Story by erikonthemoon

Review by MiniMoxx

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Blurb

"I hate the way you smile when you see my paintings."
"I hate that you can't see your paintings are beautiful"

Jupiter is a struggling writer with a talent for killing things he finds beautiful. From the plants in his room to the relationships of his past. The only lasting friendship he has is the one with Will, an artist and a trustfund baby whose continuously struggling to stay out of his father's shadow.

When Jupiter admits his struggle with his own writing, Will brings him to the one place where there is an abundance of inspiration for him to draw from. An artstudio filled with overflowing with creatives.

Here he meets new friends, sees new places, and meets Mars, a painter who seems to haunt Jupiter like nothing else has.

Link to story ➼

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𓋼 Review 𓋼
𓋼 Blurb/Cover 𓋼

. The cover doesn't scream romance to me. It screams thriller or horror. There's nothing wrong with a dark cover with just one character on, but you may want to look again at your genre and typical romance covers. The font however is great with placements etc.

. The blurb has a slight issue with spacing with words stuck together. I'm also not sure that this story is a romance from the blurb, it feels more slice of life/drama rather than a romance. If you're looking at this being a romance main genre, I'd consider alluding more to a romance a bit more. I think the blurb could also use a bit more 'oomph'; right now, it is focused on just introducing characters rather than a plot - I think this comes back to my point about romance. I honestly couldn't tell you what the plot point is from this blurb, other than it's about Jupiter and art.

. I would honestly take out those 2 quotes from the blurb, it doesn't tell us much or do anything to lift the blurb.

𓋼 Chapter 1 and Hook 𓋼

. The beginning of chapter 1 is HOOKING. The description is lovely, and really engaging. There's a few awkward moments that could be reworked (a hatred intensified sentence sounds awkward to me, and the flora sentence could be split up with punctuation for example), however it's hooking as is.

. The moment where we talk about Alejo and "the best night of your life" feels a little off to me; I think it might be a grammar/punctuation thing, but it felt so random in the middle of the sentence.

. The middle of the chapter is introducing Will and their living situation. I'm going to be honest, it dragged a little for me. It was one big description and someone offering breakfast. I wonder if you could skip this entire paragraph. There doesn't feel like a hook here.

. Reading on, there wasn't much of a hook in the later part of the chapter, it skipped around in time a lot (the part where there were girls coming out of the club confused me - did you miss a paragraph break, or is this late at night?) and there wasn't much going on. A lot of conversation happened which could've happened later on, for example, and things being described that didn't feel relevant.

. When looking at chapter 1 in any genre, and for writing for online/Wattpad, you want something action-y happening. Looking at a standard romance book, you want the two love interests meeting, BUT you also want something BIG happening. For example, someone crashes a wedding, or maybe in this book (example) Jupiter meets Will in a club and they make out and fireworks happen between them.

Right now, it's "the morning after" and a lot about plants and cigarettes, not much happening.

𓋼 Plot 𓋼

. I'm assuming from the narration that Will and Jupiter are the main love interests, but I don't know much about them. The blurb doesn't really give us a clue who the main characters are, other than Jupiter. From the first chapters I don't know what they look like, what the main plot point is and where we're going from here.

. The plot doesn't feel like it's really going anywhere right now, in terms of the characters and their arc. It feels very slow and disjointed. I think having a focus on your main genre will help here (more on that later in my review)

. Pacing (more on this below) will really help the plot. That also feels a little disjointed to me, and I think knowing where you're going will really help hone in on the plot and bring it out a bit more.

. I'm focusing on romance because in your form for the review you said this was a main genre romance, and for me, this doesn't quite work as a romance (main genre) right now. To me, this is reading like a general fiction. There's no chemistry between the characters (no description of them, no attraction etc all of which is crucial even on chapter 1, even if it's enemies chemistry or attraction). So for me this would be a story about art, which is fine if that's what you're going for.

𓋼 Pacing 𓋼

. The pacing felt a little slow most of the time, but at times it also really worked. Your descriptions are amazing; the wording is on point. However, as mentioned above sometimes the pacing is so slow with almost what I find is wasted moments where you can skip things and move forward.

. It also seems fast in some places, mainly where there's a lot of dialogue because there seems to be minimal to no emotions involved in the narration. You mentioned in the form that this is a romance, and one of the MAIN and most important things in a romance book is the emotion. Love IS an emotion and love makes us feel so many emotions that it HAS to take main stage. Taking time out in the narration to make small moments big with emotions is going to really help with the pacing. It'll slow it down, but in a romance, we need those moments because something as small as a look can really amp up the romantic chemistry, which is needed in this kind of story.

. I know my advice is a little contradictory here, but it's quite a contradictory thing haha. You want slow pace to build the romantic chemistry but a fast pace in things like getting to the point (think: do we NEED to know what every part of the apartment looks like, or about plants or the girls coming out of the club? That kinda thing)

𓋼 Grammar 𓋼

. There are a few odd places like capitalised words where there shouldn't be (Lavender in chapter 1 for example) and some awkward, or long sentences. (the sentences pointed out in chapter 1/hook para above).

. The tenses sometimes get caught up; you tend to write in 3rd person, however sometimes it slips into first person (chapter 1 "it tastes"). I noticed this happen a lot too. This can be really difficult to get your head around; the way I used to work through it is reading out loud, and it would usually become obvious where the tenses are mixed up.

. The action tags and dialogue tags get mixed up. (example: chapter 1: ...some breakfast," Will leaned) - this example is an action tag, which means it's not describing HOW a sentence is said. This means it needs to have a full stop at the end of the dialogue, not a comma. A dialogue tag would be things like said, moaned, whined, replied, and would need that comma.

. There is one word Piter, which i assume is a nickname, but it's never translated in narration or explained why he's suddenly called that instead of Jupiter. Does he mind it? Does it make him feel good? Has anyone else called him that in the past? Some nicknames people loathe because of previous trauma or an ex or whatever. I wonder if there could be a line added in somewhere to explain this. But also (and my main reason for bringing it up here), when you're mentioning a name like this, you need a comma before and after: example: "Follow me[,] Piter[,] and don't touch anything." Piter here is the subject, so it needs the comma each side.

𓋼 Specifics - Reader Engagement 𓋼

. I must admit I had a bit of trouble thinking about reader engagement. This is because I had trouble being engaged with the story so far. That is because I didn't know your genre, and I didn't know where the story was going right now. I've harped on about genre multiple times within the review, so all I won't again until my sum up.

HOWEVER what I found great with your writing are the descriptions. There are times where the descriptions REALLY SHINE and I think honing in on your story and putting those descriptions in the right places will work SO WELL. Turn those random moments of unnecessary slow pacing and turn them into characters, chemistry and moments will really work; those descriptions will make wonderful moments.

. Leading on to my suggestions: 1) focus on your genre, work out where you're going with it and read up more on it to know how to pace and work your writing. 2) change up the pacing - turn those unnecessary moments into the focus and important parts, get that hook right on chapter 1 so we can really get to the plot of the story. 3) read up on dialogue/action tags and pacing

I hope this review helps! 

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Disclaimer

Don't forget that liking a story, characters, cover, etc, is subjective. Our reviewers try their best to give constructive and honest feedback.