After leaving the farm, they walked through the town of Charleville-sous-Bois. Eren was clearly more anxious when people were around, tensing his shoulders as his eyes darted around, judging each pedestrian, each bicyclist, and glaring at any cars traveling by.

Levi wondered if those weeks in solitude, trapped in a cellar and fearing discovery at every second, were part of the problem. Rather than torture the poor man by traveling on a main road, Levi decided to cut straight through the woods, using his compass to head due north as best as they could.

The shelter of the trees, the silence broken only by their feet stomping over fallen leaves, visibly relaxed Eren. Rather than sharp, shifty glares, he slowly glanced around at the bare branches and smiled when he heard bird songs. Levi kept an eye on him, trying to figure out how to help Eren recover. Eventually, they were going to have to interact with people. They could not live in the woods forever.

Although, that was not a bad idea!

Levi had thought the woods would be shallow, like earlier that morning, yet the day began to grow darker and still they were surrounded by trees. Sleeping in the forest again was unappealing. He had slept horribly and woken up sore all over. Yet it might be best for Eren.

Suddenly, like stepping into a fairy tale realm, the trees opened up to a gentle meadow bathed in the last red light of the day. Gardens and trimmed bushes greeted them. Ahead, glowing in celestial pinks and oranges, was an abbey with ancient stone walls, a sharp contrast to the backdrop of forested hills.

Eren held back, but Levi stepped forward slowly, both of them unsure what to think. This could easily be heaven or hell, a church that would provide refuge, or a Nazi outpost. As Levi slowly scanned the gardens, he saw two men in priest robes. He let out a little sigh of relief.

"It's a Catholic abbey. Let's rest here for the night."

"No," Eren hissed.

Levi walked up to Eren and spoke calmly. "They're monks. They'll be charitable and leave us alone if we ask."

Eren still bristled as he shook his head.

"Eren, look at me."

Gulping down his fear, he slowly forced his eyes away from the buildings and down to Levi.

"I know you don't want to be around people, but I'm still recovering from surgery, and I need a real bed and toilet."

"Is it worth your life?" Eren sneered.

"Oh, let me see: is my health and making sure I don't fucking bleed out from my arse in the middle of the night worth my life? Yes, it fucking is!"

Levi watched as Eren looked shocked, then ashamed. He did not blame the poor man for forgetting that he was still injured and should have been in convalescence for a few more weeks. After all, Levi had purposely held back from expressing his pain to keep Eren from worrying.

"If you see anything suspicious, anything at all, we'll leave, but if they are just a group of simple monks, a real bed will help me. Perhaps I can even ask them for some medication."

"For what?"

"For me," was all he said, leaving it at that. "Just don't speak, not even to say merci."

Eren nodded, determined not to ruin this once again.

They walked through the main gate, and a man in black robes immediately walked up to them. While Levi spoke to him, Eren looked around.

This place was old ... very old. It had withstood wars and regime changes, appearing rougher than it surely used to be, parts of it in ruins, other areas rebuilt, but still strong.

He glanced over at Levi, and a warm thought came to him.

Levi was like these stones: rough, parts missing, but strong.

He needed to be the same. He could not crumble.

They were led indoors and shown to a room to set down their bags and remove their hats and coats. Eren noticed right away, there was only one bed. He looked over sharply at Levi, shocked the monks would allow them to sleep together like this. Just what had he told them?

Once comfortable, they were taken to a communal shower, not much more than a changing room with a mirror and trough for shaving, connected to a tiled room with overhead pipes that sprayed down water. Still, Levi let out an audible sigh of relief, and his thanks to the monk was heartfelt.

Eren sat on a changing bench and pulled off his shoes. Slowly, automatically, he began to undress. As Levi also began to remove his clothes, he glanced over to admire Eren's body. He licked his lips and tried to shove aside the prurient thoughts making him tingle. They had to watch themselves here. Catholics were not kind to men like them.

"Can I speak here?" Eren whispered.

"Yes, the monks are too modest to bother us here. Just stay quiet."

"I can't get the cast wet," Eren muttered. "Every time my father put a cast on someone, he always told them that. Bitte darauf achten, dass der Gips nicht nass wird." Please make sure that the plaster does not get wet.

Levi noted that Eren's voice had changed, higher pitched with an odd lilt. Though he did not speak German, even he heard that the mimicry had an accent to it. He recalled, Eren once said his father had an accent, but everyone thought he was from Amsterdam. If his father was actually British, the accent made sense.

By the tension in Eren's face, he guessed Eren was also realizing this. As soon as the agony began to pinch his brow, Eren turned sharply and marched into the showers.

Levi gave Eren a moment alone to fight through whatever had pained him so deeply. Then he removed his eye patch and also walked into the tiled room. Although part of him yearned to walk up behind Eren and slide his fingers all across his slippery skin, he took his shower a little ways down. He wanted to be respectful of the distance Eren needed.

