Story by wordenchanter

Review by written_by_ec

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Blurb

Forbidden Love, Hidden Agendas: A Heart-Pounding Suspense

Kabir's charade of love is a cruel game. He pushes Ridhima, the woman he pretends to adore, towards his enemy, Vansh. But as their paths intertwine, a forbidden love blossoms between Vansh and Ridhima, a love neither man anticipated.

Little do they know, Ridhima harbours a secret past. She's not just a pawn; she's a player in her own game. While Kabir weaves his web of deceit, Ridhima silently gathers evidence, uncovering the truth behind Vansh's father's death - a truth that points to a shocking culprit: Vansh's own stepmother.In a whirlwind of suspense and betrayal, Ridhima must choose. Will she expose the darkness at the heart of Vansh's family, or will she risk everything for the love that threatens to consume them both?Dive into a world of dangerous secrets and forbidden passion. Unmask the truth alongside Ridhima in this thrilling blend of suspense and romance.

Link to story ➼

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𓋼 Review 𓋼

Chapters read: 10

𓋼 First impression 𓋼

The desc is interesting and I find that it'll hook the readers from the start, kudos to the author! However, I do think you exposed too much info, maybe you shouldn't tell the readers that Vansh's own stepmother killed his dad because it loses the mystery and gripping aspect. The readers would already know the ending, there's no plot twist if you tell them. 

The cover is okay, but the font seems a bit off and the participant badge can be an eyesore. 

9/10

𓋼 General 𓋼

The writing style is simplistic, but maybe too simple. A lot of readers like to visualize the words, like a scene or setting for instance, but you don't describe details. Maybe it would be better for your writing if you described scenes, settings, characters' features, etc. You could also use better adjectives to describe things—you tend to only use words like "good" or "bad" but you can extend your vocabulary, I suggest using a thesaurus.Grammar wise, you forget to use capitals at the beginning of sentences, there's a lack of periods and commas, plus you don't use quotations. 

For example, you say Child 1- Didi I want chocolates when it should be "Didi, I want chocolates," said the first child. Do you see the difference? Without quotations, it seems more of a playscript rather than a story. When you do use commas, there are spaces before and after the commas, only a space after the comma is needed. We started the story so abruptly, there's no description of the places or children. Readers don't know who the children are, they don't have names either, they're just Child 1 and Child 2. This part confuses me and I couldn't really tell what was happening between each scene. 

Another problem is that at least 30% of the first chapter was written in a foreign language. That's typically not a problem, but there was no translation, so I couldn't make sense of what was happening in the story. I didn't even realize the main character, Ridhima, was getting ready to go to a wedding until I saw the images. 

Your ideas are good, but they're all over the place and it's hard for me and perhaps other readers to piece together. 

Unfortunately, we also run into another issue—a lack of explanations. Before Chapter 2, readers have no idea of who Kabir is and the other side characters. They're not described and they just feel like floating names with no personality. We don't get the "flavour" of other characters, they're flat characters. Flat characters are when they have no defining role or are very 2D. We want round characters, characters who are more 3D and have a realistic feel to them. 

For example, Shreya should be able to have her own mind and make her own choices, etc. All characters mentioned in the story should have a purpose. I find Vansh to be a bit brash and arrogant for no reason in particular. Maybe it follows the "bad-boy-mafia-moody-book boyfriend" trope but it can also make readers dislike Vansh. Looking through some of the comments, readers also seem to agree that Vansh is easily disliked. Personally, I couldn't grasp his vain personality, but I did only read 10 chapters, so I hope for a character arc.

Kabir is much better, he really seems to care for Ridhima, which I do like. They make phone calls and their relationship is sweet. It's a bit strange he'd risk Ridhima's life to arrest Vansh, but I guess that's how mafia stories start. However, the only thing I would note is that we don't get a lot of descriptive in-person scenes with them to see their relationship grow. 

Plotwise, the plot really only picks up in Chapter 5. I wish more of the suspense factor was there, the plot seems very slow, but the scenes are fast-paced. It might sound odd, but there's just awkward pacing. On one hand, there's no drama that's worth hitting the "suspense factor" but on the other hand, there was a whole wedding that happened in the span of a chapter. Find the right pacing, something to keep the readers hooked throughout the duration. 

Most of the drama started in Chapter 6, but the story was already losing some of my interest. Also, how does the mafia family know Ridhima? A literal orphan and she only met Vansh once. I find it odd that she knows so much info about them, like all their names and personalities, and that one of them, Ishani, arrived with her. I feel like we skipped a scene because how did Ridhima know where they lived? How did Ishani, a family member of a presumably powerful mafia family, get Ridhima invited? I know it's a mafia romance, but there also needs to be logic here! I wish there was more explaining at least to reach a plausible scene switch. 

4/10

𓋼 Character development 𓋼

I know this might be painful to hear, but Ridhima wasn't much of a main character. Through reading the chapters, I tried to find pieces of personality, but it almost seemed she didn't have one. 

I think this is mainly a lack of description, readers just don't really know what kind of person Ridhima is. She's another flat character and I wish I could like her, but the truth is, I don't know who she truly is. She just gets some dialogue and we don't get much of her backstory either. The only thing I could get from her is that she is naive. She agrees to help Kabir arrest Vansh—a man she thinks is rude—when she just discovers he was hiding his real job from her. She didn't even say anything, she accepted her fate! I hope she does end up realizing the mafia's job is literally to murder people for money, it's not just a fancy and posh lifestyle. 

That's another thing to address, the mafia family just seems rich. Mafia gangsters answer to their boss, basically the father of the gang, because mafia gangs have an almost family dynamic to it. Ridhima should realize that she'd probably be in danger within Vansh's presence. Vansh says that Ridhima is "feisty and bold" but I couldn't wrap my head around it. Ridhima does seem like a good friend, always there for Shreya, but there's no character arc. 

As stated before, the whole idea and theme of Revengeful Love could be great, but I think the execution was lacking a lot of things.

5/10

𓋼 Summary for improvement 𓋼

𓋼 Be more descriptive with your writing style
𓋼 Fix grammar (use Grammarly for example)
𓋼 Use quotations!
𓋼 Find the right pacing
𓋼 If writing in a foreign language with English, please add a translation for the readers' sake
𓋼 Give more personality to characters. Especially Kabir, Vansh, & Ridhima
𓋼 More suspense factor will make it feel like a mafia story
𓋼 Plausible explanations and more explanations in general would be helpful

Overall, in my personal opinion, the story was a 4/10 read for me <3

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Disclaimer

Don't forget that liking a story, characters, cover, etc, is subjective. Our reviewers try their best to give constructive and honest feedback.