We dare you to venture into the Stinky Deli for one of these. You never know what you'll find inside.

First they gave us the Smarm ' n' Charm evenings at the Dark Park Tavern; now the Stinky Deli has come up with their own stroke of genius, or so they say. Stace and I are going to tell you all about it.

The Stinky Deli, you might remember, is in that row of rundown shops in Dark Park's main drag, along with a used car business, a dvd hire shop, a printing shop and a hairdresser; not many customers go in there, but we don't think they care, because they are known to be a front for a thriving drug trade. The cops are often there, but nothing happens. Stace reckons they're bribing the cops.

The Stinky deli also provides the Dark Park High kids with lunch orders. Heaps of kids used to get sick as a result, but now seem to have built up an immunity to salmonella and similar nasties.

Stace and I hear that Rob Hobbs, the Dark Park/Jewel Park councillor has been trying in vain to close it down. However, no health inspector will even venture in the front door to investigate, so fat chance Rob.

The Stinky deli proprietors, (Dr Una gave us that big word) Arthur, Aileen and their son Aaron have now had special stickers made up to attach to their badly wrapped sandwiches and burgers. Stace and I thought this is a great idea, so we bravely decided to make another visit to check it out for ourselves. We say bravely, cos of course it's got that dodgy reputation with stale food, but it's also a favourite hang out for the spite club girls, who apparently don't get sick either and dropkicks from the DPHS.

Even though the Stinky Deli is within walking distance and it was a fine day, Stace and I felt lazy and Stace drove us in her car. She has a new car by the way; a lairy lime green one, inherited from our friend Robbo, who's currently in the Dark Park Detention Centre. Stace isn't sure what make of car it is; we're both so not into cars, but it gets Stace around, even if it does break down quite often. Stace calls it her grasshopper, cos sometimes it sputters and hops along like a grasshopper.

Anyway, she parked out the front of the Stinky deli and we strolled inside, while some spite club girls drinking coffee made insulting comments about the car. Stace gave them the finger. Inside we ordered our watery cappuccinos and a sandwich each; cheese and vegemite for Stace and cheese and tomato for me. These are about the safest options at the Stinky deli, but you can't even be sure about the cheese.

While we were waiting for our orders to be filled and for Aaron to make our coffees, which is like watching a snail make coffee, we caught up on some gossip. We found out that the old crazy lady, Effie next door, got evicted from her home and was dragged off, kicking and screaming to a psych hospital. We try not to watch Aaron make the coffees as he does it so badly. Dr Una reminded us to check whether he'd washed his hands.

Yeah, Dr Una, like we can rock up and say Hey Aaron, washed your hands? So uncool.

He'd probably reply Not lately. Gross.

Aaron proudly showed us the variety of stickers his parents had made up by the printers next door.

There's some hilarious ones and some really rude ones. For example; slack bastard, fat bastard, loser, can't lie straight in bed, parasite, stink'em up, two sandwiches short of a picnic, BO alert, bad breath alert, Nigel no friends, RIP, Who let the dogs out and psycho. There's one that says hello hot stuff. Aaron says he gives that one to the worst of the Spite Club girls in case they come after him. One or two of them carry a flick knife.

At last we received our orders and took them out the front to sit at the rickety tables and opened our sandwiches. Stace's had more vegemite than cheese and mine had hardly any cheese or tomato, and was more like a bread and butter sandwich. However, at least the bread was fresh, sort of.

Stace's sticker said RIP, which upset her as she said it was a bad omen. Stace is very superstitious and is into astrology and numerology. My sticker said Who let the dogs out. I was offended too .Why did Aaron have to choose those? We thought we were sort of friends. He could have let us choose our own. That's the last time we go to the Stinky deli,

Aaron and his parents say the sticker idea has been excellent for business, with people sitting outside, laughing and comparing stickers. The Spite Club girls are known to peel their stickers off and put them on car windscreens. Rob Hobbs recently found two stuck to his car and guess what they said. Fat bastard and Can't lie straight in bed. Too funny.

Luv youse always

 Lacey and Stacey