iii.

Daniel had made you a promise. That  is to bring him to the go-kart circuit first before he gives you his decision because to him, even though your offer looks unharmed, but it could cost his name a ruin. Despite what you said about his fans, he still thinks that people still hate him since the accident and he can't live with another scandal.

            When you come to pick Daniel up at Melbourne Park, he was not alone. A companion, a guy, who looks like him from afar is with him. Then, as you reach closer, you realise two of them look so different physically. While Daniel is lean and petite, his companion is built, tall and muscles everywhere.

            You know him. You recognise his face. He used to be with Daniel on the grid a lot. Even when Daniel was off, he was still there with him spending time wherever they were. Yes, they were that close. Michael was important to Daniel when he was still an F1 driver. But seeing him with Daniel now, makes you realise that Michael is more than a coach or a friend. He is Daniel's brother. His family.

            Also, the fact that he let you took him to lunch last week after his panic attack while being strangers feels funny to you because now, that you're taking him to see the karting club with Michael, someone he knows. Though it's better this way. At least, you have another sane person to convince Daniel that he has to take the "job" for his own good.

            "I hope you don't mind for me to tag along," Michael says once he's seated at the back behind Daniel.

            You smile genuinely at Michael through the rear-view mirror. Somehow, even though this is the first time you met Michael, you already feel comfortable being around him. "I don't. The karting club needs more audience, anyway. I hope you guys are excited to see the karting club."

            Micheal beams at you, almost like the cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland. He says something so cheerfully that makes you smile from ear to ear and it reminds you of Adam. Well, the Adam before the lost of his uncle.

            You rarely turns on the radio while you're driving. The most you'd do is turning on the music, bluetooth from your mobile phone, but to avoid awkwardness, you turn on the radio with the presence of Daniel and Michael. And it's the only noise in the car for the first ten minutes of the drive. It was until Michael pointed something outside the window.

            A few seconds after that, after exchanging some jokes and opinions on something that Michael pointed, Daniel becomes a man you never seen before. Well, at least, since you've known him last week. Though the new man you now see is probably who Daniel is.

            Truth is, Daniel is the type of person who doesn't stop talking. At least, with Micheal around, asking stupid questions, making stupid jokes (one that you found yourself gripping the steering wheel until your knuckles turn white.) He laughs at something that is not funny at all. At some point, his voice makes your head hurts.

            Maybe you can't blame Daniel for being loud. Maybe it's your fault because you're the type of person who rather drives in silence. You don't know how to tell Daniel to tone down his annoyingness so for the mean time, so now you have to go with it. Plus, not like you're going to drive him around in the future, right? If he decided to agree on coaching Adam, surely he must have someone he hires to drive him to the karting club and back home, right?

            The familiar narrow road finally makes its appearance after 45 minutes of drive. You turn off the air-cond off and roll down your window, letting the fresh breeze of the outskirts hits your skin. The smell of home makes your heart melt. It's only yesterday that you were here yet you missed this place as if you haven't visited for a long time. Wanting to see if you're not feeling this alone, you glance at the person right next to you.

            "Wow!" You hear, not only one, but two men mutter in unison. "How come I never knew this place exists."

            "It's pretty, isn't it?"

            "Yeah," both of them answer you at the same time. Again.

            You glance at the rear-view mirror. The reaction Michael has on his face is almost identical to Daniel's. It looks as if they're twins. A genuine laugh escapes your throat, though it quickly dies down two seconds after that. Why? Because a thought of Luke crosses your mind. You remember how he had a twin—though not his identical twin. It's Adam. That little boy adopted many of Luke's facial expression and personalities even though he was only two years old at the time.

            The canopy trees finally welcome you as you enter the main entrance of the go-kart circuit. The sound of motor engine that came from the right side of the circuit tells you that the race has already started. Maybe they're only three laps out so you won't miss out anything much.

            You slow down your car as you drive straight until the grand building becomes bigger. The public parking spaces are almost occupied to the brim. Finally, you pull your car at a space where it is reserved for "Zahara Amin."

            "Come on, boys. We—" you say once you've parked your car and turn off your engine, collecting your belongings, oblivious that Michael and Daniel are staring the big building on their left with wide, glittering eyes. It's as if they're two little boys looking at their favourite toy. "Um. Guys...?"

            Daniel is the first to take his attention off the building and turn to you. "You have your own parking space?" He sounds delirious like it's his birthday and you're the best friend who brought him to a surprise.

             "Yeah, well, I'm closed with the family who owns this place."

            You wanted to add more, but decided not to thinking that it's boring.

            Daniel frowns at you. For some reason, what you said doesn't sound correct to his ears. "Who are you, Zahara Amin?"

            Spontaneously, you grimace when Daniel calls your full name. It feels as if you're being called out by your mother when you've done something wrong even though you've done nothing wrong.

