Hi STRs andDark Parkers, Stace has just finished telling me about some weird old woman who lives next door to the Stinky Deli; you know, the deli where the Dark Park High School kids get their lunches?

Roxanne from Delfine's told Stace. Sometimes Roxy is full of it and wildly exaggerates, so Stace and I decided to see for ourselves.

We actually went to have coffee at the Stinky deli, which is risky even for just a cup of coffee, given their terrible reputation. They sort of have a  barista, their son Aaron. He's slow and lazy and takes forever to make a cup of coffee. Not sure if he's been a properly trained barista, cos the coffee is awful and tastes like dishwater. The only way to make it drinkable is to sprinkle it heavily with grated chocolate, which at least the Stinky deli owners provide.

Anyway, while we were waiting for our coffees to be made, we asked Aaron if he knew the old woman who lives next door.

Yeah, he said, that old sheila is as mad as a meat axe and is always standing out in her front yard, swearing at passers-by and telling them to fuck off. He reckons no one knows her real name, so everyone just calls her Effie, cos she says f...off so often.

We then took our vile coffees out to the chairs and tables on the footpath outside. Surprisingly there were no broken chairs this time.

Before long, we heard the old woman.

F...off, yer ugly pig, she shouted to some random bloke walking past.

He gave her the finger and replied looked in the mirror lately, dog?

F...off she screamed.

Next, along came a trio of girls who we recognised as Spite Club girls. Stace and I looked down at our coffee cups and rolled our eyes at each other. You don't want to make eye contact with the Spite Club girls. It's asking for trouble.

F...off yer little bitches, shrieked Effie. Stop jumping over me fence and picking me flowers.

You haven't got no flowers, weirdo, retorted one of the girls, who was all dressed in black, her pale face highlighted with a blood red lipstick.

You haven't even got a fence neither, said one of the friends.

Yeah I have, snapped Effie, so stop jumping over it. You'll damage it, so f...off, out of my way.

You're a looney old freak, sneered the all-in-black girl.

Yeah, she's senile, said another, who wore her hair in beaded braids and had the shortest, tattiest denim skirt Stace and I have ever seen.

My dad reckons she oughta be locked up in the looney bin, and throw away the key.

Your dad don't know nuthin. He can go to hell, like the rest of youse.

The girls then took out their cigarettes, but they hung around, taunting old Effie.

Stace and I were dying to see what she looked like, but there was no way we were going to join the group of Spite Club girls.

You haven't got no teeth, have you? The braided girl jeered.

F...off and mind your own business, Effie answered

She's an old hag, said one and they all started giggling, then she threw her cigarette butt into Effie's yard.

Your house should go up in flames. It's just about falling apart, like you, you crazy old bitch.

Yeah, the other two chorused and they threw their cigarette butts into her yard as well.

Stop messing up my garden, yer little drug addled whores. Just piss off.

What if we don't want to? said the all black girl defiantly. Watcha gunna do about it?

I'll go and get me pitbull from the back yard. He'll enjoy taking a piece out of youse. He's always hungry.

Betcha haven't really got a pitbull, laughed the girls, but we thought they looked a bit nervous. After all, even the Spite Club girls are scared shitless of Mandi Mason's pitbull, Crocodile.

Then Effie changed the subject.

Don't you dare come in and take all me money I've got hid in a secret panel behind the stove.

Well, you just told us where it is, so we might just have to come and see for ourselves.

Piss off and don't come back, Effie screamed at the girls who were now doubled over in spiteful laughter.

Don't youse jump me fence, don't pick me flowers, don't take me money and leave me false teeth alone. Just f...off.

Did you hear the old hag? one of the Spite Club girls said to her friends. Don't do this and don't do that. Guess they're her house rules.

We're gunna go and have coffee now, but we'll be back to visit yah later.

Then they moved off and walked towards us, so we thought it was time to leave. Luckily they ignored us.

Go to hell, we heard Effie say to nothing in particular.

We had to walk past Effie's house on our way to my car and had the chance of a good look at the old woman. We weren't surprised to see a person with a weathered face, skinny as a rake, most likely no teeth and long grey straggly hair. She was wearing a long sleeved moth eaten old cardigan and a totally daggy long skirt. She looked like a grey ghost; but a noisy one.

What are you two staring at, she shouted at us. F...off. I'll get me pitbull and set him onto youse. He's always hungry.

We're going, we replied.

Well, see that youse do. F...off.

Same to you and twice on Sundays, I answered back. It's an expression my mum uses sometimes, so it's probably not cool, not that Effie would know. Anyway, we gave her the finger for good measure and hurried off, just a bit because we really didn't know if she actually has a pitbull in the back garden and we weren't taking any chances.

Suze's doctor boyfriend is the man in the middle. Wait...isn't that an Abba song? Anyway, Stace reckons he looks like an owl. Probably likely to be a rich owl one day.

We've just found out something else about Effie. Apparently, a social worker, Matron Melanie from the Crockerie and a cop called at her house. Dr Una said it's a welfare check. When Effie opened the door she was wielding a huge wooden rolling pin at them. That didn't put them off, but then she let her pitbull loose; so she really does have one. The trio took off like they were on speed, with Effie screeching F...off F...off. How do we know this? Well, the well informed Roxy told Stace. Roxy happens to be going out with the cop. Useful to have friends in certain places. Just makes us realise that we haven't been very lucky in the boyfriend department. Even loud mouth Roxy and dumb ass Suze have a cop and a med student between them. So not fair.

Luv youse always

Lacey and Stacey