Story by LittleCat_Kat

Review by CrownedMadness

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Blurb

In a world where ancient traditions meet cutting-edge technology, Akira and Huan are on separate paths that fate is about to intertwine.

Akira has always lived in the shadow of his clan's expectations. As the heir apparent, he's been groomed to lead, but beneath his calm facade, he's yearning for something more-something personal. When he joins the elite training academy SSE, he finds himself on a journey not just to hone his skills but to find something that's always excited him-love.

Huan, on the other hand, knows only darkness. Disowned by his father and forced into an unimaginable life by his mother, he escapes his torment by spilling blood-the blood of those who should have protected him. Now, on the run with his younger brother, Huan arrives at SSE hoping to find peace, but ends up plotting revenge against the clan that abandoned him.

Their paths meet in a world teeming with ancient magic and technology. Akira seeks a love that will set him free, while Huan hungers for revenge that will finally give him closure.

Link to story ➼

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𓋼 Review 𓋼

𓋼 CONCEPT 𓋼

The concept of tradition meets technology within the xianxia genre makes a unique fusion of fantasy and sci-fi. Moreover, the central theme of romance adds appeal to a broader audience.

The plot revolves around the personal growth of Akira and Huan, with Akira embodying a sort of Chosen One archetype trying to fulfill his destiny, and Huan driven by vengeance against his former clan, adding the Revenge trope and a possible redemption arc to the storyline. The story also explores themes of love, family, and found family, and the contrasting personalities of Huan and Akira create an engaging "opposites attract" dynamic.

Overall, the plot is well-thought-out and multifaceted.

𓋼 EXECUTION 𓋼

𓋼 PROSE:

Although this is a third-person narration, I must say the writing is evocative. There are a lot of well-written scenes that completely immersed me in the story.

I only have some suggestions related to the descriptions and dialogue.

You tend to rely heavily on elaborate physical descriptions for character details, which becomes repetitive when used to introduce every character similarly and as descriptive tags. I'd suggest only describing any distinct feature (that's substantial to the story). For example, you had the right idea when you mentioned Akira's long hair because it's a unique personal choice and a feature that sets Akira apart. Now, another way to add character detail is emotional characteristics, such as Akira's reticence.

Sometimes, the descriptions lack linearity, which hinders the active narration. For example, "But just as he did, the creature—a terrifying Oni with long bony limbs and a gnarled face with two jagged teeth—pinned Muichiro down." Here, the description of the Oni interrupts the active flow of the narrative. It's important to be aware that the placement of the description adds to the narration, allowing the reader to visualize the action. Remember, there's usually an order to things, even when they happen simultaneously.

The narrative also contains some repetitive elements, particularly when describing internal thoughts and emotions, such as Huan's worries and anxieties. For example, "his mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and worries," "mind raced with various scenarios and worries," etc. which rely on telling to inform readers of his mental state. To avoid repetition, you could vary the language and introduce new details to convey emotions effectively, which will help maintain the reader's engagement.

The dialogues are well done on their own, but the tags could be improved. When using dialogue tags, especially adverbial, you're essentially telling the readers how/what to feel. Therefore, the tags should provide clarity and add variety for engagement. For example, ""Where are we...?" he asked, his voice frightened." Here, the tag and tone description is redundant, especially since you mentioned his fright in the same paragraph. I suggest letting the dialogue speak for itself and using tags sparingly and only when necessary to avoid redundancy. Particularly, minimize the use of "replied" and "asked," especially in a conversation between two characters, since this is inferred from the dialogue itself.

Keeping aside these points, the prose is vivid and imaginative. The narrator's voice is descriptive and engaging. The pacing of the plot is well executed. However, I think that refining the chapter structuring to include a stronger start-middle-end format could enhance engagement and impact even further. For example, the first half of the prologue is well-crafted in this format. You nicely connected the koto at the beginning to the ending, almost creating a circular structure, and introduced a significant point to the readers.

Nonetheless, kudos! I particularly appreciated the story-within-a-story involving Senren and the fox, which seems to be sort of parallelling Akira and Huan. Overall, the plot development is wonderful and thoughtful.

𓋼 WORLD-BUILDING:

The way you've brought together heritage and modernity in your worldbuilding is beautiful. The coexistence of these elements is inspiring, and the blend of spirituality and technology is a fascinating concept. I could sense that you've put effort into researching the ethnic backgrounds for each sect/clan. Overall, well done!

However, there's room to enhance the storytelling by including more setting descriptions. For example, when Huan visits Japan for the first time, or at least SSE, providing more insight into the surroundings would help readers better imagine the world. Similarly, when Akira walks toward his room, it'd be a good moment to show the immensity of SSE, but the setting is skipped. Adding these details would improve the overall reading experience; moreover, the setting descriptions help orient the characters, especially when introduced together.

𓋼 CHARACTERS:

The characterizations are well done. Each one of them is diverse and distinct. However, I feel that the character introductions could be improved, particularly in scenes with a large number of characters. For example, in Chapter 1 Part 1, I found it challenging to keep track of the characters as several names were introduced (some without much context, too) at an overwhelming rate. Sometimes, I struggled to understand the connection between them, for example, Zhao Zhan and Akira.

Otherwise, the character dynamics are well done. The intimate brotherly bond between Huan and Nian, the complex family dynamics of Akira, the budding alliance between Huan and Akira, and the friendship of Marcus and Huan are all impressively developed and thoughtfully crafted, each with its own distinct origin and unique characteristics.

