Story by rinaXhazurina

Review by Coco_da_cat

𓍊𓋼𓍊 𓆏 𓍊𓋼𓍊

Blurb

"Beware that you become not the very monster you ought to slay."

A shapeless, abstract entity of darkness in the guise of a human. 

A broken swordsman.

A spoiled brat who can manipulate electricity.

An unhinged fire-breathing boy.

A magic-less girl whose very existence defies the Laws of Enchantmency.

In a world where magic is just as life's necessity as air, there is still no telling where fate determines your place will be.

When the Cardinal Empire of Nyrhaea sent forth its declaration of war, there was only one way to stop the raging bull: you grab it by its horns. Hence, Nyrhaean refugee Zakuro, with a group of graduating human youngsters, faces the dark forces head-on to stop the fated apocalyptic world war while dealing with the complications of entering adulthood.

With the grotesque inside him growing hungrier, threatening him of the looming day he would fulfill destiny's bidding to be the key to the end of the world, the entity resorts to a selenophile girl who could only be his last hope to achieve freedom from the chains of fate. An antidote not without a soul-costing price. But how long can he endure to bury the roots of the calling past?

And what are they willing to risk to save a world that hangs in the state of trust, relationship, and sanity?

Link to story ➼

𓍊𓋼𓍊 𓆏 𓍊𓋼𓍊

𓋼 Review 𓋼

𓋼 Cover/Title 𓋼

4/5

Looking deeper into the title, Èlan means enthusiastic. The reader can infer that this story is about a new world, and some form of enthusiasm is integrated into it. We do not get a lot of information from the title though, and it holds very general ideas.

Looking at the cover, we can see facts proving a new world, and warriors. They have powers, and with interesting colors, they make the cover eye-catching, and seeing these new properties, shows that the story will take place in an exciting environment.

𓋼 Grammar 𓋼

4.5/5

There are a few minor spelling errors, but nothing a quick once-over can't fix. 

𓋼 Enjoyment 𓋼

5/10

 There were some chapters, especially at the beginning where it was quite slow. There was action, but at times, it wasn't thoroughly described. It seemed that for all the intense scenes, there was an equal amount of slow scenes where you were introducing things or trying to smooth something out. I just can't do well with slower-paced stories. Of course, this will be different for other people, and you should take my suggestions with a grain of salt.

𓋼 Flow 𓋼

8/10

The first chapter flowed nicely. The characters each had their time to shine as you introduced them, and then once all that was settled, the climax was fun to read. Not too fast-paced, and it left an air of mystery and questions.

The second chapter's flow was nice, but there were areas where it was a little difficult to understand. This could just be me, but it did seem abrupt how Kayne was able to formulate a plan to stop the antagonist so quickly, and some areas did appear to jump around a little bit. For example, they were struggling against the antagonist a lot, but the fight did seem to wrap up rather quickly.

The first sneak peek chapter had a much better flow than the previous chapters. Everything went smoothly, and I think a major point in this was fleshing out conversations. I did notice an increase in dialogue as compared to previous chapters, and having the characters interact with each other offers a variety of benefits. We got a better sense of the characters and the world, and the story moved along at a much more enjoyable pace this way.

The second sneak peek chapter flowed nicely, but it was a little slow. The first section where they were talking about Hiro and the meteor shower was great, but then when they went to fish him out, I felt like it slowed down a little bit. I comment on this later, but it gets repetitive as Colt keeps demanding his money, and the protagonists keep trying to get out of it. Stating this once and moving on could help the flow a little.

In the third sneak peek chapter, there is a point where you talk about Cazzie's smile disappearing, but Hiro developing a "guilty smile". I had to reread this part a few times because the narration was a little funky. I wasn't sure who the smiles belonged to. Rephrasing it like "Cazzie turned to him again, head tilted to the side, her smile gone. A guilty smile plastered stupidly on Hiro's long face again," could be better. A few paragraphs later, you say that Hiro was "down on his fourth chocolate bar". I feel like this could be better if it was written along the lines of "Hiro was already downing his fourth chocolate bar,". Apart from that, the flow was reasonable, but I feel the part where the object crashed, it could have been fleshed out more.

𓋼 Hook/Blurb 𓋼

8.5/10

The first sentence of the blurb stating that there is a "monster", and that you could become one of them is good at drawing the reader in. It shows that there is conflict. Then, I'm assuming you are introducing the characters. We already saw hints of them on the cover, but you now introduce some of their talents and personalities. The characters have contrasts and powers. All of these combined will show that it will be an engaging read. Talking about some deeper beliefs such as fate, and how magic is integrated into life can further support the points for a great read.

