Chapter 28

February 3rd. 1979.

She hadn't left her home - or her bedroom - for a full month. It was too unbearable to even get up...to get dressed, to leave. She was in pain, the physical pain not so much but it had set in that Alfie was gone, her baby was gone, and she couldn't bear it.

It was official that Mila was theirs now, too, and it was the one thing she left her bedroom for - venturing downstairs to sign the paperwork needed to take on the role as the caregiver for the little girl, the girl who had no idea her parents were gone...never to come back again.

A funeral had been held the day after, just a day before Adria went into hiding and she cried and grieved so much that she felt drained afterwards, unable to contain her sobs and finally she hid in her room.

Mila was joining her that day, lying next to her just staring at the girl as she was dressed in the small baby grow. She was a tiny baby - speaking in mumbled sentences but she cried in the night for her parents...wishing for them to return to her and the fact that they didn't was simply too heartbreaking for Adria to bear.

"You know..." Adria whispered quietly, she talked to Mila, it was the only thing she felt was less draining and she knew Jude missed her, so did Sirius but whenever she heard the boy talking of her, Sirius would say that she needed a bit of time.

He had always been so strong for her, there for her and was the one with the mask of an alright man over his mourning. He hid his grieving behind a wall so that it was as though he was okay, so he could pretend to be alright for Jude, too.

He had lost his child, too, and every thought of it broke him into a million pieces.

It didn't matter to him that they were young - that child would have been loved by so many...grown up in a world going to hell but it didn't matter because it would have been shielded from that by parents who loved them with everything they had.

"Your daddy was always so grumpy," Adria whispered, moving the brown curls similar to her own out of the girl's face, and forcing a smile for her wide eyes of wonder, "and your mother was simply the exact opposite. She was such a happy woman, your mother, always smiling - always cheery. I wonder if you'll take after her...you certainly look like her."

Mila giggled, and the smile on Adria's face wasn't as forced as before at the sound, "I remember meeting you. That first day in the hospital...I remember how frantic your grandfather was, and your brother too.

Oh, Merlin, you were so small...so precious and everyone just adored you as soon as they laid eyes on you." Adria shook her head. The most painful thing she saw was the bump of her stomach going down with the lack of her child, her child wasn't there anymore...gone - not even truly formed yet, and removed to save Adria from such harsh pain, and every thought of it sent her into another state of mourning.

She placed Mila on her stomach, legs up so that she rested on them and took her small hand, "I suppose you'll be joining Jude in nursery soon," she whispered, tucking the long hair of the young girl behind her ears, "I'm not sure, though. I'm not sure I can really go back to the bakery."

Mila's head tilted. Adria knew that the young girl had no idea what she was really talking about, but she needed to talk to someone, she just couldn't handle the thought of leaving her room long enough to talk to someone who could reply.

Mila listened, though, regardless of really knowing what she said.

"I mean...I could bake cakes here, right?" she sighed, "it could be a distraction, though. I was leaving soon...for...the pregnancy. I could still leave - maybe not for good, but for a while."

She sat up, kissing Mila's head, "I don't know what to do, Mila."

She shook her head, playing with the girl's locks, "everything was crazy but it was functional. I was working at the bakery, and things were a mess, but it was a mess I could deal with. I loved the bakery - I could have stayed there forever because baking is wonderful, and I enjoy it. But...I caught a glimpse of what Sirius goes through on the rare occasion he goes out on an order mission.

He can't go out on them much because of me...because I was pregnant, and he was scared and so was I but he still did it, and doing that made me terrified. Throwing curses like that were terrifying, but I felt powerful.

I felt like I could make a difference in this war - I guess that's why the full order does it because they can make a difference. They fight for a better world...and I don't know - maybe I was just trying to be ignorant

Ignorant of my world, the wizarding world. That I could live a muggle life as long as I was occupied and grieving, and I am grieving. But your daddy and your mummy would not want me to be here, lying here and grieving so much - I know that I know that your mummy would want me to look after you and I will do everything in my power to make sure that you have the best life you ever can.

But your daddy would want me to fight - he'd want me to be safe, of course, but he'd want to fight for the injustice in the world because if he had a wand then he would surely fight. I have to fight, don't I? I have to join this order and fight for them because if I don't then Ill waste away in here, I'll do nothing for my people, and I can't live a life like that."

She picked up Mila with a deep breath, opening the door to their home. Jude was at nursery and Sirius had time off of work - he couldn't bear the thought of going back there, he didn't want to go back there, and Adria knew that if both of them quit their jobs and fought in the order, they'd not be losing a ton of money.

