Hi Scrubber-Towners, it's Lacey and Stacey back again. This evening we're in the Bogan Bar for Happy Hour. We kind of spend a lot of time here, we know, but today we really, really need a Happy-Hour or two. We've both had, like, such a crap day and both got into heaps of trouble. I got into strife at War Paint because this stupid self-obsessed bitch of a woman brought back all the make-up she'd bought the week before. I remember her cos she took up so much time and other people were sighing and moaning because I wasn't serving them. Scrubber-town management won't pay for extra staff, which isn't my fault. Anyway I really went out of my way to help this old slag (she was about 40, so ancient) and I thought she was happy with her stuff. Anyway, apparently not, cos she brought it all back and insisted I refund it because she'd developed allergies. So I like refunded it all as I just wanted to get rid of her, but Marissa my boss overheard and threw a hissy-fit. She called me into her office and lectured me about store policy and other bullshit. She even hinted that I could lose my job. She told me the woman concerned was a known trouble-maker and often pulled this sort of stunt and how could I not know? I tried explaining that I'd never seen her before last week, but Marissa didn't seem to believe me, or didn't want to. She checked all the tubes and jars and sure enough they had been used. Oh crap. Marissa won't let me forget this; she bangs on about stuff long after everyone else has forgotten. I feel like going to look for a new job. Maybe I could go to Asteroid Air and inquire about their new call centre. They're recruiting right now and if those dumb ass bimbos from Dark Park Detention Centre can be hired, so can I without any problem. Trouble is I'd end up yelling at or abusing people on the other end of the phone. I hate phones, so guess there's not much point applying.

Poor old Stace copped heaps too at Delfine's. Delfine paired all the girls up to trial a new herbal facial massage. Stacey got stuck with that spoilt little Beauvais Heights princess, Rubi-Redd. Rubi started squawking that Stacey was scratching her and giving her a rash. Stace threw the stuff she was using across the room and then told Rubi-Redd that nothing would match the gravel rash she already had by groveling to Delfine. Of course Rubi-Redd started blubbing, upon which Delfine came rushing in and blasted Stace (without even asking for her side of the story). Delfine gave little miss Drama-queen Rubi the afternoon off for retail therapy, but told Stace she'd have to work with her (Delfine). Naturally Delfine picked on her every move and got Stacey thoroughly pissed-off and confused. She's going to speak to Delfine about not being partnered with Rubi-Redd in future, as this isn't the first time it's happened. Good luck with that, Stace. So that's why we're here in the Bogan Bar drowning our sorrows and being depressed and sorry for ourselves. We've just been joined by Lainie (my cousin) and Whitney. I'm not in the mood for Whitney who's like all cheerful. She just said that she can make us feel better by telling us all about her beach-wedding which is going to be next February. Great, Whitney, it's the hottest part of the year and we'll all get fried. That's all Whitney talks about these days, her fiancé Ron Pond and how successful he is. Duh, he's just a dodgy used-car salesman at Dark Park and he's a real sleaze: always eyeing off other girls even when he's out with Whitney. She just says he's a typical guy and we're only jealous. So pardon me while I just zone out and watch the other people in the bar.

OMG, there's Tatiana, Komik Kal's wife, though I haven't seen her out with Kal for ages. She's supposed to be busy with her new model agency, Strut Girl, which is doing really well, unfortunately, and is one of the top agencies in the city. Tonight she's with a real hunky guy, who I imagine is a male model, judging by the way he looks. Wouldn't be surprised if he's gay, not that that would deter Tatiana from making a move on him. She said once that if any woman could cure a guy of being gay, she could. As if. Tonight she's wearing a fire-engine red bandage dress, shorter and tighter even than usual and she kind of looks like she's been freshly botoxed. She loves attention. I hate Tatiana. We both do.

Take your pick; Rocket Booster cocktails or Raving Lunatics.

Oh, that was funny- Tatiana just got insulted by Noeline Nutter, of Nutters and Rotters. Just as Tatiana walked past her, Noeline shouted:

'Little madam slapper from the Russian red-light district.' Everyone laughed, cos no-one likes Tatiana, but Tatiana turned round and gave Noeline a death stare. Last time I was here, Bruce the barman had to ask Noeline and Neil (her husband) to leave for disruptive behaviour. This time Bruce threatened to chuck her out, and send her off to the Dark Park Tavern. Noeline said that's where all the riff-raff went and pleaded with Bruce to not send her there without Noel; or all these drunken men would hit on her. They'd have to be off their face to want to hit on Noeline Nutter. Bruce told her to go and sit in a far corner and to not say a word and Noeline gave a sort of mock-salute and did as she was told. Wonder how long that will last?

Look who else has just wandered in. Guy Bligh, the drummer from Wade Blade's band, The Raving Lunatics. He's with model Sinead Jones and she's draped all over him. Just as well Whitney is marrying Ron, as she used to have a mega crush on Guy, who incidentally didn't even know she existed and if she wasn't engaged now, would probably make an idiot of herself and go and sit with Guy and Sinead or something equally humiliating. Sinead is so stuck up these days and won't give her old friends at Scrubber-Town the time of day.

Guy Bligh and Sinead just want to be left alone.

There's Skye Frye our resident manager and Jules from Jules Jewlz. Jules is supposed to be re-opening again soon, as she took a break for a while. Not sure why. It's so funny cos she just had Shane Shaw paint a newly designed sign for her shop; as usual though, he stuffed up and painted Jools Joules (like he did for the Scrubber-Town suburb sign; Welcum toJoule Park). Jules is said to be furious and is making him re-do it,but this time with supervision. We hope the supervisor is maybe Dr Ray Beams as he's the only one patient enough. Anyway, there's talk of Skye and Jules going to Thailand for some plastic surgery first. The latest news on the grapevine is that Skye and Jools are buying a house together in Dark Park. We hope it's not a dump and is fit for habitation.

Whitney is just waving her hand across my face. Apparently I haven't been listening into the 'Wedding of the Year' planning. I told her I'd listen properly after a third Raving Lunatic Cocktail and I even offered to buy, which is rare for me. I try to get out of shouting drinks as often as possible, but this time I even managed to throw in a bag of chips as well. We have our drinks now, so Whitney can rattle on as much as she wants. There's nothing like a third cocktail to make everything rose-coloured.

See youse and luv youse

Lacey and Stacey (even though Stace didn't have much input this time).

Stace and I are introducing a new paragraph to the end of our newsletters. We're calling it the Shock/Horror files and It will be the worst event we can find, for your entertainment. Here's the first one.

The Shock Horror Files: Bruce the barman has concocted another new cocktail called Sin and Wickedness, which he says he's going to enter into the Cocktail Competition in Sydney next month. Guess what! He won't be telling Lainie about the ingredients this time.That made Lainie blush, cos she's guilty of telling a London Barman the ingredients of the Raving Lunatic cocktail. Go Bruce. Actually, Bruce is pretty hot. Wonder if he's single?