A few days after our fight and after my emotions have calmed down a bit, I'm just getting back from work. The last days were exhausting, but I know I can't take that many days off anymore, because the year is not quite over yet and my days off are almost used up. Besides, life goes on, I can't sit in front of the TV all day and eat a whole box of ice cream myself.

Unlocking the front door, I throw my keys into the small glass plate at the entrance and take off my shoes. Luckily, I didn't have much to do at work today and managed to leave two hours before I was supposed to finish and before anyone could stuff me with more work. After I hung up my jacket I hear my stomach growling and my belly contracting painfully. I haven't eaten all day today. Lately, I simply have no appetite anymore and my work colleagues simply go to lunch without me.

I decide to go with something light and not complicated and take a pack of instant noodles out of the kitchen cabinet before pouring a decent amount of water into a pot and turning on the stove. There's this thick lump that has been sitting in my throat for weeks now forbidding me to eat ordinary meals, which has caused me to lose a lot of weight lately without really wanting to. If you look at it from the good side, at least I'm able to fit into my favorite jeans again, which had become a bit too tight for me recently.

As usual, I try to think of everything from the good side. When I have a headache, I think I can at least go to sleep earlier, when I cut my finger because of my clumsiness, I think I feel at least something other than the pain in my chest.

Last week, after Jungkook uttered those painful words, I was not feeling well at all. I don't know how I managed to get home, but I collapsed behind the door after I closed it. I didn't know words could hurt you so much. My ex hurt me with his actions, but Jungkook does it in a much worse way. And he doesn't even realize it.

Not noticing that the water in the pot is already boiling, I just look out the window into the empty. It is a sunny and warm day, from outside I can hear my neighbor listening to groovy music and someone else mowing his lawn. I can't remember the last time I went out, just having fun, but to be honest I'm not in the mood anyway. I get out of bed with a lot of difficulties every day to go to work at all. Every day feels like torture.

A slight click sounds in my quiet apartment, which comes from the front door and a surprised and somehow frightened feeling rises in me. I look over the corner from the kitchen to the door and wonder if it's the annoying neighbor from the second floor again, who by mistake always presses the elevator to the wrong floor and thinks my apartment is his, trying to get in for hours and whining why his door doesn't open.

But as the doorknob slowly turns and the door opens, my heart starts racing, not knowing if it is possible that someone is trying to break into my apartment in the middle of the day. The door opens slowly and a person appears who I never thought I would encounter here. And it's kind of funny that I didn't even think about this person because I never thought he would show up, even though he has spent so much time here.

Jungkook.

I forgot that I had given him my spare keys so he could get into my apartment at any time. I wanted him to feel at home, but apparently this was never an option for him because he never considered what we had as home. Just thinking about it hurts me to such an extent that I just want to be swallowed up by the ground so I don't have to face him because I know I will break down. He doesn't notice that I'm standing at the doorway to the kitchen as he takes off his shoes and when he turns around again his eyes widen after he has seen me.

"Hey." I greet him carefully although I don't even feel like talking to him at all. He is hurt but he has hurt me even more.

"I just wanted to get some clothes," he mumbles, scratching the back of his neck with his hand and avoiding eye contact. "I didn't know you were at home otherwise I'd have come some other time."

I stare at him with bewilderment. Is this the way it is? He can't even come here when I'm at home? He doesn't even want to see me? I don't know how to put the piercing feeling in my chest into words, because I can't even breathe. And it makes me angry. I have lost my patience and at this point, everything he does just makes me upset.

"Wow, you can't even stay in my presence for two minutes so you tried to sneak in thinking I'm not here. Applause," I scoff, clapping my hands and turning around again. I turn off the stove with the boiling water and notice that not even much of it is left. Suddenly I don't feel like eating anyway.

I hear Jungkook mumbling something under his breath that I can't really make out and climbing up the stairs, probably to get his stuff. A few slight noises from drawers opening and closing reach my ears before I hear him running down the stairs again. I lean against the kitchen counter, arms crossed over my chest and not looking over to the stairs.

