I feel alone.

It is so dark, although it is a sunny day. I don't know how long this storm will prevail in my head and heart, but I'm afraid that one day it will destroy the flower garden in my lungs, leaving nothing left but the plucked petals blowing away with the next breeze.

Not even Nora, who is sitting next to me right now, can cheer me up, despite her many attempts to make me laugh. The corners of my mouth have not even moved up a millimeter and I feel somehow bad that I'm dragging her into my melancholic mood. It's not like her to mourn something for so long, but we are two different people and I can't help but be who I am.

"Would you like something to drink? Something that will numb you even if it's only for a few hours?" she asks cautiously, but I just shake my head.

It is exactly three weeks today after the fire. Three full weeks without Jungkook. At least without the Jungkook I know.

After the fire, he has changed completely. He has become more distant, he barely eats, barely speaks. I can understand him, it is not easy to lose something in his life that means so much to him, for which he has worked so hard and sacrificed so much. But it breaks my heart that he pushes me away from himself like this. He won't let me get close to him, won't let me cross his walls, which this time he has built too high that he himself can't see the daylight.

I feel powerless and small because I can't do anything to help him because I can't relieve his pain. There is nothing I can say to make him feel better and I have given up trying long ago. I have tried to find ways out, to encourage him that together we can rebuild everything, bring everything back to the old. Sure, the memories that have been burned down must live on in his memory from now on, but at least he would not lose everything completely.

But he snapped at me. He has never snapped at me before and to be honest it hurt me. Hurt because I only wanted to be there for him, because I wanted to help him, but it looks like he doesn't want me by his side.

"I feel as if I have no tears left to cry," I exhale, tired from the last days and weeks.

As if it was not enough for me to deal with this situation, the stress at work also made me suffer. Apparently the client didn't like our plans and I have to sketch and send in a new plan as good as I can in the next few days. I'm glad that I have Jimin as a work colleague because he offered to help me, although he himself has a lot on his plate. He is truly an angel.

"Please don't say that. It breaks my heart," she pleads, moving closer. She opens her arm for me and I don't miss out on the comfort as I accept her invitation and nestle myself under her arm.

"We had our first fight a few days ago since we were in a relationship," I tell her, thinking back to the day that made me spend an hour in the shower crying.

I'm wiping my hands on a kitchen towel when I hear the front door open and then close again. Just in time finishing the preparation for dinner Jungkook comes around the corner, the gym bag hanging loosely on his shoulder. He has pulled the hood of his oversized sweater over his head, the now medium-length hair, still wet at the ends because of his shower, hanging out. I can't see his face, but I know from his movements that the workout and everything else probably tired him out.

"You're back," I greet, a little more joy in my voice to show him that I was waiting for him.

But my joy creeps back into his dark corner deep inside me faster than I could make it happen when he does nothing but nod for a moment without looking me in the eye. It hurts again and again not to be able to have even a normal conversation with him. The longest we had was only five sentences.

"I prepared dinner. You must be hungry." I raise my eyebrows, still trying to stay as positive as possible, even though my eyes sting with unshed tears. "Let's eat together." I smile.

"I'm not hungry."

"I made your favorite." I try to take a few steps towards him. "You need to eat. Your body needs nutr–"

"What part of I'm not hungry do you not understand? I'm not a child, I know what I need and that is something you can't give me right now," he yelps, throwing his gym bag violently down on the floor as he takes off his hood to look me straight in the eye.

I flinch at his reaction. He has never yelled at me without a reason before and that he is doing that right now, even though I only worry about him, breaks my heart. I know he is suffering, but what is my fault with that? This is not how to deal with pain, is it? By destroying everything around you and hurting anyone who tries to help you.

But I guess everyone deals with their pain differently. Some shut themselves off and some prefer to be like Jungkook who lets his anger and sadness out on me.

"I only care about you, Jungkook. Can't you see that I suffer just like you?" I whimper, unable to keep my emotions inside me. A tear that I didn't want to shed rolls hotly down my cheek as I look into his cold ones with blurry eyes. My condition doesn't move anything in his heart, he is so cold.

"You will never be able to understand what I'm going through." is all he utters, shaking his head, before he walks back to the front door and slams it shut hard, leaving me behind again with my loneliness.

"I have not heard from him since. He doesn't answer my messages and calls," I sigh, Nora's hand on my arm stroking up and down in a calming way. "If it weren't for Tae, I wouldn't even know where he is right now."

"Oh, baby. I don't know what I can say to make you feel better. But I wish with all my heart that he will get better soon and you will soon see that you will be happy again," she assures me encouragingly.

"I hope that too," I say biting my lip. "I miss him."

No longer able to hold back my emotions, I burst into tears that have been bottled up deep inside me over the past weeks. I have cried repeatedly to ease the pain, but now being here with Nora and talking about it makes my tears run like a river across my cheeks, and this time I'm not holding anything back. I let it all out and loudly sobbing I cry myself into her chest.

