John Laurens 

(The day before the shooting)

He was sleeping in his bed turned around facing the wall.  I took a few glances at him.  I made sure to dim the light real low to let him sleep.  It was just bright enough for me to write in my journal.

The truth.

Half of what I wanted to say I wasn't able to put into words.  I got down what I could. 

I wrote the next few lines in my journal before having to stop and think.  

What was holding me back from telling him?  Was it the looks he gave Eliza, was it the thought of him and Laf, and Herc all leaving me because they didn't want to sleep in the same apartment as someone who was gay?

I hear him shift in his bed turning around, he started to stir when his face was illuminated by the light.

We make eye contact and I quickly hid my journal.

"Whats that?" He asks.  His eyes are barely open and he was partially blinded by the light.

"Oh, uh, just school work that I need to finish." I lied, I had gotten good at that. 

"Okay, you really should go to bed, its late and we have to be up early for school tomorrow."  He said turning back over in bed.  He didn't sound like he beloved me, but I let that go.

"Yeah, your right, let me just get my thoughts down,"

"Okay,"

He will never, ever, like me.

But I have to tell him, I have to.  I am hoping somewhat that he finds this and reads what I have to say for himself.  But if not I will have to tell him myself. That won't end badly right?

I close the journal, slip it into the draw of my desk and get under the covers.

"Night, Alex,"

"Night,"

***

I get up out of bed the next morning and go to the bathroom.

Alex was in the kitchen already with Laf.  They were cooking.

I had some time I guess.  

I pull out my phone and see I have a missed call and twelve messages from my mom.

Call me when you get these!

Why won't you answer!

John!

JOHN!

You get the idea.  I roll my eyes, my mom probably was confused on how her new computer worked.

I missed the last message though.  I wish I had read it.  It had said: I don't think you should go to school, I have a bad feeling.  Please listen to me and stay home.

I finish up in the bathroom.  The rest of the morning flew by.

That is until it stopped.

The man had slammed into the room.  He was armed with a gun and didn't look like he wasn't going to use it.

People in the class screamed and ran for cover.  I did under the table.  Alex was right there, I could tell him now.

Now wasn't the right time.

I instead hug him.  We huddle together as I pray for this to end.  I pray for everyone to be same.  I hear the professor scream, but no shots were fired.  He must of went over to her.

I hear someone further back whisper as they called 9-1-1.  I heard many more people crying, and many people whispering as they prayed.

Everyone was.

I felt Alex shift.  Don't do it!  I thought.  He was going to want to help.

He starts to crawl out from underneath the table but I catch his hand.  He could be killed!  

"Alex!" I hissed, tugging trying to get him back under the table.

"I have to go help!"  His eyes were pleading at me to let him go.  They were determined.  They were soft. 

"Don't throw it all away!"  I was trying to usher him to get back under the table.  This was never going to work.  He was to stubborn, when he had an idea he was not going to stop.  He always went the extra mile, even if he had perfect marks in school he strives to get them higher.

He tugs his hand out of mine and stands up.

"Alex!" I chock out following him.

He looked at me with worry.  His eyes were doing all of the talking, he was panicking and didn't want me here.  He wanted me to be as safe as I possible could under the table.

There were sirens outside, and I felt myself perk up.  I face the door letting my guard down.

I wait for maybe two seconds waiting for the police to burst in through the door, but before they do Alex screams.

I turn towards him only to be hit with a pain.

I fall to the floor hitting my head on the wood stairs.

"No!" Alex screams falling to the ground beside me.  His voice cracked as his eyes filled with tears.  Who am I kidding, I wasn't going to make it.  The blood was pouring out of me like a water bottle without a cap that was knocked on the ground.

He touched my face softly.  I felt a tear of his hit my cheek.  I feel my own tears fall off my cheeks and hit the wood stairs.

It hurt so bad, I couldn't even explain it.  I couldn't hear anything.  The sound of the shot was still ringing in my ear.  I was dazed and the room seemed to spin around me, everything blurring together in a collage of colors.

I faintly hear Alex talk to Laf and Herc, then he lets go of me and leaves.

He effing left!

I forget about the pain, I forget about the blurriness around me, I forget about the ringing in my ears.  My body is fully enveloped with anger!

"H-he le-left..." My voice was strained as I talked.

I got Laf and Herc's attention.  Both of them were in tears.

"He is attacking him, mon ami..."

"Its effing Charles Lee, I could murder him right now!"

He was fighting the guy that shot me?  Did he care that much about me?  Why?  I wish I could hold on... I wish I could tell him how I really feel!

Maybe Laf could tell him for me...

I reach out and grab his arm.  He looks down at me and sobs.  It is uncontrollable for him at this point.

"T-tell him a-about the j-jour-nal," I get out.  I felt myself getting weaker.

"A-alex?" He says through another sob.

I just nod my head before closing my eyes.

I don't feel any pain anymore, you just get used to it I guess.

January First!

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it!

Quick note:  I may not be able to update tomorrow.  I will try to get a chapter out if possible though!

~Author