I was wondering if nature can nurture the gift that God given. I was wondering about how was the life that nature wants? How was the life that has being used in improper or proper ways? How does it shades the Earth unto the sunrays?

Like the trees beyond those mountains, how does it feel that you’ve used but ignored after they take advantage of you? How does it feel huh?

Nakakatuwang nakatulong ka nga pero sa huli maiiwan ka lang. Mababalewala nalang. Yung wala nang puwang sa parte mo matapos mong mabigay lahat ng kulay para sa ibang buhay. Ginawa mong buhay yung tirahan na hindi  pala magiging tahanan.

Yung tipong parang dahon na nahuhulog, unti unting lumalagas hanggang sa maging alikabok nalang sa lumang pinturang pinaglumaan na ng panahong hindi na mababalikan. Masyado nang madilim kung kaya’t hindi mo na ito napapansin.

Naitanong mo na nga lang bigla na “Bakit sa liwanag lang pwedeng maging masaya? Hindi ba pwedeng kahit isang kusing nalang ay bigyan naman ng pansin ang kadilimang binalot na ng pighati?”

That was me, that was me who’s trapped in the midst of darkness. It was me, the trees, the leaves, the old paint, the house. It’s all me, the nature of dark shades that never been colored by the depth of rainbows. It’s the Dianerra Kisses' reality, the reality left unspoken and covered. It’s the tiny light that’s been covered. It’s me, the layer of the dark mask that for many years has been locked and unrevealed.

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It’s been years, it’s hard really. It was the trauma and hatred. The misunderstanding and trust issues I have to get over feels so nostalgic. No regrets, maybe no.

The last scenario was the biggest pain, the biggest heartbreak. It’s hard to comeback. Bakit pa ba babalikan, bakit pa ba magririsk ulit? Does it makes some sudden changes? Does it makes the scars fade?

Flashing of scenarios keeps on running on my mind like the first time that we didn’t make it.

“Let’s breakup.”

“Ano bang mali?Ano pa bang pwedeng gawin ko para hindi ka magduda? Paano ba kita maaassure na natatangi ka lang?” frustrated na sabi niya sakin ng minsang nakita ko siyang tinalian ng buhok ang babaeng ni minsang hindi niya iniignora.

“Bakit pa kasi lagi kang nakipag-usap sa kanya. I’m here naman, I’m always here love. ” Umiiyak kong sigaw habang tinuturo ko yung sarili ko.

“Baby, if you’re jealous you can say it in my face. You don’t need to shout at her, sinabunutan mo pa sya. Please baby. ” Nahahapong sabi niya’t napaupo sa harap ko.

“Palagi niyang ninanakaw ang atensyon mo. Is she finer than me?

“I always accepted the truths of you baby, I’m here to help you how to cope up of that trust issues problem you’re facing. Now hush, I just fix her hair okay. I didn’t tied it. Hindi mo nakita kasi umalis ka. Buhok mo lang ang aking tatalian, aalagaan. Kahit puputi man yan,hindi ko yan kayang pagsawaan ,yan lang naman yung gusto kong hawakan sa tuwing-”Pabiting sagot niya while chuckling with tears in his eyes.

Hindi ko alam na sa kadramahan ko sa buhay, sa paghihirap ko ay sinisiksik nya parin ang sarili nya sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung deserve ko ba sya. Deserve ko ba yung love and patience nya. Why I am so immature, bakit ganito nalang akong mag-isip pagdating sa kanya.

Tears slowly falling unto my eyes as I remember the first time na nakita ko yung pagod sa mata niya. Yung matang pinapakita yung nararamdaman nyang hindi niya ginagawa sa iba. Yung matang alam kong sakin lang nakamasid ng may pagmamahal at aruga.

As retro albums on my head flashes, I’ve seen the sweet moments as he confessed. That was the time that the overwhelming happiness keeps on chirping unto my inner breast. The butterflies of my stomach,the rollercoaster feeling, felt surreal.

“Annera,you smiled” paaanas na bulong nya habang palingon lingon sa likod na para bang nahihiyang tingnan ako.

“Why Tough?I always smile to people naman.” napapangiting saad ko dahil sa mga aksyong pinapakita nyang hindi ko alam na mangyayare.

“It’s not just that, you really smile...at me. Fuck! Why so sudden, i-i’m n-not prepare with that.” Nauutal na bulong niya habang nakayuko’t kinakagat ang kuko.

I laughed so hard that it roared in the corner of his house. Yes, I visit him cause I don’t know. These days kasi , there’s this feeling that I can’t describe. I even told my mentor about this. She told me that I’m in love. I don’t know why it is happening.

