When it happens, what am I gonna do?

I'll probably be one of the first to die.

I'll stay with my family; hide out in the places we have set.

Survive, gather, eat, pray, live.

If you can call that living.

Or maybe I'll be one of the very few people who will adapt quickly and actually survive.

I highly doubt that.

I can hide my feelings, hide my exhaustion (though hiding them makes me more exhausted), but I'll break eventually. Everyone breaks at one point or another.

I think I'm close.

Right now I mean.

I have a limit, and losing two friends within 30 days is pushing me near it.

I already had one breakdown when the first left. I don't want another.

Cos, after too many, you stop feeling.

You stop caring, you stop trying to care, and you just stop.

You die inside, and as much as I may say it's a good thing in the long run, I don't want to be like that.

I have a younger brother and sister I have to think about.

What kind of example would I be setting if I just stopped caring about everything?

Not a very good one.

I'm selfish, but not that selfish.

Not to mention how it would effect my parents.

So no.

No breakdowns.

I have to hold it all in.

But that's what causes them in the first place.

So that's why I need to try and figure out how to not hold it all in.

I don't know how not to.

I don't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling except my good friends... Which are all on the Internet.

Nothing against you guys of course, cos you help immensely.

But when mom and dad see me all depressed and angry one night then happy and pooping rainbows the next morning, they get worried.

And for good reason.

To them it looks like I'm having major mood swings- and I've never gotten mood swings. Ever.

I'm messed up, aren't I?

Though isn't everyone?

I used to feel really guilty because I don't have anything physically wrong with me or my life.

I have perfect vision.

I have no health problems.

I have no family history of health problems.

My family is upper middle class and we are whole. I have my dad and mom both, several grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles, two siblings and a dog.

We have almost no debt, I have my own car and a steady stream of income and my life is generally awesome.

I used to hate that. I used to hate not having problems and feel guilty because I knew so many other people in the world have numerous problems.

Sigh.

Ignore me. I'm rambling because I'm feeling emotional and introspective at the moment.

What do you all honestly think of me?

Don't sugar-coat it.

Tell me my flaws, what you don't like about me. Tell me what's wrong with me so I can find it and fix it.

There must be something wrong with me.

Tell me. Just scream it in my face. I can take it.

Tell me what's wrong with me.

Nngh. *slides down the wall with my knees to my chest and holds my head*

There is something wrong with me that everyone but me sees. There has to be.

...right?