            You open your mouth to answer Daniel but Michael who beats you to it.

            "Zahara Amin? That's your name? You're the Zahara Amin?" Michael's eyes bulge out of its sockets. You suck in your breath, prepared yourself for what's coming next. Let's be honest—you haven't gotten this kind of attention for a few years now. Since Luke died. "Oh my god! I can't believe it! Miss Amin, I'm a big fan of your work! Your books. They're amazing!"

            Michael thrusts his arm out, offer his hand to shake with yours. Then, your hand connects with his, you feel his warm and calloused and firm hand, shaking your hand excitedly. It seems that the man is a big fan of your work and it seems that he read almost every book you've written judging by how he's praising your books.

            At the corner of your eyes, you see Daniel looking at you up and down. As if judging you. As if sizing you down. Or maybe it's only your imagination. Michael lets go of your hand just as when Daniel opens his mouth.

            "Wait, wait, wait. What?"

            "The author of your favourite book!" Michael answers excitedly. The fact that he says your celebrity crush's favourite book is yours makes your heart flips. "Remember the one that I made you read during the winter break? And you said that it makes you feeling all kinds of emotion, and that you hate it but kind of loved it? Like—yeah. That's her. That's she."

            Daniel doesn't say anything, but his eyes tell you something while they stare back at you as you stare back at him. He's surprised with your offer last week. He's processing the message Michael told him, that you are his favourite author and he is in the same car with you. It's not that he doesn't feel anything at the moment, but he doesn't know how to react.

            Because how? Does he need to jump like a little girl? Does he need to shake your hand like what Michael did?

            "So if you're Zahara Amin—"

            "So if you're Zahara Amin," Michael interrupts Daniel and acts as if he didn't do anything wrong, "and you said that the family who owns this place knows you. And that you were once engaged to Luke Hampton, who died in a car crash and who had a go-kart circuit, then that means that this is the Hampton's Go-kart Circuit."

            "Bingo!"

            "You must be fucking— I've been dreaming to come here since fucking forever!" Michael is overjoyed. "And maybe one day to coach them—"

            Like a boy who sees his favourite playground, he hops out of your car and practically runs towards the front entrance of Hampton's Go-kart Circuit. Luke was the official owner of the building. His love for F1 didn't stop with knowledge and what happened on the TV screen. He was willing to do anything to make himself close to F1 so he invested his own money to build a go-kart circuit. But after he died, the building is taken over by his family and his cousins.

            You watch as Michael disappear into the main building before your eyes snap at Daniel's. "Something's wrong?"

            "Why didn't you tell me that you had a fiancé?"

            "I didn't think it matter." Because he died, you wanted to add, but you didn't want to make it more awkward between you and Daniel so omit that fact.

            "And he died in a car crash?"

            You roll your eyes at him. You don't want a pity from him. "It was three years ago, Daniel. I've moved on."

            No. Truthfully, you haven't. You haven't moved on from it. Not a single step forward. You still remember him in every way possible even though three years has passed. Because what you had with Luke wasn't just a relationship. There were more than just that.

            Luke was your best friend right at the moment you met him because both of you just clicked. He understood your joke even though he refused to laugh but shake his head instead. He shook his head, but there was a smirk. His eyes were so amused, but there was love in there. A love that you know you wouldn't find randomly anywhere else or from someone else. That's how you knew he was the one for you.

            "That time when you helped me calm down from my anxiety attack... You experienced that too, didn't you?"

            You laugh at Daniel. You heard it everywhere. That people say mental health is important, but no matter how important they make it sound, you never feel comfortable sharing it out loud especially not to a person whom you just met.

            You didn't let Daniel ask you any more questions regarding your life so you hop out and round the car. You didn't immediately help open the car door for him, but silently, you let Daniel make an effort to open the door himself. It took him three tries though the door is merely ajar for an inch. Daniel uses his shoulder to push the car door wider.

            Soon, you're walking side by side with Daniel towards the stairs and into the main entrance of the of the main building.

            There are already people enjoying the race indoor, appreciating the cool breeze from the air-conditioner even though it's not that hot outdoor. You say hi to several people, smile at them politely, introducing Daniel as your friend instead of a former F1 driver.

            It hurts Daniel a bit because, deep down, he still consider himself an F1 driver. Deep down, he still believe and holding on to the day when he can become an F1 driver again, but the truth is, he knows he's lost the title a year ago, so what else to lose. Plus, he was keen not to let you expose his whereabout to the media so you introducing him as your friend is probably the best. As of right now.

            Daniel follows you until both of you are back outdoor, standing just outside the track. A stack of tyres up to Daniel's waist separated the audience and the track.

            "Tell me which one is Adam."

            It doesn't take you long to recognise Luke's nephew even though from afar these kids look the same inside their suits and helmets. "The one in black helmet with purple stripes."

