her grandma before the hunt!

3) I believe there's some misuses of words within the first couple of paragraphs, such as savaging vs salvaging, and leering vs leaning/rocking. I believe if you are trying to add more flavor/variety to your words, a website such as word hippo I think would be helpful. This website helps find synonyms that we may have not thought of.

Link to Site ➼

4) I really love the visual descriptions here! The sun peaking through the trees is a really nice touch, and I can see that some of the aforementioned issues I had seen earlier are not present here.

5) It's very common to use the word "suddenly" to interrupt or depict a sudden change in the flow of the plot. However, I think what would be good is to depict the actions she's doing to hunt and how meditative it is for her, then she/the reader is interrupted. Typically hunters are very quiet people, so it would make sense for me as a reader she starts making a setup for hunting deer, where her thoughts or humming is interrupted by cries.

          𓍊𓋼𓍊 Example of how I might say it: "Away from the other Rhoswen Folks and as she prepared for hunt, Elvenia began laying down the bait near a pond in the forest. She threw down the [whatever you use to hunt deer] to bring them close. She began to hum during this meditative practice, recalling a song her mother once taught her.
                    [song lyrics](I believe mid sentence here you could even cut off the song)--

          𓍊𓋼𓍊 –a sharp cry rang out through the trees.

6) I loved the prayer in the killing of the deer, it would be even better if she had a token representing the gods that she touched, and cementing the representation of her faith. Very nice touch here!

7) I think that we can draw out both the scene of Elvenia finding the deer and the black plague overtaking the deer. Elvenia is a hunter, and therefore needs to have foresight into what type of situation she's in. A dying deer is sure to attract predators/so I think some caution is warranted.

8) Additionally with the black plague, this is a really pivotal moment in the story and sets the tone for the next couple of scenes. A vivid description of the plague/infection would be amazing so the reader can be really scared/upset with Elvenia. Does it bubble up? Smell? How does it travel up the body of the deer as if it's a spider web? Does the corpse concave and disintegrate? How can we make this a really intense moment for the reader and Elvenia?

9) There's some modern phrases being used such as "fall out" in reference to the dead friendship, and "shitting me" in terms of noting disbelief. These particular phases take me a bit out of the immersion of the story. I think this would be a prime opportunity to reinforce the faith of the town. Maybe they use a term that's particular to their town/language/faith that adds to the worldbuilding.

10) For the description of Rhowenish, I think it would be helpful to just have it in italics instead of the diacritics.

11) With the flashback to her grandma telling her the story, I think you need to tell us as readers that she is six or add the similar scene break that you at the end of the scene at the top!

𓋼 Pros 𓋼

1) I think the lore and the worldbuilding is shaping up great for this story, I feel that the bits of lore that I am getting throughout the story is really enforcing the grimdark fantasy feeling.

2) Additionally I liked a lot that the set cast all had their special relationship with Elvenia, it made me want to see what was in store for them and how their relationships would develop over time.

3) Some of the descriptions are amazing, and paint the picture of the world. I can envision where things are with ease and its helpful for me as a reader. 

𓋼 Areas of Improvement 𓋼

1) I believe there may be multiple misuses of words here, and I think you could take a little bit of time to ensure they are being used correctly, I think a tool such as Grammarly or Wordtune would be helpful in catching those things for you!

2) I think we could use more physical descriptions and allegories at pivotal moments, and to adjust the descriptions to give a dynamic flair for the characters. For me as a reader it felt like the characters weren't interacting with the world as much as they should. Little mannerisms interacting with the world (such as pushing branches aside, stirring a pot, items in relation to faith) similar to Elvenia's ring anxiety I think would add a bit of roundness to the story to make it feel fully cohesive.

3) I also think the dialogue could be reworded a bit to support a fantasy environment, such as referencing towns over, families and other inhabitants of the town. This would bolster the dialogue to have it flow seamlessly within the medieval-like setting you've portrayed.

Thank you for letting me read! 

𓍊𓋼𓍊 𓆏 𓍊𓋼𓍊

Disclaimer

Don't forget that liking a story, characters, cover, etc, is subjective. Our reviewers try their best to give constructive and honest feedback.