There were no tears now in my eyes,no thoughts,no emotions. I stood at the edge of the terrace,I knew I could jump and this would all end for me. Then again I felt stupid. Why am I doing this? I'm I so in love? I didn't knew but all I understood was love happens,love happens too quickly and perhaps love in a glance happens too,I look through my blurry vision in the frosty air,can someone feel my pain,can someone access my body and my soul can get rid of this carnal body.

I saw the darkness move in a circle around my head,I saw Tue moon.....moon princess? Tears appeared again dissolving the vision I had,I sat down. It was cold,I had nothing to protect myself for. I didn't knew why I was crying for something that wasn't ever mine....

The morning approached and I attended my Aunt who was having the conversation with the maid,discussing the grocery and dairy products to be bought from the market. She said,the engagement would be tomorrow. I wasn't affected by it at all my emotions have flowed into the air through my tears.

I could hardly speak but now I needed my voice to help me out this time "I think I should go with her,since it's the engagement party, I think someone should supervise her and handle the shopping. I'll see if I can get something else too for decorations and stuff"

I immediately turned after speaking for I couldn't hold my tears for longer,I thought I was done crying but here they are again.

"That would be excellent! But Bareek is getting the decorators from the town today don't worry we won't cut off this event on a small budget for your sister!" She said and patted my shoulder and left.

I sniffed my tears back and waited for the car to come take me away from this place. I feel suffocated here now,the main market is about an hour or so away, the very reason I want leave. I would spend all my time there and I hope to not return.

I could see Mehreen walking towards the kitchen I fled from the back door,I can't face her.I can't.

I sat in the car and the maid with Tufayl accompanied.
Aunt must have sent Tufayl. He's not trouble though,he hardly looked at me,engrossed in his phone.

I felt healed as I was taken away from the mansion,the market place was far away,it was healing me,the distance.
I need to be strong. I need to face this. I cannot be so cowardly. I must accept this relation gracefully. Burhan loves her,she would love Burhan,where am I in this picture?

I don't know by Burhan had to say all those things to me,I misinterpreted them. I'm a deserted soul on my beloved land now. The market place was busy but nothing affected me,I didn't bother to leave the car,the maid sure had problems with that.

She asked me if we could get the meat from a little farther,I accepted her suggestion as I just wanted to be anywhere far but return home.

When the car was packed with all the bags. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing anyone back. I ran into a small supermarket and stood there.

"Have you gone crazy?" Tufayl exclaimed as he followed me in.

"I need to use the bathroom!" I answered quickly and started looking for the same.

When I entered into the bathroom,it was a small,vaguely lit washroom with jittery lights. The smell was horrible,it was dirty and cold. I opened one of the toilet booth inside and it was horrendous. I walked back, I breathed out and held my breath. I don't want to go home but I don't know what else can make me stay here.

I sat in a corner of that bathroom and covered my mouth and nose. I was shivering again,my head tapping the wall back. I hate what is happening to me and I can't even control it.

I rejected three calls by the maid who I requested to not enter inside.
But the fourth time she said she was needed to see me so I gave up. I sat in the car,my absence has not affected Tufayl it seemed as he didn't even took notice of my return.

When the car started,he looked at me and cleared his throat "take this drink,you'll feel better"

I wanted to smile in gratitude but I failed.

We had wasted an hour in the supermarket. Now aunt has been calling the driver over and over and has wished to speak with me. I told her all was fine and I just had a head spin with all the driving.

My way to home, I cried. I took this decision that I will  not cry anymore. When I was done crying,I knew I had to smile a lot now. So I practises how to smile because somehow my lips weren't curving into a smile with even my hardest tries. We returned by the sunset.

I plastered the smile and walked inside but in the hallway I saw Burhan,my smile broke into a frustrated sigh. I am trying and nothing is working,I'd rather be angry than sad to people. But the angry was so too bringing tears.

I met Aunt,who told me I should rest because I didn't look fine. I took advantage of her advice and buried myself in covers in my mum's room. I didn't knew when but I slipped into a sound sleep.

When I woke up,I was confused, of how long I slept I didn't knew. I saw my phone and it was 1am. But the house wasn't quit yet,I was suddenly afraid that I've slept for a whole day and it is Mehreen and Burhan's engagement today. The despair was losing Burhan chilled my spine. The laughs in the passage haunted my psyche! I was uncontrollably shaking. I cannot lose Burhan! I love  him!

I ran upstairs in without my scarf,I rushed into my room but it was empty,where was everyone? In the back lawn?

I ran to the balcony and stared with my eyes wide open. No one was there,it was pitch dark,the meadows weren't visible and the moon was thin and the light was timid.

I heard steps behind and I sharply turned.

Mawra and Mehreen came laughing towards me.

"Where were you all day! Aabish has made us a mess laughing!" Mawra exclaimed.

I tried to calm myself down and restore my drama.

"You didn't even congratulate me properly" Mehreen said gelding my arms.

