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Drowning

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Chapter 43: Drowning (Rhys's POV)

"I've invited myself to raid your closet every night," Stella announced as she strolled into the kitchen, her hair now slightly damp from the shower she just took while I cleaned up after dinner. Scanning the place, she stopped beside me. "Did Delilah drop by to pick up Ava?" 

"Alex did," I replied, washing my hands once I was done doing the dishes. Glancing at her, I looked her over from head to toe, taking in the sight of her dressed in my clothes. "You're more than welcome to," I chuckled lightly, drying my hands off. 

"Hmm?" she asked in confusion. 

Releasing a breath, I moved to stand in front of her, cornering her against the counter. "Raid my closet," I clarified, "every night." 

She watched me in amusement, suppressing a smile. 

"That is," I added after a beat, "if you're here every night." 

Moving her arms up, she looped them around my neck, running her nails across the nape of my neck. "Do you want me to be?" she asked, staring back at me. 

"Do I want to fall asleep to you every night and wake up to you every single morning? Is that a real question, Dorogaya?" Placing my hands on her hips, I hoisted her up, seating her on the countertop before I pushed her knees apart to stand between them, closer to her now. 

"I guess not," she mumbled, her eyes traveling across my face, finding my lips and lingering there. She seemed to hesitate to ask me whatever was sitting on the tip of her tongue. 

"Tell me," I said, resting a hand on her thigh, my fingers slipping under the hem of her shirt as I absentmindedly traced circles onto her skin. "Ask me, Stella." 

"Are we moving too quickly?" she questioned, "we made a deal, didn't we? We broke it pretty quickly." 

How was I supposed to tell her that I anticipated this from the very start? That I actually feared it. And somehow, despite knowing the risks and the outcome, I still went through with it because I... wanted this to happen. I wanted to take every chance I could get to fall in love with her. 

"What are you scared of?" I asked. "I'm in love with you. That doesn't change whether this is a deal or something real. Does it not feel real?" 

"It does," she replied with certainty, "of course it does. But that scares me, Rhys. I've never had something like this and I don't ever want to find out how it feels to have it and yet somehow, lose it again." 

I hummed thoughtfully, nodding lightly. Wordlessly, I tilted her chin up, placing a soft kiss on her lips and then another and another. With the last one, I kissed her harder and longer, until she was kissing me back and finally smiling into the kiss, a tiny laugh escaping her into the kiss. 

Drawing back, I met her gaze. "We're not going to lose this, my love," I reassured her, "I'm not going anywhere and neither are you." 

But I don't know that. Because she might not want me at all once I tell her the truth. Stella might hate me. And if she does... I don't know if I could take it again. I don't know if I could handle losing her all over again. Even if she has no idea that I already lost her once. 

Her legs tightened around my waist as she inched closer to me. "We've known each other for three years, Rhys," she began. 

I tore my gaze away, glancing at our hands again. 

Three years of us is all she remembers. 

"And it still feels like I've known you my whole life," she added, "why did we waste so much time hating each other?" 

I met her eyes. "I don't know," I answered honestly. 

She smiled softly and then gently pushed me away, creating enough space for her to hop off the counter. "Do you want to watch a movie?" She headed towards the living room and I trailed behind her wordlessly. "I know it's getting late, but—" 

Grabbing a hold of her hand before we entered the living room, I tugged her back and spun her around to face me, steadying her with a hand on her waist as she stumbled into me, her hands flying to my chest. 

She stared up at me in anticipation, her brows rising up. Before she could get another word, I lifted my hands to her cheeks, leaning down and erasing the distance between us, kissing her again, more urgent this time. 

Her words instilled in me the feeling of losing her and I would never let that happen. I wanted to feel her against me, feel her lips against mine, feel every single moment with her, and remind myself that I wouldn't lose her. What we had was worth everything and we wouldn't let it slip away so easily. 

I felt her surprise as she went still for a split second before kissing me back, grabbing onto my forearm as I stepped forward, our bodies colliding while I deepened the kiss. The kiss turned desperate and needy in response to what I was afraid of. 

It feels like I'm going to lose her. 

Her hold on my shirt tightened as she came up on her toes, pulling me impossibly closer. I kissed her harder, faster, and more urgently and I wanted her even closer to me. Without wasting another moment, I dipped down and grabbed her thighs, lifting her up and locking them around my waist so I could hold her up. 

A soft yet sharp gasp escaped her as I did and she broke the kiss, staring down at me with a hint of surprise and curiosity swirling in her eyes. We stared at each other for a moment, silently. Until she whispered, "Should we go upstairs?" 

In a heartbeat, I was practically rushing upstairs with her still in my arms and a laugh escaped her as she dropped her head against my shoulder. As I kicked the bedroom door shut behind me, I stopped and leaned against it for a moment, thinking everything through. My hands slid up to her ass, adjusting her in my arms and while she rested her hands on my shoulders, she lifted a brow at me in amusement. 

"Hmm, I know what you're doing," she smirked teasingly. 

"Me?" I asked, acting oblivious, still keeping my hands on her ass. "I'm not doing anything," I shook my head, "I'm not—" 

Cutting me off with another kiss, one of her hands ran down my chest, down to my abs while I moved towards the bed, stopping as my legs touched the edge before I set her down without breaking the kiss, bending lower to maintain proximity. "Wait," she chuckled, pulling away and pulling her legs up so she could scoot back on the bed. 

"Don't bother," I replied, grabbing her ankles and dragging her back down. Placing one knee on the bed, I leaned closer to her, taking her jaw in my grasp as I kissed her, my hand slowly sliding down until I gently wrapped my fingers around her neck, running my thumb across her skin. 

Stella held herself up on her hand and reached for me with the other, tugging me down as she lowered herself onto her back and lay down. Her lips moved against mine in perfect rhythm and I felt my resolve slowly crumbling as each ounce of control slipped away from me. 

I pulled back and she let out the softest frustrated groan. "If you want to stop, you should tell me now," I said a little breathlessly. 

She stared at me, her chest rising and falling in unison with mine. 

"I don't know if I can hold back," I mumbled, slowly backing away. Until she grabbed my shirt and drew me closer while leaning back on her elbows. 

"Then don't," Stella whispered, "don't hold back." 

Both of us went utterly still with her words and I could practically see her holding her breath once it hitched as she realized her own admission. "We don't have to if you don't want to but I—" she began quickly but cut herself short as I got closer, tilting her chin up. 

"I'd be crazy if I didn't want to, Stella," I told her, "and even I'm not that crazy." 

Falling in love with Stella, being in love with her... it felt a lot like drowning. It was overwhelming, took my breath away, and was devastating in the most beautiful way possible. 

It felt like drowning, only I never wanted to resurface, never wanted to fight my way to the top. I never wanted to fall out of it, ever. 

Being in love with Stella would quite possibly kill me one day and I wouldn't even hate it. 

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Chapter 43

I'm sorry to keep y'all waiting for the smut... but not really lol

I will deliver in the next chapter, I promise

also, my exams are FINALLY over!!!

BUT I have a deadline on Valentine's day which is just fucking lovely. Don't you love it when your valentine is a deadline? 

AND I have my finals for Spanish speaking at the end of the month, so I might be busy in the days leading up to those dates

I'M STILL GONNA BE UPDATING MORE OFTEN THO, I SWEAR

next ch: crave