"Shh. It's gonna be okay." Nora comforts me, her hand caressing my hair, and the other tied tightly around my waist. "Let it all out. You'll feel better."

"I just can't take it anymore, Nora. I miss him so much and it hurts me so much. It hurts here." I cry as I point a finger to my chest where exactly my heart is, although she may not even see it.

"I want to help him, but I don't know what to do. He pushes me away and I'm not even sure if we are still together or not," I cry, muffled against the material of her shirt, she probably doesn't even understand what I'm saying, but she continues to comfort me anyway. "I don't know what he's doing right now, if he's eaten, if he can sleep at night. I want to be with him, comfort him, say that we can rebuild and get through everything together. I miss his arms around me, his lips on mine, waking up next to him in the morning. Screw having sex, I couldn't even touch him, afraid he would push me away even more."

Thinking about it was a different feeling, but admitting it, letting the words roll over my tongue makes me realize how broken we actually are. He is broken because he has lost almost everything material in life and I'm broken because I'm about to lose him if he doesn't realize it.

"Am I being selfish for thinking like this? Tell me, am I?" I ask desperately, pulling away from her embrace and looking into her eyes.

"No, sweetheart. You're just trying to help him and you're hurt because he deals with his pain differently." she cups my face smiling, her thumbs stroking across my cheeks to wipe away the tears. "You are not selfish. You are just in love with him."

You are just in love with him.

I want to cry even more when the word falls from her lips. She is right, I love him and it pains me even more that I didn't even have the chance to tell him. Would I say it if I could? Would I take the risk after what I have experienced in my past? I would. I would do anything for Jungkook even if he wouldn't say it back.

But this is not the right time to admit something like this, to confess my love for him. How can I be sure that it's the right time when we're both so messed up and have other things on our mind?

"I love him so much, Nora," I admit, creating new tears in my eyes again.

"I know. I can see it. But shhh, don't cry anymore." she smiles, putting a smirk on her lips. "You look ugly when you do."

And we both laugh slightly, forgetting everything for a brief moment.

______________________

Arriving back at my apartment, I place my purse and my keys on the dresser at the front door. Despite Nora's many insists on spending the night at her place so that I wouldn't be alone, I have decided that it is better to be alone instead. Maybe it helps me to sort out my mind, think about what I can do next to get everything back on track.

But as soon as I take further steps into my apartment, this idea seems wrong to me. I thought I was strong enough and could fight against loneliness, but when I see the kitchen where we cooked together a few weeks ago and then forgot about cooking but let ourselves be occupied with other things instead, the living room where we spent many movie nights together and the dining area where I watched him munching rather than eating myself, my vision becomes blurry.

All the memories that we shared together in my apartment, in his workshop, or even outside in public flash before my eyes. Every precious moment, every second, every kiss, every touch.

I have never experienced this with anyone else.

Feeling tired and not in the mood for anything else, I take heavy steps up the stairs, where I take a short but needed shower. The warm water runs over my tense muscles, having little effect to calm me down. Even the shower reminds me of him and I remember the moments when I shampooed him crazy hairstyles and he attacked me with water afterward because I laughed at him.

Simply everything reminds me of him.

Taking a towel, I get out of the shower and walk, lost in thought, into my bedroom, where I get into clean underwear and my pajamas. Not worried about blow-drying my hair, I leave it as it is and lie down in my bed, which without him seems too big for me. I have never had problems with my apartment. On the contrary, I have always felt comfortable because I have furnished everything to suit my taste and I considered it my new home when I first moved in.

But the last few days have felt so empty and alone that I either felt that all the walls were crawling towards me and constricting me, or everything was stretching so far apart that my voice was echoing through but I didn't get an answer.

I lay my head on the pillow, my eyes heavy from all the crying, but no matter how hard I try, sleep doesn't seem to be my visitor tonight. I turn from side to side, lie on my back, on my stomach, but my brain doesn't shut up.

It constantly reminds me of the current situation and the fire, replaying all the events in repetition before my eyes. I'm tired of my brain playing a game with me and rewinding all the scenes and playing them over again as if it were a broken record.

How did we even get into this situation? How is it possible that a fire can cause so much more than it already has? The consequences grow day by day and with every minute we don't talk about it it seems to get worse. I'm afraid it could affect our relationship to such an extent that we have to consider ending it and that's the last thing I want. There is so much more I want to experience and see with Jungkook and it is too early to think about letting go.

Does he not trust me enough to share his feelings and thoughts with me? I actually have exactly the opposite feeling, because so far we have already put a lot on the table about our past.

I just don't get it.

I always try to be hopeful and look for ways out, but Jungkook seems to be the one who sees this incident as the end of all days. Instead of both of us suffering alone in different places, we could hold each other, seek a solution together, or simply be there for each other.