Writing about war, and a group of people attempting to stop it with their problems (such as adulthood) can personally affect the reader, and it's a war. Wars aren't boring. A few paragraphs down though, you use "grotesque". Interesting word, but I think you used it in the wrong way. It seems to be used as a noun which appears to be incorrect in this sentence. Moving on from that, seeing that there's something "in" Zakuro, something that could destroy him, many emotions can branch off from that. Even though it's been used before, it's an interesting way to introduce conflict, and having conflict shown instantly is a wonderful tool to write a good hook.

You start off the story quite interesting, essentially saying that no one can be smart, but it seems to draw away from ideas mentioned in the blurb. The next paragraph doesn't connect with these ideas. I'm not saying to remove the paragraph, because starting with some deeper thoughts can be good, but doing a little revising to make it all tie in could be beneficial. Then, you go into chess. You connect some other abstract thoughts that tie into the game, but two people playing chess doesn't make for the best hook. 

𓋼 Plot 𓋼

9/10

The first chapter started a little slow, but I understand why you need it there to introduce the characters. The scene at the end where Cazzie was taken was well done, and it was exciting to read how all the characters were reacting to that event. It gave us more about their personalities and was able to introduce some conflict to kick off things. I do like where the story is going, as Cazzie being taken seemed to have caused a big uproar in the group and led to conflict and battle.

In the first sneak peek chapter, it was interesting to see what was happening between Zakair and the mystery girl. I also love how you fleshed out the chess scene. It allowed us to get a much better view of Zakair and Kayne than the first two chapters were able to do, and it was enjoyable to read Zakair's thought process throughout that.

In the second sneak peek chapter, it was interesting to see how you set up the scene for the meteor shower. Showing us the fighting cages, and how they fished Hiro out was interesting, but there were points where it seemed to drag a little. There wasn't much happening in the chapter.

In the third sneak peek chapter, the meteor shower was quite interesting to read. I like how you were able to continue to tie the relations between the friends, and then what happened when the object crashed. There seemed to be quite a large build-up to the meteor shower, and the events that happened didn't disappoint.

𓋼 Worldbuilding 𓋼

6/10

In the first chapter, you can give us a good sense of the park through a beautiful description. It shows your skills to paint us a picture of the physical world. I also like the context that you added for the Greens Grandiose Galore.

You do describe these "Emergaea Mountains", and say how Ryeld's eyes match them. We have no other description of these mountains, and that's a fine place to include information about them right after. The same goes for Hiro's skin. I describe this in-depth in the character section, but you're throwing a phrase out there without any context.

Through the first two chapters, even though you do a good job describing what's there at the moment, I feel like details about the actual world are lacking. We don't get a lot of information about what life is like where these people live or how they came about their powers. A great area of improvement would be to see where you can flesh out the background of the world more and give the story more life.

The first sneak peek chapter is great with the descriptions again. Even though it does lack in the more general worldbuilding that I pointed out before, there are improvements. You go into more detail about their world, and having the two characters talk about their future does well at setting the stage for future events and introducing the reader to these new aspects.

The second sneak peek chapter is better with worldbuilding. The description of the garden was great, and I love how you set up the fighting cages! You gave us an amazing view of the atmosphere there, set up the people, and gave us a great view of it from all angles. This was a well-done chapter in terms of worldbuilding.

In the third sneak peek chapter, you do beautifully with the descriptions, and you can set up the background of the world (specifically the Greens Grandiose Galore). This is much better than previous chapters, but try to keep including these nuggets of background information.

𓋼 Writing Style 𓋼 

6.5/10

You're great at writing descriptions, but something I picked up on was using exclamation points. If you pick up a published book, you'll see that exclamation points are used few and far between. I also used to struggle with this, but I use other tools such as body language or descriptions when communicating excitement or strong emotions. Sometimes, it's hard to get the idea across like that, and I'm not telling you to remove every single one and try to replace it, but work on showing, not telling especially these strong emotions. Building off that, there are also moments when all caps are used. This isn't a professional way to communicate emotions, and it's the same thing I pointed out with the exclamation points. Express these feelings by showing. I also saw a part where you use both a question mark and an exclamation point (a few paragraphs into the second chapter). Keep the question, and figure out how to communicate the excitement in another way.

There are also moments where the speech could be fleshed out. Sometimes it's just followed by "said". Write out how the characters are acting, and how their facial expressions are. It helps the reader envision the story much better.

I also noticed areas where you gave items personification. Wonderful use of the figure of speech, and it can help get those ideas across quite nicely! There is a point where Kayne and Ryeld are talking about wishes, and Kayne says something. There is a new dialogue paragraph after, but there is no dialogue tag. It should belong to Ryeld, but then Ryeld speaks in the next paragraph. I'm not sure who was speaking here.