Eren managed to scrub his hair, yet he kept slipping as he tried to clean his body. He was trying so hard not to get the cast wet, yet holding his arm out at an awkward angle made washing hard. Not only that, but the gunshot wound on his shoulder was still healing. Try as he might, he could not reach behind him, and each attempt sent fiery white pain through his damaged nerve.

"Verdammt," he hissed.

Levi looked over and saw wincing pain in Eren's face. "Are you okay?"

He spat out in frustration, "I can't reach!"

Levi wondered if perhaps Eren was using this as an excuse to get closer, but just as he hoped that was the case, he heard a shaky inhale as Eren fought through pain. That struck down any naughty thoughts.

Eren needed help.

"Do you trust me?"

Eren looked over, and finally, he glanced fully up and down Levi's naked body. Memories of their shared sensual past returned. He asked with some doubt, "Can I?"

Levi stepped forward with a serious expression. He took the washcloth from Eren's hand, soaped it up, and met his eyes.

"Just washing."

Eren's eyes narrowed, but he had no other choice. He knew he direly needed to clean himself. After all, his last bath had been in Carly's brothel. He very well might still have Floch's blood on him.

Levi scrubbed Eren's back. He stared at the circular scar of the bullet wound. The scene played in his mind so many times: Kitz Woermann's gun turning toward him, Eren's shout of horror, flinging himself in front of Levi just as the gun went off, and then the mist of blood as Eren's own body shifted the trajectory of the bullet just enough to barely miss Levi.

Sometimes in that memory, he thought he recalled seeing the blur of the bullet flash just past his cheek, or felt the wind of it rustle his hair. All ridiculous, he knew, but the look of pain, followed by happy relief as Eren opened his eyes and saw Levi was safe ... that was a memory burned into his mind.

He took a single finger and softly touched the scar. "I'm sorry about this."

Eren looked down at the front of his shoulder. On this side was the exit wound, where the real damage lay. He wondered how the back of his shoulder looked.

"It was my choice."

Levi nodded. "I would have done the same."

"You did do the same! Only you were smart and jumped behind him, not in front."

Levi chuckled quietly. He could laugh about it now, but that moment, being carried in Oktyabrina's arms across the field, silently watching Eren and Kitz facing off, screaming at each other in German, only to see that gun rise, pointing at the man he loved...

He honestly did not remember what happened next. One minute, he was in the Russian woman's arms, the next, ignoring all pain, he was practically flying forward, so much like flying that he sometimes wondered if Oktyabrina had thrown him like a javelin. But no, it was the burst of fear, determination, and love that made him move faster than he ever had before, fast enough to hit Kitz's hand half a second before the trigger was pulled.

After that, he was all rage and revenge.

He didn't like to think about what happened next. It was a grim side of him that he thought had died long before he met Petra. Not that he felt he went too far—if anything, he wished they had time for him to really make that Nazi swine suffer for all the months of torture he inflicted on his Jewish companions, on that French Resistance woman, and on so many others in Poland if the records he saw in the SIS listening post on Kitz Woermann were accurate.

"I can get your legs," he offered next. "You don't want to be standing on one foot, slip, and fall on that broken arm."

Eren pouted. "Can I really trust you?"

Levi admitted, "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't very tempted, but if it isn't something you want..." He smiled and shook his head. "You waited so long for me. The least I can do is wait for you."

Eren hesitated, but then stiffly nodded. He kept his eyes shut and head turned away as Levi knelt in front of him and ran the soapy cloth over and between his legs.

Levi saw the reaction. It was hard not to see that cock slowly grow longer, stiffen, and curve upward, sometimes twitching when Levi touched sensitive areas. Levi stared at it, thoroughly distracted, his hands going through the motions. All he could think about was their last intimate moment.

Down by the Moselle, emotionally pummeled from a long, bloody, horrifying week, everything exploded in a burst of half-insane desperation and passion. It was the first time Levi had sucked Eren's cock. Finally! He honestly had not meant to. He thought he would only tease him a bit, entice him, prove to Eren why running away from Metz was the better option.

If Eren left with him, he could get these hands and this mouth!

Levi had been so determined to pleasure him, to prove he was worth it. Before he knew it, he wanted it. He wanted to taste Eren, to feel him burst inside of him, to give him this first that Eren had wanted for so long.

Now here they were, traveling together, and rather than spoiling Eren with all the carnal desires he could imagine, Levi was struggling to hold himself back from even a kiss. This was not the passion he had promised ... and craved. It was a long convalescence after both were broken by the evil around them.

Yet Levi knew firsthand, these gentle, caring touches could break down the Walls of Jericho itself!

He worked down to Eren's feet. Once thoroughly soaped up, Eren stood under the spraying shower head, and Levi stepped back.

It felt like such a missed opportunity, but he had to be respectful until Eren had time to heal.

Levi stood up, walked back over to his own shower to wash the soap off his hands, and rested his head against the tiled wall. He felt the water trickling down on his back as he tried to get his heart under control. He now understood the struggle Eren had, holding himself back for all those months, all for his sake.