"Have you seen my charger and my black pants?" he asks, but I don't pay attention to him, the magnets on my fridge are much more interesting for me at this moment. "Have you or have you not?"

"Maybe they just disappeared like you did," I snap an angry answer.

"Why can't you just tell me, huh?"

"Because I don't want to!"

"Then I'll find them myself," he snaps back before he mumbles something under his breath that makes the water boil inside me.

I run after him and through the rage that has formed from my grief, I don't even realize how fast I run up the stairs before I arrive in my bedroom, where Jungkook is looking for his stupid belongings in one of my dressers.

"What is your problem? You show up here in my apartment acting like the biggest asshole." I wave my hand around in the air as the irritated words slide across my lips like butter. All this time I've tried to be reasonable but I can't help but think that Jungkook is testing my patience and if I'm honest I've already reached the end of it. It shall break where it is thinnest.

"Don't start that again," he sighs as he continues to look in the drawers.

"Again? I really wonder where you got the audacity from to say such a thing," I say in disbelief, my eyebrows furrowed as I try to figure out if he is being serious. "I've been thinking about what happened for weeks, hoping I might find something I missed. I'm about to become crazy Jungkook, but I don't think you're seeing any of this."

He pinches his nose and then sighs heavily once more before turning to me and I can sense the annoyance in his eyes. "Look, I just want to get my stuff and go, okay?"

"Of course, it is always you and your escaping when things get too serious. And of course, it is my fault to always try to talk to you. I thought at first it was because of your workshop, but I think that's just an excuse. Is it something I did without realizing it? I'm really starting to blame myself. I keep thinking that maybe I said or did something that you didn't like. Sometimes it even crosses my mind that maybe you met someone—"

"Don't finish that sentence," he interrupts me, the growl so deep I could swear my organs vibrated as he points his index finger at me. "You know about my past and you know damn well I would never do that."

I witness the anger, but also the pain behind his words as he spits them out. I know I touched on a sensitive topic and maybe it wasn't right of me, because I know that Jungkook is still carrying scars from his past. The fact that he opened up to me and said a dozen times that he would never do that and I still hinted at something like that makes me feel like an idiot. But I couldn't help it, I wanted to get rid of all my insecurities and worries.

"What am I supposed to think then, Jungkook?" I retort, taking a few steps towards him, although I'm not sure why this seemed like a good idea at that moment since we both have no control over ourselves and I see the blood boiling in his eyes as he shakes in anger. "You are ignoring me. You say all these painful things and I can't do anything but cry myself to sleep every night with your shirt in my arms. I have really tried to understand you, but I can't come to any logical conclusion. If it is about the workshop, I have already tried to encourage you to believe that the fire is not the end of everything and that it was an acci—"

"It was my fucking father!" he shouts, sliding his forearms over the dresser and throwing everything on top of it down to the floor, face beet red. "It was my father! Are you happy now?"

I watch in horror as Jungkook loses his temper, one after the other, throwing everything he grabs in his hands down on the floor or against the wall. I've never seen him like that before and it scares me so much that I don't dare to move even a little bit. He reaches for the vase of dried roses he would bring to all our dates, which I wanted to keep as a memory, and smashes it against the wall where my mirror is hanging and causes it to break with a loud crash.

The shards of the mirror fly in every possible direction and when they hit the floor they break into more small pieces, just like my heart. It hurts and at the same time it frightens me, it leaves me speechless.

"He is turning my life into hell and I can't do shit about it," he continues to shout, helplessness mixed with anger and sadness audible in his voice. There's a glint in his eyes that I can catch a glimpse of as he tosses everything wildly around, but it's not the usual sparkle I know. These are flames of rage that burn in his eyes and draw me into them. In this devastating moment, we are both burning.