I saw Burhan entering the passage, my eyes fixed on him.
I answered in a loud voice "I am the happiest with this engagement, I am so so happy for you! I love you Mehreen"

Burhan's face grew apprehensive, he didn't take his eyes from me "You should be happy,I should have been happier if you would have helped me" he said in vex.

"Helped? In what?" Mawra asked in confusion.

"In concerning me before she went to the main market,I wanted something from there" Burhan instantly covered.

I hate him.
Aabish joined as Mehreen left with a shy smile.

"Where were you all day dead preservative !" Aabish said pressing his hot coffee mug against my arm.

"Yeah do tell Mahnoor!" Burhan said in furry before he stormed out.

"Is he high?" Aabish asked but I was too weak and I cried,I cried losing my sense right there. My tears were flowing through my neck and I was truing to hide my face while Aabish had gripped my arms from folding.

"Noor!" He screamed "stop crying Noor! What happened,tell me mamma told you anything,my dad's existence is poisonous,what baby teacher tell me"

I just jumped in his arm,I knew not why or how. I I just hugged him and cried my heart out.he didn't move away he held me in place,he caught me safely and his embrace was warm when I realized of what I was doing,I wanted to jump aback but I first needed an excuse to my tears,so it thought before  moving away.

"I am so sad that even Mehreen's going to be married" I said losing my hands from him.

"Bruhhh! You retard! I thought you were in love with Burhan or Mehreen either! You freaking scared me Noir!" He stated,I sighed in relief that he believes my story.

Half of me was not sure if that went too easy to be true but other half of me understood that Aabish was more comfortable to accept this than the truth he might have discovered,so he fooled himself and I fooled myself.

The next day, I felt cold and anger,exasperated and vile. All of a sudden all emotions except tears have imbibed homes in me. I was talking up and down and in every room I heard about Mehreen and Burhan. Zara had requested this engagement to be in her presence for she would be leaving with her husband the next day.

Nobody puts Zara down,the engagement was a small private party,only Mehreen's few family members came from the city.
I didn't knew how but all the preparations were happening,I was blind to all the color and deaf to all the sounds. If I was eating I kept on eating,if I was listening to someone I would just keep listening even when they had stopped talking. My presence was only physical, my being had died. My hands trembled,I was announced sick by Aunt because I had a long drive a day earlier. Everything happened in my favor to hide the fact that I was in Love with Burhan.

But I didn't wanted that at times too,like I said I had turned into a very discontent soul. I wanted everybody to know I was in love with him so that he would know and this engagement wouldn't happen anymore but here I was with no way out. Sick as said and excused to be only present to see Mehreen dress in a floral pistachio gown and smiling with her pink cheeks in the love which I wanted for myself.

I wanted to run away from this place,I was dead and suffocated of the smell of the roses in the decorations and the disgusting flashy lights that passed the hallway! I wanted to tear down the fancy curtains,the golden embellishments of the center pieces and throw away the stuporous chair in between the grand stage with seemed like a big funeral of my dead feeling now! What are they celebrating !?

My sight would run to the entrance but my legs wouldn't. I regretted being brought so weak in honour. My honor meant nothing to me but my families honor,it was tied to my feet and with every gaze upon the gate I was dragged by my feet to stay on the ground. I want to run away from this hell. I want to go home,to my home and sit in my room and cry where nobody would see me crying. I will finally forget Mehreen and Burhan and everything and move in with my life.

But it was too away,so farther away that my imagination were too short to reach there.

And I stood and inhaled the sound of claps which bashed my soul as Burhan slipped the ring on her finger. I turned away with my hand on my mouth abandoning the moans of my cries,I ran into the garden. I screamed to the heavens "do you hear me! Oh lord! Take my life right now! I can't be living ,this can't be true! I want Burhan...please call me,please call the death upon me. Without him this life would be as death to me twice as painful than any hell"

I collapsed on the ground.

A driver at a distant helped me back to my legs. He urged to get help but I told him I was alright. How funny is the fact,that now when I have all the opportunity to call off the engagement I won't do so,I am a coward. I will suffer.
I rose to my legs when I regained my self. I never knew I was so strong till I was put to test. I retuned the ceremony where I saw Burhan smiling,I walked aback. I saw my brother leaving for the city,I looked at Burhan again.

I ran towards the entrance and held my brother's arm.
"I wanna go back home with you"

He was a bit surprised to discover my state,he opened the door of his and his eyes splurged "what happened Noor!"

I sat inside and told him I was just sick but he insisted to take me back to mum. "I beg you brother please take me home or else I'd die with this trauma please" I broke into tears again.

He sat in the car again,he pulled out his phone but I snatched it. "Please" I cried.

"Have to inform Mum Noor!" He said worriedly.

"I just wanna go home,she won't let me. Please" I pressured in a sob.

He could never see me cry,I was weeping heavily before his sight. He was in discomfort. He drove out of the mansion and my sobs got wilder,he kept moving and nervously running his hand from his mouth to hitting the steering.

He finally stopped at a few miles away "please stop crying Noor, I cannot take it"

I held myself. And he drive me back home.