Suddenly, he was grabbed from behind. Before Levi could react, strong arms crushed him in an embrace, and lips were on the back of his neck. He heard labored breathing from Eren.

"I'm sorry, I ... Let me hold you. Just for a moment."

The sinking feeling of relief made Levi smile. His boyfriend was still in there, trapped in that emotionless shell. "Of course."

Eren's whole body pressed Levi up against the wall, and his lips devoured his neck in kisses. Levi felt the lengthy stiffness wedged against his spine, although Eren did not go so far as to make thrusts. His body simply craved touches, closeness, and some skin-on-skin contact.

"I want you," he panted. "I really do. So badly, I'm shutting down my heart just to hold back. But I'm so ... so scared."

Levi gently rubbed the arm wrapped around his chest. "After what we went through, it's okay to be afraid."

Eren nodded, holding back a whimper. Levi began to turn around, but Eren grabbed him and turned him back, keeping Levi pushed up against the wall. "No!" It took a moment for him to rein in his emotions. "I'm sorry. Shit! I'm so sorry."

"Eren..."

"It's more than being afraid. I look at you, at your face, your eye, your hand, and I think, this is my fault—"

"Eren!"

"It's my fault," he sobbed in rage, "because I should have been scared back then. I should have been more cautious. If I had helped you to leave, you'd have two eyes, all ten fingers, you'd be in America by now, drinking Coca-Cola and watching Broadway shows. If I had just let you go, I probably would've died in Metz," he said, his face mournful at the mere thought of what fate awaited his platoon, "but at least you wouldn't have been around to be tortured."

"I told you, it was my choice—"

"And I should have made a choice too!" he snapped. "I should have done everything possible to get you out of Metz. I should have let you run away long before that. I could have gotten all of your Jewish comrades out. I would have been executed, but it was a choice I could have made, one I should have made," he sneered, only for his throat to get choked up with tears. His head collapsed against Levi's back. "But ... I didn't. I was scared. I was scared to die, scared to be alone, and because of my cowardice, all those people died."

He pulled back and slowly turned Levi around to face him. Eren forced himself to look into that strange pale blue eye.

"Every choice I've ever made led to this," he said as his finger traced down the scar. "As much as you tell me to live a life without regrets, every time I look at you, I will regret the choices I made that brought us to this moment."

Levi's gaze fell to the side. It pained him to hear that. His hand began to reach up to his face but hesitated. Was he really that hideous? Could they even move forward after everything that happened?

He muttered, "Will being with me really be such torture?"

"Ja," Eren answered honestly. Then he reached forward and rested his hand on Levi's bare chest. "But being without you will be the death of me. I would rather live with all of my regrets than die because they overwhelmed me. Still, right now, how I feel, every kiss is a reminder, and every touch will never be the same."

Levi hated that his eye burned and was getting blurry. He insisted it was just the shower getting in his face; it couldn't be tears. "Then all of your regrets are my fault. You were right yesterday. I could have left on my own, but I kept coming up with excuses not to. If I hadn't been so stubborn, you wouldn't be in this mess. I don't want to be a daily torture to you. If you want, we could travel separately, meet somewhere later."

"That's the last thing I want," Eren said, his voice dark and heavy with all the shadows of grief weighing on him. "I will be honest. If you left me, I would put a bullet in my head. I wanted to so many times in that cellar. The only thing that stopped me was the fear that, if you made it and went looking for me ... I didn't want you to find me that way." In an airy whisper, he admitted, "I don't want to be alive anymore..."

Levi's whole body tense at the grim confession. "Eren!"

"... but I don't want you to be alone." His gaze fell to Levi's chest. It was less painful to look down here, not up at that scarred face with the mismatched eyes. "After all you suffered because of me, it wouldn't be fair if I left you alone. The punishment for my sins is to stay alive, to be with you, and to see what I did."

"It was not you!" Levi insisted.

Eren shook his head, showing that no matter how much Levi said that, the guilt would always be there. "I know it's not fair for me to feel like that. Compared to you, what have I suffered?"

"It's not a fucking competition!"

"Still, it hurts to live. I've lost everything: my family, my friends, my country, my racial identity, my ... what is the word ... Selbstwert. Self worth? I feel like I've lost myself. I'm not Eren Jäger. I don't know what I am. If I ended my life, what would even die? Not an Aryan. Not a soldier. I'm nothing. Nothing but your companion. If I can't even be that, then why exist at all?"

Levi thrust his hand out and grabbed Eren around the back of his neck, yanking his head in close, glaring at such fatalistic depression, enraged at all the men who sent his precious takhshet spiraling so deep into the darkness. Then he slowly rested their foreheads together as the shower rained down on them.

"Then exist for me, if that's the only thing keeping you going."

"I shouldn't burden you like that."