You can write dialogue quite well as it seems realistic considering the circumstances, and you can write each character into their dialogue. We can see their differences depending on how they speak, and the same goes for how they talk with the antagonist and the emotions that surround that action.

In the first sneak peek chapter, I like how you space out the paragraphs to build suspense. Leaving certain details in certain paragraphs is a great tool, and I love how you used it! I also like how you incorporated Zakair's memories. Using inner conflicts and memories is another great writing tool, and it's good how you use it to help describe his feelings about the park. Yet, I noticed the same issue with exclamation points. Use other tools, and I also noticed a question and exclamation point. Stay away from using these types of punctuation.

In the second sneak peek chapter, I noticed the same punctuation as previously pointed out. Work on cutting back the exclamation points. Not too long after that, you say that Ryeld could "grip his phone in a pulp". Not sure what you're trying to say here. Watch how you are wording some things in this chapter. You also tell us that the characters are mad at Hiro, but you don't show it. Go into more detail about their body language and emotions to make it a more captivating scene. The same goes for when they track down Hiro. You use the exclamation points a lot. I also don't exactly understand how they knew he would be in the cage fighting. The ideas also got a little repetitive when they were negotiating with Colt. The same ideas and phrases kept coming up and circulating.

In the third sneak peek chapter, the issue with the exclamation points comes up again. Don't feel bad about it, because I think it would be relatively simple for you to fix these issues, because I've seen that you do great at descriptions. It's hard to fix this because most people do not understand the problem. There also seemed to be greater usage of stronger vocabulary words which is great for writing! Describing how the character reacts to Hiro's wish is also nicely done. When the object crashes down into the body, I feel like there could have been more description of the scene. There are a lot of people screaming and yelling, but not the actual scene the characters see. I also find it unrealistic that the officers arrived so fast unless they were already there, but that doesn't make much sense. Why would there need to be officers to supervise a meteor shower? I'm also not sure what you mean when you say a "stretch of teeth" reached for the constable's shoes when he tried to touch the object. I also do not understand what either the mahika or the ERIN is. You also describe something awakening, and Zakair getting thrown. This seemed to be a very hard impact and a hard toss, and it doesn't seem realistic that Zakair could have survived. Explain in depth why this happened.

𓋼 Character(s) 𓋼

8/15

Chapters 1+2

First impressions

Zakuro:

Zakuro seems to be a smart and strategic person. He seemed to know the game of chess inside and out, and proficiency at chess usually allows the reader to infer that the character is smart. He looks like he cares a lot about academics. It is stated that Zakuro is arrogant, and we can see that because he thinks himself to always be better than Kayne. He also seems to care a lot about his friends as shown with his willingness to let them copy his homework.

Kayne:

Kayne seems to be the type to always try his hardest, one to try to push his limits, yet slacks off. We see him trying to understand the game in a way that Zakuro would, yet at the same time, he looks like he could be easily irritable, or harsh as one of the first paragraphs states that he would have wanted to "slit the smirk" off Zakuro's face. Kayne also calls Zakuro a "nut head" giving us more details into his personality such as the fact that he can be silly, yet supporting the fact that he's easily irritable.

Ryeld:

Ryeld looks rich and entitled. He cares a lot about his looks, and after he is freed from Hiro, he threatens the boy with his bodyguards and has a little tantrum because his hair is all messed up. Not the best first impression of Ryeld right away.

Hiro:

Hiro seems a little aggressive as he was still tampering with Ryeld even though he was asked to stop, and because it was described that he held the other boy in a "lock". At the same time, we can see the playful behavior behind it. He seems to be well-toned, but you use "sienna-red" to describe him. This bit confused me—is his skin red? This would be a good place to elaborate on why his skin may be like that. Later, it is mentioned that he cannot bleed. Another spot that can be elaborated on. Hiro seems to have a tricky past with a previous relationship but is wild and enthusiastic at the same time around his friends. Hiro also looks a little oblivious, as seen when everyone else has noticed another presence except for him, and as shown later in that scene, is also a little impulsive.

Cazzie:

Cazzie also looks like one to be quite smart as when we first meet her, she said that she was at the library. She does seem to take care in making sure the rest of her friends are safe, especially her brother.

_

Ryeld and Hiro seem to be friendly, but they tease and are a little aggressive with each other on multiple occasions. The group looks like they all care a lot about each other, Cazzie especially because she's a lady. You can capture the emotions and excitement that come with their age well.

Even though their personalities are depicted well, there is room for improvement in their physical traits. The character that we got the most information about with their physical traits was Hiro, but even then, some areas were confusing to understand about him.