Akira is a well-defined character with a convincing backstory that explains his personality. His goals are realistic, and in some ways, he's endearing in his struggle to communicate. His gentle nature, contrasting with Huan's toughness, creates an interesting dynamic between them. Moreover, I appreciate that they aren't one-dimensional, as this dynamic shifts at times, especially when Akira embraces his inner warrior and Huan grapples with his past and weaknesses. So, kudos on that!

Similarly, Huan has a rich backstory, and the contrast between who he was and who he had to become is drastic, which will be interesting for readers to explore more. I sense that Akira and Huan both have emotional barriers, which will complicate their romantic dynamics. It will be interesting to see how they work things out.

Overall, great job! Just make sure to focus on the group scenes to make them less confusing for the readers. I recommend introducing your characters one by one, preferably through characteristic moments, and giving readers a chance to process the information. This will help prevent them from getting lost in the chaos.

𓋼 GRAMMAR AND READABILITY:

The areas to pay closer attention to are sentence structure and punctuation.

There are a couple of sentences that lack clarity and could be more concise. For example, "The mask, a symbol passed down to every Fujisawa head family member for generations, they usually get it on or after their eighteenth* birthday, was an object of both beauty and power."

Similarly, be mindful of run-on sentences, such as "The androids moved with precision, handling the task effortlessly, it moved from student to student, all the Cultural students had to do was show their Clan pass, they did so exuding an air of entitlement, not only that androids also handled their luggage."

I'd suggest breaking them into smaller, clearer sentences for better impact. Additionally, a friendly tip is to read out loud; it usually helps to identify if a sentence sounds odd or needs punctuation.

Correct use of punctuation can add clarity and precision, even allowing silent intonations and emphasis to your writing. For example, "Old photographs, yellowed with age, adorned the walls crookedly, and tattered furniture lay under sheets—ghosts of a past life." The em dash gives more emphasis on the phrase "ghosts of a past life" by setting it off from the rest of the sentence, unlike a comma.

The writing could also use some cleaning up of typos, such as "soaking" for "sokeing," "harsh" for "hursh," "...droplet sept..." (which I didn't understand), "cast" for "casted," etc.

Otherwise, the readability is decent. I couldn't find any distracting tense shifts or POV switches. The paragraph division is neat as well.

𓋼 PRESENTATION 𓋼

𓋼 TITLE:

Although the title didn't impact me at first, after reading, I realized it's a fitting title in terms of the book's theme. The word "tangled" suggests complexity, while "tradition and love" hint at the cultural customs, relationships, and emotions, which are the primary themes involved. The title undertones a focus on relationships and family dynamics, aligning with the romantic and family/clan-focused storylines.

𓋼 BOOK COVER:

The imagery aligns with the plot. However, I think combining the imagery into one by manipulating the two background images and adding the central figure would be more impactful than the current collage-like style. It would also be nice if some romantic elements were incorporated into the design, considering the focus on the Huan/Akira romance. The current typeface is illegible; I suggest enlarging the title font to the bottom-center as well as the author's name to the top for a more balanced look.

𓋼 BLURB:

The blurb is well-written, covering all the key factors of the book: introducing the protagonists, their central conflicts, and the potential romance. You've created a sense of intrigue by highlighting the differences between the characters that leave the reader wondering what might happen on the intertwining path, especially with their contrasting desires. So, kudos on that! However, if I'm nitpicking, there could be a better balance of intrigue and restraint in revealing plot details. Currently, it feels more summarizing than the sales pitch that a blurb should be. Perhaps consider reworking the blurb to not reveal too much of the plot, especially significant details that can be left for readers to discover within the story itself. Otherwise, great job!

𓋼 FIRST IMPRESSION (OPENING CHAPTER):

The opening paragraph is inviting and descriptive, setting the tone for the overall story and introducing the writing style. However, I think it may benefit from more inciting elements, such as distilling the central theme down to a sentence or introducing the stake or an unusual detail to grab the reader's attention immediately.

That being said, the first half of the prologue is well crafted, showcasing character diversity, introducing stakes, and using a descriptive writing style fitting for the fantasy genre. The intense sequences are skillfully delivered, conveying tension and foreboding.

Just be mindful of repetitive and redundant descriptions, but overall, the prologue is a good introduction to both Akira and Huan's background. Kudos!

On a side note, consider refining the formatting, such as the spacing used as dividers (which seems excessive) and the use of special fonts/characters for titles, as they may not display on all devices.

𓋼 ENJOYMENT QUOTIENT 𓋼

Despite some areas that could be improved, the story is engaging and immersive at its core. The vivid worldbuilding, compelling characters, and their dynamics captivate the reader. The concept of the kanji spirit, the intersection of spirituality and technology, cultural elements, and other intricate details add layers to the narrative, creating an all-round sophisticated story. Overall, there are a lot of compelling elements that will surely charm the audience and keep them eagerly turning the pages. Good job!

𓋼 BOTTOMLINE 𓋼

You specifically requested feedback on the world-building, pacing, and characters—I've given detailed feedback, but to summarize, you have a strong foundation; now, it's a matter of refining them to have a greater impact. This novel is a sort of "coming-of-age" in a world filled with ancient traditions and cyberpunk technology, appealing to fans of both fantasy and sci-fi, especially Chinese literature and boys' love.

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Disclaimer

Don't forget that liking a story, characters, cover, etc, is subjective. Our reviewers try their best to give constructive and honest feedback.