"It would be an even bigger pain in the arse to bury your body." Levi's hand stroked down Eren's long, wet hair. "I want you by my side, but if you need time before you can come closer, I'll be here waiting. My precious takhshet is worth it."

Eren smiled and began to blush. "Takhshet. You told me at first that it means brat, but then you said it also means..." He paused, not sure if he trusted his memories.

"It means jewel," Levi answered.

Eren slowly rubbed his hand up Levi's chest, keeping his focus there rather than to the mismatched eyes that now haunted him. "When did the meaning change for you?"

"Who says it did? You're still a brat, but you're my brat. My precious jewel, and my infuriating brat."

With his left hand, Levi pressed Eren's hand on his chest to be flat against his heart, to feel it beating; with his right hand, he reached forward to touch his cheek.

The sight of that mutilated hand coming at him jolted Eren back so sharply, he slipped on the tiles.

Levi bolted forward and caught him. Briefly, their chests pressed together, and a look passed between them, one of longing, wistfulness, but silent understanding.

Eren straightened up and walked away, muttering, "I need to dry off this cast. It got wet."

Levi stood alone under the shower, watching him go, heartbroken but determined. If Eren needed a rock, he would be that foundation. If he needed a reason to live, he would hold him close, cherish him, and pray that Eren's heart could mend quickly.

They dried off, dressed, and left the bathing area, roaming the halls silently until a man saw them and showed them to a dining hall. They were brought to a table and given two bowls of soup and a bottle of wine.

The monks were quiet. Unusually quiet. Eren first feared that they had heard something in the shower and suspected them, but they did not look angry, only sympathetic. He wondered what Levi must have told them when they first entered, but he dared not open his mouth to ask.

The soup was simple but filling. The wine was nothing special, but it helped to ease some of the pain from their long day. They ate in silence, staring around at the stonework and religious imagery around them.

After they were done, a man in dark robes came up and spoke to Levi.

"Do you wish to visit the chapel for evening mass?"

Levi answered, "Thank you, but no. However, can I get a Bible in French? I'd like to read before bed."

The monk looked delighted. "Of course, my son." He took off and returned quickly with a leather-bound book.

Finally, they were guided back to their room. After some parting words, the monk left. Eren sat on the bed, suddenly exhausted. Being constantly on alert—ready to grab a knife and fight or grab Levi and run—left him with no energy.

"One bed," he whispered.

"They're monks. They don't have much to spare. Sleeping two to a bed isn't uncommon when you're traveling. Besides, I told them you're my little cousin."

Eren raised an eyebrow at this—they seriously looked nothing alike, but he let it go. It was a good lie to stop any awkward questions.

Levi set the Bible down on a little desk with an oil lamp. He walked over to his bag and pulled out the Tanakh. First, he glanced at the binding and pages.

"It looks like you at least took care of it."

He knew he could trust Eren not to lose the book, but sitting in a bag in that damp cellar, he had feared the book might end up moldy or nibbled on by rats.

He opened the Tanakh, flipped to a specific page, then opened the Bible, finding the corresponding scripture. Eren glanced over, his eyes drowsy, but seeing Levi studiously comparing the two books intrigued him. He wasn't sure if he had ever seen Levi reading a Christian Bible.

"What are you doing?"

"A part of Tehillim that I recall. I know where it is in the Tanakh, but I can't really read Hebrew, so I want to compare it to the French Bible."

Eren scooted a little close. "What does it say?"

Levi glanced over at him, and a warm smile touched his lips. "Get ready for bed. I'll read to you until you fall asleep."

Eren scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I'm not a child who needs a bedtime story."

"Humor me."

Eren let out an exasperated huff, but his cheeks began to color. He got out of his clothes, down to his white long johns, and went to a basin to brush his teeth. Then he settled down on the bed and onto the pillows. Levi walked over with the French Bible, sat beside Eren, and began to read.

"Now, in the Tanakh, it's called Tehillim, but according to this, it is called Psaumes."

"Psalm," Eren whispered, knowing the German word. His mother had loved to read the Psalms.

Levi went on slowly, trying to translate it from French into English. "To the head of the singers. Psalm of David. May the Lord hear you in the day of distress. May the name of the God of Jacob protect you! From the sanctuary may he send you help. From Zion may he support you! May he remember all your offerings. And may he approve your burnt offerings!"

Eren suddenly interrupted him. "Can you read it from the other book?"

Levi glanced down at him and asked incredulously, "In Hebrew?"

"I mean, translating it into English from that version. I don't want to know how the French Catholics translated it. I want to know what the original said."

"It's probably the same."

"And it might not be."

"I told you, I can barely read Hebrew, and the Psalms are even harder."

"Try."

Levi scowled at him. "You're a demanding little brat." Still, he got up, fetched the Tanakh, and sat next to Eren again. "Okay, I'll try, but don't laugh." He looked at the first Hebrew words. "To the Chief Musician, a song of David. May ... most Jews don't like to say this word but I don't care about superstition ... May Yahweh answer you in the day of trouble. May ... defend you ... the name ... God of Jacob?" Levi shook his head. His knowledge of Hebrew really was bad.