Angry and painful sobs are the next thing I hear before Jungkook runs to the dresser on the opposite wall and lets everything on it fly around in one go. My hands jump up into my face, clutching my mouth to suppress my own sobs. Tears block my view, but they aren't enough to spare me the painful actions. My body trembles, my muscles quiver with fear and distress, and I feel my lungs suffocate because I can't breathe properly.

My bedroom has turned into a complete mess after Jungkook threw everything he could from their place, his chest heaving up and down hard. This is a side of Jungkook that I never want to experience again. Everything happened in seconds. One moment he was roaring like a lion and destroying everything around him, just like a tornado, and the next moment it is completely silent in my apartment, his deep breathing the only thing that cuts the silence.

I look at the floor, torn rose petals, glass panes, and a few pieces of clothing are scattered on the parquet floor so that there is almost no room to walk through without having to scrape your feet. I wipe the few tears that have managed to flow down my cheeks and kneel down to pick up the broken pieces. To be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing or why cleaning up is so pushing me at this moment.

My vision becomes blurry with more tears and I struggle to perceive everything in front of me as I start picking up the shards in my free hand. The events of the last minutes flash before my eyes and soft sobs together with light sniffling leave my lips. It breaks me to pieces like these shards, but no one picks me up to glue me back together and despite this, my thoughts are still only about Jungkook. All the words he screamed out ring in my head and I try to make sense of everything.

Sharp pain is what pulls me out of my thoughtless state and I see thick drops of red liquid falling from my index finger down to the floor and onto the rose petals, somehow merging with them. I hiss and let all other shards fall from my hand to stop the bleeding. Jungkook bends down next to me and just as he is about to take my hand into his, I pull it away so quickly that he flinches and pulls his hand back again.

He just stands there for a few minutes, hovering above me and I can feel his eyes on me, but I don't look up at him. It wasn't the anger that didn't let him touch me but the pain and the fear of what my eyes were witnessing a few minutes ago. I'm not necessarily afraid of him, I know he would never touch me let alone hurt me physically, but it is just unexplainable.

Soft whimpering leaves his lips as if he had now realized what he had done. As if he had not been with himself, as if someone else had controlled his body. It was the rage that pulled him up by the ropes like a puppet and destroyed everything.

I feel him looking around the room before he slowly makes his way to my bed. He groans in frustration, plopping down on the bed and when I look up at him from the floor, I see him taking his face between his hands, his elbows supported on his knees. I don't know why I'm such a person, but it breaks my heart to see him so devastated despite everything he said and did. I get up from the floor and wrap my arms securely around my own waist, biting my lips and thinking if my next question is right to ask.

"Do you not want to be with me anymore?" I ask my voice low, almost like a whisper.

"W—what?" his head snaps up so fast you'd think he'd dislocate his neck and panicked eyes meet mine. "I do. It's just. I—" he stutters, his eyes leaping across the room as he tries to find a way out of the situation. He lets his head hang low and his fringe falls over his eyes, which he turns away from me.

I take a few steps towards him until I stand an arm's length away from him, but he still doesn't look up, his shoulders hanging low along with his head. I want to cry, but on the other hand, I can't, and yet it hurts me so much to watch him crumble.

How can his father live with the conscience, knowing that he has taken away one of the most important things in his own son's life? Which father would do such a thing? Why would he do that? And why didn't Jungkook tell me? I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other.

Maybe he didn't want me meddling in his family issues. Maybe he was just embarrassed and ashamed of his father's actions.

It doesn't matter though. What is important is that Jungkook has to know that he can trust me with anything. I want him to know that no matter what happens I will still be there for him.

"Why didn't you let me be there for you?" I ask, showing that I will stay, no matter what it takes.

"I don't know. I—" he sighs, slowly lifting his gaze from the ground again. My chest tightens as I see his glassy eyes and his chin trembling. "I'm tired of getting hurt all the time."

Sharp shards, similar to those I picked up from the floor until a few minutes ago, ram into my chest as these words pass his lips. So much pain and so much exhaustion are hidden behind them that they make me wonder what else he had to go through in his life to be so broken. And what a big idiot I must have been to have never seen all this.