I take a deep breath and turn over to my side, sticking my face deeper into the pillow. His scent still seems to linger on the material, although I have already changed the sheets. I'm desperately looking for something of him to simulate his presence, otherwise, I see myself driving myself crazy all night long.

I rummage through the drawer of my dresser, finding his shirt, and lie back down in my bed, clinging tightly to the material, imagining that he is lying next to me. Am I just exaggerating or is this situation really something to cry about non-stop? Missing him is eating me alive so I reach for my phone. Maybe it will help me fall asleep when I see his face and pretend that everything is alright.

Clicking on the first picture, his beautiful face flashes and takes over my complete display. It's the first picture of himself that he sent me, one day after we became official, and as he was on his way over to me with snacks for a movie night. I still remember how I squealed and blushed like a teenage girl. But I don't blame myself, he looks stunningly attractive.

I swipe to the right and more images of him are reflected in my eyes, which he sent me. Even if it's just random, if he just took pictures of his food or sent some funny memes, I saved everything. I didn't want to delete anything of our conversations so that I always have the possibility to read them over and over again when he is not with me and I miss him. Just like now.

Lying on my right side, I swipe through my gallery, different poses, and backgrounds facing me. I had forgotten about the existence of some pictures because Jungkook has the habit to send several pictures at once, so I couldn't answer all of them and he even got mad at me for not complimenting his beautiful and cute face. That boy.

I laugh as the next picture shows only his nose and big eyes. He loves it when I want to film or photograph him, to sabotage my efforts by getting very close to the camera, so my attempt to take a normal picture of him mostly goes down the drain. But I didn't mind, because I always had something to laugh about and why should our pictures be normal if our relationship is not normal in the first place?

Jungkook has managed to make me laugh so endlessly in the last five months we've known each other and even more so in the last two and a half months, we've been in a relationship that I can say I've never had so much fun in my life. His goofy nature and behavior make me shake my head sometimes, but I can never resist a smile. Whether it's his funny and crazy dances, his jokes, or simply that he throws himself on the floor from out of nowhere, sometimes just jumping down the stairs singing 'I believe I can fly' in just his boxer briefs, I wouldn't trade anything for the time with him.

I swipe a little more and come across a picture of the two of us. Looking at his arms tied around my waist from behind longer than I wanted, tears are forming again in my eyes. I don't want to cry anymore, I just want to recall beautiful memories, but I can't help it. It feels like an eternity has passed since we did something together without thinking of other things. Now we can't even spend the night in the same bed because he always sleeps on the sofa. Or simply at Tae's place.

Sighing I feel a tear finding its way from my eye, sliding across my nose and landing on my pillow. Soon several of them follow until the material under my head is soaking wet, but I don't give a damn about it. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut, causing the salty drops to stop flowing. Only for a few seconds. The next picture is the one that Tae secretly took of us in Jungkook's car, even though he complained all the time about having to sit in the back seat and being the third wheel. A laugh mixed with a sob rolls over my lips and is the only thing that can be heard in my empty apartment. Taking advantage of the silence I let my crying run free and several sobs, which get louder by the minute, accompany me through the night.

There is a lump that sits deep in my throat and no matter how often I try to swallow it, it won't go away. It chokes me, suffocates me, gives me such headaches that I have never felt before in my life. I cover my face in my hands, whimpering to myself and I feel the veins at my temple pulsating at my fingertips, causing me pain, but the biggest pain lies in my heart.

There is a saying that when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade from them. How can I see something positive in this matter, how can I see the beautiful sunny days in the future, when everything is cloudy, cold, and grey right now?

Life prefers to use the lemons to squeeze them into my open wounds, pouring tequila on top, mocking me in my despair while enjoying the party. Not to mention the fact that it adds a lot of salt to double my pain.

Whenever Jungkook sings to me with his angel-like voice, I want nothing more than to sleep in his strong arms. When his lips find mine, I never want to forget the feeling of them, I want to savor them. And when he looks into my eyes with his sparkling ones, I want to stop time to admire their beauty a little longer.

Jungkook is my happy place, the person who makes me laugh endlessly, the cause of my euphoria.

The euphoria may not be here right now, but I hope it will return soon. In the expectation that it won't leave us again.

__________________________

A/N: Imagine Elaine's memories of her relationship with Jungkook and camera roll like the video of Euphoria and let it sink in.

This chapter was hard for me to write and I had to think about what and how I want to write it. Normally I don't like to tell about my life, but this chapter's Elaine was partly me talking. Everyone goes through a difficult time, but I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who was patient with me, who cheered me up. I hope we all will be able to always see the good in everything and try to be a nice person.

This was the longest author's note so far and I don't know why I became an emotional bitch, but anyway. Thanks to everyone for everything. Love you all.