However, Eren smiled and snuggled in close. "Keep going."

Levi glanced down at Eren, feeling flustered and embarrassed. What sort of Jew could not read the Tanakh? Eren's blissful happiness soothed his mind. He put his left hand on Eren's head, combing through his long, soft hair, and rested the book on his knee while holding it with his right hand.

"May he send ... help ... from the sanctuary, and out of Zion, strengthen you. May he remember all your offerings and ... um ... Okay, this one I honestly have no clue." He glanced back over to the French Bible.

"That's cheating," Eren teased.

"I will smack you," he snapped in playful frustration. "Okay, in French it is holocaustes, burnt sacrifice. So, and your burnt sacrifice ... accept? Shit, this is hard."

Still, the relaxed smile from Eren made him want the struggle on. Levi continued to pet Eren's head as he read from the Tanakh.

"Selah. It means pause or rest. May he grant you according to your heart's desire, and all your purpose fulfill. We will rejoice in your salvation, and in the name of our God we will set up our banners. May Yahweh fulfill all your petitions. Now I know that Yahweh saves His anointed. He will answer him from heaven, His holy ... with strength ... saving, um, of the saving ... his right hand? This part makes no sense." He glanced at the French Bible again. "He will hear from heaven, from his holy dwelling, by the powerful aid of his right hand."

Eren smiled, proud of Levi for trying so hard.

"These trust in chariots, and those in horses, but we, the name of Yahweh our God we will remember. They have knelt and fallen, but we have risen and stand upright."

Eren's eyes closed as the memory of Kitz Woermann falling to the wet grass with a spray of blood played through his mind. Surely, God had given Levi strength to make such a delivery of justice despite his grievous wounds.

"Yahweh, save us. May the King answer us when we call." Levi nodded, satisfied that he got through the Psalm.

Eren blurted out, "Read another one to me, this time in Hebrew."

Levi jolted and turned his head down to Eren. "What?" he whispered.

"That would be easier than translating, right?"

Levi frowned deeply. He was about to tease Eren that perhaps he had not fully learned his lesson on just how dangerous it was to be Jewish, but given his breakdown in the shower, he decided against it. Maybe Eren needed this. Perhaps this was the last of the poison draining out.

He looked down at the Hebrew text. It was true, he could work out the sounds easier than translate the sentences. He had also asked the monks not to bother them, not to knock on the door, nor to even speak to the young man, saying that Eren had gone deaf when their town was bombarded and suffered from severe trauma that turned violent if he got spooked. They promised to keep their distance and speak softly. They were all busy with evening mass anyway.

Levi flipped over a few pages. There was one other Psalm he loved, one his mother read to him many times. In a low, hushed whisper, Levi intoned solemnly, "Lamnatsêach mizmor ledavid: Halleluyá..."

"Hallelujah?" Eren cried out, shocked to hear a word he knew.

"Yes, that's the Hebrew word for Praise the Lord. Now, be quiet." Levi continued with a quiet, singsong chant.

Eren often forgot that the Psalms were songs, meant to be sung. Hearing them in the original Hebrew, with a rhythm to the words, he now heard the song hidden in the words.

https://youtu.be/TXx8yDqzWSQ

"Lamnatsêach mizmor ledavid:

Halleluyá! Ki-tov zamerá Elohênu, ki naím nava tehila.

Boneh Yerushaláyim Adonai, nidchê Yisra'el yechanes.

Harofe lishvurê lev, umchabesh le'atsevotam.

Monê mispar lakochavim, lechulam shemot yikra."

Eren sighed in sinking relief. Just listening to Levi reassured him that they really were here, together. It was not a dream. Despite all the horrors, they somehow survived.

Why did so many others have to die just to free them?

They had once discussed the idea of throwing their questions up to God and letting him decide if he should answer or not. Eren had done that in Paris, standing atop the Eiffel Tower.

Perhaps that was all he could do now. Leave fate up to God.

Eren firmly believed, whatever reason God had to lead them here, that was up to God alone to explain, and He did not have to divulge his Grand Plan to a mere moral.

As the Psalm said, "His understanding cannot be calculated."

Wait ... how did he know that was what the Hebrew meant?

His father...

A chill ran down Eren's back.

"Gadol adonênu verav kôach, litvunato en mispar.

Me'oded anavim Adonai, mashpil resha'im adê áretz.

Enu ladonai betoda, zamerú lelohênu vechinor."

Levi kept his voice so soft, Eren could barely hear him at times. He knew this was dangerous. Why would he ask for it?

Perhaps he needed to test his limits, to push boundaries, just like they used to. He needed to know they could, and he had begun to feel safe here.

Or more accurately, he was confident that, should the worst happen, he and Levi could slaughter these monks and escape. It was a grim thought, but it gave him a sense of peace.

"Hamechassê shamáyim be'avim, hamechin la'áretz matar, hamatzmíach harim chatzir.