Perhaps Jungkook is simply too good at overacting everything, hiding his emotions behind a mask that has so far only shown his good sides. Just like that day in the park when he told me about his ex-girlfriend, I feel so stupid, but how could I have known all this when he never mentioned it himself. I once asked about his family and noticed that his behavior was changing and I didn't want to bring it up again to avoid the possibly sensitive topic. How should I have known all this?

I take the last step towards him in order to close the distance that separated me from him. When I stand in front of him his gaze drops to the floor again and I press the top of his head against my stomach, his sitting position allowing me to do so. After weeks I'm able to feel his warmth again and how it radiates to me. My fingers move slowly to his hair and I sigh when they finally feel its softness again as I brush them through his curls, which are now a little longer than before. Jungkook relaxes against my touch as I notice how his tense shoulders gradually ease.

"I'm here," I say comfortingly.

"Please don't leave me," he sniffles slightly and I realize now that he has started to cry. My own tears are gathering in my eyes and I kneel down in front of him, taking his face between my hands and making him look at me. He lifts his head a little bit, his eyes tightly closed, the tears forced not to flow out, but two hot droplets glide nevertheless over his soft cheeks, which I wipe away with my thumbs.

"I'm here," I repeat, my voice trembling through all the emotions that are buzzing inside me. His eyelids open and I'm struck by glossy and red eyes that look back and forth between mine to see their honesty.

"Show me. I need to see that you are with me. I need to know that you will not leave me. I need to feel you close," he cries.

Desperate pools of dark chocolate stare into mine, waiting with full expectation for me to prove to him everything he just wanted me to. I slowly rise back to my feet, my hands slowly reaching the buttons of my shirt and unbuttoning them one by one.

I don't know what got into me that in such a situation I could only come up with this kind of idea, but I can't say of myself that I'm thinking straight right now. I can think of nothing else but to show him this way, that he is so important to me, that I didn't even think about leaving him.

Once I reach the last button of my shirt, I strip the fabric off my shoulders and reach behind my back with both hands to unhook my bra. Jungkook's eyebrows are raised in the middle, making him look like a puppy as he watches all my movements. I also strip the tight pants together with my panties from my legs now standing completely naked in front of him. But his eyes don't even trail down my body, their puffiness now visible as he holds the eye contact with me.

Taking a step towards him, I grab him by the hand before I let him crawl up the bed, leaving him now lying in the middle of the mattress. I hover over him, grabbing the hem of his black shirt and pulling it over his head in one go. I hear his breath quickening and his bare chest rises and falls. Kissing the last tear that has managed to run down his cheek, I strip the last clothes from his body until we are both completely bare.

His eyes don't leave mine for even a fraction of a second as I settle on his hips before I take his semi-hard shaft in my hands pumping it a few times. His mouth falls open and his eyebrows furrow as I slowly sink down on him.

My hand cups his cheek and I give him a reassuring smile. A smile that is truly a sincere one for the first time in weeks. Being alone for so long and thinking about him all the time has made me feel depressed, but feeling him so raw again erases everything from my thoughts. This is all happening because it is the best way to tell someone that they mean a lot to you without really using words.

Sex is not always lust or pleasure. Sex is also affection. A way of connecting two people both physically and emotionally. Shutting off all the problems on earth and spending a moment with a person who appreciates you and is there for you. Sex is love.

Now moving my hips back and forth in a smooth way, I bring some friction between our bodies. Jungkook wanted to feel me close and that is exactly what I'm giving him right now. We both start moaning slightly, his eyes looking deep into mine and a shiver runs down my back. His gaze sinks down to my collarbones and a deep frown settles into his beautiful features.