“What’s the big deal if I smile naman sayo Tough?You’re deserving naman sa smile ko.” I said while staring at him with outmost passion.

Agad naman syang napaupo ng tuwid na tila ba’y naging yelong unti unting natutunaw. I’ve seen some sweats starting to come out on the corner of his forehead.

“I’m deser-rving ? F-fuck no, it’s an illusion.Hell."

After he said that word, he suddenly look at me and then say something that gives more butterflies unto my belly.

“Can we go outside ? I can’t control my feelings. I’m gonna die with this. I love you fuck I’m crazy..yes I love you. Go home now.”Natatarantang saad nyang ikinailing ko nalang.

This is torture for me. I even love him naman pala noon,but I erased that word and thoughts inside my head cause it’s not really a good idea. But now, I should take the risk.

“I love you too, Francisco.”I respond.

I walked fast onto the door after I said that, cause I can’t bear with this feeling. This is so good, addicting, and it can shake my body tremendously.

I stopped after I realized that there’s a man, he’s my man, who hugs me from behind.

“No, it’s not an illusion right baby? Baby, after you’ve said that, I can’t just let you go this time, never. I mean ,Christ what did I do good this time? ” Halos di ko maintindihang saad ng lalaking nagpapatibok ng puso ko.

“Let me go, can’t breathe na ko Francisco.”natatawang saad ko’t pilit tinatanggal ang mga kamay nya sa tiyan ko. My stomach is so weird, I really can’t describe that feeling in just a simple way.

“My surname sounds beautiful and soothing when you're the one saying it. Now say that again.” Parang batang ungot neto.

“Yoko nga, ayaw.” binibiro kong saad sa kanya.

“I will court you. No, I’ll always court you but can I ask your permission first?” Sabi niya after niyang bitawan ako.

“Required pa ba yung permission ko Tough?” ask ko sa kanya.

“ Yes, of course. Real man ask permission to their beloved when they want or request something. It’s a fact, I want to be your real man and not just your ideal.” Agarang saad niya sakin with his usual serious face.

“You’re my boyfriend this time. And I’m even territorial.” seryosong saad ko.

“Oh fuck, feels like i’m blushing like a gay.”

Napangiti ako ng mapait ng maalala ko ang mga sandaling yun. Yung senaryong yun na hindi ko alam na hanggang ngayo'y nakatatak pa din sa sistema ko. Siguro dahil this is special, it’s the first time I’ve take the risk despite of my breakdowns.

That’s the life we cherish the most. A life where I’m so dependent of the reality with him. The reality of my happiness and the reality of pain.

Now, as I walked alone in the middle of this mountain, I’ve asked too many questions unto myself. Asking if he’s waiting for me to heal or enjoying his another reality.

The refreshing aura of mountains, the darkest part of it where I hide myself to the world. The world where it's unfair. The world of toxicity.

“Ma’am pagabi na. Kailangan na po nating umuwi’t hindi safe dito. Baka may engkanto ma’am yoko pa mamatay huhu.”

I blink my eyes as realization hits me. May kasama ako. I guess I’m not that alone.

I smiled at her. As usual she’s so scared of the fact that it’s dark. Dark, it’s my home. Siguro the difference of us is she’s scared of it while I’m enjoying the rest of it. Dark, the one that witness my struggles, my heartbreaks, and the one that sees the dark shades of mine.

Nilingon ko ang kasama kong kanina pa kumakapit sakin. She’s so cute, she give me hope. The girl that lights everything to me even though it’s not completely the light that I needed. She’s more like the dimlight of my shade.

“Oo na,wala naman kasing nakakatakot dito. ” Natatawa kong sabi sa kanya.

“Kahit na ma’am, pano kung biglang may trap dito galing sa engkanto. Pano na to ma’am? Ayokong mamatay ka na walang asawa ma’am.” Natatawang saad neto sakin.

“I’m not afraid it it kaya. Saka I choose to be a lady with only for myself. And I don’t think I can be a wife. In this kind of place, kapre lang ata makilala kong lalaki ang katauhan.” I said.

“Ma’am naman, bat may dagdag na kapre ma’am. Tara na ma’am ayoko na huhu.” Mas lumapit pa sya ng maiigi sakin kaya super tawa ko.

“Oo na, so matakutin talaga ang baby na to eh no.” Habang hinihimas ko ang buhok nyang hawig na hawig sakin.

At tuluyang naming nilayuan ang pwestong kanina’y aking tinatambayan. Sa paglingon ko sa pwestong yun ay naaaniag ko ang paglubog ng araw. Ang magandang araw na tuluyan ng gustong humimlay para maipakita ang kadiliman.