Noten livehema lachma, livnê orev asher yikrá'u.

Lo vigvurat hassus yechpatz, lo veshokê ha'ish yirtze."

Eren reached over and laid his hand on Levi's thigh, sending him jolting in sensitivity. Eren smirked at his shocked expression. However, it was not just the touch to one of his most sensitive areas: it was the timing. Levi had just read, "He does not desire the might of the horse, nor does He take pleasure in the legs of man."

And then right at the moment, Eren touched his leg.

Coincidence? More? He frowned at not knowing and feeling like he should not ask. Instead, he put on his normal surly attitude.

"Naughty brat! I'm trying to read the Bible and you're touching me weird." He patted Eren's hand, showing that he was okay with the touch. He would love more, but this was enough for now.

"Rotseh Adonai et yere'av, et hameyachalim lechasdo.

Shabechi Yerushaláyim et Adonai, haleli Eloháyich Zión,

Ki chizak berichê she'aráyich, berach banáyich bekirbêch."

Eren gazed up at Levi as he read. He had sat on Eren's right side so he could hear better. That meant he could only see Levi's left side. Like this, it felt like old times. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine they were back in Metz, in that hotel room, an extremely dangerous game with Fate, a game they eventually lost.

He preferred to keep his eyes closed, to pretend they were back in that earlier, innocent time.

What he wouldn't give to go back!

He honestly would make a pact with the Devil to do it all over again, to do it right!

Only, he would have sent Levi away before they had a chance to heal and truly fall in love. In five years, Levi likely would have forgotten all about that young German soldier who had a silly crush on him.

Eren tried to think: if he could do it all over again, exactly when would he have sent Levi away?

If he had done so at the very beginning, finding that closet in a bombed out building, if he had pretended no one was in there and let the Jews escape, he would not have had the chance to fall in love at all.

If he had helped the Jews to escape when Krista first approached him, Eren would have been left with only an unrequited love, Levi would not have known his feelings, and the attraction would have faded from Eren's mind.

If he had acted quicker, gotten the Jews out before the massacre, they would have shared nothing more than a few kisses, and Levi would not have had a chance to figure out his own heart before separating.

If Levi had left the first time he escaped the Metz hotel, they would have parted on bitter, painful terms, and Eren may have come to resent ever falling in love.

If they never reunited after Maizières-lès-Metz, they would have both remained in Metz during the bombardment, and both probably would have died.

But if Eren had escaped with Levi...

He regretted how stubborn he had been, refusing to take up Levi's offer to run away together.

"Hassam guevulêch shalom, chélev chitim yasbi'ech.

Hasholêach imrato áretz, ad meherá yarutz devaro.

Hannoten sheleg katzamer kefor ka'efer yefazzer:"

If he could do it all over again, he would have fled when they were in Belgium, on the road and far from his company, free to escape on their horse and ride to somewhere safe. Levi had invited him to run away with him, and Eren got angry. If he had agreed, they both could have been in America by now.

Free.

Together.

What a nice dream!

"Mashlich karchov chefittim lifnei karatov mi ya'amod:

Yishlach devaro veyamsem yashev ruchov yizzelu-mayim:

Maggid devarav leya'akov chukkav umishpatav le'Yisra'el:

Lo asah chen: lechol-goy umishpatim bal-yeda'um halluyah."

Levi finally reached the end of the psalm. He glanced over at Eren and saw his eyes closed, fast asleep. He smiled tenderly, leaned over, and kissed his head. Gently, he rose off the mattress, hid the Tanakh back inside their bag, placed the Bible on the desk, blew out the lamp, and slipped into bed. He rolled up close to Eren's back, but he dared not touch him.

"This is enough," he said to himself.

They were both hurt, healing, and struggling with coming to terms with all that happened, but at least they had each other.

They would start over.

The love was still there. Levi knew they would find it again.

They were together, and that was enough for now.

That had to be enough.

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L'abbaye de Villers-Bettnach — an ancient Cistercian abbey in the heart of the Vallée de la Canner forest. It was built in 1131 and was key in the founding of many surrounding villages. In 1552, the monastery was laid waste, yet a new church was built in 1729. The French Revolution caused the dissolution of the monastery in 1790. The buildings that survived were later acquired by the town of Boulay-Moselle. The site is now looked after by the Association des Amis des Sites de St-Hubert. I'm honestly unsure if this was run by mostly religious people during the war, or medical staff. The 17th century Peasants' Chapel is still used as a parish church, but the buildings were also used as a convalescent home for a time. If someone knows, I'd love to find out.

Takhshet — I tried to think back, when was the first time Levi used the word takhshet in a way that was purely in adoration and not as an insult. As best as I can tell, it was in Chapter 46 "Apples and Honey."

"Takhshet," he sighed. Levi cupped the side of Eren's cheek and gazed at him in wonder. "What am I going to do with you?"