            "Is that Lewis's inspired helmet?"

            You chuckle to yourself. Of course, Daniel would know! He's one of the people Hamilton was closed with on the grid. "Adam was only two when Luke bought that helmet for him but the helmet it was too big for Adam's two-year-old head so his mother kept it somewhere safe until Adam is big enough to fit it on."

            "And... he's at the back?"

            "He is." You sigh. "He is a good driver, but truth is, ever since Luke died Adam has been struggling to drive."

            "I—" Daniel squints his eyes at you. "I don't follow."

            You frown. "I didn't tell you?"

            Daniel frowns back. Now he thought he was one who forgot things.

            Until then, you realise that it was Michael who knew about you and Luke while Daniel doesn't know anything, not a little bit.

            You slap your own forehead, making Daniel laughs at your behaviour. "Of course! You're not Michael. Come on. Let's talk somewhere else. It's too noisy out here."

            You brought Daniel elsewhere. Somewhere quieter. You ended up bringing Daniel to Adam's garage. This little garage where you first met Luke years ago. You barely remember which year because every time you spend the time with your lovely fiancé, it feels like the first time and forever at the same time. You grab two plastic chairs from inside of the garage and set both of them just outside of the garage. Here, you can see the race clearly.

            Someone would think that after years of spending your time at the circuit and the garage, you must be used to the smell of burning tyres and oil. Maybe at some point, you would even like them. Like it's the smell of home. However, what you're feeling right now is the exact opposite of those.

            Their smell makes you gag. You don't know why. Yes, maybe some people are right. That you should get used to them this far, but no. Your system couldn't take it. And when you notice how the smell is even stronger on the outside rather than the inside of the garage, you drag the chairs farther away. Maybe a little to the big tree where you'd get more H2O.

            Beside you, Daniel who is breathing in deeply with his eyes close. His shoulders relaxed. The shady tree, the cool breeze, the sound the go-karts engines, must give Daniel a nostalgia.

            "You must miss it, don't you?"

            Daniel pops open his eyes. It's as if he suddenly realise he's not the only person on earth.

            "I don't know why I'm still not used to the smell, though. It's too strong. Always makes me gag."

            You keep your eyes on Daniel, waiting for him to say something. Maybe tells you about his childhood. But he doesn't. He keeps his eyes on the go-kart circuit. His eyes watch the little cars going around the track. Analysing, calculating, observing. You wonder if he's actually embarrassed for getting caught by you over his obsession of the smell of burning tyres and oil.

            Before the situation gets more awkward, you open up: "When Adam first got involved in go-kart he was only two years old. Luke was always there with him. Inside. Outside. In the garage. The weekends were the best days. They used to watch the F1 races together."

            Daniel also has a nephew. Though he remembers that Isaac was still struggling with his potty training at two instead of showing interest at go-kart.

            "And being two, he learns everything fast. He was very good at karting. Seriously, he awed a lot of team managers until eventually one of them signed Adam to a Junior Karting Academy. Adam is still young, but they were willing to coach and train Adam as long as it takes to make his dream come true."

            "At two, huh."

            "Yeap. At two. Trust me, I didn't even believe that either. We thought Adam was too young, but Luke makes everything easy. Adam loved it so much that sometimes, he begged us to bring him here when Luke was not able to. He died later that year. And that's when everything changed. Adam didn't understand, but we know he missed his uncle so much. That's the reason why he's been performing badly. At first, we thought it will only last for a few days or maybe weeks but—"

            "—it has been going on for three years." Daniel finishes you sentences. "Have you tried to talk to him?"

            "I did everything. Just like what you did to get yourself back into F1." You feel Daniel tenses, but you choose to ignore it and continue with Adam's story. "His family and I even brought him to a vacation. His coach suggested that."

            "Did it work?" Daniel struggles to take a sip of his Sprite, but he manages well.

            "For a few races, yeah. Until he understands that Luke will not come back and he lost every strength in him. Sometimes, we think Adam does this only for Luke, but we don't know for sure. He might love go-kart personally, but maybe it's difficult without the person you trust the most with you."

            Daniel doesn't know what to say, but through his journey to be an F1 driver, he knows he felt the same way. Maybe older than Adam, but he was still young and naïve. He still remember he needed supports from his parents. Maybe he's far from his friends who are back home, but without them Daniel wouldn't even had a chance in F1 because he didn't have the motivation. But Adam... At two...

            Daniel takes another sip of his Sprite, watching the race unfolding itself in front of his eyes. He's keeping his eyes on that particular kid who is wearing a smaller version of Hamilton's racing helmet. Even from this far, Daniel sees the mistakes Adam is making—fails to hold his position, fails to control the shift, too early pressing the break before a turn, leaving too much space for other drivers at the turn, twists the wheel too much, wrongly put his weight on his kart.

