I'll probably kick my own ass for that at some point, but sometimes at one moment, I act differently than I would have liked. 

After Jungkook expressed his feelings to me yesterday, which in some way didn't surprise me that much since I already felt a certain tension, I went to my room without answering him. I know it was perhaps rude and unfair to leave him hanging like that, but I panicked. And when I panic I tend to run away from the situation.

I remember how I ran up the stairs, not missing his frustrated sigh, and slammed the door shut to which I then leaned. My heart was beating faster than ever, I grabbed my shirt against my chest and took a deep breath. I didn't sleep a wink last night, I walked around in my room constantly doubting whether I should talk to him like an adult instead. 

But what could I say? He caught me off guard with his confession. Besides, I don't even know if I'm ready for something serious, and if I can respond to his feelings. There is an attraction, yes, but there is still a lot of pain from the past that is still haunting me today.

It sounds like a coward who's just looking for excuses, but it is what it is. I was scared. Afraid that he'd hurt me the way that one person whose name I wouldn't want to pronounce had hurt me.

Waking up in the morning, after only a few hours of sleep, I look around my room to adjust my eyes to the sunlight shining through the curtains. I lean on my elbows on the bed and rub the remaining tiredness from my eyes. 

It occurs to me that Jungkook is probably still sleeping in the living room, but I feel ready to meet him now because I slept a night on it anyway. I owe him an explanation, although I still don't know what to say. 

I open the bedroom door and try to catch any sounds that might come from downstairs, but it is all silence. I freshen up in the bathroom and put on a pair of jeans and a green shirt before slowly making my way down the stairs and into the living room.

To my disappointment the living room is empty and the blanket along with the pillow is neatly folded and put back on the sofa. I look into the kitchen and the downstairs bathroom, hoping that he might still be somewhere in my apartment, but I'm completely alone. I go back into the living room where I notice a small note with a message on it on the small coffee table.

Thank you for treating my wounds. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable...

-Jungkook

My face drops immediately, saddened that on the one hand, he apologized for something he didn't owe me for and on the other hand because I didn't have the chance to talk about the whole thing after I cleared my head. 

"You're so stupid, Elaine!" I groan as I throw myself on the sofa, the little note still in my hand as I read its contents over and over again. And I get even more frustrated with myself.

I decide to tear Nora out of her sleep because I know that she's still asleep at this hour and that she's going to nag about it a lot. But I don't see any other way out, it seems like I always make the stupidest decisions, so I need help from someone who knows me better than I do and can give me advice.

___________________

"You are so stupid, Elaine."

I knew that this would be her reaction.

I told Nora everything from the beginning. From his showing up at my door with a disfigured face, to the mind-blowing kiss, and finally his note. Nora was pissed at me at the beginning and sighed here and there when I told her about my desperate situation, but then she tried to be objective about the whole mess. Because she's the one who witnessed what I went through back then.

"I'm afraid he might hurt me, Nora," I mumble into the phone as I play with the hem of my shirt.

"I know, honey. But just because that asshole treated you that way back then doesn't mean every man is the same. You gotta get over it."

"I know, but somehow this is all happening too fast, don't you think? I mean, we've only known each other maybe for like a month now."

It's not that I haven't thought about it. From the very beginning, I've noticed the way he was looking at me. I admit that I'm interested in him too, but I don't know how to approach this. I have already burned myself once in the past and I don't know if I could stand it if something like that happens again.

I know Jungkook is not my ex and this is an excuse to run away from the truth. He has been hurt himself in the past, I don't think he has the heart to do what he has gone through.

Actually, the whole story with the ex is an excuse for the fact that I'm afraid of falling too hard for him. He caught my eye the first time I made eye contact with him. And it scares me how much I have developed feelings for him in this short time, the meaning of which I don't even know yet.

The way he makes my heart beat faster, my breath is taken away every time he comes close to me and the way he looks at me makes me fly above all clouds. The way his lips fit mine perfectly when he kissed me so passionately as if they were made for each other. How a whole galaxy exists in his eyes that I don't know yet but am so eager to explore and ready to be lost in. 

I'm afraid to love.

"You have to talk to him, it's not fair the way he's being treated by you." Nora sighs almost hopelessly on the phone. 

"I know, but what do you want me to tell him?"

"What you feel. Are you interested in him too, do you like him, does he make you feel good when you're with him?" All questions carry the same positive answer. "You have to start growing out of the cocoon you've built around yourself, Elaine."

She's right. She's right about everything she says. I need to grow out of my comfort zone and start allowing my feelings to the surface. But in order to do that, I have to contact him first. So I end the call and decide to message him. 

Me:
Hey, Jungkook, it's Elaine
How are you feeling, are your wounds still hurting?

I send the message to the number that was written on the little card and wait nervously for his reply while chewing on my fingernails.

Minutes go by and with every beat that sounds in the quiet living room from the clock that shows the passing seconds, my nervousness becomes more remarkable and the fear that he will not answer me grows more intense. I mean, it would be understandable, I just left him hanging on the sofa after he confessed how he feels about me.

Twenty minutes later, when I still haven't received a message from him, I start accepting the fact that he is probably ignoring me, but then my notification tone pops up indicating that I have received one.

Jungkook:
I'm fine, thank you for asking.

Me:
I'm glad you're feeling better.
Make sure you treat them properly...

I sigh deeply because I just know that his short answer is because of last night. Or maybe he's just embarrassed to talk to me after the rejection, even though it wasn't even a rejection. I didn't actually respond to him. There is no answer from him anymore so I decide to double text him.

Me:
About last night.
Can we maybe talk about it?

Jungkook:
It's okay, we don't have to talk about it.
I have already received my answer:)

Me:
What do you mean?

Jungkook:
You don't feel the same way about me and it's okay
I don't want to force you into anything.

Me:
It's not like that.

Jungkook:
Then what is it like?

Me:
I don't know how to explain it to you without it being cliché and sounding like an excuse

Jungkook:
Okay, I get it.
You don't want to get hurt because maybe I could treat you like your ex did and you don't want to get your heart broken.

Me:
Jungkook, please don't do this

Jungkook:
Let's just stay friends👍🏼

Well, looks like I fucked up.