"most Jews don't like to say this word" — I debated on if Levi would refuse to say the name of God. Such a belief is so intense in some conservative branches of Judaism, they will even write the English generic words for a deity as "G-d." The purpose is to never treat the name of the Creator disrespectfully, even if it is the name in another language. Although the Tetragrammaton (יהוה, the four-letter name of God) is still printed in holy texts, Jews will opt to say "Adonai" instead. My husband's family are Liberal Jews, they write out God and have no problem saying the English version Jehovah, since that is a corruption and does not count (for them) yet they DO NOT say the name Yahweh and opt for Adonai.

Levi, however, was not raised Jewish and is still learning about his heritage. He knows Jews do not say Yahweh, but he sees it as a mere superstition. So I mean no disrespect. I wanted to show that Levi is curious about his cultural faith, but not fully educated in it.

Psalms — The Psalms Levi first reads is Tehillim 20, and the second one he reads in Tehillim 147. Here is the translation for Psalms 147, from the Jewish site Chabad:

Hallelujah! For it is good to sing to our God; because He is pleasant, praise is fitting for Him.
The Lord is the builder of Jerusalem; He will gather the outcasts of Israel.
Who heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by name.
Our Lord is great and has much strength; His understanding cannot be calculated.
The Lord strengthens the humble; He humbles the wicked to the ground.
Shout to the Lord with thanks; sing praises to our God with a lyre.
Who covers the heavens with clouds, Who prepares rain for the earth, Who causes the mountains to sprout grass.
He gives the animal its food, to the young ravens which call out.
He does not desire the might of the horse, nor does He take pleasure in the legs of man.
The Lord desires those who fear Him, those who hope for His kindness.
O Jerusalem, praise the Lord; extol Your God, O Zion.
For He strengthened the bars of your gates; He blessed your children within you.
Within your borders He makes peace; with the best of the wheat He will sate you.
He sends His commandment to the earth; His word runs swiftly.
He gives snow like wool; He scatters hoarfrost like ashes.
He hurls His ice like crumbs; before His cold, who can stand?
He sends His word and melts them; He blows His wind; water runs.
He tells His words to Jacob, His statutes and His judgments to Israel.
He did not do so to any nation, and they did not know the judgments. Hallelujah!

Thematically, these two Psalms are important. Tehillim 20 speaks about "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we praise the name of Adonai our God." A scholar of the Tanakh wrote a fascinating article, where he points out that the Jews were forbidden by God from owning horses, because horses were used in warfare. Chariots were the equivalent of modern day tanks, swords of the past are the guns of today, spears are now drones and missiles. Rather than rely on those weapons of war, Jews were supposed to rely on God.

(Well, God also commanded the Hebrews to wipe out every man, woman, and child of the Philistines and Canaanites, which was the point of that article as a Biblical scholar struggled to explain to his 8-year-old why God would kill children. Conclusion: the Bible has an uncomfortable dichotomy of promoting pacifism, but also genocide.)

When Levi reads from the French Bible, I used the most common one in 1944, the Louis Segond version of 1880. I'm not sure if that's a version a Catholic abbey would have, but it's just so Levi can translate it into English. However, I wanted to see how the French translated one certain troublesome word from Psalms 20.

For Levi's attempt at reading straight out of the Tanakh, I used the Parallel Hebrew guide for his struggle to translate, and this handy transliteration website for when Levi is reading, with only a few minor spelling adjustments (just my own preference in transliteration, I hate the English "C" and want to change it to "K"... I could rant on that!) Websites like this are so people can sound out the Hebrew if they can't read it. Synagogues I've been to in America use this, since not all Jews can read or speak Hebrew.

The Psalms are lyrics to religious songs. In fact, here is Psalms 20 chanted in the original Hebrew, Psalms 147 chanted, and here is a modern take on Psalms 147.

Also, a few of the Psalms are written in an archaic form of Hebrew, not post-exilic Hebrew. (AKA, after the Jews were sent into exile in Babylon and Persia, during which time the language adopted many loan words.) This is how we know that the majority of the Tanakh was written after the Babylonian exile, unlike what I was taught in Sunday School, that Moses himself whote the Torah, or in Christian Bibles, the books of Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.

In Psalm 20, there one un-translatable word — וְעוֹלָתְךָ֖ (ve'olatecha). You see, Hebrew vanished as a spoken language for thousands of years. It became purely ceremonial. For Christians, this is apparent in the fact that Jesus did not preach in Hebrew, but in Aramaic, the most common language in Israel during the Roman occupation. After the Romans destroyed the Temple and forced the Jews out of Israel, Hebrew was not spoken conversationally for 1800 years, until a little over 100 years ago. By then, the only words that remained were those in the scriptures themselves, and what some of these words originally meant has been lost to time.

