Last week, the big day arrived. Hi, Lacey and Stacey here at Scrubber Town to tell you all about the auditions for parts in The Real Fishwives of Jewel Park. We'd armed ourselves with a bottle of Vodka each, as we thought we might need it.

Prue Pepper, the new CEO of Channel One, the One and Only One, organised this event as it's her baby. It promised to be fraught with tears, jealousy, slaps, bad-mouthing and malice and didn't disappoint.

Someone asked Prue why she didn't title it The Real Fishwives of Scrubber Town or Dark Park, but she insisted that Jewel Park sounded classier and more people would watch it. She obviously didn't realise, coming from rarified Beauvais Heights that all our neighbouring suburbs look pretty much the same; some are just daggier than others, Dark Park being the worst.

The auditions were held in an old warehouse building. Already a queue had formed around the block. In fact so many wanted to try out that Skye Frye, the sizzling blonde bombshell general manager of Scrubber Town, made the decision to close all the shops for the day, except Pinokio's and Stuff-ya-Face cafes. Most of Scrubber Town's customers were pissed off at first, but then many of them decided to audition too, hence the very l-o-n-g queue.

At the start of the morning, it was quite warm, but a change was said to be on its way. In the beginning, people were in a good mood and quite excited to be taking part. Of course, everyone wanted to be chosen, but when Prue came to the microphone to make her announcement, she made it clear that only a select few would be cast.

Good morning, future Fishwives and extras, whoever you turn out to be, I hope everyone realises that I won't be able to cast you all. There's eight Fishwife roles to fill, their friends, whether they are in real life or not, mothers and mothers-in-law and maybe a few kids. I'm tossing in a few husbands or partners for good measure.

I'm going to pair you together, give you a few lines to say and that will be enough for me to decide, as well as viewing you on our monitor. I don't have all bleeping day, so any hesitation, stammering or lack of screen presence and you're out. Got it? Now, let's get this show on the bloody road.

With that, Prue went into the warehouse, sat in her pink directors chair monogrammed with Boss Babe and ordered her personal assistant Paolo to buy her a large double shot espresso with cognac flavouring.

Stace and I were lucky to be allowed inside the warehouse to do our reporting, as it was getting hot outside and already people in the queue were getting cranky. When someone went off to buy a drink from Stuff-yas or Pinokios, and came back to reclaim their place, others wouldn't let them in , even if they'd asked a friend to keep it for them.

Get lost bitch, we heard one say, get to the back of the line where youse belong; you got no chance anyway. They pushed each other.

We'll see about that, bitch, and she tipped her large cola over the other one's head.

Now youse haven't got no chance either. Your hair's a bleeping mess and so is your face.

People took sides and there was much pushing and shoving, causing one or two to fall over and graze their knees or arms. This group had to be carted away by Ken and Kylie from security. Sort of a shame, cos they'd have done quite well as Real Fishwives.

Prue was as good as her word and gave no second chances. She screamed out Cut and  Bloody hell, not you, if the auditionees weren't chosen, so at least things moved fairly quickly. We had to keep our distance though, so as we didn't get in the way, but that was OK as it just gave us more opportunity to swig from our Vodka bottles. Also we were often giggling at the contestants behind Prue's back.

Some who didn't make it, cried and pleaded, (they were hilarious) to which Prue just responded with Out and  Next!

Prue Pepper screams orders at auditionees.

It seemed every 15 minutes or so that Prue ordered Paolo, her PA to buy her more coffee and once a sandwich, but she sent him back with the sandwich, as the  filling wasn't to Prue's taste. She even sent him back a second time, but that sandwich didn't please her either. We reckon Paolo must be soft in the head to be Prue's PA.

There were more skirmishes outside with people pushing, shoving and bumping, often deliberately. By now the weather was really hot and humid. Thunder which had been rumbling in the distance, moved closer, along with lightning flashes. The lucky ones were those who'd already tried out and had either failed or been selected; they were allowed to wait in the warehouse. There were no chairs though, except Prue's and a stool for Paolo, and in the end Prue used his stool as a footrest. Still no-one wanted to go home and miss their chance, so they stood out in the rain, looking scared and miserable.

Stace and I were getting drunk on our Vodka; in fact Stace fell asleep on some dusty old sacks. That gave me the time to buy sausage rolls and cola. When I returned, I sat down on the sacks with Stace and we had our two sausage rolls each, cos they're not all that big. We were really drunk. Our faces were flushed and we were slurring our words.

Prue turned to us: Oi, you two, having a nice party back there? Are you going to do some roving reporter work anytime soon? Thank God you're not auditioning; the pair of you are as drunk as skunks.

We replied that we'd done lots of notes already (we hadn't) and they were in our bags, waiting for Suze to type them up.

You'd better be telling me the truth, snapped Prue.

Finally Prue had her chosen few, with many howls of protest from the unsuccessful.

Here they are, in no particular order:

Dr Ina Eppit, for medical consultation

Tatiana and Olga for mother/daughter friction and Komik Kal for friction with both. 

Jules from Jules Jewlz for the resident air-head.

Jacinta the Psychic from the Around the World resort; for mystery and telling the Fishwives their fortunes.

Whitney; yes our own friend, her Mum Wendy and almost mother-in-law, Roz Pond for even more bitching.

Marisa from War Paint, for glamour. Really? Well, we suppose she looks glamorous sometimes, but hooray, that means she'll be away from work.

Suze, the admin secretary, though she calls herself a Personal Assistant, has been cast as Whit's friend, even though in real life they can't stand each other.

Noeline Nutter from Nutters and Rotters, as a gossip and troublemaker. We must say that's good type-casting. Apparently Prue decided to also cast a few blokes and a few kids from the Little Buggers Childcare centre. The lucky blokes are Komik Kal and Nick who runs Nick's Nirvana.  That could be very interesting as those two hate each other, due to Nick living with Kal's 19 year-old daughter Kimberlee. Kimberlee has also been selected as a Fishwife. 

The reject list: Delfine, Kara-Lyn, Matron Melanie, Sandie from Stuff-yas and Pam from Pinokios, oh and Dr Una and Eric from Eric's Emporium, were all terribly offended to have been told that they were too bland and had absolutely no screen presence.  Also, Britnee didn't get chosen and it didn't help that Whitney did. Dr Una is especially upset, as her sister Dr Ina has been cast.

As she left, Prue didn't mince words. 

Congrats Fishwives and company. I've chosen who I consider to be the best of a bad bunch. I expect to see you all at a Fishwives' meeting at the Channel One studios on Monday. For God's sake, don't be late or arrive hungover or drunk. Be warned, I can dump you as quickly as I chose you if you don't measure up to my very high expectations.

The Losers all gathered in the Bogan Bar to commiserate (another one of Dr Una's words) and got very drunk, but before that, they heckled, swore and gave the finger to Prue and Paolo as they walked to their car.

Now guys, we just have to wait for the first episode. You can be sure that food items will be thrown at the screen when Fishwives airs.

You may have been wondering why I've said that Roz Pond was Whitney's almost-mother-in-law? A few years back, I wrote a four-chapter story called Beach Wedding of the Year. In this, Whitney was to marry Ron Pond, Roz Pond's son. Everything went awry, and Whitney ended up jilted at the altar. It's in a book called OMP Fiction stories, in which many of the Wattpad writers collaboratively donated one of their stories, and was published, raising money for homelessness and Cancer research. I believe the book is still available on Amazon, and there's some really great stories within the pages. I've just remembered that Beach Wedding is still on my profile page and can be read.