They had enough to live a normal life, not a rich life, but to have enough to last them for a long time, and she was sure that was a talk she and Sirius would have to have at some point. She knew it was a talk she had to have at some point.

But she also knew that if she could, then after she fought in this war - she'd want to go back to the bakery, go back to May and serve tea and decorate cupcakes because it was fun and relaxing and she enjoyed it.

"I think you need a nap," Adria whispered as quietly as she could. She could hear the voices of muggle television from downstairs and sighed. The month after her wedding was a time for love and making love, it was a time to be infatuated and ignore worries and responsibilities and wrap herself up with Sirius and be with him and only him.

It should not be a time to grieve and mourn.

She held Mila close as she yawned, and opened the door to her - and Jude's - room. Jude had specifically ordered that Mila be in his room, and when Adria and Sirius asked why just over a month ago, he said he would have to tell her that her mummy and daddy weren't gone, she just couldn't see him.

Adria cried for the full night after he said that.

She was sure the worst thing in her home life was her lack of seeing Sirius. He had decided painfully that he couldn't disturb her - and so he made her food and left it by her bedroom door every day, and slept on their couch every night to allow her to grieve.

Because, yes, he lost a member of his family and he definitely lost his child, but she lost the baby she had been carrying, she lost the child she saw the bump of and felt the bump of under her hand. She wanted that child to enter the world and she was hoping for it, and she lost her big brother - her oldest brother.

She lost the one who was annoyed and grumpy all of the time, and the very definition of an angsty teenager at one point in his life, and she needed space. But as much as she may need space, and that she may need to be alone - that never applied to Sirius, and he had still yet to figure that out.

When Mila was soundly sleeping was when Adria finally closed the room door behind her, taking a deep breath and venturing downstairs instead of back to her bedroom. She had hardly seen Sirius and it killed her, all she wanted was her husband to whisper that it was all going to be alright, even if it wasn't.

She leaned against the entrance of the living room, just watching Sirius as he read a textbook he still had and she was sure it was actually property of the Hogwarts library. She took a deep breath, stepping into the room, "hi."

His eyes snapped up, closing the textbook suddenly and not even caring of the page he was on. She moved to sit with him, reaching for his hand with the softest, smallest smile, "I miss you."

"Addy..." Sirius trailed off, and she shook her head, leaning in and capturing his lips.

"It's alright...I'm alright," she whispered against his lips, "I'm not...happy. I don't think I'll be a happy person for a while, but that doesn't mean I'm not alright. I'm grieving - but so are you, and we are a team. I've had a month to myself and it's been a bad month because I haven't had you.

I know you wanted to give me space to be alone," she cupped his cheek, "but being alone is excluding you. I just...miss you. I wish we had the month after our wedding to just be with each other."

"Oh Merlin, I missed you," he shook his head and she smiled, running her hands through his hair, "do you feel numb?"

"I feel numb," she repeated his words with a nod, "everything is so hectic. I'm worried - it's like I've been alone for a full month and, yet I've not properly grieved at all, I've just been numb this full time. I'm...terrified, Sirius, I'm terrified that one day it's all going to hit me.

And I mean all of it. I mean dad...too."

He held her face in his hand, kissing her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, her eyelids, every inch he could possibly reach, "you know...that day," he took a deep breath, "I know that it was the worst day of your life-"

"And somehow...the best," she whispered, eyes fluttering to stare at him, "Sirius the memory of our wedding ceremony is still the best memory I have. The thought of being Mrs Hopkins-Black is an honour I'll keep locked in my heart forever.

I love you, alright? and that night was so fucking painful for the both of us, but that day was the best of my life," she leaned into him, kissing him softly, "the very thought of marrying you was a gift...a dream, even, and regardless of the events of that night, it was a beautiful day.

My brother walked me down the aisle, and I'll have that memory too."

"I heard you talking to Mila...not today - but, other days," he whispered quietly, "about the bakery, the order...the war. Whatever you choose to do, Addy, it's your choice, of course, it's what you want.

I'll be there beside you, holding your hand and supporting you." She leaned in and kissed him.

"I want to fight in the order," she sighed, "but we have enough money to live a normal life, Sirius. I'm not saying a wealthy one, but we can afford to live for a long time. We could fight when we need to, and come home and help each other...not work.

We can be wizards again."

"Is that what you want?" asked Sirius, knowing very well that he wanted that. He wanted to fight.

"Do you?"

"I do."

"I do, too."