The sunset of this place, the first scenery that I witnessed, after I let go of my life as a commited lady and a college student.

Napangiti akong maglakad papalayo sa tanawing iyon. Darkness will swallow the lights after this scenery, people will be on the corners of their home, they will be enlighted by the lights, the city lights. While me? Where am I? I ain’t covered by those city lights anymore, only the darkness masked up everything on me.

Yes, in silence there’s no weapon but in darkness? We burst out those things we never exposed in light. We may became so fragile, but it comforts the pain we have.

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Tough Francisco, kung masaya ka man sa kinahahantungan ng ating katotohanan. Sana sa paglipas ng mga paglubog ng araw at pagbubukang liwayway, may puwang pa din ako sa utak mo kahit wala na ako sa dibdib mo.

Sa mga pwedeng gawin na hindi natin magagawa, hangad kong matupad mo yan kahit hindi na ako.

Yung mga huling salitang aking bitawan, siguro naman isa iyong kasiguraduhan na wala na akong ibang taong mababalikan maliban sa tahanang ikaw lang ang nakakaalam. Tahanang ating iniwan.

“Ma’am naiisip mo na naman ba yung Tough?” Saad ng aking katabi na nakapagbigay balik sarili ko.

“Wala naman sigurong masamang maisip sya. Kahit kailan naman laging sya. Magpapanggap pa ba ako sa sarili ko? Kung parang siya na ang may-ari ng sistema ko.” sabi ko habang unti unting bumibigat ang aking paghinga.

“Ma’am tahan na ma’am. Hays wag ka ngang umiyak, what if marinig ng mga wild monkeys yan here?” pagpapatawa ng kasama ko.

I smiled bitterly.

Tears is a traitor, it betrays me again this time.

“Putangina kasi, mapalibutan man ako ng kadiliman andiyan pa din sya sa dulo. Sa dulo ng kadilimang aking nagawa. Andyan sya sa gitna ng dilim at liwanag. Parehong hinanap ako sa mga yun.” naiiyak kong sabi.

Napakamot nalang sa ulo itong babaeng kasama ko.

“Eh ma’am naman wala akong magets, conyohan nalang us tutal same naman us na ganyan ah. Wag mo na ko matagalog tagalog ,akala ko ba pareho us na bobo in tagalog? Why ka nag improve? Nahawaan mo na ako ng own language mo kaya. Di ko knows kung why magtagalog ka ng malalim na ganyan. Masyado na bang masakit?” Reklamo niya while smiling pero halata naman na nalilito na sha sa paiba iba ng mood ko.

Ginulo ko naman ang buhok neto’t dahilan ng biglaang pagyakap niya sa akin.

“I know the pain ma’am. I can feel it. Time can heal everything ma’am. You should trust its process. Don’t worry about that okay, it’s been 7 years na andito ka sa bundok na ito and ako naman 6 years na akong nandito. Feel ko nga living version ka ni Maria Makiling, ikaw ba naman puntahin ng mga tao dito sa taas ng bundok para magbigay ng mga pagkain at damit etc. Ang diyosa mo talaga ma’am.” Tahasang saad netong nagpapatawa sakin ng mahina.

Kahit kailan talaga kung may masabi man syang seryoso sa unahan, kung ano ano nalang masasabi sa dulo.

Just like me. The younger me, the mild conyo tone of my own version of dialect that I usually used but right now I can’t even use that without remembering everything . It triggered those retro albums on my brain.

The facade of happiness and positivity on the eyes of many that I always wear seems so sealed. But one man can torn it and knows that it’s only a mask. A mask of dark shade that I have. The dark were I belong, because the dark is me. It is always on me.

How can he accept the dark shade of mine? He’s the one who make it visible yet it turns out like a broken mirror of visibility.

After all that happens, can he accept my dark shades again?Can he not ignore it this time?

“Balik na tayo sa bahay baby.”

“Okay po ma’am.”

“Mama nga.”

“Ma’am ka naman po sa school, gusto kong masanay mama na tinatawag ka na ma'am baka kasi madulas ako sa school at tawagin kitang mama. Eh di lalayuan ako ng nga pupils mo.”

“Alam naman ng mga friends mo na baby kita ah.”

“I will still practice calling you ma’am mama ko hihi.”

“Sus ang kulit kulit naman ng baby ko na yan. Lika na nga baka magkatototoo pa ang mga wild monkeys na nasa isip mo.”

“MAMAAAAAA”

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A.N

Welcome to Dark Shade. Long updates soon. Mwa!

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