I saw the hurt in his eyes. Was he hurting like I was hurting?  No he couldn't be, he didn't know that real pain. He was the one who shot John in the first place.  If he knew what it felt like then he wouldn't of done that.

He should of known.

And, how could he say it was an accident?  How was he able to still live like that.  He murdered John!  He should of went instead of John.  John wasn't done with his life yet.  I should of gone instead of John.

My heart jumped.  I had that moment of realization.

It wasn't John's fault, it wasn't Charles' fault.  It was my fault.

I was the stupid idiot that ran out to go help.  John followed me, got shot, died.

I walked home with the cold biting my face.  I wanted to cry.  But I couldn't.  I probably looked horrible enough, I didn't need to add tears to make it even worse.

I stared down at the side walk, minimizing the amount of eyes that were watching me.

Why?  Why, God, didn't you take me instead.  I would be better off dead then John.  He didn't deserve to die.

I felt myself start to doubt God, and everything.  If he was right in the mind he would of taken me over John any day.  My entire family died, I should be dead with them too.  But he took him instead.

I clenched my hands into fists, digging my nails into my skin.  I hurt, yes, but I didn't mind it.  I ran the rest of the way home.  Laf was there when I got back, sitting on the couch holding a bottle of beer.  Herc was sitting next to him.

"There you are, Alex! We were looking for you, where were you?" 

I don't answer Laf's question.  God, then had absolutely no idea what I was going through, and they would never, ever know.

They didn't know John like I did.  I didn't even know John that well, but with the journal I knew him.  Probably better than he knew himself.

I was scared.  

This world, it was scary.  There was nothing else to explain it by, but it being scary.  We have idiots like Charles running around and shooting people so they don't spill about a hook up!

It was crazy, how screwed up this world has become, wow (or as Laf would say ça alors, sorry I had to).

Laf follows me to my room.  I try to close the door, I try to hold myself together but I can't anymore.  Life was just stupid.  I didn't make sense.

But, as everyone would say, 'get over it.'

Again, sorry about not updating in so long!  But thanks for reading!

~Author