            "What about you?" Daniel suddenly asks, which makes your heart stutters for a few seconds.

            You raise your eyebrow at Daniel. "What about me?"

            "How are you doing since... you know?" When you're still silence after a few seconds, Daniel quickly adds, "Hey, it's okay if you don't want to answer. I just thought that it's fair since you probably already know a lot about me and my illness and my bitchy attitude."

            His last sentence genuinely brought a laugh to you. "It's fine."

            "Hmm," he hums in reply. But knows.

When Adam finishes his race, he quickly rushes out of his car. He takes off his helmet, searches for you, and screams your name as soon as he spots you. One that brings attention to other people in the building. The adults smile at the sight of a five-year-old boy hugging your thigh with sweats still running down his forehead. It's one of the things that he inherited from Luke.

            Somewhere during the race, you and Daniel parted. Now, even though he's inside the building, but he's standing by himself with Michael. And what happens between you and Adam was witnessed by both of them. You're unaware, but Daniel's heart... his heart warms with the scene. He doesn't know that he's got that drooling kind of smile until he feels Michael nudges him in the rib.

            "You're drooling, man."

            Daniel quickly wipes the side of his mouth, but confused when his finds out that his hand is dry. "You cunt!"

            And this is exactly why he's not ready to go out yet. Even though he had a nephew and a niece back at home, but somehow, it's hard to control himself from cursing especially with Michael around. He didn't realise he was saying that out loud until he's got all eyes in the building on him!

            Daniel is lost for words. But he particularly more ashamed of himself, flushing deeply, when he notices that you are looking at him. You have a smile on your face. It might only because you just joked around with Adam, but Daniel thought you're smiling because of him. He swore that it makes his heart beats faster in his chest.

            And then he sees Adam is on your hips. Your arms around Adam's back, holding him protectively so the little boy won't fall. And suddenly, an image of you holding his son—as in you and Daniel's son—flashes at the back of his mind. Now, he can hear his heart drums in his ears.

            "Come on." Daniel seems to make out your mouth saying to Adam. "I want you to meet someone."

The meeting with Adam was fun. All of you—you, Daniel and Michael—enjoyed it. What's more surprising and relieving was that Adam enjoyed it even though you haven't told Adam that Daniel is the Daniel Ricciardo, the former F1 driver.

            "Thank you for today," you thank Daniel after Michael left your car.

            "No. Thank you." Daniel smiles. And it doesn't take a psychologist to let you know that it's an honest smile. Realisation hits you that this is probably the first time you see Daniel smiles since the accident, since you met him. "I had fun today. Thanks. Again."

            "It feels like forever since we genuinely had fun, isn't it?" You laugh when you remember the struggle Daniel is facing and the one that you're facing. Both of you might have different reasons to your grieves, but the core is still the same, isn't it?

            "But just to be sure, please don't—"

            "The guests at the Hampton's Go-kart Circuit today were a bit special," you explain. "Most of them were invited personally by me. And to be sure that your existence are not to be spoken by anyone out of the circuit and after today, I made them sign an agreement."

            "You really did that?"

            You nod your head. "So don't worry about it, okay? I know what it feels like. And if you still haven't figured out what I do for a living—yes, I'm a writer. Not many people know, but it still can get overwhelming when people recognise me in public. And yes, I get some 'I'm sorry your fiancé died.' But... ngeh."

            "I'm sorry."

            "Yeah, it's three—"

            "You cannot lie to me. Your face tells me everything I want to know. It still affects you." Daniel pauses. "And Zara, I want to be Adam's coach."

            Any sad, grieve, frustrated emotion just now are replaced with excitement.

            "Are you serious? You want to be Adam's coach? Seriously? Oh my god—wait, you're not doing this because you feel bad towards Adam, are you?"

            Daniel laughs at your reaction. "No. I just think you're right. That it's time for me face my fears. Though there will be terms and conditions, but maybe this is a start."

            "Oh! Thank you much, Daniel! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" You hug Daniel tightly.

            The tremble on Daniel's body is mild, but you can still feel them especially when it is pressed tightly against your body.

            Daniel tenses. He doesn't move his arms around your torso to hug you back. And that's when you realise what you have done. You're probably the first person he lets himself acquainted with after months of hiding and now, you're crossing the line. You're hugging him like he is your long-time friend.

            Worried that you might lose his trust, you quickly pull back. "Sorry. I get a little—when I get excited," you mumble.

            Both of you ended up exchanging phone numbers so that it will be easier for you contact Daniel your next plan. Though Daniel makes it clear that he won't be around all the time and that Adam's schedule might need some changes so that both of them can make it. Either way, you're excited to see Adam and Daniel working together. And you already see the success Daniel brings to the team.