A word that occurs only once, with little context to figure out the meaning, takes some guesswork. We know that קָרְבַּן עוֹלָה (qorban ʿōlā) means burnt sacrifice, and the second part of that, עוֹלָה (ʿōlā), is found within the word וְעוֹלָתְךָ֖ (ve'olatecha) so it probably is an ancient way of saying a burnt sacrifice, or maybe a very specific type of sacrifice; in the end, it's just an educated guess.

The French opted to use the word holocaustes. This is where the word Holocaust comes from, derived from the Greek word for burnt offering, since the bodies of people killed in Nazi extermination camps were incinerated in giant furnaces, like a twisted, vile burnt offering.

(Side note: Holocaust refers to all victims of Nazi purges, including Roma, Sinti, Slavs, homosexuals, the disabled, Jehovah's Witnesses, democratic socialists, anti-fascists, etc., while only the genocide of the Jews is called the Sho'ah, the Hebrew word for catastrophe.)

However, Jews do not rely on human guesswork for their translations. When translating the Tanakh into other languages, if they do not know what a word means, they leave it in the original Hebrew.

The Psalms are a collection of songs, some of them VERY ancient, some come after the Babylonian exile. (We know because they used Babylonian loanwords.) So, the language of these songs varies.

Think something like, you're singing "Ooh, I'm blinded by the lights, no, I can't sleep until I feel your touch" and suddenly you hear someone else singing, "Forsooth, when I am like this, thou art the one I doth trust."

Yeah, TOTALLY different language eras!

This is how we know some Psalms are really, really old ... and, side note, that Job is the oldest Bible book, written in an ancient language with words and phrases that are so archaic, we still can't translate them. English Bible just guess and make it up. There are even a few ancient Arabic words in Job, as Hebrew itself had not fully developed yet, hinting that the Book of Job was written long before Moses.

Anyway...

Military bathing — This has little to do with the chapter, but long ago while researching history—possibly back in college—I came across this photo of American soldiers and a makeshift communal shower using overhead drums full of water.

Nothing in the original photo is Rated R, but I censored the butt cracks that might get this story reported (again). The piece of paper the photographer himself glued to censor the juicier bit, written with the word "SHORT!" right over the man's cock ... I mean, that's just mean! Then again, Mr. "Short" there is being quite the exhibitionist!

Short: "Weeeee, look at me! Take it all in, ladies!"

Photographer: "You couldn't fuck a fly, Shorty!"

BEHIND THE SCENES!

In my first draft, Eren's breakdown happened on the road—it was actually supposed to be on the first night—and it was a huge argument between the two of them ending with Levi offering to leave, and Eren confessing that he'd likely kill himself if Levi did.

(FYI, I hate when someone with depression purposely tries to manipulate a partner by threatening to commit suicide if they leave. I have so many friends who were in situations like that, including one who finally had enough, left the guy, and he gunned her down. However, in Eren's case, it's not threatening "If you leave me I'll kill myself" but more like warning Levi, "I direly need someone to watch over me because I don't trust myself being alone." That's a big difference, and it's not like he can walk into a mental institution to have them keep a suicide watch over him and speak to a therapist.)

Anyway, the scene ended up not working as I intended it, got moved around a lot, ended up here, and I realized an argument in the middle of an abbey would cause problems, so I changed it to an emotional breakdown. This works better, given Eren's mental condition. A few edits, changing "screamed" into "sneered" and less accusations on both sides, and we get the scene titled "Eren's Fear: Sad Version." (Yes, I created two editions!)

A little snippet of the original "Angry Version":

—

Levi yelled, "Is that why you're not kissing me?"

"I kissed you earlier."

"That was only once. You've been avoiding me."

Eren screamed, "What do you want me to do? Suck your dick right here, when someone could come by and see?"

"You're afraid," Levi challenged.

"Of course I am!" It took a moment for him to rein in his emotions. "I look at you, at your face, your eye, your hand, and I think, this is my fault—"

"Eren!"

"It's my fault," he shrieked angrily, "because I should have been scared. I should have been more cautious. If I had told you to go, you'd have two eyes, all ten fingers, you'd be in America by now, drinking Coca-Cola and watching Broadway shows. If I had just let you go, I probably would've died in Metz," he said, his face mournful at the mere thought of what fate awaited his platoon, "but at least you wouldn't have been around to be tortured."

"I told you, it was my choice..."

Eren cut him off, yelling, "And I should have made a choice too! I should have done everything possible to get you out of Metz. I should have let you run away long before that. I could have gotten all of your Jewish comrades out. I would have been executed, but it was a choice I could have made, one I should have made," he screamed, only for his throat to get choked up with tears.

—

A few adjectives changed, and this went from an argument to an emotional breakdown. I'm always intrigued to see how my story evolves. It's not what I originally imagined, but it works so much better.

FINAL NOTE!

So, I had a bit of an accident.

I broke my finger right above the joint. I'll be in a splint for a few weeks. We barely got my wedding ring off safely! This is slowing down my typing, right at a time when I am very busy with my band. Hopefully it heals quickly without any joint damage. I will start rehabilitation with a hand orthopedist in a few days.