He brings his slender fingers, which were previously on my hip, up to my bones and caresses them so lightly that a tingling sensation lies exactly where he is touching the skin. There is something painful that lies deep in his brown eyes and I know exactly the meaning of this. Due to my weight loss, my collarbones are now more prominent and I know that he is blaming himself for it. He looks apologizingly into my eyes and once again it fascinates me that we understand each other so well we don't even need to talk.

Taking his hand in mine, I place a light kiss on his knuckles before I lower it back to its previous place on my hip. I lean over his chest and brush my lips over his while my heart starts racing. The beating even pounds in my ears and I feel as nervous as the day Jungkook kissed me for the first time. He was hurt that day too, but not as much as he is now. Maybe he had a disfigured face, but still, his heart was somehow still whole.

Our eyes shut at the same time that my lips lock with his. The kiss is slow and all kinds of emotions are flowing between us. A tickling feeling sets in as I slowly move my lips against his, happy to feel the warmth and sweetness of them again. All the tension that had accumulated inside me magically fades away and crumbles, leaving only the addictive feeling of his soft pillows. I truly realize now how much I missed him. Pulling back from the kiss, Jungkook still keeps his eyes closed, his eyebrows drawn together as I move my hips a little faster.

"Look at me," I whisper and he opens his eyes immediately. He is looking for affection and I try to give it to him as much as possible. I brush the few locks of hair from his face, spotting a few drops of sweat on his temples.

"It's going to be all right," I reassure him smiling, moaning as he painfully stretches me out, but I don't care right now. "I'm right here and I will always be."

With a smooth, sudden motion, he holds me by my waist with his hand flipping us both over so that he is now hovering over me. Placing a gentle kiss on my lips, he begins to thrust into me. His thrusts are powerful, but in a way that they don't hurt me. They are deep as if he wants to feel everything of me, as if he is searching for my soul to connect it with his.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you," he admits, regret reigning over his face as he shakes his head. Just as I try to tell him the exact opposite, he hits me to it, and what he says next causes all my limbs to freeze and my eyes to widen.

"I love you."

I stare into his dark orbs, they flash so much confidence and honesty that I don't even think about whether this is a dream or real. All this time I have struggled to confess it to him because I have been sure for a long time that my feelings for him are real. But even if I had thought about it for forty years, I would never have thought that Jungkook would confess his love to me in such a situation.

"I love you so fucking much." he breathes, his hips halting. We stare into each other's eyes, mine jumping between his before he leans down and captures my lips with his, making us both moan. This kiss is more eager, more heated, and more desperate. Weeks of locked-up emotions are slowly coming to the surface.

Jungkook pulls back from the kiss, placing more on my lips before supporting himself on his hands, which he places next to my head, forcing his hips to move again. His pace increases with each thrust, desperate to do his utmost and feel every inch of me. I wrap my legs around his small waist my fingers digging into his back and when my nails scratch the delicate skin, he hisses deeply and buries his face in the crook of my neck.

"I love you." Thrust.

"I love you." Thrust.

"I love you." Thrust.

With each thrust, he repeats these words, somehow glad to be able to pronounce them so freely now. I want to say them back, but at this moment I can't manage to do anything else but release long moans as my eyes close unintentionally.

The speed of his thrusts resembles a fast-paced metronome and our moaning is the music to it. We aren't talking but letting our bodies sing. We are dancing sweating in the sheets in the most beautiful way you can imagine. We are making love.

All this time I was thinking what we had was making love, but I was so wrong. This is making love. In this painful hour, where we comfort each other and are there for each other. It makes me realize that I don't want to lose this, I want to stay like this forever.

And when we both finish together and he buries his face in the crook of my neck, holding on to me for his dear life, I feel more tears flowing and falling onto my skin as he begs me not to leave him.

At this moment I realize what true love is.

______________________

A/N: I hope you guys had some tissues 🤧

No self-promo but kinda self-promo: I published a new Jk fanfiction, please check it out♥️

Also sorry for not putting the mature content warning at the beginning but I've decided not to do that anymore because I feel like it's destroying the flow of the story
Imagine knowing everything since the beginning, boringggg lol