I like how you have them working in correlation to each other as shown in the battle scene in the second chapter. It was interesting to see how all their powers come together and to see them all in action. They do seem to be very strategic in battle, but little things can get them going off and bickering again. At times it looks to be as if they can only cooperate in the most dire of situations. As in terms of powers though, Hiro and Ryeld seem the most powerful. It could be a combination of the fact that they get the most "screen time", or that their powers are elemental, but I'm not sure if this was the intended fact.

Sneak Peak Chapters:

Instantly, I can see improvement in the characters. You give us a great physical description of Zakair in the second paragraph which is something I felt the initial chapters lacked. You also do a nice job going into his character, describing how sickness is a rarity to him, and how he interacts with the mystery girl. The chess game did great showing us Zakair's inner thoughts. You go into much more depth about how his mind works and how he interprets the game and Kayne. We can get a lot more about the two. Even though you do an outstanding job with Zakair and Kayne's character, the same does not go for Ryeld. He quickly pops in, and we don't get the same amount of detail with him. I understand that he's only meant to be there for a moment, but I'm presuming that you may use this as a first chapter so you need to put a lot of detail about all characters.

In the second sneak peek chapter, you give us information about how Zakair thinks a meteor shower is. Even though it's good to get a glimpse into his mind, it's almost saying that he has never seen a meteor shower before. I think you should rephrase this, because I find that unrealistic, especially with the media and other tools. I do like how you introduced Colt, but I think overall, there needs to be more information about the character's emotions.

In the third sneak peek chapter, there is more improvement with character descriptions. We get an in-depth description of Cazzie, which is great seeing that she seemed to be the character with the least amount of detail before. We seem to get an insight into Zakair's thought, and he referred to the others as humans. That gives the impression that he's not human, and I don't think this was mentioned before. It could be because you changed up the story in the sneak peek chapters, but this should have been clarified much earlier. The rest of his thought process is well-written. A bit later on you use "the blink of an eye". Avoid these clichés, and try to use creative wording to express the moment.

Something that is missing overall is a backstory. We do not know where these characters come from, how they got their powers, or what their lives are like. This almost ties in with worldbuilding, but fleshing out these things would be beneficial.

𓋼 General 𓋼 

8/15

Chapter 1

You did nicely introduce the character's personality. They are all different, but showing us more about their physical traits could be beneficial. What are their lives like? What do they look like? We were able to get a good feel for the atmosphere of their world, but some areas could be fleshed out more. What is their country like, and how does it function? It did feel like when I read, some areas were put out onto the page without contextualization.

Chapter 2

The battle scene was written out well, but as I pointed out earlier, some areas seemed to jump around a little. Once again, background information would be helpful, especially considering Cazzie. At this point, we don't have a lot of information about her, and I do not feel that personally connected to her. The boys seem to be very distraught, so show why. Give details about the connection they had with Cazzie to continue to make the point stronger. There were some other topics that I had described in earlier sections, but try your hardest to continue to give background information on these facts.

Sneak Peek (1)

Descriptions and characters are much better, like how you used the memories and inner conflict for details. I was a little confused about Zakair at first. Even though you clarified this at the end, I feel like it would be better to add that note at the beginning, because I was unsure about him until the chess match. The conversations between the characters are much better, and the characters seem more developed. There is better worldbuilding, but I feel like this is still a weak area. There is a lot more that can happen to truly establish this world. Mentioning the future and deeper thoughts is good, as they can better set up the next chapter. One section I didn't like was when you said that Zakair could hear Kayne's pulse picking up. That doesn't make sense unless it's a power of his. Add details about how he can see Kayne getting nervous instead of telling us a phrase like that.

Sneak Peek (2)

There was a significant improvement in worldbuilding, but I feel like the writing style decreased. There was a lot of use of exclamation points instead of showing the character's true feelings, and I feel like you could have gone into more depth about many aspects, which I did point out. Nothing was outright confusing, and you did well introducing the new characters.

Sneak Peek (3)

This chapter did better with worldbuilding, but establishing proper backgrounds for the characters, describing the scenes in more depth, and making all ends meet is something that should be improved on. You did have a good idea with the object crashing down to earth, and the events that followed. The part where they are talking about wishes is also good because it shows how close their bonds are, and allows us to get a better glimpse into their characters. There are just many areas where it needs to be fleshed out more.

I'm sorry if I came off as harsh, but I only want you to have the best quality of writing possible. Many great things were happening in your story, but the areas of improvement leveled these out. Best of luck in your future writing!

- Coco

Total:

67.5/100

𓍊𓋼𓍊 𓆏 𓍊𓋼𓍊

Disclaimer

Don't forget that liking a story, characters, cover, etc, is subjective. Our reviewers try their best to give constructive and honest feedback.